Bits & Pieces

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October 2021

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

One Sunday morning an old woman named Agnes got to her church service late because she couldn’t find her hearing aid. Not wanting to be noticed, Agnes sat in the back pew.

As the pastor continued his sermon, he said, “I want everyone who has committed the sin of adultery to stand up.”

“What did the pastor just say?” Agnes asked the teenager sitting beside her.

“He said if anyone wants a mint, stand up,” the lad replied.

Without a care in the world, Agnes stood up—no one else had—and approached the altar. Outraged, the pastor demanded to know why she was standing.

“I may be old and toothless,” Agnes admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”

A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken intervened.

“Don’t do it, man!” the chicken exclaimed. “You’ll never hear the end of it!”

Ronald died and went straight to hell. Satan greeted the lech and declared, “You have to pick your torment. Pick wisely because this will be your torment for all of eternity.”

After going through dozens of rooms, Ronald couldn’t decide until he came upon one that looked promising. A man was sitting on a couch, watching a football game on TV and getting a blowjob from a gorgeous cheerleader.

“That’s what I want to do for eternity,” Ronald told Satan.

“Are you sure?” the devil prodded. “This will be your torment for all of eternity.”

“Hell, yeah, Satan!” Ronald screamed hysterically.

With a sinister grin, Satan stepped over to the cheerleader and said, “You can stop sucking that guy’s cock now. I found someone to replace you.”

Fiona hadn’t been home for more than three years. When the Irish lass finally returned, her father yelled, “Where have you been all this time?! Why didn’t you call us or send a postcard? Your mother has been worried sick.”

Starting to weep, Fiona explained, “I was too embarrassed to tell you, Daddy. I became a prostitute.”

“Out of here, you shameless hussy!” her father roared. “You’re a disgrace to this strong Catholic family!”

“Aye, Daddy,” Fiona murmured, “as you wish. I just came back to give Mum a fur coat and you and Mum the deed to an eight-bedroom mansion, a membership at the Limerick Country Club and a check for 5 million Euros. I also have a Rolex watch for me little brother Seamus, and parked outside is a sparkling new Mercedes convertible for you.”

Fiona caught her breath and added, “And I’d like you all to spend the holidays with me in the Caribbean on my yacht.”

Fiona’s father was flabbergasted. “Now, dear, what was it you said you became?” he asked.

“A prostitute, Daddy. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, good heavens!” the Irishman bellowed. “You scared me half to death, Fiona. I thought you said Protestant. Come here and give your old daddy a hug.”

While making his rounds, a policeman checked out a used-car lot and spotted two elderly women sitting in one of the vehicles. Since the business was closed for the day, he walked over and muttered, “This looks suspicious. Are you ladies planning to steal this car?”

“Heavens no!” Esther shrieked. “We bought it!”

“Why didn’t you drive it away?” the cop asked.

“We can’t drive, Officer,” Esther’s friend Mabel confessed.

“So why did you buy this clunker?” the flatfoot grunted.

Esther explained, “We were told that if we bought a used car here, we’d get screwed. We’re just waiting.”

Late one night Pete and Vance were having beers at a bar when a touchy subject came up. “I don’t know what else to do,” Pete grumbled. “Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the drive-way, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take off my shoes, tiptoe up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. But as I ease into bed, my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”

Vance looked at his flustered buddy and said, “You’re taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet and jump into bed. Then I slap my wife on the ass and say, ‘Hi, honey. Are you as horny as I am?’ And she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Dave was recovering from a knee operation when his pal Tony dropped by. “How are you doing, dude?” he asked.

“I’m hanging in there,” Dave replied, “but do me a favor. Run up the stairs and get my slippers. My feet are freezing.”

Tony went up and saw Dave’s 19-year-old twin daughters lying on their beds. “Hi, girls,” he said. “Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you.”

“Prove it!” one of the twins exclaimed. Standing in the doorway, Tony shouted, “Hey, Dave! Both of them?!”

“Of course both of them,” Dave fired back. “What good is fucking one?!”

Question: How do you get Jehovah’s WItnesses to quickly scram when they come to your door?

Answer: Ask them if they came by for the orgy.

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife instead of calling her. He accidentally typed the wrong address, and the message was sent to a widow who had just returned home after her husband’s funeral.

Expecting condolences from her relatives and friends, the widow checked her emails. After reading the first queued message, she fainted.

A short while later one of her sons found the woman passed out. Then he noticed the computer monitor, which dis-played this message: “To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me. I’ve just checked in. How are you and the boys? This place is really nice, but I’m very lonely. I have made the necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. I’ll be expecting you, darling. I can’t wait to see you.”

Alan felt sorry for the psychiatrist he saw performing at a county fair. The shrink hypnotized seven men, then dropped his mic and yelled, “Fuck me!” What ensued will haunt Alan and hundreds of fairgoers for the rest of their lives.

While dining at a ritzy restaurant, Rex noticed a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a nearby table. The dapper businessman summoned a waiter and asked him to send her an expensive bottle of merlot.

As the waiter delivered the wine, he pointed to Rex and said, “This is a gift from one of our regular patrons.”

The beauty looked over, then decided to write a note for the waiter to bring back to Rex: “For me to accept this bottle of wine, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and a seven-inch cock in your pants.”

After reading the note, Rex had the waiter deliver this message: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarossa, BMW 850iL and Mercedes 560SEL in my garage and 20 million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as gorgeous as you would I cut off three inches.”

Fred and Mary got married, but they couldn’t afford a honeymoon. So they spent their wedding night at Fred’s parents’ home. In the morning the groom’s kid brother Johnny was ready to head to school. Before leaving, he asked his mother if Fred and Mary were up yet.

“No,” she replied.

“Wanna know what I think?” Johnny asked.

“I don’t want to know what you think,” his mom replied. “Just go to school.”

When Johnny came home for lunch, he asked her, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

“No,” she told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“No, I don’t!” his mom snapped. “Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

As soon as Johnny came home after school, he again asked about Fred and Mary.

“They’re not up yet,” his mom told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“Okay, Johnny, tell me what you think.”

“Last night Fred came to my room and asked for some Vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane glue!”

Chet was lying on the examination table when the female doctor asked, “How’s your libido?”

“My what?!” Chet exclaimed.

“Libido,” the doc repeated. “Do you feel like having sex?”

“Okay,” Chet replied, “but we’ll have to be quick. My wife is waiting in the car.”

A man went to the police station and asked to speak with the burglar who’d broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” the desk sergeant gruffly informed him.

“No, no, no!” the man hollered. “I need to know how the guy got into my house without waking up my wife! I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Morris told his girlfriend, “I want a quickie.”

“As opposed to what?!” she snapped.

One evening, thinking he was being funny, Joey said to his wife Maria, “We should start washing your clothes in SlimFast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt.”

Maria wasn’t amused, and she wouldn’t let such a nasty comment go unnoticed.

The next morning Joey grabbed a pair of boxers out of his dresser drawer. What the heck is this? he thought as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook the boxers loose before putting them on.

“Maria,” he hollered, “why did you put baby powder in my underwear?!”

Giggling, his wife replied, “It’s not baby powder…it’s Miracle Grow.”

A reporter for a local TV station was interviewing 82-year-old Ethel who’d just married for the fourth time. After delving into her backstory and what it felt like being a bride again at her age, the reporter asked, “What is your new husband’s occupation?”

“He’s a funeral director,” Ethel replied.

Finding that strangely interesting, the reporter went on, “What did your other husbands do for a living?”

Ethel took a few moments to reflect on her previous mates. “I married a banker when I was 19,” she recalled, “a circus ringmaster when I was 42 and a preacher when I was 66.”

Astonished, the reporter then asked, “Why did you marry men with such diverse careers?”

Ethel smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”

It was the couple’s first role-play night, and Jerry’s wife wore a police uniform to bed. “You’re charged with being a great lover,” she told her hubby. Ninety seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on “Take Your Child to Work Day.” Soon after they arrived, she started crying and getting very cranky. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” the father asked.

As the office staff gathered around, the youngster gurgled, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

A married couple in their early 60s were each granted a wish by a beautiful fairy who’d materialized in their living room one evening. “I wish to travel around the world with my darling husband,” the wife declared. The fairy waved her wand, and two tickets for a luxury cruise appeared in her hand.

The husband said, “Sorry, dear, but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand, and the husband immediately turned 90 years old.

Question: What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Answer: Someone is gonna lose a trailer.

During a warehouse fire, two firefighters were butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room. The chief walked in and shouted, “What the hell are you guys doing?!”

One of them replied, “Jim’s got bad smoke inhalation.”

“Well then, give him mouth-to-mouth,” the chief advised.

“I did,” the firefighter responded. “How do you think this got started?”

Bess was standing at the railing of a ferry and holding on to her hat with both hands. A gentleman approached the old woman and said, “Par -don me, madam. I don’t intend to be for -ward, but did you know that your dress is billowing up with all this wind?”

“I know,” the biddy responded. “I need to use both hands to hold on to my hat so it won’t blow away.”

“But, madam, you aren’t wearing any-thing under your dress,” the gent informed her, “and your privates are exposed.”

Bess looked down, then back up at him and muttered, “Anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday.”

A dairy farmer in western Canada married a city girl. One day he told his new wife, “I’ve got to fix some fencing, Carol, so you’ll have to help me out. The insemination man is coming by to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the wall above her stall so you’ll know where to take him.”

A short time later the insemination man arrived, and Carol led him to the barn. As they walked through the row of cows, she spotted the nail and said, “This is the one right here.”

The guy, who thought that Carol was just another ditzy blonde, was impressed. “Hey, lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred? They all look the same to me.”

“That’s simple,” Carol replied. “By the nail over her stall.”

“Okay, but what’s the nail for?” the in-semination man asked.

Starting to walk away, Carol looked over her shoulder and said, “I assume it’s to hang your trousers on.”

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don’t slow down and pay attention, you could slide into the asshole in front of you.

A big-city doctor was the guest of an isolated Native American tribe comprised solely of men. As they all shared a fine meal, the doctor finally got up the courage to inquire, “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”

The tribe’s leader replied, “Just come down to the river tomorrow morning and we’ll show you.”

The next day the doctor showed up and saw the entire tribe gathered around a donkey. “Since you’re our guest,” the leader declared, “you get to go first.”

Not wanting to go against what he thought were tribal customs, the doctor kissed the donkey. Then he stepped behind the animal and began fucking it.

A few minutes later the leader shouted, “Hey, Doc, are you almost done?! We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women!”

Jenn was on her way to a gala event at a hotel when she noticed a Marine drill sergeant standing in the lobby. Having a thing for men in uniform, the flirtatious gal walked up to him and said, “Excuse me, Sergeant. You look so serious. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Marine gruffly replied. “I’m serious by nature.”

“I think you should lighten up,” Jenna advised. “Relax and enjoy yourself.”

Gazing at the stone-faced Marine, Jenna cooed, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but when’s the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“No wonder you’re so serious!” Jenna exclaimed. “No sex since 1955?! Well, I think you need to relax and enjoy yourself right now!”

Jenna took the jarhead’s hand and led him to a back room, where she proceeded to “relax” him—several times in fact. After catching her breath, she leaned against the drill sergeant’s bare chest and gasped, “Wow! You sure haven’t forgotten much since 1955!”

Glancing at his watch, the Marine muttered, “I hope not. It’s only 2130 now.”

A married couple were lying in bed together. “Last night I dreamed that I was at Walmart,” the wife remarked.

Her husband then said, “In my dream I was having sex with three women.”

“Was I one of them?” the wife asked.

“No,” her hubby grunted. “you were at Walmart.”

Question: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

Answer: A whore fucks everyone at a party. A bitch fucks everyone…except you.

HUSTLER Wisdom: Only in the Bible could a man stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.