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February 2023

Kiara Cole
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Prison Perks

Rise of the machines? Seems like it was only a matter of time before drones made humans obsolete—specifically the brave men and women who keister drugs and SIM cards into penitentiaries. As reported by The Verge, a USA Today study found that...

Fap to the Future

Porn lovers, our prayers have finally been answered—no longer must we lay our dignity on the line to masturbate in front of the computer screen. Relax and enjoy your wank without the constant fear of someone walking in on you, because minimeyes...

The Real Fake News: Pillory Hillary?

It’s been nearly a year since President Clinton was elected to office by a landslide in both the popular vote and Electoral College. Her victory came easy after the FBI found strong evidence of Russian collusion on...

ISIS Crisis

ISIS was plunged into disarray today after a leading Muslim cleric announced that martyrs dying for Allah will not be rewarded with 72 virgins, but with just one 72- year-old virgin. According to the Akhand of Swat, known widely as “the Sage of...

Death by Dick

Richard Patterson, 65, was recently acquitted of second-degree murder after trial arguments pointed to the fact that his partner’s death was an accident—poor woman might have choked on his prick. Where else could this craziness have happened but...

Spoiler Alert: Jackie O Loved Money

When will Americans end their obsession with Jackie O? Never. The iconoclastic First Lady has forever been fawned over for being beautiful, soft-spoken, graceful and elegant. Jackie O was so perfect, it’s hard to even...

The Real Fake News: Trump Seeks Asylum in Russia

As the likelihood of President Trump’s impeachment grows, a new shock leak from the White House reveals that he is desperately seeking political asylum in Moscow. “It’s what we call the Edward Snowden...

Audition for Prison

A man in Kansas, named Mario Antoine, has admitted to tricking dozens of women into having sex with him by pretending to be a porn mogul. Not only was he duping women by promising them stardom and payment, but when they complained that he wasn’t...

Flavor of Love

Mankind Pharma, makers of Manforce condoms, has cornered the prophylactic market in India with flavored condoms. According to the online magazine Quartz, flavored rubbers account for nearly half of India’s condom sales. In a country that seems...

Another Shitty Day

When Gracie Henderson, a beautiful blond paramedic from New Caney, Texas, noticed her toilet was clogged, she scrambled to find a plunger. No luck. So Henderson decided to take the hands-on approach. The Texan reached her arm down the dreaded piss...

A Very White White House

Rumors have been flying around the White House that press secretary Sean Spicer is close to being canned. Bill O’Reilly might be his replacement, arguably a downgrade, since at least Spicer is entertaining to watch. Amidst his daily...

Pass the Joint, Hoser

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is a political heartthrob who makes Americans long for the days when we actually liked our leader. And now he’s down with the 420 crowd too. With legislation his Liberal Party recently introduced to...

Better Boners

Optogenetics is a new field of synthetic biology. How it works is that certain neurons and body processes are controlled using blue light. Basically, bacterial DNA that is susceptible to light is encoded into a virus that affects certain neurons....

Julia Roberts Forever… and Ever?

Every girl you have ever fucked has memorized that iconic scene in the 1990 box office smash hit Pretty Woman. In case you have been living under a rock, we’ll refresh your memory: Julia Roberts plays a gorgeous,...

Sex Doll Brothel

Ever been with your girlfriend and thought, I wish she didn’t talk, didn’t smile, didn’t blink, didn’t move without assistance and didn’t ever go to the bathroom? Then you need a sex doll because no woman is going to put up with your...

XXX Marks the Spot

It makes sense that Scots were the first to create an internet message board for outdoor hookups—because, really, what’s easier than lifting a kilt for a quickie, right? Horny exhibitionists in the Renfrewshire district in Scotland now use a...

Love American Style

America is known for excess. We do a lot of everything—shopping, eating, drinking, driving and shooting. The one thing we’re not doing a lot of lately is fucking. We’re just not putting up the fornication numbers like back in the day....

Monks on Meth

It takes one simple Google search to know that Buddhists live by “moral precepts,” otherwise known as restraints. Taboos include harming living things, sexual misconduct, lying or gossip and indulging in intoxicating substances. Monks get into...

Think Pink

Recently Hugh Hefner’s youngest son, Cooper, took to Twitter to make an announcement: Nudes were back. “I’ll be the first to admit that the way in which the magazine portrayed nudity was dated, but removing it entirely was a mistake,” he...

Paid to Get Laid

There have been a lot of jokes recently about people moving to Canada, but if this sexy new law passes, Sweden will be the new home of the great American diaspora. In the northern town of Overtornea, a local councilman has suggested a paid one-hour...

Hostess With the Mostest

What a time to be a woman in Oklahoma! Not only is there nothing to eat but OxyContin and sticks of salted butter, but since 2011 the state has passed 20 strict regulations cementing a wall between women and safe access to abortion. If...

Not so Bright-Bart

Milo Yiannopoulos is a name synonymous with controversy. He’s a contrarian who likes to go against societal norms. A Far Right homosexual is about as contrarian as you can get, but Milo found a way to kick that up a notch. After a string of recent...

Strength In Numbers

If there’s anything the Trump Administration has taught us, it’s that size matters. Not just the size of your hands, but the size of your crowds on the National Mall. The Women’s March on January 21st attracted throngs of protesters all over...

Grabbing Your Attention

A perk of being a celebrity or President (or in our case a celebrity President) is that you get wax figures sculpted in your likeness. Tourists get to overpay to visit your statue and trick their social media followers into believing...