December 2019

Featuring Scarlett Sage

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Humor

Jokes

Killer jokes to die for!

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A Texas professor teaching a course

on the paranormal introduced himself

to his new students. He began by saying,

“I’m curious. How many of you believe in

ghosts?” About 60 hands shot up.

“How many of you have seen a ghost?”

was his next question, and about 15 hands

went up.

“How many of you have spoken to a

ghost?” the professor queried, and three

students raised their hand.

“So then,” the prof continued, “how

many of you have had sex with a ghost?”

Most of the students snickered, but one

farmboy in the back of the lecture hall

raised his hand. The professor asked the

lad to come forward.

With the gangly student at his side, he

announced, “I’ve been doing this for 25

years, and you’re the first person who’s

claimed to have had sex with a ghost.”

“I’m sorry, Professor,” the farmboy said.

“I thought you said goat.”

Two hillbillies, brothers Rex and Billy

Joe, walked into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talked

about their moonshine operation. Suddenly

a woman, who was eating a sandwich

at a nearby table, began to cough.

After a minute or two it became apparent

that she was in real distress.

Rex looked at her and asked, “Kin ya

swallow?”

The woman shook her head to indicate

no.

Then the hillbilly yelled, “Kin ya

breathe?”

The woman’s face was beginning to

turn blue, but again she shook her head.

Rex walked over to the choking gal,

pulled her to her feet, lifted up her dress,

yanked down her panties and gave her

right butt cheek a quick lick with his

tongue. The woman was so shocked that

she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction

flew out of her mouth.

As she began to breathe normally

again, Rex strode back to his table and

sat down. Billy Joe was impressed. “Ya

know,” he said, “I’d heard of that there

hind-lick maneuver, but I ain’t never seen

nobody do it.”

Jane and Arlene were outside their

nursing home, having a drink

and a smoke, when it started to rain. Jane

pulled out a condom, cut off the tip, put

it over her cigarette and continued right

on smoking.

Arlene raised an eyebrow and cackled,

“What in the hell is that?”

“It’s called a condom,” Jane explained.

“It keeps my cigarette from getting wet.”

 “And where did you get that condom?”

Arlene asked.

“You can buy them at any pharmacy,”

Jane responded.

The next day Arlene hobbled into the

local pharmacy and announced that she

wanted a box of condoms.

Obviously embarrassed, the pharmacist

looked at the biddy kind of strangely,

seeing as how she was well over 80.

Very delicately he asked Arlene what

size, texture and brand of condom she

preferred.

“Doesn’t matter, young man,” Arlene

muttered. “Just so long as it fits on a Camel.”

One day a boy asked his father,

“What’s the difference between

confident and confidential?”

His dad replied, “Well, you’re my son.

I’m confident about that. Your best friend

Jimmy is also my son. That’s confidential.

Iris dashed into a drugstore and told the pharmacist that she wanted some arsenic.

“What for?” he asked.

“I want to kill my husband,” Iris replied.

“Sorry, I can’t do that,” the pharmacist informed her.

Iris quickly reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. She handed it to the pharmacist.

“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription,” he said.

Mel was in a bar when he saw a guy holding a gigantic cigarette lighter. He went up to him and asked, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The patron replied, “See that fella playing the piano? He’s a genie, and he’ll grant you one wish.”

Mel ambled over to the piano player and requested, “I want a million bucks!”

All of a sudden the bar was filled to overflowing with a million ducks. Confused and disappointed, Mel staggered back to the dude with the huge lighter and muttered, “That genie is a little hard of hearing, isn’t he?”

“No kidding!” the other barfly bellow ed. “Ya think I wanted a 14-inch Bic?!”

HUSTLER Wisdom: If you talk to God, they say you’re religious. If God talks to you, they call you insane.

During a checkup, Cliff bragged to his doctor and a nurse that despite being 80 years old, he could still have sex three times a night. After the doctor left, the nurse said, “I hope I’m not being too forward, but I’d love to have sex with you, sir. Let’s go back to my place.”

The geezer liked that idea. Upon arriving at her home, the nurse led Cliff to her bed, and they had an hour of hot, passionate sex. Afterward Cliff said, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my cock in your right hand.”

The nurse was perplexed, but she murmured, “Okay.”

Cliff dozed for an hour and woke up. He and the nurse then had better sex than before. “That was great!” Cliff roared. “But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have even better sex than that. All you have to do is—”

“I know, sir,” the nurse interjected. “You want me to hold your cock and balls again.”

As Cliff promised, the next round of sex was mind-blowing. Once it was over, the exhausted nurse asked, “Does holding your cock and balls stimulate you that much?”

Cliff replied, “No, not at all. But the last time I had sex with a nurse, she stole my wallet while I was sleeping.”

A young female golfer’s tee shot sliced badly and hit a man about to take his own shot from an adjoining hole. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and rolled around in agony.

Being a doctor, the woman rushed over to the guy and offered to relieve his pain. Reluctantly he agreed. The gal took his hands away from his crotch, unzipped his pants and stuffed her right hand inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes, then asked, “How does that feel?”

The man looked up and replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken.”

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation was lying on a gurney in a hospital hallway. A man in a white coat approached her, lifted up her sheet and visually examined her naked body. He walked away and conferred with another guy in a white coat. The second man approached the patient and performed the same examination.

When a third man in white approached her, the impatient beauty remarked, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man shrugged and said, “Your guess is as good as mine. We’re just here to paint the halls.” 

Jeff watched in horror as his wife, Ally, sliced her tee shot through a window of a mansion adjacent to the golf course. “I warned you to be careful,” Jeff sneered. “Now we’ll have to go over there, apologize to the owner and find out how much that lousy drive is gonna cost us.”

The couple, rolling their golf bags, trudged up to the mansion and knocked on the front door. A sonorous voice said, “Come on in!”

When Jeff and Ally stepped inside, they saw chunks of glass scattered all over the floor and a broken antique bottle lying on its side. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the idiots who broke my window?”

“Uh, yes, we are,” Jeff admitted. “My wife and I are sorry about that.”

“No apology is necessary,” the other man declared. “I want to thank you. My name is Raj. I’m a ge nie, and I had been trapped in that bottle you broke for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give each of you a wish, but if you don’t mind, I’m going to keep the last one for myself.”

“We don’t mind!” Jeff exclaimed. “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!”

“No problem,” Raj assured him, “and I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life.

“So, young lady, what do you want?” Raj asked Ally.

She replied, “I’d like to own mansions in a dozen countries, complete with servants.”

“Consider it done,” Raj told her.

Jeff then asked, “What’s your wish?”

Raj’s eyes lit up. “Since I haven’t been with a woman for a thousand years, I’d like to have sex with your wife.”

Jeff looked at Ally and said, “Whaddaya think, honey? We’ll both have a fortune and all those houses.”

Ally responded, “Considering all that he’s given us, it’s the least I can do, dear.”

Ally and Raj went off to the bedroom. After hours of nonstop sex, he rolled over and asked Ally, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she gasped.

“No kidding,” her lover muttered. “Thirty-five, and you both still believe in genies.” 

Soon after the airliner had reached its cruising altitude, the pilot announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Thank you for flying with us today. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and pleasant flight,” So sit back, relax and…. Omigod!”

There was complete silence for a few minutes. Then the pilot got back on the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

From the back of the plane a passenger yelled, “You should see the back of my pants!”

Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your Harley?

Answer: You might let your friends ride your wife. 

When Joe died, he went to hell and was immediately taken to a room filled with beautiful, voluptuous blondes and huge kegs of beer. Looking around, Joe saw a demon nearby and cried out, “You call this place hell?! This is my idea of heaven!”

“Not so fast, buddy,” the demon hissed. “The kegs all have holes in them, and the blondes don’t.” 

Mike and his fiancée, Karen, would soon be getting married, so his father sat him down for a little chat. “Son, let me tell you something,” Mike’s dad began. “On my wedding night in the honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here, try these on.’ Your mother did and said, ‘These are too big. I can’t wear them.’

“I cried out, ‘Exactly! I wear the pants in this family and always will.’ Ever since our wedding night your mother and I have never had any problems.”

Mike looked at his father and said, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

A few weeks later Mike and Karen were on their honeymoon and getting ready for bed. Mike took off his pants, handed them to Karen and ordered, “Try these on.”

While trying to put on her husband’s pants, Karen complained, “These are too large. They don’t fit me.”

“Exactly!” Mike bellowed. “I wear the pants in this family and always will. Don’t you ever forget that!”

Karen found a pair of her own pants and told Mike, “Here, try a pair of mine on.”

“I can’t get into your pants,” Mike said.

“Exactly!” Karen shot back. “And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.”

Fred was confused when his doctor prescribed LSD for his constipation. But a few hours later Fred saw a fire-breathing dragon and shit his pants.

Question: Who’s going to miss Donald Trump the most after he leaves the White House?

Answer: Late-night comedians. 

Ralph returned from the doctor and gave his wife the bad news: “I only have 24 hours to live. Can we make love right now?” She agreed, and they rushed to the bedroom.

About six hours later Ralph and the missus were watching TV. “Honey, now I only have 18 hours to live,” Ralph reminded her. “Could we please do it one more time?” The wife was okay with that, and they had sex again.

Still later, as his wife was dozing beside him, Ralph looked at the alarm clock and realized he had only eight hours left. He nudged his wife’s shoulder. When she woke up, Ralph begged, “Honey, please, just one more time before I die.”

“Of course, dear,” she groaned, and the couple fucked a third time.

After this session Ralph’s spouse rolled over and fell fast asleep. Worried about his impending death, Ralph tossed and turned until he was running out of time. He tapped his bedmate and managed to rouse her. “Sweetheart, I only have four more hours,” Ralph whined. “Do you think we could make love again?”

“Listen, Ralph,” his wife snapped, “I have to get up in the morning! You don’t!”

You know you’re getting old when your wife invites you to run upstairs for hot sex, and you tell her she’ll have to choose because you can’t do both. 

Question: What is the minimum sentence for bigamy?

Answer: Two mothers-in-law. 

Question: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Answer: How do you breathe through that thing?

Two middle-aged spinsters were chatting. “George Johnson asked me out for a date,” Dorothy divulged. “I know you went out with him last week, Edna, so I wanted to talk with you about him before I give my answer.”

“I’ll tell you everything,” Edna said. “George showed up at my house punctually at 7 p.m., dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit, and handed me a beautiful bouquet. Parked at the curb was a limousine with a chauffeur, and off we went. First we had a marvelous dinner—lobster, French champagne, dessert and after-dinner drinks. Then George and I went to a movie. I was having such a good time, Dorothy, I could have just died from pleasure!”

“George seems like a very nice guy,” Dorothy remarked.

“Let me finish!” Edna snapped. “Once the limo got to my house, I asked George to come in, and he turned into an animal. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me three times!”

“Goodness gracious!” Dorothy gasped. “Are you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with George?”

“No, no, no,” Edna replied, smiling. “I’m just saying wear an old dress.” 

Three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man suddenly jumped out and flashed them. Two of the biddies immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn’t quite reach. 

Opponents of laws legalizing the recreational use of marijuana argue that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. Next they’ll be saying that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. 

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer, and Judy married again. She and Bob raised seven more kids. After Bob was killed in a car accident, Judy wed John and had five more children. By the time Judy died, she’d given birth to 25 children.

Standing before Judy’s coffin, the preacher thanked God for this loving woman. He then bellowed, “Lord, they are finally together!”

Two of Judy’s close friends were sitting next to each other at the funeral, and Ethel leaned over to ask Maggie, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

Maggie whispered, “I think he means her legs, Ethel, her legs.” 

The nurse assured Tony, “Of course I won’t laugh. I’m a professional. For 20 years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay, then,” Tony said as he proceeded to drop his pants and shorts, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stifle a giggle, but it came out anyway. “I’m sorry,” she said, regaining her composure. “I don’t know what came over me. I promise it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Tony replied. The nurse ran out of the room. 

A husband walked into the bedroom and found his wife packing a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m moving to Nevada,” his wife told him. “I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for free! ”

Later, before making her getaway, the wife walked back into the bedroom and saw her husband packing a suitcase. When she asked him where he was going, he snarled, “I’m coming too. I wanna see how you’ll live on $800 a year.” 

Question: How do we know that God likes women better than men?

Answer: Multiple orgasms. 

HUSTLER WISDOM:  Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. 

A sexy speech therapist named Carla was at an impasse with three male stutterers. Deciding it was time for drastic action, she announced, “I’ll give a blowjob to the man who can tell me where he was born without stuttering.”

Patrick quickly stood up and said, “B-b-b-boston.” He angrily shook his head and sat down.

James got up and went, “C-c-c-cleveland.” Disappointed, he slapped his own face and sat back down too.

Daniel stood up and told the therapist, “I’m from Miami.”

Carla dropped to her knees and made good on her promise. After finishing the BJ, she asked, “How was that?”

“B-b-b-beach.”