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June 2022

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

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Question: What do a hurricane, tornado, fire and divorce have in common?

Answer: They are four ways you can lose your house.

Liza told her roommate Shelley, “My gynecologist recognized me at the supermarket this morning.”

“You’re gonna have to start wearing longer skirts,” Shelly advised.

Little Johnny was late getting to school one day. “I’m sorry, Miss Evans,” he told the teacher. “I had to make my own breakfast this morning.”

Miss Evans accepted his excuse, but decided to punish the tyke anyway. She ordered Johnny to stand in front of the classroom and answer some geography questions. “Tell us where the Canadian border is,” Miss Evans asked him.

“In bed with my mommy!” Johnny shrieked. “That’s why I had to make my own fuckin’ breakfast this morning!”

A young man walked into a pharmacy, grabbed some condoms and paid the clerk. Then he walked out the door, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thought this was weird, but figured that there wasn’t a law prohibiting wackos from having safe sex.

The next day the customer returned to the pharmacy and again bought condoms and walked away laughing. This really piqued the pharmacist’s interest. What’s so damn funny about buying condoms? he mused.

The pharmacist told the clerk. “If that weirdo ever comes back, I want you to follow him and see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the following day the guy came back, bought condoms and cracked up as he headed for the door. “Okay, go follow him,” the pharmacist instructed.

An hour later his employee came back. “Where did that weirdo go?” the pharmacist asked.

“Your house,” the clerk replied.

Did you hear about the night janitor who, thinking it was empty, walked into an executive’s office late one night? He scared the boss out of his secretary.

Walt bumped into his ex-girlfriend Janice, from whom he’d recently parted on bad terms. “I was having sex with another woman last night,” Walt announced, “but I was also thinking of you.”

“Because you miss me?” Janice excitedly asked.

“Nope,” Walt replied. “It stops me from coming too soon.”

Bubba got fired from his bingo-caller job. Apparently “a meal for two with a hairy view” is not the way to announce “69.”

A married couple was sound asleep when the phone rang. The husband rolled over, grabbed the phone and said, “Hello.” He listened to the caller and then growled, “How the hell am I supposed to know? It’s 300 miles from here.” Angrily he slammed down the phone, waking up his wife.

“Who was that?” she asked.

“The asshole didn’t say,” hubby muttered. “He wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

One of our readers wondered what his parents did to kill boredom before the internet. He asked his 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either.

Two old women wandering around an art museum eventually got separated. When they ran into each other, Esther exclaimed, “Oh, my, did you see that statue of a naked man back there?”

“Yes, I did,” Irene replied. “I was absolutely shocked. How can they display such a thing? My gosh, the penis was so large!”

“Yeah,” Esther sighed, “and cold too.”

While shooting the shit, a guy asked his friend, “You ever have that urge to eat something just because it’s right there in front of you?”

“Yep,” the pal replied. “That’s why I am no longer a gynecologist.”

Before going to work one day, Wyatt told his wife, “We have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings, and we all put on our gear. Bell 2 rings, and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings, and we climb onto the trucks and head to the fire.”

Wyatt then announced, “From now on we’re gonna run this house the same way. When I say, ‘Bell 1,’ I want you to strip naked. When I say, ‘Bell 2,’ I want you to jump into bed, and when I say, ‘Bell 3,’ we’re gonna make love all night.”

When Wyatt came home from work, he exclaimed, “Bell 1!” and his wife took off all her clothes. Then he yelled, “Bell 2!” and she jumped into bed. After his “Bell 3!” they began to have sex.

A minute later Wyatt’s wife hollered, “Bell 4!”

“What the hell is Bell 4?” Wyatt snorted, “Roll out more hose,” his wife responded. “You’re nowhere near the fire.”

Question: What’s the difference between a woman and a volcano?

Answer: A volcano never has to fake an eruption.

Maddie went into a bar in Texas and noticed a handsome cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. They were the biggest she’d ever seen. The twentysomething sashayed up to him and asked, “Is it true what they say about men with really big feet being well endowed?”

“It sure is, little lady,” the cowboy drawled. “Why don’t yuh come out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to yuh.”

Wanting to find out for herself if the adage was true, Maddie spent the night with the cowboy. After getting dressed the next morning, she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, the cowboy said, “Thank yuh, ma’am. Ah’m flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me for mah services before.”

“Don’t be flattered,” Maddie hissed. “Take that money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”

A man approached a streetwalker and asked, “Hey, sweetie, can I buy two minutes of your time?”

She replied, “What do you think you can do with me in just two minutes?”

“Come and go,” the man muttered.

Question: How do you know you’re getting old?

Answer: You start having dry dreams and wet farts.

One day Tommy asked his father, “What’s that thingy between Mom’s legs?”

“The door to heaven,” his dad replied.

“What’s that thingy between yours?” the ten-year-old prodded.

“The key to the door.”

“Hey, Dad, I think you should change the lock,” Tommy advised. “The guy next door has a spare key.”

Jack had an earache one day and went to his doctor’s office. He was waiting in an examination room when a beautiful young woman with a fantastic body stepped in.

“Dr. Brown is on vacation,” she announced. “But don’t worry. I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. So tell me why you’re here, and I’ll check it out.”

Jack eyeballed the sexy gal and told her, “My wife says my dick tastes funny.”

Two businessmen decided to take a break in their soon-to-open new store. So far only a few shelves were set up. One man said to the other, “I bet any minute now some busybody is gonna walk by, look in the window and wonder what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when a curious old woman peeked through the window and then entered the store. “What are you boys selling here?” she inquired.

The second businessman replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assholes.”

Without skipping a beat, the biddy remarked, “Sales must be going well. Only two left.”

Lester’s wife asked him where he wanted to be buried. Apparently “balls-deep in your sister” was not the right answer.

Bart went fishing one afternoon and hadn’t caught a thing in two hours. In the meantime the local pastor showed up and cast his line into the stream. Within half an hour he’d reeled in dozens of fish.

Pissed off about this, Brad went over to the clergyman and asked him, “Why are you catching fish and I’m not?”

“Well, my son,” the pastor replied, “go home and rub your hand between your wife’s legs. Then rub all of your bait. The smell will attract the fish.”

Brad packed up his gear and went home. Seeing his wife cooking dinner in the kitchen, he tiptoed up behind her, stuck his hand up her skirt and started rubbing her pussy.

His wife giggled and whispered. “Hello, Reverend. Going fishing again?”

A female assistant was giving her boss a blowjob when the executive’s cell phone rang. He picked it up and heard his wife scream, “Where the hell are you?! You were supposed to be home an hour ago!”

Putting a hand on the back of his assistant’s head, the executive replied, “Don’t worry, dear. I’m coming right now.”

Mike asked his buddy Don, “Hey, what’s bugging you?”

“I just had another fight with my wife,” Don replied. “That woman gives me shit for no reason at all.”
“So what set her off this time?” Mike prodded.

“We were both horny and just about to start having sex,” Don explained. “She had already taken off her blouse and jeans when I asked, ‘Why are you wearing your sister’s bra?’”

A man was in the delivery room with his wife, who was about to give birth.

“Get this baby out of me!” she shrieked. “Give me the drugs! You did this to me, you fucker!”

Her husband responded, “If you recall, I wanted to stick my dick up your ass, but you said, ‘Fuck off. It’ll be too painful.’”

Question: Why did God create Eve after Adam?

Answer: She thought she could do much better.

Here’s an odorous recollection from a gal name Alice:

“During lunch today I ate three servings of baked beans, which I knew was a bad idea. When I got home from work, my husband Kevin exclaimed, ‘Darling, I have a surprise for dinner!’

“He then blindfolded me and led me to my seat at the dining room table. Just as Kevin was about to remove the blind-fold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to remove the blindfold until he returned.

“The beans were making my insides rumble, and I desperately had to fart. I cut one, and it was loud and smelled worse than cooked cabbage. I took a nap-kin and vigorously fanned the air around me. Then I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than a truck hauling fertilizer running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump. While keeping my ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, I released a few more farts. The pleasure was fantastic!

“Eventually Kevin’s telephone farewell signaled the end of my freedom. I quickly fanned the air again, pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband apologized for taking so long.

“Kevin asked if I’d peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I hadn’t. When he finally removed it, I saw dinner guests seated around the table, all pinching their noses. Then they began to sing ‘Happy birthday to you….’”

A couple lived together for 20 years without tying the knot of matrimony. After they wed, the bride’s best friend asked her, “What made you finally decide to get married?”

The bride replied, “I got tired of giving him blowjobs.”

Boris got fired from his job because he kept asking customers whether they preferred smoking or nonsmoking. Apparently the correct terms are cremation and burial.

A lesbian went to a gynecologist for a downstairs checkup. He looked inside and exclaimed, “Ma’am, your vagina is one of the cleanest I’ve ever seen during all my years as a gynecologist.”

“And it should be!” the lesbian asserted. “I have a woman come in three times a week.”

Fiona and Mark were a married couple who lived on the 40th floor of a condo. One afternoon Fiona was having sex with her lover, a hunk named Jason, when she heard her hubby arriving home early. Fiona told Ja son to stand still and not move a muscle.

“What’s this?” Mark asked after noticing the naked dude in their bedroom.

“It’s the robot I bought to have sex with when you aren’t here,” Fiona fibbed.

“Well, since you’re already naked,” Mark bellowed, “let’s have sex right now!”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Fiona murmured. “My period just started. Let me get you a glass of wine.”

After his wife left, Mark thought, I’m so horny, I’m gonna fuck that robot. As he stepped behind him, Jason announced in a robotic monotone, “System error. Wrong hole. Please step away.”

“Damn robot!” Mark shouted. “You’re a worthless piece of shit! I’m gonna throw you out the window!”

Remembering he was on the 40th floor, Jason stuck with the robotic act: “Software updated. Please try again.”