LYNCHBURG, VA—During a speech at Liberty University, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos ceased speaking in tongues long enough to identify three main obstacles to halting school shootings: the existence of students, teachers and schools.
“Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble lalala freemee, freemee, ulullalala!” an entranced DeVos advised the rapt evangelical crowd in an otherworldly growl. “It’s therefore become clear that in order to put an end to this senseless—gaffable, babble, lufluffle, faalalalalalaaa!—violence, we must eliminate all public schools nationwide.”
“Though it sounds a bit extreme, the de facto shuttering of the entire Department of Education represents a positive change in messaging from the secretary,” says education policy analyst Chadwick L. Dormitory. “DeVos’s previous response to these tragic shootings was to blame video games, point at a wall behind the press, shout, ‘Oh, my God! Look!’ then flee the room.”
“I learn the evils of public education from Teacher Father and Professor Mommy,” says previously-home-schooled Liberty sophomore Jed Sumpkins. “It truly a blessing to see common sense return to this emotionally charged debate. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble lalala! Praise be!”
Others close to DeVos are unsure her plan is a wise solution.