Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Dirty jokes for your dirty mind
Alan felt sorry for the psychiatrist he saw performing at a county fair. The shrink hypnotized seven men, then dropped his mic and yelled, “Fuck me!” What ensued will haunt Alan and hundreds of fairgoers for the rest of their lives.
While dining at a ritzy restaurant, Rex noticed a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a nearby table. The dapper businessman summoned a waiter and asked him to send her an expensive bottle of merlot.
As the waiter delivered the wine, he pointed to Rex and said, “This is a gift from one of our regular patrons.”
The beauty looked over, then decided to write a note for the waiter to bring back to Rex: “For me to accept this bottle of wine, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and a seven-inch cock in your pants.”
After reading the note, Rex had the waiter deliver this message: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarossa, BMW 850iL and Mercedes 560SEL in my garage and 20 million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as gorgeous as you would I cut off three inches.”
Fred and Mary got married, but they couldn’t afford a honeymoon. So they spent their wedding night at Fred’s parents’ home. In the morning the groom’s kid brother Johnny was ready to head to school. Before leaving, he asked his mother if Fred and Mary were up yet.
“No,” she replied.
“Wanna know what I think?” Johnny asked.
“I don’t want to know what you think,” his mom replied. “Just go to school.”
When Johnny came home for lunch, he asked her, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”
“No,” she told him.
“Wanna know what I think?”
“No, I don’t!” his mom snapped. “Eat your lunch and go back to school.”
As soon as Johnny came home after school, he again asked about Fred and Mary.
“They’re not up yet,” his mom told him.
“Wanna know what I think?”
“Okay, Johnny, tell me what you think.”
“Last night Fred came to my room and asked for some Vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane glue!”
Chet was lying on the examination table when the female doctor asked, “How’s your libido?”
“My what?!” Chet exclaimed.
“Libido,” the doc repeated. “Do you feel like having sex?”
“Okay,” Chet replied, “but we’ll have to be quick. My wife is waiting in the car.”
A man went to the police station and asked to speak with the burglar who’d broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” the desk sergeant gruffly informed him.
“No, no, no!” the man hollered. “I need to know how the guy got into my house without waking up my wife! I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Morris told his girlfriend, “I want a quickie.”
“As opposed to what?!” she snapped.
One evening, thinking he was being funny, Joey said to his wife Maria, “We should start washing your clothes in SlimFast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt.”
Maria wasn’t amused, and she wouldn’t let such a nasty comment go unnoticed.
The next morning Joey grabbed a pair of boxers out of his dresser drawer. What the heck is this? he thought as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook the boxers loose before putting them on.
“Maria,” he hollered, “why did you put baby powder in my underwear?!”
Giggling, his wife replied, “It’s not baby powder…it’s Miracle Grow.”
A reporter for a local TV station was interviewing 82-year-old Ethel who’d just married for the fourth time. After delving into her backstory and what it felt like being a bride again at her age, the reporter asked, “What is your new husband’s occupation?”
“He’s a funeral director,” Ethel replied.
Finding that strangely interesting, the reporter went on, “What did your other husbands do for a living?”
Ethel took a few moments to reflect on her previous mates. “I married a banker when I was 19,” she recalled, “a circus ringmaster when I was 42 and a preacher when I was 66.”
Astonished, the reporter then asked, “Why did you marry men with such diverse careers?”
Ethel smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”
It was the couple’s first role-play night, and Jerry’s wife wore a police uniform to bed. “You’re charged with being a great lover,” she told her hubby. Ninety seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father on “Take Your Child to Work Day.” Soon after they arrived, she started crying and getting very cranky. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” the father asked.
As the office staff gathered around, the youngster gurgled, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
A married couple in their early 60s were each granted a wish by a beautiful fairy who’d materialized in their living room one evening. “I wish to travel around the world with my darling husband,” the wife declared. The fairy waved her wand, and two tickets for a luxury cruise appeared in her hand.
The husband said, “Sorry, dear, but my wish is to have a wife who’s 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved her wand, and the husband immediately turned 90 years old.
Question: What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?
Answer: Someone is gonna lose a trailer.
During a warehouse fire, two firefighters were butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room. The chief walked in and shouted, “What the hell are you guys doing?!”
One of them replied, “Jim’s got bad smoke inhalation.”
“Well then, give him mouth-to-mouth,” the chief advised.
“I did,” the firefighter responded. “How do you think this got started?”
Bess was standing at the railing of a ferry and holding on to her hat with both hands. A gentleman approached the old woman and said, “Par -don me, madam. I don’t intend to be for -ward, but did you know that your dress is billowing up with all this wind?”
“I know,” the biddy responded. “I need to use both hands to hold on to my hat so it won’t blow away.”
“But, madam, you aren’t wearing any-thing under your dress,” the gent informed her, “and your privates are exposed.”
Bess looked down, then back up at him and muttered, “Anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday.”
A dairy farmer in western Canada married a city girl. One day he told his new wife, “I’ve got to fix some fencing, Carol, so you’ll have to help me out. The insemination man is coming by to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the wall above her stall so you’ll know where to take him.”
A short time later the insemination man arrived, and Carol led him to the barn. As they walked through the row of cows, she spotted the nail and said, “This is the one right here.”
The guy, who thought that Carol was just another ditzy blonde, was impressed. “Hey, lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred? They all look the same to me.”
“That’s simple,” Carol replied. “By the nail over her stall.”
“Okay, but what’s the nail for?” the in-semination man asked.
Starting to walk away, Carol looked over her shoulder and said, “I assume it’s to hang your trousers on.”
Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don’t slow down and pay attention, you could slide into the asshole in front of you.
A big-city doctor was the guest of an isolated Native American tribe comprised solely of men. As they all shared a fine meal, the doctor finally got up the courage to inquire, “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
The tribe’s leader replied, “Just come down to the river tomorrow morning and we’ll show you.”
The next day the doctor showed up and saw the entire tribe gathered around a donkey. “Since you’re our guest,” the leader declared, “you get to go first.”
Not wanting to go against what he thought were tribal customs, the doctor kissed the donkey. Then he stepped behind the animal and began fucking it.
A few minutes later the leader shouted, “Hey, Doc, are you almost done?! We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women!”
Jenn was on her way to a gala event at a hotel when she noticed a Marine drill sergeant standing in the lobby. Having a thing for men in uniform, the flirtatious gal walked up to him and said, “Excuse me, Sergeant. You look so serious. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Marine gruffly replied. “I’m serious by nature.”
“I think you should lighten up,” Jenna advised. “Relax and enjoy yourself.”
Gazing at the stone-faced Marine, Jenna cooed, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but when’s the last time you had sex?”
“No wonder you’re so serious!” Jenna exclaimed. “No sex since 1955?! Well, I think you need to relax and enjoy yourself right now!”
Jenna took the jarhead’s hand and led him to a back room, where she proceeded to “relax” him—several times in fact. After catching her breath, she leaned against the drill sergeant’s bare chest and gasped, “Wow! You sure haven’t forgotten much since 1955!”
Glancing at his watch, the Marine muttered, “I hope not. It’s only 2130 now.”
A married couple were lying in bed together. “Last night I dreamed that I was at Walmart,” the wife remarked.
Her husband then said, “In my dream I was having sex with three women.”
“Was I one of them?” the wife asked.
“No,” her hubby grunted. “you were at Walmart.”
Question: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
Answer: A whore fucks everyone at a party. A bitch fucks everyone…except you.
HUSTLER Wisdom: Only in the Bible could a man stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.
On the couple’s wedding night the groom announced, “Honey, I have to confess, I’ve slept with many prostitutes before I met you.”
The bride fired back, “I knew I’d seen you somewhere before!”
Question: What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
Answer: A sunken chest and no booty.
A man stood in front of a food truck and checked out the menu: “Cheeseburger—$5. Fries—$3. Handjob—$10.” He walked up to the window, where a stacked brunette was taking orders. “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?” he asked, handing her a $10 bill.
“Yes, I am,” the brunette owned up.
“Then wash your hands, honey!” the man exclaimed. “I want two cheeseburgers!”
Tired of dumb-blonde jokes, a blonde named Sally decided to dye her hair red. One day she drove out to the countryside and spotted a sheep farm. Fancying some mutton for dinner, she hopped out of her car and knocked on the door.
The farmer opened it and asked, “How can I help you, ma’am?”
Sally said, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home with me?”
“Okay,” the farmer agreed.
When Sally uttered “Two hundred and eighty-six,” the farmer exclaimed, “Wow, that’s amazing! Go pick one out.”
Sally grabbed an animal and loaded it into her car. Just as she started the engine, the farmer came over and peered into the driver-side window. “Is there a problem?” Sally asked.
The bemused farmer looked at her and muttered, “Well, ma’am, if I can guess what color your hair was before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?”
Eddie was going to marry his gorgeous Italian-American girlfriend Sofia, but he wondered if her kid sister had the hots for him. Lucia was 19, just as voluptuous as Sofia and always wore miniskirts and low-cut tops without a bra. Whenever Eddie was around, she’d suddenly bend over and give him a nice view.
One day Lucia called and asked Eddie to drop by to look at the wedding invitations. His prospective sister-in-law was alone when he arrived and quickly admitted that she had desires for him that couldn’t be overcome. “I’m going up to my bedroom,” Lucia purred, “and if you want one last wild fling before marrying Sofia, come up and get me.”
Eddie was stunned as he watched the babe sashay up the stairs. Knowing that his car was parked nearby, he made a beeline to the front door and opened it.
Lo and behold, Sofia and a cluster of people were standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, the bride-to-be’s father put down his shotgun and hugged Eddie. “We are happy that you passed our little test,” he said. “We couldn’t ask for a better man to marry my daughter. Welcome to our family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep the condoms in your car.
How’s this for a birds-and-bees discourse? A ten-year-old girl asked, “Mommy, how was I born?”
Her mother replied, “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the ground, and I took care of it every day. After a while the seed began to sprout more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant.”
“But what does that have to do with me, Mommy?” the girl squealed.
“I’m getting there,” her mother continued. “We took the plant inside, dried the leaves, smoked them and got so high that Daddy forgot to wear a condom.”
Two hicks were looking through a mail-order catalog. “Look at these beautiful women!” Jed marveled. “The prices are reasonable too!”
Nick agreed and hollered, “I’m ordering one of these right now!”
Three weeks later Jed asked, “Has your woman been shipped to you yet?”
“No,” Nick replied, “but it shouldn’t be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday.”
Here’s all you need to know to make you a believer in Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. Pfizer is the same pharmaceutical company that created Viagra. Logic then dictates that we can rely on the vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, it should certainly be able to protect the living.
A college freshman walked up to his father and announced, “I just lost my virginity.”
“That’s my boy!” the father exclaimed. “Let’s sit down and drink to celebrate!”
“I can’t sit down,” his son admitted. “It kinda hurts.”
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