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September 2020

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Humor

Jokes

Killer jokes to die for!

Back to Humor

A big-time executive came home and said to his wife, “I’ve been so busy, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

The missus told him, “By the look on your face, you’re going. When you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”

A middle-aged man and his perpetually nagging wife went to Israel for a vacation. While in Jerusalem the woman suddenly died. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her body shipped home for $5,000.”

The husband thought things over and said, “You can ship her home.”

The bewildered undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife’s body back home when she could have a beautiful burial here, and it would cost only $150?”

“Long ago,” the husband replied, “a man died here in Jerusalem, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance with my wife.”

Just as a dentist leaned over a female patient to begin working on a tooth, he was startled.

“Excuse me, miss,” he gasped, “but those are my testicles you’re holding.”

“I know,” the gal replied sweetly. “So let’s be careful not to hurt each other, okay?”

For the topic of his Sunday sermon a minister chose creation. “Man came first,” he began.

Suddenly a woman at the back of the church shouted out, “Some things never fuckin’ change!”

A guy walked into a crowded bar. Waving an unholstered pistol, he yelled, “This is a .45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine, plus a slug in the chamber and I wanted to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”

A voice from the back of the bar called out, “You’re gonna need more ammo!”

A man went into a store and asked a salesclerk, “In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?”

The clerk replied, “Are you Polish?”

Clearly offended, the customer said: “Yes, I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked about salami, would you have asked me if I was Italian? Or if I had ordered bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked about kosher hot dogs, would you have asked me if I was Jewish?”

The clerk admitted, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

“Well, then,” the customer snarled, “why did you ask me if I was Polish when I asked about Polish sausage?”

The clerk retorted, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

After a lot of soul-searching a long-time cheater told his buddy, “My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.”

A cheating wife had just finished giving her lover the screwing of his life. As she was lighting a cigarette, her cell phone rang. A brief conversation ensued, and then she said, “Okay, dear. Bye.”

“Your husband?” her boyfriend asked.

“Yes,” she answered, giggling. “He said he’ll be home late because he’s playing poker with you and a few of the boys.”

Tom said to his wife, “Let me come in your ear.”

“No way!” she hollered. “I’ll go deaf if you come in my ear!”

“That’s funny,” Tom countered. “I come in your mouth, and you never shut up.”

Mike went to apply for a job, and the interviewer asked him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

“Yes, sir, caffeine,” Mike replied. “I can’t drink coffee.”

“Okay,” the interviewer continued. “Have you ever been in the military?”

“Yes, sir,” Mike answered. “I did one tour in Afghanistan.”

“Great!” the human resources rep exclaimed. “That will give you five extra points toward employment.” Then he inquired, “Are you disabled in any way?”

Mike told him, “Yes, sir, I am. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles.”

The guy from HR grimaced, then announced, “Okay, you’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on reporting for work at that time moving forward.”

Mike was puzzled. “If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don’t you want
me here until 10?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer explained. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”

While lying in bed one evening, a farmer was reading, and his wife was knitting. The farmer looked up from the page of an animal-husbandry magazine and said, “Did you know that humans are the only species whose females achieve orgasm?”

His wife looked at him wistfully, smiled and responded, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”

The farmer frowned for a minute, then exclaimed, “Okay!” He got up, put on his coveralls and left his wife rather confused.

About a half hour later he returned. Tired and sweaty, he declared, “Well, dear, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t have orgasms, but the way that damn pig is always squealing, how the fuck can I tell?”

A man was talking to his son, who was about to graduate from high school. “Do you want to go to college?”

“No,” the boy replied, ‘I want to be a pizza delivery guy or a plumber.”

His dad yelped, “Stop watching porn, son!”

A 93-year-old man met a 79-year-old woman at the senior center, and they ended up in bed. Three days later he noticed that his dick was developing a drip, so he decided to have a checkup.

“Have you recently engaged in sex?” the doctor inquired.

“As a matter of fact I have,” the 93-year-old proudly replied.

“Do you know where your partner is right now?” the doctor prodded.

“Yes, I do,” the geezer told him, “but why do you wanna know?”

“Because you’d better get over there,” the doctor advised. “You’re about to come!”

A bartender was getting ready to close for the evening when a man burst in and pulled out a gun. “This is a robbery!” the intruder yelled. “Put all your money in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot me!” the barkeep pleaded. “I’ll do whatever you say.” He stuffed all the money from the cash register into a bag and handed it over.

The crook snatched the loot, then put his gun to the bartender’s head. “Okay, give me a blowjob,” he demanded.

“I’ll do anything!” the barkeep insisted. “Just don’t shoot me!”

He quickly got on his knees and began sucking the holdup man’s pecker. After a few minutes, the guy got so excited from the blowjob that he dropped his weapon.

The bartender picked it up and handed it back to the robber. “Keep holding the damn gun!” he ordered. “One of my customers might walk in!”

Question: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

Answer: Both are excellent meat substitutes.

While  being evaluated at a mental asylum, a new patient asked a psychiatrist, “How do you determine if a person needs to be institutionalized?”

The shrink responded, “First we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket. Then we ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”

“I guess I won’t be here very long,” the new patient smugly remarked. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or cup.”

The psychiatrist just smiled and said, “You’re wrong. A normal person would pull the plug. So do you want a bed near the window?”

A man in his 40s and a younger woman were having a romantic dinner in an upscale restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. While taking an order at another table, the waitress noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, but the man didn’t seem to notice. He was staring straight ahead in a daze.

The waitress watched as the woman slid out of sight beneath the table. Thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, the waitress went over to the lovebirds’ table. “Pardon me, sir,” she said, “but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

The man calmly looked up at her and muttered, “No, she didn’t. My wife just walked in.”

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the procedure be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

After the operation the woman awoke from the anesthesia and found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she summoned the surgeon. “I thought I told you not to tell anyone about my surgery!” she snapped. “Where did these roses come from?!”

The doctor said that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt sad,” he explained, “because you went through all this by yourself. The second rose was from my nurse. She assisted me and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And the third rose?” the woman asked.

“That’s from a patient upstairs in the burn unit,” the surgeon replied. “He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

As  Professor Anderson was wrapping up class, he reminded his students about their final exam. “There will be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,” he sternly warned, “barring a serious medical condition or the death of a family member.”

A smartass male student stood up and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class burst into laughter.

Once the laughter subsided, Professor Anderson glared at the student and bellowed, “That’s not an excuse! You can use your other hand to write.”

Bret went into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist told the young man, “They come in packs of three, nine or 12. How many will you be needing?”

“Well,” Bret replied, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a little while now, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her folks, and then we’re going out. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky before I take her home.”

“I don’t have all day,” the pharmacist fumed.

“Okay, you’d better give me the 12-pack,” Bret said. “Once this girl’s had me, she’ll want it all the time.” He paid for the condoms and took off.

Later that evening Bret sat down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He immediately asked if he might give the blessing, and they agreed. He began reciting a prayer and continued it for several minutes.

His girlfriend leaned over and whispered, “You never told me you were such a religious person.”

Bret whispered back, “You never told me your dad was a pharmacist.”

A  priest kept chickens at this village. One evening a cock went missing. At a mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, “Who has a cock?”

All the men stood up.

“I’m sorry,” the priest said. “I meant who has seen  a cock?”

All the women stood up.

“No, no, no!” the priest snapped. “Who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”

Half the women stood up.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” the exasperated priest cried out. “Who has seen my cock?!”

All the nuns stood up.

Question: So what are blowjobs good for?

Answer: Population control.

 An old lady had an appointment with a psychiatrist. She sat down and said, “Doctor, I think I might be a nymphomaniac. Can you help me?”

“Yes, I can,” the shrink assured her. “But it will cost you $150 an hour.”

The biddy frowned, then asked, “How much for the whole night?”

Question: What do nail polish and panties have in common?

Answer: They both come off with alcohol.

 A married man asked his best friend, “If I slept with your wife and got her pregnant, would that make the two of us relatives?”

“No,” the friend snorted, “but it would make us even.”

 Two geezers, lifelong bachelors Sam and Gerard, were sitting on a park bench. As they were shooting the shit, several sexy female joggers passed by.

They got Sam’s attention. “So how’s your sex life these days?” he asked.

“Nothing special,” Gerard admitted. “I’m having what’s known as Social Security sex.”

“Social Security sex?” Sam repeated, confused. “What the hell is that?!”

“You know,” Gerard explained. “I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

Senior citizens Jerry and Frida were engaging in oral sex.

“I can’t stay down here much longer,” Jerry muttered. “Your pussy stinks.”

“It’s my arthritis,” Frida said.

“Arthritis in your pussy?!” Jerry bellowed.

“No!” Frida yelled back. “The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can’t wipe my ass.”

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark. Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the cop asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”

Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”

“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.

“How old are you?” the cop inquired.

“I’m 22, Officer.”

“And the girl—how old is she?”

The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

A man approached a gorgeous woman in a bar with the line, “Do you want to hear a joke about my johnson? Never mind. It’s too long.”

“Do you want to hear one about my pussy?” the woman retorted. “Never mind. You’ll never get it.”

A woman pregnant with triplets was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot three times in her belly. Saying it was too risky to operate, the doctor chose not to remove the bullets.

Sixteen years later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mother. “What’s wrong?” the mom asked.

“I was peeing, and a bullet came out,” the girl explained. So her mother told her what had happened 16 years earlier.

The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet, and the mom repeated the story about the bank robbery.

Later that evening the boy triplet went crying to his mother. “Let me guess,” she remarked. “You were peeing, and a bullet came out.”

“I wasn’t peeing,” the boy admitted. “I was jacking off, and I shot the dog!”