Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Dirty jokes for your dirty mind
A lesbian went to a gynecologist for a downstairs checkup. He looked inside and exclaimed, “Ma’am, your vagina is one of the cleanest I’ve ever seen during all my years as a gynecologist.”
“And it should be!” the lesbian asserted. “I have a woman come in three times a week.”
Fiona and Mark were a married couple who lived on the 40th floor of a condo. One afternoon Fiona was having sex with her lover, a hunk named Jason, when she heard her hubby arriving home early. Fiona told Ja son to stand still and not move a muscle.
“What’s this?” Mark asked after noticing the naked dude in their bedroom.
“It’s the robot I bought to have sex with when you aren’t here,” Fiona fibbed.
“Well, since you’re already naked,” Mark bellowed, “let’s have sex right now!”
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Fiona murmured. “My period just started. Let me get you a glass of wine.”
After his wife left, Mark thought, I’m so horny, I’m gonna fuck that robot. As he stepped behind him, Jason announced in a robotic monotone, “System error. Wrong hole. Please step away.”
“Damn robot!” Mark shouted. “You’re a worthless piece of shit! I’m gonna throw you out the window!”
Remembering he was on the 40th floor, Jason stuck with the robotic act: “Software updated. Please try again.”
Question: Why do redneck couples prefer doggy-style?
Answer: They both can watch wrestling while having sex.
When asked by his father if he knew about the birds and the bees, the young boy exploded: “Look, Pop, I found out there was no Santa Claus at six, no Easter Bunny at seven and no Tooth Fairy at eight. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t fuck, I’ve had it!”
Cole and Mimi were invited to a masquerade party. But at the last minute Mimi had a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone. Off he went, and she took some aspirin and dozed for an hour.
Awakening free of pain, Mimi decided to go to the party. Cole didn’t know what she’d be wearing, giving her an opportunity to see what he did when she wasn’t with him. Mimi spotted hubby cavorting around the dance floor with several attractive women, copping a little feel here and there.
Mimi sidled up to him and, being a seductive babe, let her dance partner go as far as he wanted with his hands. Then he whispered a proposition in her ear, and they dashed off to an empty room and had a quickie.
Just before midnight, when the revelers had to unmask, Mimi slipped away, drove home and put her costume away. She was reading when Cole ambled into the bedroom. “How was the party?” Mimi asked.
“Same old, same old,” Cole muttered. “I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
“Did you dance with anyone?”
“I didn’t dance at all,” her husband replied. “After I arrived, I ran into Pete and Bill, and we ended up playing poker all night. But you’re not gonna believe what happened to the guy I lent my mask and costume to.”
As the groom got into bed next to his young bride, he whispered, “Will I be the first to do this to you?”
She giggled, then said, “What a silly question. I don’t even know what position we’re going to fuck in yet.”
During a round of golf a Swedish woman bent over to place her ball on a tee. Suddenly a gust of wind lifted her skirt, revealing her lack of underwear.
“Good God, Inga!” her husband hollered. “Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?!”
“You don’t give me enough money to afford any,” Inga replied.
Her mate reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, take this money and buy yourself some undies.”
Next up was Colleen, an Irish lass. When she bent over to put her ball on a tee, the wind made her skirt fly up too. “Blessed Virgin Mary!” her husband roared. “Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?”
“I can’t afford any with the money you give me,” Colleen snarled.
Her husband reached into his pocket, forked over 20 euros and said, “For the sake of decency, go buy yourself some knickers.”
Finally a Scotsman’s wife bent over to get her ball on a tee, and-you guessed it-a gust of wind blew the lady’s skirt clear over her head, exposing her overgrown bush. “Sweet mother of Jaysus, Aggie!” her hubby howled. “Where ta hell are your drawers?!”
“You never give me enough money to afford them,” Aggie responded.
Hearing that, the Scotsman reached into his pocket and growled, “Well, for the sake of decency, here’s a bloody comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”
Question: When is it okay to kick a midget in the nuts?
Answer: When he’s standing in front of your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
Frank and Trisha had two gorgeous daughters, but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time. Lo and behold, Trisha got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father couldn’t wait to see his new son in the nursery. But when the nurse held him up, Frank was horrified. The baby was the ugliest child he’d ever seen.
Frank said to his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. He doesn’t look anything like our two beautiful daughters. Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
Trisha smiled sweetly and cooed, “No, not this time.”
A text message to a neighbor: “Hi, Max. This is Richard. I live in the gray house next door. I thought you should know that I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. I haven’t been getting it at home for months. I know that’s no excuse, but the temptation was too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.”
Feeling betrayed, Max grabbed a gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered an unread text message:
“Hi, Max. Richard again. Sorry about the typo in my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the damn autocorrect had changed ‘wi-fi’ to ‘wife.’ Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.”
A woman in her 70s said to her even older husband, “My nipples are as hot today as they were on our wedding night.”
“They ougtha be,” her hubby muttered. “One is in your coffee, and the other’s in your oatmeal.”
Kate and Victor were lying in bed after having sex. Kate looked at her husband and thought, What a twit! He’s clueless that I’ve been fucking his best friend.
As Victor gazed at his wife, he asked himself, Why does Kate’s pussy taste like Steve’s dick?
After a movie date, Joey took his girlfriend Sylvia home around… midnight and was feeling horny. Brimming with confidence, he leaned his arm against the door frame and asked, “Will you give me a blowjob?”
Sylvia was horrified. “Are you crazy?!” she yelped. “My parents will see us!”
“Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” Joey responded. “Everyone’s sleeping.”
“It’s too risky,” Sylvia insisted.
“I love you, darling,” Joey said. “Please suck my dick. It’s ready to burst.”
“I love you too,” his girlfriend echoed, “but I can’t do it. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Suddenly the porch light came on, and Sylvia’s sister opened the door. Wearing pajamas and her hair a mess, she told Syl -via in a sleepy voice, “Dad said to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it himself. But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the fucking intercom.”
Jed got married before ever being intimate with his virgin fiancée or any woman. On the hillbilly’s wedding night he called his father for some advice. “Loretta and I are in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?”
Thinking that nature would take its course, Jed’s dad barked, “Take off all her clothes and get in bed!”
Five minutes later Jed called back and reported, “Loretta’s nekkid, and we’re in bed. What do we do now?”
Knowing that his son wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, Jed’s father asked, “Did you take off all your clothes too?”
“Well, take off your clothes and get back in bed with Loretta.”
A few minutes later Jed called back and said, “We’re both nekkid and in bed. What do we do now, Pa?”
The father’s patience was quickly running out. He growled, “Stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees.”
Several minutes passed before Jed called again. “Okay, Pa, I’ve got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?”
The first-grade teacher, Ms. Brown, asked her class to share something exciting that had happened at home over the weekend. Little Johnny immediately raised his hand, making the teacher nervous. The tyke could be a tad crude at times. But he was the only kid with his hand up, so Ms. Brown felt she had no choice.
She invited Johnny to share his exciting news. He walked up to the chalk-board and drew a small dot.
Ms. Brown asked, “What’s that?” “A period,” Johnny replied.
“Yes, I can see that,” the teacher murmured, “but what’s so exciting about a period?”
“Damned if I know,” Johnny muttered. “But on Sunday after church my sister said she missed one, which caused my dad to have a heart attack, my mom to faint and the minister to go into his office and shoot himself.”
A Catholic man confessed to his priest, “I missed a short putt while golfing yesterday and said a four-letter word.”
“How short?” the priest inquired.
“An inch and a half.”
“Holy shit!” the priest cried out. “How the fuck could you miss that putt?!”
The boss had to lay somebody off, and he narrowed the list down to Mary or Jack. It was a hard decision because both were excellent employees. Rather than flip a coin, the boss decided he would fire the first one who used the water fountain the next day,
Mary came to work the next morning with a horrendous hangover. She immediately went to the water fountain to take some aspirin. The boss approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Could you jack off?” Mary murmured. “I feel like shit this morning.”
Tina ran out to the yard, where her father was about to start cutting the grass. “Daddy, what’s sex?” the little girl asked.
Her startled father sat Tina down and told her about the birds and the bees. Then he thought, What the hell? He mentioned intercourse, conception, sperm and eggs. Covering a wide range of topics, he went on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet dreams. By the time her father was finished, little Tina was awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Finally her dad asked, “Why did you want to know about sex today?”
Tina replied, “Oh, I almost forgot. Mommy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in a couple of secs.”
Question: What do you call a gay guy from the Deep South?
Answer: A homo-sex-y’all.
Kristin’s husband Daniel always insisted on making love in the dark. After obliging him for 20 years, Kristin finally turned on a bedroom light one night and found Daniel holding a huge dildo. “You impotent, limp-dicked bastard!” she screamed. “How could you deceive me all these years?!”
Daniel looked his wife straight in the eye and calmly said, “I’ll explain the dildo; you explain the kids.”
Sam announced to his wife, “Amy, I’ve got a problem.”
“No, dear, we have a problem,” Amy responded. “We are married, we are a unit, and your problem is my problem. We are in this together.”
Overwhelmed, not to mention very relieved, Sam muttered, “It’s hardly worth mentioning now.”
But Amy was insistent. “What’s the problem?” she demanded.
Sam then admitted, “We got your sister pregnant.”
A freight train hit a bus carrying Catholic schoolgirls, and they all perished.
After ascending to heaven, the girls lined up and were greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Pointing to one girl, he asked, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
Jessica giggled, then shyly answered, “I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
Saint Peter said, “Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates.”
He next asked another arrival, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The girl was a tad reluctant but finally confessed, “One time I fondled and stroked a penis.”
Saint Peter remarked, “Okay, dip your entire hand in the holy water and pass through the gates.”
All of a sudden there was some com-motion in the line, and a girl pushed her way to the front. “Lisa!” Saint Peter bel-lowed. “Why are you in such a hurry?”
“If I’m gonna have to gargle that holy water,” Lisa explained, “I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”
One Sunday morning an old woman named Agnes got to her church service late because she couldn’t find her hearing aid. Not wanting to be noticed, Agnes sat in the back pew.
As the pastor continued his sermon, he said, “I want everyone who has committed the sin of adultery to stand up.”
“What did the pastor just say?” Agnes asked the teenager sitting beside her.
“He said if anyone wants a mint, stand up,” the lad replied.
Without a care in the world, Agnes stood up—no one else had—and approached the altar. Outraged, the pastor demanded to know why she was standing.
“I may be old and toothless,” Agnes admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”
A duck was about to cross the road when a chicken intervened.
“Don’t do it, man!” the chicken exclaimed. “You’ll never hear the end of it!”
Ronald died and went straight to hell. Satan greeted the lech and declared, “You have to pick your torment. Pick wisely because this will be your torment for all of eternity.”
After going through dozens of rooms, Ronald couldn’t decide until he came upon one that looked promising. A man was sitting on a couch, watching a football game on TV and getting a blowjob from a gorgeous cheerleader.
“That’s what I want to do for eternity,” Ronald told Satan.
“Are you sure?” the devil prodded. “This will be your torment for all of eternity.”
“Hell, yeah, Satan!” Ronald screamed hysterically.
With a sinister grin, Satan stepped over to the cheerleader and said, “You can stop sucking that guy’s cock now. I found someone to replace you.”
Fiona hadn’t been home for more than three years. When the Irish lass finally returned, her father yelled, “Where have you been all this time?! Why didn’t you call us or send a postcard? Your mother has been worried sick.”
Starting to weep, Fiona explained, “I was too embarrassed to tell you, Daddy. I became a prostitute.”
“Out of here, you shameless hussy!” her father roared. “You’re a disgrace to this strong Catholic family!”
“Aye, Daddy,” Fiona murmured, “as you wish. I just came back to give Mum a fur coat and you and Mum the deed to an eight-bedroom mansion, a membership at the Limerick Country Club and a check for 5 million Euros. I also have a Rolex watch for me little brother Seamus, and parked outside is a sparkling new Mercedes convertible for you.”
Fiona caught her breath and added, “And I’d like you all to spend the holidays with me in the Caribbean on my yacht.”
Fiona’s father was flabbergasted. “Now, dear, what was it you said you became?” he asked.
“A prostitute, Daddy. I’m so sorry.”
“Oh, good heavens!” the Irishman bellowed. “You scared me half to death, Fiona. I thought you said Protestant. Come here and give your old daddy a hug.”
While making his rounds, a policeman checked out a used-car lot and spotted two elderly women sitting in one of the vehicles. Since the business was closed for the day, he walked over and muttered, “This looks suspicious. Are you ladies planning to steal this car?”
“Heavens no!” Esther shrieked. “We bought it!”
“Why didn’t you drive it away?” the cop asked.
“We can’t drive, Officer,” Esther’s friend Mabel confessed.
“So why did you buy this clunker?” the flatfoot grunted.
Esther explained, “We were told that if we bought a used car here, we’d get screwed. We’re just waiting.”
Late one night Pete and Vance were having beers at a bar when a touchy subject came up. “I don’t know what else to do,” Pete grumbled. “Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the drive-way, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take off my shoes, tiptoe up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. But as I ease into bed, my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”
Vance looked at his flustered buddy and said, “You’re taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet and jump into bed. Then I slap my wife on the ass and say, ‘Hi, honey. Are you as horny as I am?’ And she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Dave was recovering from a knee operation when his pal Tony dropped by. “How are you doing, dude?” he asked.
“I’m hanging in there,” Dave replied, “but do me a favor. Run up the stairs and get my slippers. My feet are freezing.”
Tony went up and saw Dave’s 19-year-old twin daughters lying on their beds. “Hi, girls,” he said. “Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you.”
“Prove it!” one of the twins exclaimed. Standing in the doorway, Tony shouted, “Hey, Dave! Both of them?!”
“Of course both of them,” Dave fired back. “What good is fucking one?!”
Question: How do you get Jehovah’s WItnesses to quickly scram when they come to your door?
Answer: Ask them if they came by for the orgy.
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