Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
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Dawn told her doctor, “My bottom hurts a lot right around the entrance.”
“Young lady, your anus is an exit,” the doctor cited. “As long as you call it an entrance, it will hurt.”
Little Johnny dashed home one afternoon and, short of breath, told his mother, “I was at the playground and saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look for them and saw Daddy giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her dress, and she helped Daddy take his pants off.”
Johnny’s mom cut him off and said, “This is such an interesting story, save the rest for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when he finds out what you saw.”
At the dinner table, Johnny’s mother asked the lad to tell his story. He began with the car driving into the woods, the smooch and the undressing. “Then Aunt Jane lay down on the seat,” Johnny recounted, “and she and Daddy did the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Richard used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
Question: What’s a woman’s asshole doing when she’s having an orgasm?
Answer: Usually hanging out with his friends.
Joe walked into a bar, sat down and asked, “Hey, bartender, got any specials today?”
“As a matter of fact, we do,” the barkeep replied. “We have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff vodka.”
“Geez,” Joe gasped, “what the hell is that?”
The bartender muttered, “We call it a Pabst Smir.”
Question: Why do many men have a foot fetish?
Answer: Because they lost their virginity to a sock.
A man went to a bordello. Once in the hooker’s room, he put a $100 bill on her bed and dropped his pants and boxers. The whore nearly fainted when she saw the guy’s 19-inch dick.
“No way is that thing of yours going in my pussy!” the working girl exclaimed. “I’ll lick it and suck it, honey, but that’s all.”
“Fuck that!” the man bellowed, taking back his hundred bucks. “I can do all that myself!”
Question: What do Vladimir Putin and a stiff prick have in common?
Answer: Neither has a conscience.
An old man named Fred was sitting on a bench at the mall. A few minutes later a young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors—green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The geezer just stared at him.
The punk said sarcastically, “What’s the matter, Gramps? Never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, Fred replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my fuckin’ kid.”
Question: If a bluebird has blue babies, and a blackbird has black babies, what bird has no babies?
Answer: A swallow.
A young lad went to confession. “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,” he said. “I have been with a loose girl.”
“Is that you, Joey?” the priest asked.
“Yes, Father.”
“And who was the girl you were with?” the priest inquired.
“I cannot say,” Joey replied.
“Was it Theresa?”
“I’ll never tell,” Joey responded.
“Nina? Cathy? Rosa?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you the girl’s name,” Joey insisted.
“You’re very tight-lipped,” the priest asserted, “and I admire that. But you have sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy for three months. Now go and behave yourself.”
Joey took off and met up with his best friend, who asked, “What did you get this time?”
“A three-month vacation and four really good leads.”
“Men will fuck anything,” opined Frank’s wife, who used cucumbers, zucchinis, carrots, corn cobs, TV remotes, water bottles, knife handles, 17 different toys and a handheld shower head to masturbate.
Three mice hanging out in a bar were trying to impress each other about their toughness. The first mouse downed a shot of vodka, pounded the glass on the bar and said, “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my paw. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and bench-press it 100 times.”
The second mouse ordered two shots of tequila. After grabbing one in each paw, he guzzled both shots, slammed the glasses on the bar and looked at the other two mice. “When I see rat poison scattered around,” he told them, “I collect as much as I can take home. In the morning I put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first and second mouse turned to the third mouse, who was drinking beer without any fanfare. “I don’t have time for this bullshit!” he exclaimed. “I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”
Question: What do lesbians and mechanics have in common?
Answer: Snap-on tools.
Question: Why was the young queen disappointed on her honeymoon?
Answer: She thought that all rulers had 12 inches!
A macho man married a gorgeous younger woman and quickly laid down the law: “I’ll come home whenever I want to, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I’ll expect a scrumptious dinner every night, unless I tell you that I won’t be coming home. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing with my buddies whenever I feel like it, and don’t give me a hard time about that. These are the rules. Are you okay with them, dear?”
“They’re all fine with me,” his wife affirmed. “Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re home or not!”
Question: What are those tiny bumps around a woman’s nipples?
Answer: It’s Braille for suck here.
Question: Why do most men have a foot fetish?
Answer: Because they lost their virginity to a sock.
A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two military police officers ran up, and one gasped, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
Pointing to her left, the nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the officers dashed off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough. You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.”
“I understand completely,” the nun remarked.
“I hope I’m not being rude,” the soldier added, “but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun confessed, “If you’d looked a bit higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls. I don’t wanna go to Ukraine either.”
A kindergarten teacher gave her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they admired. “What a great picture,” she told one little boy. “Who is it?”
“That’s my dad,” he said proudly.
“Tell me about your father,” the teacher requested. “What’s he like?”
The kid shrugged, then replied, “Beer and pussy.”
Jon and Bret were on trial for drug possession. The judge declared, “I’d like to give you both a second chance. I want you to help others quit. Come back on Monday, and I’ll pass judgment then.”
On Monday the judge asked Jon, “How did you do?”
“Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs,” he proudly announced.
“That’s wonderful!” the judge exclaimed. “How’d you do that?”
“I used a diagram with two circles,” Jon explained. “I said the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little one was their brain after.”
“Very admirable,” the judge said. “Not guilty.” Then he turned to Bret and asked, “How did you do?”
“Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs.”
“Amazing!” the judge bellowed. “Tell me how!”
“I also drew a diagram with two circles,” Bret replied. “All I did was point to the smaller circle and say, ‘This is your asshole before you go to prison.’”
An 80-year-old man snarled, “Arthritis is the cruelest disease.”
“Even crueler than cancer?” his buddy queried.
“You bet,” the geezer muttered. “It makes all of your joints stiff except the right one.”
An exhibitionist was waiting in line to board an airplane. When the guy got to the female agent examining tickets, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
“I’m sorry, sir,” the agent murmured. “You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”
Question: How is nonalcoholic beer like a vibrator without batteries?
Answer: It fills you up nicely, but without the buzz.
After his wife was seriously injured in an automobile accident, Clay donated blood to help keep Emma alive. She recovered, but a few years later the couple were close to a divorce.
During one of their frequent shouting matches, Clay demanded, “I want my fucking blood back!”
Fuming, Emma threw a tampon at him and shrieked, “I’ll pay you monthly!”
One evening Mrs. Smith cooked deer steaks and served them to her husband and their two children. While they were eating, Mr. Smith thought it would be fun to have the kids guess what type of meat was on their plates.
“Is it beef,” little Katie asked, “or pork?”
“Nope,” Mr. Smith replied. “It’s neither.”
Willy whined, “Heck, Dad, we don’t know what it is.”
“I’ll give you a clue,” Mr. Smith said, smiling lovingly at his wife. “It’s something Mommy sometimes calls me.”
“Spit it out, Willy!” Katie screamed. “It’s asshole!”
Gail got naked and asked her husband, “What turns you on more, Joe—my pretty face or my sexy body?”
After looking up and down at his 59-year-old wife, Joe muttered, “Your sense of humor.”
A drunkard was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs of the Catholic church and into the nave, where he stumbled from pew to pew. He eventually found a confessional booth and stepped inside.
Meanwhile a priest had been observing the tipsy fellow’s travails. Figuring the man was in need of assistance, the priest entered his side of the confessional. His concern was rewarded by a lengthy silence. Finally he piped, “May I help you, my son?”
“You sure can,” the drunkard mumbled from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper over there?”
Question: What does the weather and a pussy have in common?
Answer: When it’s wet, you should go inside.
Tom was looking out his window one night as an elderly couple staggered up to the wire fence behind his apartment building. Much to his surprise, the old lady lifted her skirt, and the old man dropped his trousers. As he moved in, his partner leaned against the fence.
Suddenly the two seniors were having the most furious sex Tom had ever seen. Twenty minutes later they were still going at it. Tom, a recent retiree, wanted to find out if the lovebirds could tell him something about sex and aging.
By the time he met up with the randy old-timers, they were lying on the grass and gasping for breath. “Excuse me,” Tom said, “but you two were amazing. How could you keep going for so long at your age?”
The old man replied, “Last year we discovered this here electric fence.”
Julie was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother during her first visit home since starting college.
“Mom, I have to tell you,” she nervously announced, “I lost my virginity last weekend.”
“I’m not surprised,” her mother admitted. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.”
“Well, yes and no,” Julie explained. “The first eight guys felt fantastic, but after them my pussy got really sore.”
