April 2020

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Humor

Jokes

Killer jokes to die for!

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Senior citizens Jerry and Frida were engaging in oral sex.

“I can’t stay down here much longer,” Jerry muttered. “Your pussy stinks.”

“It’s my arthritis,” Frida said.

“Arthritis in your pussy?!” Jerry bellowed.

“No!” Frida yelled back. “The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can’t wipe my ass.”

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark. Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”

“What are you doing?” the cop asked.

“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”

Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”

“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.

“How old are you?” the cop inquired.

“I’m 22, Officer.”

“And the girl—how old is she?”

The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”

A man approached a gorgeous woman in a bar with the line, “Do you want to hear a joke about my johnson? Never mind. It’s too long.”

“Do you want to hear one about my pussy?” the woman retorted. “Never mind. You’ll never get it.”

A woman pregnant with triplets was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot three times in her belly. Saying it was too risky to operate, the doctor chose not to remove the bullets.

Sixteen years later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mother. “What’s wrong?” the mom asked.

“I was peeing, and a bullet came out,” the girl explained. So her mother told her what had happened 16 years earlier.

The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet, and the mom repeated the story about the bank robbery.

Later that evening the boy triplet went crying to his mother. “Let me guess,” she remarked. “You were peeing, and a bullet came out.”

“I wasn’t peeing,” the boy admitted. “I was jacking off, and I shot the dog!”

A young couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the boy, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”

The next morning, when the tyke sat down for breakfast, there was a huge stack of pancakes on the kitchen table. “Gee, Mommy, are these all for me?” the boy asked.

“Just take two,” his mother instructed. “The rest are for your father.”

Question:  Do you know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?

Answer: Women know that if a man will eat oysters, he’ll eat anything.

 A very old woman named Agnes was walking through the park one afternoon when she heard a voice croak, “Pick me up. Pick me up.” She looked around and saw a frog squatting near her feet.

“Why should I pick you up?” Agnes asked. “You’re a frog.”

“That’s true,” the frog admitted, “but if you pick me up and kiss me, I’ll turn into a young, handsome prince who’s always ready for sex.”

Agnes gave it some thought, then picked up the frog and stuffed it in her purse. “Aren’t you going to kiss me so I can turn into a young, handsome prince and make passionate love to you?” the frog asked.

“Nope!” Agnes snorted. “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

Question:  What do you call a teenage boy who says he doesn’t masturbate?

Answer: A liar.

A nurse, worn out after her night shift at a hospital emergency room, walked into a bank. Needing some cash,  she pulled a rectal thermometer out of her purse and began to write a check with it. When she realized what was in her hand, she looked at the flabbergasted teller. Without missing a beat, the nurse exclaimed, “Well, that’s just great. Some asshole’s got my pen!”

Kim and her blond friend Rhonda were having lunch when Kim said, “You don’t look very well today.”

“I’ve got a bit of a sore throat,” Rhonda disclosed, “and it hurts like hell.”

“I know a brilliant remedy!” Kim exclaimed. “Every time I get a sore throat, I give my husband a really good blowjob, and the next day I’m right as rain.”

“Hmm, thanks,” Rhonda sighed.

When the girls met up the following day, Kim asked, “Are you better today?”

“I’m fine!” Rhonda raved. “Your remedy worked great. Your husband loved the blowjob and couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

Simon was almost 70 and unable to perform sexually. For several months he went to his doctor, who tried a few things, but none worked. As a last resort, the M.D. referred Simon to an African witch doctor.

“I can cure your problem,” the witch doctor assured him. He threw some white powder into a flame, and there was a flash and billowing smoke. Then he warned, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. Just say ‘1-2-3,’ and your penis will arise for as long as you wish.”

“What should I do when I don’t want to continue?” Simon wondered.

“When your partner can take no more and is completely satisfied,” the witch doctor replied, “all she has to do is say ‘1-2-3,’ and your penis will wither, but it will not rise again for one full year.”

Simon rushed home, anxious as all get-out to finally fuck again. He showered, shaved and smothered himself in cologne. Then he slid into bed, cuddled up to his wife and said, “1-2-3.”

 Suddenly, just as the witch doctor promised, Simon was sporting the biggest boner of his life. As it nudged his wife’s backside, she moaned, “Why did you say 1-2-3?”

Question:  What’s the difference between a guy buying a lottery ticket and arguing with his wife?

Answer: He might have a chance of winning the lottery.

A grandmother telephoned the hospital and asked, “May I speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

“I’ll be glad to help,” the switchboard operator

chirped. “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Norma Lindsay, Room 659,” the granny provided.

The operator said, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurses’ station on that floor.” A few minutes later she was back on the line. “I have good news, ma’am. Nor ma’s nurse said she’s doing well. Her vital signs are good, her bloodwork came back normal, and her doctor said she should be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother gasped, “What a relief! I was worried about her. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” the operator said. “By the way, is Norma your daughter?”

“No, she’s not! I’m  Norma Findlay in Room 659. Nobody tells me shit up here!”

Emma  walked into a tattoo parlor and asked the artist, “Do you do custom work?”

“Of course,” the brawny dude replied.

“Great!” Emma exclaimed. “I’d like a portrait of Brad Pitt inside my right thigh and a portrait of Matt Damon inside my left thigh.”

“No problem,” the tattooist said. “Strip from the waist down and get on the table.”

After hours of hard work, Emma sat up and looked at the tattoos straddling her hairy pussy. “They don’t look like Brad Pitt and Matt Damon,” she complained.

“Oh, yes, they do,” the tattooist insisted, and I can prove it. Let’s get an impartial observer to check.” With that he ran out the door and grabbed the first person who passed by—the town drunk, as it turned out.

When they returned, Emma spread her legs for the tipsy stranger and asked, “Do you know who these men are?”

The boozer examined the tattoos for several minutes, then muttered, “I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fella in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson.”

Question:  What’s the difference between love and herpes?

Answer: Love doesn’t last forever.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a young boy opened it, the farmer asked, “Tim, is your father home?”

“No, sir.” Tim replied. “He went to town.”

“Well, then, is your mother around?” the farmer inquired.

“No, sir,” Tim answered. “She’s with Dad.”

“How about your brother “No, sir,” Tim responded. “I don’t know where he is.”

The flustered farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there something I can do for you?” Tim suggested. “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Good idea,” the farmer remarked. “Tell him it’s about Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

“Oh, you’ll have to talk to my dad about that ,” Tim said. “I know he charges $500 for the bull and $200 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard!”

A woman sued the hospital where her husband underwent surgery that left him unable to have sex with her anymore. After the woman lost the case, she addressed reporters outside the courthouse.

“My husband and I always had great sex,” she recalled, “until he went into that incompetent hospital and had his operation. Now he’s not interested in me, and it’s entirely the fault of the hospital.”

The surgeon who’d performed the operation— and testified at the trial—offered his own two cents to the press: “All we did was remove the patient’s cataracts.”

A  child spit out his food, and his mother yelled, “Hey, we don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth, you swallow!”
The father stared at his wife with raised eyebrows.
She stared back with fire in her eyes and whispered, “Shut the fuck up!”

Before going on a long business trip, Frank decided to buy his wife Katie something to keep her occupied in his absence. He went to a sex shop and explained the situation. The salesman said, “It’s pricey, but I think she’ll like the Magic Penis.”

“What’s that?” Frank wondered.

The salesman showed him the toy, and Frank laughed. “It looks like a plain old dildo.”
Pointing to the shop’s front door, the salesman commanded, “Magic Penis…door!” The fake dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. When a crack began to appear in the center of the door, the salesman said, “Magic Penis…return to box!” It stopped pounding and flew into the box. Frank bought it and took it home to his wife.

After her husband had been away for a few days, Katie remembered his gift. She undressed, opened the box and said, “Magic Penis…my vagina!” The fake dick shot into her pussy and started furiously pounding away. Three mind shattering orgasms later, Katie was exhausted and figured she’d had enough. She tried to pull out the Magic Penis, but it wouldn’t budge.
Since her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off, Katie put some clothes on, got in her car and rushed to the nearest hospital. On the way another intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police car was right behind her, and Katie was ordered to pull over.

The cop requested her license and asked if she’d been drinking. Gasping and twitching, Katie pleaded, “I haven’t had anything to drink, Officer. You see, I’ve got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch, and it won’t stop screwing me.”

The cop glared at Katie for a moment, shook his head and muttered, “Yeah, right, Magic Penis…my ass!”

An elderly man went into the confessional and told the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married and have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking those Viagra pills, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 18-year-old twins.”

Cringing, the cleric asked, “When was the last time you had confession?”

“Never!” the coot crowed. “I’m Jewish!” “Then why are you telling me?” the priest wanted to know.

“Hell,” the octogenarian replied. “I’m fucking telling everyone!”

Question:  What do a wedding anniversary, a toilet and a clitoris have in common?

Answer: Men always miss them.

A Texas professor teaching a course

on the paranormal introduced himself

to his new students. He began by saying,

“I’m curious. How many of you believe in

ghosts?” About 60 hands shot up.

“How many of you have seen a ghost?”

was his next question, and about 15 hands

went up.

“How many of you have spoken to a

ghost?” the professor queried, and three

students raised their hand.

“So then,” the prof continued, “how

many of you have had sex with a ghost?”

Most of the students snickered, but one

farmboy in the back of the lecture hall

raised his hand. The professor asked the

lad to come forward.

With the gangly student at his side, he

announced, “I’ve been doing this for 25

years, and you’re the first person who’s

claimed to have had sex with a ghost.”

“I’m sorry, Professor,” the farmboy said.

“I thought you said goat.”

Two hillbillies, brothers Rex and Billy

Joe, walked into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talked

about their moonshine operation. Suddenly

a woman, who was eating a sandwich

at a nearby table, began to cough.

After a minute or two it became apparent

that she was in real distress.

Rex looked at her and asked, “Kin ya

swallow?”

The woman shook her head to indicate

no.

Then the hillbilly yelled, “Kin ya

breathe?”

The woman’s face was beginning to

turn blue, but again she shook her head.

Rex walked over to the choking gal,

pulled her to her feet, lifted up her dress,

yanked down her panties and gave her

right butt cheek a quick lick with his

tongue. The woman was so shocked that

she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction

flew out of her mouth.

As she began to breathe normally

again, Rex strode back to his table and

sat down. Billy Joe was impressed. “Ya

know,” he said, “I’d heard of that there

hind-lick maneuver, but I ain’t never seen

nobody do it.”

Jane and Arlene were outside their

nursing home, having a drink

and a smoke, when it started to rain. Jane

pulled out a condom, cut off the tip, put

it over her cigarette and continued right

on smoking.

Arlene raised an eyebrow and cackled,

“What in the hell is that?”

“It’s called a condom,” Jane explained.

“It keeps my cigarette from getting wet.”

 “And where did you get that condom?”

Arlene asked.

“You can buy them at any pharmacy,”

Jane responded.

The next day Arlene hobbled into the

local pharmacy and announced that she

wanted a box of condoms.

Obviously embarrassed, the pharmacist

looked at the biddy kind of strangely,

seeing as how she was well over 80.

Very delicately he asked Arlene what

size, texture and brand of condom she

preferred.

“Doesn’t matter, young man,” Arlene

muttered. “Just so long as it fits on a Camel.”

One day a boy asked his father,

“What’s the difference between

confident and confidential?”

His dad replied, “Well, you’re my son.

I’m confident about that. Your best friend

Jimmy is also my son. That’s confidential.

Iris dashed into a drugstore and told the pharmacist that she wanted some arsenic.

“What for?” he asked.

“I want to kill my husband,” Iris replied.

“Sorry, I can’t do that,” the pharmacist informed her.

Iris quickly reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. She handed it to the pharmacist.

“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription,” he said.

Mel was in a bar when he saw a guy holding a gigantic cigarette lighter. He went up to him and asked, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The patron replied, “See that fella playing the piano? He’s a genie, and he’ll grant you one wish.”

Mel ambled over to the piano player and requested, “I want a million bucks!”

All of a sudden the bar was filled to overflowing with a million ducks. Confused and disappointed, Mel staggered back to the dude with the huge lighter and muttered, “That genie is a little hard of hearing, isn’t he?”

“No kidding!” the other barfly bellow ed. “Ya think I wanted a 14-inch Bic?!”

HUSTLER Wisdom: If you talk to God, they say you’re religious. If God talks to you, they call you insane.

During a checkup, Cliff bragged to his doctor and a nurse that despite being 80 years old, he could still have sex three times a night. After the doctor left, the nurse said, “I hope I’m not being too forward, but I’d love to have sex with you, sir. Let’s go back to my place.”

The geezer liked that idea. Upon arriving at her home, the nurse led Cliff to her bed, and they had an hour of hot, passionate sex. Afterward Cliff said, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my cock in your right hand.”

The nurse was perplexed, but she murmured, “Okay.”

Cliff dozed for an hour and woke up. He and the nurse then had better sex than before. “That was great!” Cliff roared. “But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have even better sex than that. All you have to do is—”

“I know, sir,” the nurse interjected. “You want me to hold your cock and balls again.”

As Cliff promised, the next round of sex was mind-blowing. Once it was over, the exhausted nurse asked, “Does holding your cock and balls stimulate you that much?”

Cliff replied, “No, not at all. But the last time I had sex with a nurse, she stole my wallet while I was sleeping.”

A young female golfer’s tee shot sliced badly and hit a man about to take his own shot from an adjoining hole. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and rolled around in agony.

Being a doctor, the woman rushed over to the guy and offered to relieve his pain. Reluctantly he agreed. The gal took his hands away from his crotch, unzipped his pants and stuffed her right hand inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes, then asked, “How does that feel?”

The man looked up and replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken.”