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February 2023

Kiara Cole
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Humor

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

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Tom’s wife just found out that she had been adopted. Sandra was devastated and kept asking her husband, “Why didn’t my birth parents want me?”

Tom comforted her, and eventually Sandra—crying her eyes out—asked him to make love to her. They got down to business, but this led to more tears.

Later Tom reflected, Banging Sandra from behind and shouting ‘Who’s your daddy?!’ might have been insensitive.

A waiter asked the patron he was serving, “How would you like your steak, sir?”

“Like winning an argument with my wife,” the man muttered.

“Rare it is!” the waiter exclaimed.

Question: What are multiple orgasms?

Answer: God’s way of compensating women for having to sit down to pee.

A wedding reception ended in a brawl and a court appearance. The judge was having difficulty getting to the truth of what had actually happened until the best man offered to outline the facts.

“Your Honor,” he began, “I was the best man at the wedding. It is the tradition in these parts that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. But the music kept going, so we continued dancing for around 15 minutes. Then the groom jumped over a table and kicked the bride right between her legs.”

“That must have hurt,” the judge remarked.

“Hurt?!” the best man yelped. “He broke three of my fingers!”

Fred looked at his wife and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a ten-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old woman. I’ve worked hard our whole married life, and now we have an $800,00 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me you’re not holding up your end of the bargain.”

Fred’s wife was a very reasonable lady. She told her husband that if he went out and found a hot 23-year-old woman, she’d make sure that he’d once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a ten-inch black-and-white TV.

Question: Who loses in every election?

Answer: The voters.

Oliver had invited his parents to meet his fiancée, Kristen, over cocktails at the swanky Plaza Hotel in New York City. After Oliver’s folks had departed, Kristen wanted to know what kind of impression she’d made.

Oliver said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, dear, but while you were in the ladies’ room, my mother told me that she considered you rather uncouth.”

“Did you tell your parents that I attended a finishing school in Switzerland and graduated from Yale?”

“Yes, dear,” Oliver replied.

“Did you also tell them that my family enjoys the highest social standing in Southampton.”

“I certainly did, dear.”

“Then what the fuck is all this uncouth shit about?!” Kristen shouted.

Blake was on a first date with Denise. Thinking they were a good match, he asked, “How about us spending a romantic weekend in the nicest hotel in town?”

Denise looked at him and said, “I’m afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such an erotic confrontation.”

“Er, sorry, Denise, but I don’t fuckin’ get it,” Blake fessed up.

“Exactly!”

A little girl went to the barbershop with her father. As he was getting his hair cut, she stood right next to the chair, eating a snack cake.

Looking down, the barber cautioned, “You’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”

“I know,” the girl squealed. “I’m gonna get tits too!”

Question: Why does it take 400,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

Answer: So few ask for directions.

A little old lady walked into a biker bar and found the meanest-looking hombre in the place. Stepping up to him, she said, “I’d like to ride with your crew.”

“You can’t ride with us,” the biker snarled. “Where’s your bike?”

The biddy pointed to a Harley parked outside and said, “That’s my bike.”

“That’s a fine ride,” the biker noted, “but we’re mean bastards. You’re not mean enough to ride with us.”
Suddenly the gal coldcocked the guy standing behind her with her purse, poked his nuts with her cane and kicked his head as he fell to the floor.

“Hey, that’s pretty mean,” the biker grunted. “But have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The little old lady thought for a moment, then replied, “Naw, but I’ve been swung around by my titties a few times.”

Question: When is a man thinking about sex?

Answer: Whenever he’s talking to a woman.

Rosie was relaxing on a park bench when a young fella plopped down on the other end. Being a friendly sort, she asked, “How do you like to spend your free time?”

“I stalk,” the guy replied.

“Really?” Rosie chirped. “I enjoy walks in the park and going to movies.”

“Yes, I know,” the dude said.

After their first date, LuEllen and Matt were undressing in her bedroom when she spotted a NIKE tattoo on the dude’s right shoulder. Then, as he took off more clothing and his socks, she saw REEBOK tattooed on an ankle.

This guy’s got a sports brand fetish, LuEllen thought.

When Matt was stark naked, Lu-Ellen—who was down to her bra and panties—recoiled in horror. AIDS was tattooed on his flaccid cock.

“No way am I going near that damn thing!” she shrieked.

“Relax, baby!” Matt exclaimed. “In a minute it’ll say ADIDAS!”

On a visit to the barber, Walt asked if he had any remedies to cure
his baldness.


“It might sound kinda strange, but the best thing I’ve found is a gal’s Vaginal juices,” the barber confided.
“Shit, you’re balder than I am!” Walt yelped.


The barber shot back, “But you must admit, I’ve got a great mustache!”

Jason and Abby returned from their honeymoon, and it was obvious to everyone that the newlyweds weren’t talking to each other. Clint, Jason’s best man, took him aside and asked what was wrong.

“Well, Abby and I made love on our wedding night without any problems,” Jason explained. “But as I got up to take a leak, I put a $100 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” Clint said. “I’m sure Abby will get over it soon enough. She couldn’t have expected you to save your viriginity while she kept you waiting to get it on!”

Jason nodded, then remarked, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. Abby gave me $20 change.”

Bill admitted to his best friend, “All of the thrill is gone from my marriage, Randy.”


“So why not add some intrigue to your boring life and have an affair?” Randy suggested.
“What if my wife finds out?” Bill asked.


“Hell, this is a new age we live in,” Randy replied. “Go ahead and just tell her about it.”


Bill rushed home, walked in the door and immediately announced, “Honey, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think having an affair will help bring us closer together.””


“Forget it,” his wife snorted. “I’ve already tried that. It didn’t fuckin’ work!”

After taking golf lessons for two weeks, Paula felt ready for her first round. But while out on the course the young woman was stung by a bee. The pain was so intense that Pau­la headed back to the clubhouse.

On the way she ran into her instructor, Bill. Noticing her discomfort, the golf pro asked, “What’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee,” Paula whined.

“Where?”

“Between the first and second hole,” Paula replied.

Bill nodded knowingly and said, “Your feet were too far apart.”

Betty went to the cemetery every Saturday to water the flowers on her husband’s grave. After the widow was finished, she always walked backward to her car. One day her friend Sally came along on the cemetery jaunt. As they were leaving the grave, Sally asked, “Why are you walking backward?”

“When Harry was alive,” Betty explained, “he often told me, ‘You’ve got such a great ass, it could bring a dead man back to life.’ I’m not taking any chances.”

Question: How do you know when you’ve had a great blowjob?

Answer: You have to burp the cocksucker to get your balls back.

Todd went to his psychiatrist and 11 exclaimed, “Doc, you’ve got to help me! My wife is unfaithful. Every Friday night she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she’ll fuck anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” the shrink advised. “Take a deep breath and calm down.”

“Okay, Doc,” Todd responded. He took a deep breath and tried to chill.

“Now, tell me,”the psychiatrist weighed in. “Where exactly is Larry’s Bar?”

Alan was arrested for embezzlement and thrown in jail. The first night he shared a cell with a huge redneck named Bubba. “Yo, little man, you got a choice,” Bubba grunted.

“Choice of what?” Alan meekly asked. “You can be my husband or my wife,” the redneck proposed.

After pondering the situation, Alan said, “I guess I’d rather be your husband.”

“Oat’s cool,” Bubba barked. “Now come over here and suck your wife’s big, fat dick.”

Grace said to James, her fiance, “I already told you no sex before marriage.”

“But you had sex with Mike, Greg, Rex and Toby,” James pointed out.

“I didn’t plan to marry those guys!” Grace shot back.

Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

Answer: After five years your job will still suck.

Dawn told her doctor, “My bottom hurts a lot right around the entrance.”

“Young lady, your anus is an exit,” the doctor cited. “As long as you call it an entrance, it will hurt.”

Question: What’s a woman’s asshole doing when she’s having an orgasm?

Answer: Usually hanging out with his friends.

Joe walked into a bar, sat down and asked, “Hey, bartender, got any specials today?”

“As a matter of fact, we do,” the bar­keep replied. “We have a new drink in­vented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff vodka.”

“Geez,” Joe gasped, “what the hell is that?”

The bartender muttered, “We call it a Pabst Smir.”

Question: Why do many men have a foot fetish?

Answer: Because they lost their vir­ginity to a sock.

A man went to a bordello. Once in the hooker’s room, he put a $100 bill on her bed and dropped his pants and boxers. The whore nearly fainted when she saw the guy’s 19-inch dick.

“No way is that thing of yours going in my pussy!” the working girl ex­claimed. “I’ll lick it and suck it, honey, but that’s all.”

“Fuck that!” the man bellowed, tak­ing back his hundred bucks. “I can do all that myself!”

Question: What do Vladimir Putin and a stiff prick have in common?

Answer: Neither has a conscience.