Bits & Pieces

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind


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April 2023

Laura Desirée
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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

A female assistant was giving her boss a blowjob when the executive’s cell phone rang. He picked it up and heard his wife scream, “Where the hell are you?! You were supposed to be home an hour ago!”

Putting a hand on the back of his assistant’s head, the executive replied, “Don’t worry, dear. I’m coming right now.”

Mike asked his buddy Don, “Hey, what’s bugging you?”

“I just had another fight with my wife,” Don replied. “That woman gives me shit for no reason at all.”
“So what set her off this time?” Mike prodded.

“We were both horny and just about to start having sex,” Don explained. “She had already taken off her blouse and jeans when I asked, ‘Why are you wearing your sister’s bra?’”

A man was in the delivery room with his wife, who was about to give birth.

“Get this baby out of me!” she shrieked. “Give me the drugs! You did this to me, you fucker!”

Her husband responded, “If you recall, I wanted to stick my dick up your ass, but you said, ‘Fuck off. It’ll be too painful.’”

Question: Why did God create Eve after Adam?

Answer: She thought she could do much better.

Here’s an odorous recollection from a gal name Alice:

“During lunch today I ate three servings of baked beans, which I knew was a bad idea. When I got home from work, my husband Kevin exclaimed, ‘Darling, I have a surprise for dinner!’

“He then blindfolded me and led me to my seat at the dining room table. Just as Kevin was about to remove the blind-fold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to remove the blindfold until he returned.

“The beans were making my insides rumble, and I desperately had to fart. I cut one, and it was loud and smelled worse than cooked cabbage. I took a nap-kin and vigorously fanned the air around me. Then I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than a truck hauling fertilizer running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump. While keeping my ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, I released a few more farts. The pleasure was fantastic!

“Eventually Kevin’s telephone farewell signaled the end of my freedom. I quickly fanned the air again, pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband apologized for taking so long.

“Kevin asked if I’d peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I hadn’t. When he finally removed it, I saw dinner guests seated around the table, all pinching their noses. Then they began to sing ‘Happy birthday to you….’”

A couple lived together for 20 years without tying the knot of matrimony. After they wed, the bride’s best friend asked her, “What made you finally decide to get married?”

The bride replied, “I got tired of giving him blowjobs.”

Boris got fired from his job because he kept asking customers whether they preferred smoking or nonsmoking. Apparently the correct terms are cremation and burial.

A lesbian went to a gynecologist for a downstairs checkup. He looked inside and exclaimed, “Ma’am, your vagina is one of the cleanest I’ve ever seen during all my years as a gynecologist.”

“And it should be!” the lesbian asserted. “I have a woman come in three times a week.”

Fiona and Mark were a married couple who lived on the 40th floor of a condo. One afternoon Fiona was having sex with her lover, a hunk named Jason, when she heard her hubby arriving home early. Fiona told Ja son to stand still and not move a muscle.

“What’s this?” Mark asked after noticing the naked dude in their bedroom.

“It’s the robot I bought to have sex with when you aren’t here,” Fiona fibbed.

“Well, since you’re already naked,” Mark bellowed, “let’s have sex right now!”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Fiona murmured. “My period just started. Let me get you a glass of wine.”

After his wife left, Mark thought, I’m so horny, I’m gonna fuck that robot. As he stepped behind him, Jason announced in a robotic monotone, “System error. Wrong hole. Please step away.”

“Damn robot!” Mark shouted. “You’re a worthless piece of shit! I’m gonna throw you out the window!”

Remembering he was on the 40th floor, Jason stuck with the robotic act: “Software updated. Please try again.”

Question: Why do redneck couples prefer doggy-style?

Answer: They both can watch wrestling while having sex.

When asked by his father if he knew about the birds and the bees, the young boy exploded: “Look, Pop, I found out there was no Santa Claus at six, no Easter Bunny at seven and no Tooth Fairy at eight. If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t fuck, I’ve had it!”

Cole and Mimi were invited to a masquerade party. But at the last minute Mimi had a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone. Off he went, and she took some aspirin and dozed for an hour.

Awakening free of pain, Mimi decided to go to the party. Cole didn’t know what she’d be wearing, giving her an opportunity to see what he did when she wasn’t with him. Mimi spotted hubby cavorting around the dance floor with several attractive women, copping a little feel here and there.

Mimi sidled up to him and, being a seductive babe, let her dance partner go as far as he wanted with his hands. Then he whispered a proposition in her ear, and they dashed off to an empty room and had a quickie.

Just before midnight, when the revelers had to unmask, Mimi slipped away, drove home and put her costume away. She was reading when Cole ambled into the bedroom. “How was the party?” Mimi asked.

“Same old, same old,” Cole muttered. “I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

“Did you dance with anyone?”

“I didn’t dance at all,” her husband replied. “After I arrived, I ran into Pete and Bill, and we ended up playing poker all night. But you’re not gonna believe what happened to the guy I lent my mask and costume to.”

As the groom got into bed next to his young bride, he whispered, “Will I be the first to do this to you?”

She giggled, then said, “What a silly question. I don’t even know what position we’re going to fuck in yet.”

During a round of golf a Swedish woman bent over to place her ball on a tee. Suddenly a gust of wind lifted her skirt, revealing her lack of underwear.

“Good God, Inga!” her husband hollered. “Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?!”

“You don’t give me enough money to af­ford any,” Inga replied.

Her mate reached into his pocket and said, “For the sake of decency, take this money and buy yourself some undies.”

Next up was Colleen, an Irish lass. When she bent over to put her ball on a tee, the wind made her skirt fly up too. “Blessed Vir­gin Mary!” her husband roared. “Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?”

“I can’t afford any with the money you give me,” Colleen snarled.

Her husband reached into his pocket, forked over 20 euros and said, “For the sake of decency, go buy yourself some knickers.”

Finally a Scotsman’s wife bent over to get her ball on a tee, and-you guessed it-a gust of wind blew the lady’s skirt clear over her head, exposing her overgrown bush. “Sweet mother of Jaysus, Aggie!” her hubby howled. “Where ta hell are your drawers?!”

“You never give me enough money to af­ford them,” Aggie responded.

Hearing that, the Scotsman reached into his pocket and growled, “Well, for the sake of decency, here’s a bloody comb. Tidy yer­self up a bit.”

Question: When is it okay to kick a midget in the nuts?

Answer: When he’s standing in front of your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.

Frank and Trisha had two gorgeous daughters, but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time. Lo and behold, Trisha got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father couldn’t wait to see his new son in the nursery. But when the nurse held him up, Frank was horrified. The baby was the ugliest child he’d ever seen.

Frank said to his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. He doesn’t look anything like our two beautiful daughters. Have you been fooling around behind my back?”

Trisha smiled sweetly and cooed, “No, not this time.”

A text message to a neighbor: “Hi, Max. This is Richard. I live in the gray house next door. I thought you should know that I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. I haven’t been getting it at home for months. I know that’s no excuse, but the temptation was too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll ac­cept my sincere apology. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I’ll pay you.”

Feeling betrayed, Max grabbed a gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured him­self a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discov­ered an unread text message:

“Hi, Max. Richard again. Sorry about the typo in my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the damn auto­correct had changed ‘wi-fi’ to ‘wife.’ Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.”

A woman in her 70s said to her even older husband, “My nipples are as hot today as they were on our wedding night.”

“They ougtha be,” her hubby muttered. “One is in your coffee, and the other’s in your oatmeal.”

Kate and Victor were lying in bed after having sex. Kate looked at her husband and thought, What a twit! He’s clueless that I’ve been fucking his best friend.

As Victor gazed at his wife, he asked himself, Why does Kate’s pussy taste like Steve’s dick?

After a movie date, Joey took his girlfriend Sylvia home around… midnight and was feeling horny. Brimming with confidence, he leaned his arm against the door frame and asked, “Will you give me a blowjob?”

Sylvia was horrified. “Are you crazy?!” she yelped. “My parents will see us!”

“Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” Joey responded. “Everyone’s sleeping.”

“It’s too risky,” Sylvia insisted.

“I love you, darling,” Joey said. “Please suck my dick. It’s ready to burst.”

“I love you too,” his girlfriend echoed, “but I can’t do it. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

Suddenly the porch light came on, and Sylvia’s sister opened the door. Wearing pajamas and her hair a mess, she told Syl -via in a sleepy voice, “Dad said to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it himself. But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the fucking intercom.”

Jed got married before ever being intimate with his virgin fiancée or any woman. On the hillbilly’s wedding night he called his father for some advice. “Loretta and I are in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?”

Thinking that nature would take its course, Jed’s dad barked, “Take off all her clothes and get in bed!”

Five minutes later Jed called back and reported, “Loretta’s nekkid, and we’re in bed. What do we do now?”
Knowing that his son wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, Jed’s father asked, “Did you take off all your clothes too?”

“No, Pa.”

“Well, take off your clothes and get back in bed with Loretta.”

A few minutes later Jed called back and said, “We’re both nekkid and in bed. What do we do now, Pa?”
The father’s patience was quickly running out. He growled, “Stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees.”

Several minutes passed before Jed called again. “Okay, Pa, I’ve got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?”

The first-grade teacher, Ms. Brown, asked her class to share something exciting that had happened at home over the weekend. Little Johnny immediately raised his hand, making the teacher nervous. The tyke could be a tad crude at times. But he was the only kid with his hand up, so Ms. Brown felt she had no choice.

She invited Johnny to share his exciting news. He walked up to the chalk-board and drew a small dot.

Ms. Brown asked, “What’s that?” “A period,” Johnny replied.

“Yes, I can see that,” the teacher murmured, “but what’s so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know,” Johnny muttered. “But on Sunday after church my sister said she missed one, which caused my dad to have a heart attack, my mom to faint and the minister to go into his office and shoot himself.”

A Catholic man confessed to his priest, “I missed a short putt while golfing yesterday and said a four-letter word.”

“How short?” the priest inquired.

“An inch and a half.”

“Holy shit!” the priest cried out. “How the fuck could you miss that putt?!”

The boss had to lay somebody off, and he narrowed the list down to Mary or Jack. It was a hard decision because both were excellent employees. Rather than flip a coin, the boss decided he would fire the first one who used the water fountain the next day,

Mary came to work the next morning with a horrendous hangover. She immediately went to the water fountain to take some aspirin. The boss approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off?” Mary murmured. “I feel like shit this morning.”

Tina ran out to the yard, where her father was about to start cutting the grass. “Daddy, what’s sex?” the little girl asked.

Her startled father sat Tina down and told her about the birds and the bees. Then he thought, What the hell? He mentioned intercourse, conception, sperm and eggs. Covering a wide range of topics, he went on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet dreams. By the time her father was finished, little Tina was awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Finally her dad asked, “Why did you want to know about sex today?”

Tina replied, “Oh, I almost forgot. Mommy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in a couple of secs.”

Question: What do you call a gay guy from the Deep South?

Answer: A homo-sex-y’all.

Kristin’s husband Daniel always insisted on making love in the dark. After obliging him for 20 years, Kristin finally turned on a bedroom light one night and found Daniel holding a huge dildo. “You impotent, limp-dicked bastard!” she screamed. “How could you deceive me all these years?!”

Daniel looked his wife straight in the eye and calmly said, “I’ll explain the dildo; you explain the kids.”

Sam announced to his wife, “Amy, I’ve got a problem.”

“No, dear, we have a problem,” Amy responded. “We are married, we are a unit, and your problem is my problem. We are in this together.”

Overwhelmed, not to mention very relieved, Sam muttered, “It’s hardly worth mentioning now.”

But Amy was insistent. “What’s the problem?” she demanded.

Sam then admitted, “We got your sister pregnant.”

A freight train hit a bus carrying Catholic schoolgirls, and they all perished.

After ascending to heaven, the girls lined up and were greeted by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Pointing to one girl, he asked, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

Jessica giggled, then shyly answered, “I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
Saint Peter said, “Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates.”
He next asked another arrival, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

The girl was a tad reluctant but finally confessed, “One time I fondled and stroked a penis.”

Saint Peter remarked, “Okay, dip your entire hand in the holy water and pass through the gates.”

All of a sudden there was some com-motion in the line, and a girl pushed her way to the front. “Lisa!” Saint Peter bel-lowed. “Why are you in such a hurry?”

“If I’m gonna have to gargle that holy water,” Lisa explained, “I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it.”

One Sunday morning an old woman named Agnes got to her church service late because she couldn’t find her hearing aid. Not wanting to be noticed, Agnes sat in the back pew.

As the pastor continued his sermon, he said, “I want everyone who has committed the sin of adultery to stand up.”

“What did the pastor just say?” Agnes asked the teenager sitting beside her.

“He said if anyone wants a mint, stand up,” the lad replied.

Without a care in the world, Agnes stood up—no one else had—and approached the altar. Outraged, the pastor demanded to know why she was standing.

“I may be old and toothless,” Agnes admitted, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sucking one from time to time.”