Bits & Pieces

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July 2024

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

A guy picked up a low-priced escort and spent a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel. A few days later he found out that he had a nasty case of crabs.

He chased down the woman and snarled, “You gave me fuckin’ crabs!”

“Well,” she replied, “what did you expect for 20 bucks? Lobster?”

While sitting in a sauna, starry-eyed Daniel said to a perfect stranger, “Ya know, my wife’s an angel.”

“I envy you,” the other man snorted. “Mine’s still alive.”

Question: What did one pussy lip say to the other?

Answer: “What’s happened to us? We used to be so tight.”

A salesman was on a lengthy business trip to Las Vegas. One evening he was chatting with a sexy woman in his hotel’s lounge and eventually realized that she was a hooker.

The salesman told her, “I’ll give you $200 for a mediocre blowjob.”

“Honey,” the working girl cooed, “for 200 bucks I’ll give you the blowjob of a lifetime.”

“You don’t understand,” the salesman muttered. “I’m not horny, just homesick.”

Question: Why isn’t Barbie pregnant?
Answer: Ken came in a different box.

The mother superior was giving the nuns their last bit of advice before they left the convent. “There will be many men who’ll try to take sexual liberties with you,” she warned. “Remember that one hour of pleasure is the path to eternal damnation.”

One of the nuns piped up, “Reverend Mother, how do you make it last an hour?”

While taking a coffee break, four surgeons discussed their work. The first declared, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I’ve found that librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up, and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third chimed in, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up, and everything inside is color-coded.”

“I really like to operate on lawyers,” the fourth surgeon told his colleagues. “They are heartless, spineless and gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.”

Cliff and Bubba drove to a gas station because they’d heard about a contest for customers who bought a full tank of gas. While inside to pay up, Cliff hit up the attendant about the contest.

“If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” she explained.

“How do we enter?” Cliff asked.

The attendant replied, “I’m going to think of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex.”

“Okay,” Cliff said. “I’ll guess 7.”

“Sorry,” the attendant told him. “I was thinking of 8. But come back soon, guys, and try again.”

A week later, Cliff and Bubba returned. After paying for his fill-up, Bubba asked if the contest was still going on.

“It sure is,” the attendant remarked. “What’s your guess?”

“Nine,” Bubba blurted.

“Sorry,” the attendant said. “I was thinking of 3, but come back soon and try again.”

As the rubes headed to Bubba’s pickup truck, Cliff muttered, “I think that friggin’ contest is rigged.”

“No way,” Bubba insisted. “My wife won twice last week.”

HUSTLER Wisdom: If you were born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume that your parents started the new year with a bang.

A doctor stepped into the waiting room and announced, “Due to new patient-privacy restrictions, we will no longer call patients by name. So will the woman with the itchy, stinky vagina follow me to the exam room?”

Mr. Hudson came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of a mirror, admiring her tits. “What do you think you’re doing?” he asked.

Mrs. Hudson replied, “I went to the doctor today, and he said I have the breasts of a 25-year-old.”

“Oh, yeah?” her husband snorted. “And what did the doctor have to say about your 50-year-old ass?”

“Nothing,” Mrs. Hudson confided. “Your name didn’t come up at all.”

An anxious woman went to her gynecologist and asked nervously, “Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think lawyers come from?”

A blonde had just begun working as a hotel maid, cleaning rooms. One morning she was shocked to find a used condom in a wastebasket.

“What?” another maid asked. “Haven’t you ever had sex before?”

“Sure,” the blonde replied, “but never so hard that it took the fuckin’ skin off!”

A guy was waiting in a doctor’s office when the doc walked in. “I have bad news,” he told the fellow. “I’m afraid you must stop masturbating.”

“I don’t understand,” the wanker said. “Why?”

“Because I’m trying to examine you,” the doctor explained.

Question: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

Answer: “You are the wind beneath my wings.”

When 75-year-old Vince showed up for his appointment, the receptionist asked, “What are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” Vince replied.

“You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say something like that,” the receptionist snarled.

“Why not?!” Vince exclaimed. “You asked me what was wrong with me, and I told you!”

“Well, sir,” the receptionist said, “you’ve embarrassed the other patients with your foul language. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

“Okay,” Vince muttered. “There’s something wrong with my ear.”

The receptionist smiled and purred, “What’s the problem with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it!” the geezer bellowed.

Question: How do you know if your dogs are kinky?

Answer: They do it in the missionary position.

A man sat next to Artie on the bus, pulled out a snapshot and declared, “My wife is beautiful, isn’t she?”

After looking at the photo, Artie said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife.”

“Is she beautful too?” the bus rider inquired.

“Nope,” Artie replied. “My wife’s an eye doctor.”

When her husband came home from work in a nasty mood, Linda asked, “What’s wrong, James?”

“I had a bad day, and I need your oral support,” James replied.

“Don’t you mean moral?” Linda cooed.

“No, I don’t!” her husband snorted.

“They’re not for you. They’re going to HUSTLER for their 49th Anniversary.”

Ms. Timmins was always trying to teach her students good manners. During one class she asked Michael, “If you were having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you had to relieve yourself?”

Michael replied, “I’ll be back in a minute. I have to pee.”

“That would be very impolite,” Ms. Timmins snapped. “Sherman, how would you tell her?”

“I’m sorry, but I really gotta go to the bathroom,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better,” Ms. Timmins said, “but it’s not nice to mention the word bathroom at the dinner table.”

Then she addressed her most annoying student: “Joey, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I sure can,” Joey piped. “I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”

Patrick was walking through a park when he spotted an old lamp. He rubbed it, and the genie who appeared granted him three wishes.

“To be honest,” Patrick said, “I can’t think of anything I really need.”

“How about a million dollars?” the genie prompted. “Everyone could do with more money.”

“Not me,” Patrick insisted. “I lead a relatively simple life.”

“What about a fast car?” the genie asked. “I can get you a Ferrari with a snap of my fingers.”

“I don’t drive,” Patrick muttered.

“How about sex?” the genie suggested. “How many times do you get it on in a month?”

“Once or twice,” Patrick answered.

“There you go!” the genie exclaimed. “I can make your sex life much more active.”

“Well, okay,” Patrick remarked indifferently. “Truth be told, I thought once or twice a month was pretty good for a priest in a town this fuckin’ small.”

Question: What’s the difference between a cigar and a pussy?

Answer: If you can smell the cigar from across a room, it means it’s good.

A blowjob survey came up with the following findings: 5% of the men who took part liked how a blowjob looks, 20% liked the way a BJ feels, and the other 75% enjoyed the silence.

A city slicker pulled into a one-stoplight town in the middle of Wyoming. The place seemed deserted apart from a guy sitting in a rocking chair at the front of the general store.

“What do you folks do around here?” the city slicker asked.

The local fella replied slowly, “We don’t do nothin’ but hunt ’n’ fuck.”

“What do you hunt?” the out-of-towner inquired.

The rube in the rocker snickered, “Something to fuck!”

An old priest was beginning to get fed up with the number of people confessing to adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he announced, “If I hear another adultery confession from any of you, I’m quitting.”

To avoid incurring his wrath during confessions, the wayward parishioners came up with a code word: Adulterers would tell the priest that they had fallen. The arrangement appeared to satisfy the popular clergyman right up until his death.

Soon after settling into parish life, his young replacement visited the mayor. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in town,” he suggested. “When people come into the confessional, a lot of them mention having fallen.”

The mayor chuckled, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest muttered, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, sir. Your wife has fallen three times already this week.”

Question: What do women’s underwear and nail polish have in common?

Answer: They both come off with alcohol.

Two men were discussing how much trouble their wives gave them about having sex. Pete said, “My wife’s so cold, I can put a glass of water in bed with her, and the next morning it’s turned to ice.”

Kevin exclaimed, “Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs, the friggin’ furnace goes on!”

Question: What’s the difference between Cialis and Donald Trump?

Answer: One is a yellow-orange pill that works to steel erections. The other is a yellow-orange shill that works to steal elections.

A doctor told his patient, “Robert, I have good news and bad news for you.”

“Uh, what’s the bad news?” Robert asked.

“You have terminal emphysema,” the doctor informed him. “I’d give you three to six months.”

“Aw, shit!” Robert bellowed. “So what’s the good news?”

The doctor replied, “That smokinghot nurse out in the waiting room has agreed to go out with me tonight.”