Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Dirty jokes for your dirty mind
Tired of dumb-blonde jokes, a blonde named Sally decided to dye her hair red. One day she drove out to the countryside and spotted a sheep farm. Fancying some mutton for dinner, she hopped out of her car and knocked on the door.
The farmer opened it and asked, “How can I help you, ma’am?”
Sally said, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home with me?”
“Okay,” the farmer agreed.
When Sally uttered “Two hundred and eighty-six,” the farmer exclaimed, “Wow, that’s amazing! Go pick one out.”
Sally grabbed an animal and loaded it into her car. Just as she started the engine, the farmer came over and peered into the driver-side window. “Is there a problem?” Sally asked.
The bemused farmer looked at her and muttered, “Well, ma’am, if I can guess what color your hair was before you dyed it, can I have my dog back?”
Eddie was going to marry his gorgeous Italian-American girlfriend Sofia, but he wondered if her kid sister had the hots for him. Lucia was 19, just as voluptuous as Sofia and always wore miniskirts and low-cut tops without a bra. Whenever Eddie was around, she’d suddenly bend over and give him a nice view.
One day Lucia called and asked Eddie to drop by to look at the wedding invitations. His prospective sister-in-law was alone when he arrived and quickly admitted that she had desires for him that couldn’t be overcome. “I’m going up to my bedroom,” Lucia purred, “and if you want one last wild fling before marrying Sofia, come up and get me.”
Eddie was stunned as he watched the babe sashay up the stairs. Knowing that his car was parked nearby, he made a beeline to the front door and opened it.
Lo and behold, Sofia and a cluster of people were standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, the bride-to-be’s father put down his shotgun and hugged Eddie. “We are happy that you passed our little test,” he said. “We couldn’t ask for a better man to marry my daughter. Welcome to our family.”
And the moral of this story is: Always keep the condoms in your car.
How’s this for a birds-and-bees discourse? A ten-year-old girl asked, “Mommy, how was I born?”
Her mother replied, “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the ground, and I took care of it every day. After a while the seed began to sprout more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant.”
“But what does that have to do with me, Mommy?” the girl squealed.
“I’m getting there,” her mother continued. “We took the plant inside, dried the leaves, smoked them and got so high that Daddy forgot to wear a condom.”
Two hicks were looking through a mail-order catalog. “Look at these beautiful women!” Jed marveled. “The prices are reasonable too!”
Nick agreed and hollered, “I’m ordering one of these right now!”
Three weeks later Jed asked, “Has your woman been shipped to you yet?”
“No,” Nick replied, “but it shouldn’t be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday.”
Here’s all you need to know to make you a believer in Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. Pfizer is the same pharmaceutical company that created Viagra. Logic then dictates that we can rely on the vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, it should certainly be able to protect the living.
A college freshman walked up to his father and announced, “I just lost my virginity.”
“That’s my boy!” the father exclaimed. “Let’s sit down and drink to celebrate!”
“I can’t sit down,” his son admitted. “It kinda hurts.”
Little Wanda asked her mother, “Can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?”
“No,” her mom sternly replied. “The dog’s in heat.”
“What does that mean?” the ten-year-old asked.
“Go ask your father,” her mother suggested.
Wanda found her dad in the garage and whimpered, “Mom said Lulu’s in heat and I should come ask you if I can take her for a walk around the block.”
“Bring Lulu here,” Wanda’s dad ordered.
After his daughter returned with the pooch, he soaked a rag with gasoline and rubbed Lulu’s backside to cover the scent. “Okay, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only walk around the block one time.”
Wanda and Lulu took off, but a while later the girl came back empty-handed.
“Where’s Lulu?” her father asked.
“She ran out of gas halfway around the block,” Wanda answered. “But don’t worry. Another dog is pushing her home.”
While in rural Ireland, Tiger Woods pulled his BMW into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant, Paddy—who knew nothing about golf—came up to him and said, “Top o’ the morning to you, sir.”
Tiger said a polite hello and told Paddy he wanted to pump his own gas. Just as Tiger bent over to insert the nozzle, two golf tees fell out of his shirt pocket.
“What are those?” Paddy asked.
“They’re called tees,” Tiger explained. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.”
“Fuck me!” Paddy shouted. “BMW thinks o’ everything!”
Question: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Answer: It isn’t hard.
Stark naked, a man stood in front of a full-length mirror. While admiring himself, he told his wife, “Look at that—180 pounds of pure dynamite.”
She looked at him and growled, “It’s a fucking shame about the two-inch fuse.”
Calvin went to his doctor for a physical. “Everything looks great,” the doctor told the 90-year-old. “But how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
“God and I are right,” Calvin replied. “He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on, and when I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“That’s incredible,” the doctor marveled. Later that day the doctor phoned Calvin’s wife Ethel. “Your husband is doing fine,” he assured her. “I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” Ethel crowed. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”
Paddy O’Malley hoisted his stout and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my lovely wife.” That earned him the best toast of the night at the pub, and he went home feeling mighty proud.
His spouse was reading in bed when Paddy undressed and slid beside her. “Mary, I finally won the prize for best toast of the night,” he bragged.
“Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?” Mary murmured.
“Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my lovely wife.”
The following afternoon, while strolling through town, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking buds. “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize for his toast about you?” he asked.
“Aye,” Mary replied, “and I was a tad surprised. Till now he’s only been down there twice. Once, he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
Question: What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a flying pig?
Answer: The letter f.
A little old lady named Edna went out to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the store’s cashier.
“I’m sorry,” the young girl said, “but we can’t sell any cat food without proof that you have a cat. Too many senior citizens are buying pet food to eat themselves. Management wants proof that you are buying this food for a cat.”
Edna went home in a huff, returned with her kitty and was allowed to buy the cat food.
The next day, Edna went to the same store to buy three cans of dog food, but was again told that she needed to prove she had a dog. The pissed-off biddy went home, brought her pooch to the store and paid for the dog food.
A few days later Edna was carrying a small cardboard box with a hole in it when she entered the store. “Stick your finger in the hole,” she told the cashier.
“No!” the girl exclaimed. “There could be a rat or spider in that box!”
Edna assured her there was nothing that bit. The puzzled cashier stuck a finger into the hole, quickly pulled it out and sniffed her finger. “Why did you put shit in this box?!”
“Proof, young lady,” Edna replied. “I want to buy three rolls of toiler paper, please.”
An 80-year-old man found his wife doing a handstand, stark naked, against a wall. Shocked, he asked, “What the heck are you doing?”
“I know you can’t get it up,” his horny missus explained. “Maybe you can drop it in.”
An old man was being tended to by a nurse. “Give us a kiss,” he begged.
“No!” the nurse responded.
“Come on, sweetie, give us a kiss,” the patient begged.
“Please?” the geezer persisted.
“Look, Mr. Jones,” the nurse cooed. “I shouldn’t even be jacking you off.”
Not the best student in Sunday school, April usually snoozed through the class. One day the teacher called on the teen while she was sound asleep: “April, who created the universe?”
When she didn’t stir, Bobby—the lad seated right behind her—took a pencil and jabbed April in the butt. “God Almighty!” April shouted.
“Very good,” the teacher commented, and April fell asleep.
A while later the teacher asked her, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
Again April didn’t stir, but Bobby came to the rescue and stuck the pencil in her keister a second time. “Jesus Christ!” April cried out.
“Very good,” the teacher muttered as April started to nod off. Without delay he asked, “April, what did Eve say to Adam after she’d given birth to her 23rd child?”
This time April jumped up and bellowed, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”
At school a classmate told Tim that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret. This makes it real easy to blackmail them by simply saying, “I know the whole truth.”
When Tim got home, he decided to give it a try. As he was greeted by his mother, he said, “I know the whole truth.”
His mom quickly dug up $20 and advised, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, Tim waited for his dad to get home from work. When the family’s breadwinner walked in the door, Tim went up to him and went, “I know the whole truth.” His father pulled out his wallet, forked over a 50 and whispered, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
While opening the front door the next morning, Tim saw the mailman walking toward the house. Passing him, Tim casually remarked, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately dropped the letters in his hand, opened his arms and said, “Then come here, son, and give your father a big hug.”
Question: Who wasted the best porn name ever on a basketball career?
Answer: Magic Johnson.
Zack’s wife yelled from upstairs, “Are you getting a shooting pain in your stomach, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it again and again?”
“No!” Zach yelled back. “I feel fine!”
“What about now?!” his wife hollered.
While walking through a park, Toby noticed an eye-catcher sitting on a bench. Stepping up to her, he remarked, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”
“You just want to fuck me,” the gal snorted.
“Wow!” Tony cried. “You’re smart too!”
A state trooper pulled over 87-year-old Agnes for speeding. As he looked at her driver’s license, he noticed that a concealed-weapon permit was attached to it. Taken aback, the trooper couldn’t help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession now, ma’am?”
In a crackly voice, Agnes replied, “I have a .45 automatic in the glove compartment.”
The trooper then asked if Agnes had any other weapons, and she readily admitted, “There’s a Glock 9mm in the center console.”
“Is that all?” the officer asked.
“Well, I do keep a .38 Special in my purse,” Agnes owned up.
Finally the astonished trooper asked, “What are you afraid of, ma’am?”
Smiling, the little old lady clucked, “Not a fucking thing!”
Frannie had been the Smiths’ maid for only a few months. Nevertheless, one morning she went up to Mrs. Smith—a gorgeous blonde in her late 20s—and said, “I’d like a pay raise.”
“Why do you think you deserve a raise?” the lady of the house asked.
“Three reasons,” Frannie replied. “First, I can cook better than you.”
“Who told you that?” Mrs. Smith wanted to know.
“Mr. Smith,” the maid responded. “Second, I clean better than you do.”
“And who told you that?” Mrs. Smith snarled.
“Mr. Smith,” Frannie repeated. “And third, I’m better in bed than you are.”
“I suppose my husband said that too,” Mrs. Smith muttered.
“No, the gardener told me,” Frannie confided.
“Okay,” Mrs. Smith huffed, “how much do you want?”
Jim’s wife was madder than hell. “I can’t believe you’ve been having sex with prostitutes!” she screamed. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” Jim countered. “It’s not like I’ve been getting any from you lately.”
“That’s your damn fault!” his wife snapped. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”
Question: What’s long, hard and has cum in it?
Answer: A cucumber, but we like the way you think.
One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus asking for a little brother. Santa wrote back and told the kid to send his mother.
Question: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
Answer: All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. They discussed the request and decided that whenever his family expanded, his pay would increase as well. After six children this got expensive, and the congregation held a meeting.
A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued as the assembled discussed how much the pastor’s additional offspring were costing the church and could potentially cost in the future. After listening to the congregation for about an hour, the pastor stood up.
“Children are a gift from God,” he said, “and my wife and I will take as many gifts as He gives us.”
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew a little old lady struggled to stand. Finally, in a frail voice, she cackled, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
The entire congregation chimed, “Amen.”
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A—has intimacy issues; B—is frigid; or C—needs to sit somewhere else on the bus.
Did you hear about the guy who gave up smoking, drinking and sex? He didn’t live longer; time just went by much slower.
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