Bits & Pieces

Articles with unfiltered opinions

Cartoons

Illustrated monthly funnies

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Parodies

Unapologetic political sattire

close slideout
Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
Magazine new arrow

December 2021

Featuring Marykate Moss
Join HUSTLER Magazine trial promo image

Intro Offer:
3 days for only $1.35!

Humor

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

A grandmother telephoned the hospital and asked, “May I speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

“I’ll be glad to help,” the switchboard operator

chirped. “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Norma Lindsay, Room 659,” the granny provided.

The operator said, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurses’ station on that floor.” A few minutes later she was back on the line. “I have good news, ma’am. Nor ma’s nurse said she’s doing well. Her vital signs are good, her bloodwork came back normal, and her doctor said she should be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother gasped, “What a relief! I was worried about her. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” the operator said. “By the way, is Norma your daughter?”

“No, she’s not! I’m  Norma Lindsay in Room 659. Nobody tells me shit up here!”

Emma  walked into a tattoo parlor and asked the artist, “Do you do custom work?”

“Of course,” the brawny dude replied.

“Great!” Emma exclaimed. “I’d like a portrait of Brad Pitt inside my right thigh and a portrait of Matt Damon inside my left thigh.”

“No problem,” the tattooist said. “Strip from the waist down and get on the table.”

After hours of hard work, Emma sat up and looked at the tattoos straddling her hairy pussy. “They don’t look like Brad Pitt and Matt Damon,” she complained.

“Oh, yes, they do,” the tattooist insisted, and I can prove it. Let’s get an impartial observer to check.” With that he ran out the door and grabbed the first person who passed by—the town drunk, as it turned out.

When they returned, Emma spread her legs for the tipsy stranger and asked, “Do you know who these men are?”

The boozer examined the tattoos for several minutes, then muttered, “I’m not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fella in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson.”

Question:  What’s the difference between love and herpes?

Answer: Love doesn’t last forever.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a young boy opened it, the farmer asked, “Tim, is your father home?”

“No, sir.” Tim replied. “He went to town.”

“Well, then, is your mother around?” the farmer inquired.

“No, sir,” Tim answered. “She’s with Dad.”

“How about your brother “No, sir,” Tim responded. “I don’t know where he is.”

The flustered farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there something I can do for you?” Tim suggested. “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Good idea,” the farmer remarked. “Tell him it’s about Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”

“Oh, you’ll have to talk to my dad about that ,” Tim said. “I know he charges $500 for the bull and $200 for the hog, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard!”

A woman sued the hospital where her husband underwent surgery that left him unable to have sex with her anymore. After the woman lost the case, she addressed reporters outside the courthouse.

“My husband and I always had great sex,” she recalled, “until he went into that incompetent hospital and had his operation. Now he’s not interested in me, and it’s entirely the fault of the hospital.”

The surgeon who’d performed the operation— and testified at the trial—offered his own two cents to the press: “All we did was remove the patient’s cataracts.”

A  child spit out his food, and his mother yelled, “Hey, we don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth, you swallow!”
The father stared at his wife with raised eyebrows.
She stared back with fire in her eyes and whispered, “Shut the fuck up!”

Before going on a long business trip, Frank decided to buy his wife Katie something to keep her occupied in his absence. He went to a sex shop and explained the situation. The salesman said, “It’s pricey, but I think she’ll like the Magic Penis.”

“What’s that?” Frank wondered.

The salesman showed him the toy, and Frank laughed. “It looks like a plain old dildo.”
Pointing to the shop’s front door, the salesman commanded, “Magic Penis…door!” The fake dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. When a crack began to appear in the center of the door, the salesman said, “Magic Penis…return to box!” It stopped pounding and flew into the box. Frank bought it and took it home to his wife.

After her husband had been away for a few days, Katie remembered his gift. She undressed, opened the box and said, “Magic Penis…my vagina!” The fake dick shot into her pussy and started furiously pounding away. Three mind shattering orgasms later, Katie was exhausted and figured she’d had enough. She tried to pull out the Magic Penis, but it wouldn’t budge.
Since her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off, Katie put some clothes on, got in her car and rushed to the nearest hospital. On the way another intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police car was right behind her, and Katie was ordered to pull over.

The cop requested her license and asked if she’d been drinking. Gasping and twitching, Katie pleaded, “I haven’t had anything to drink, Officer. You see, I’ve got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch, and it won’t stop screwing me.”

The cop glared at Katie for a moment, shook his head and muttered, “Yeah, right, Magic Penis…my ass!”

An elderly man went into the confessional and told the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married and have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking those Viagra pills, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 18-year-old twins.”

Cringing, the cleric asked, “When was the last time you had confession?”

“Never!” the coot crowed. “I’m Jewish!” “Then why are you telling me?” the priest wanted to know.

“Hell,” the octogenarian replied. “I’m fucking telling everyone!”

Question:  What do a wedding anniversary, a toilet and a clitoris have in common?

Answer: Men always miss them.

A Texas professor teaching a course

on the paranormal introduced himself

to his new students. He began by saying,

“I’m curious. How many of you believe in

ghosts?” About 60 hands shot up.

“How many of you have seen a ghost?”

was his next question, and about 15 hands

went up.

“How many of you have spoken to a

ghost?” the professor queried, and three

students raised their hand.

“So then,” the prof continued, “how

many of you have had sex with a ghost?”

Most of the students snickered, but one

farmboy in the back of the lecture hall

raised his hand. The professor asked the

lad to come forward.

With the gangly student at his side, he

announced, “I’ve been doing this for 25

years, and you’re the first person who’s

claimed to have had sex with a ghost.”

“I’m sorry, Professor,” the farmboy said.

“I thought you said goat.”

Two hillbillies, brothers Rex and Billy

Joe, walked into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talked

about their moonshine operation. Suddenly

a woman, who was eating a sandwich

at a nearby table, began to cough.

After a minute or two it became apparent

that she was in real distress.

Rex looked at her and asked, “Kin ya

swallow?”

The woman shook her head to indicate

no.

Then the hillbilly yelled, “Kin ya

breathe?”

The woman’s face was beginning to

turn blue, but again she shook her head.

Rex walked over to the choking gal,

pulled her to her feet, lifted up her dress,

yanked down her panties and gave her

right butt cheek a quick lick with his

tongue. The woman was so shocked that

she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction

flew out of her mouth.

As she began to breathe normally

again, Rex strode back to his table and

sat down. Billy Joe was impressed. “Ya

know,” he said, “I’d heard of that there

hind-lick maneuver, but I ain’t never seen

nobody do it.”

Jane and Arlene were outside their

nursing home, having a drink

and a smoke, when it started to rain. Jane

pulled out a condom, cut off the tip, put

it over her cigarette and continued right

on smoking.

Arlene raised an eyebrow and cackled,

“What in the hell is that?”

“It’s called a condom,” Jane explained.

“It keeps my cigarette from getting wet.”

 “And where did you get that condom?”

Arlene asked.

“You can buy them at any pharmacy,”

Jane responded.

The next day Arlene hobbled into the

local pharmacy and announced that she

wanted a box of condoms.

Obviously embarrassed, the pharmacist

looked at the biddy kind of strangely,

seeing as how she was well over 80.

Very delicately he asked Arlene what

size, texture and brand of condom she

preferred.

“Doesn’t matter, young man,” Arlene

muttered. “Just so long as it fits on a Camel.”

One day a boy asked his father,

“What’s the difference between

confident and confidential?”

His dad replied, “Well, you’re my son.

I’m confident about that. Your best friend

Jimmy is also my son. That’s confidential.

Iris dashed into a drugstore and told the pharmacist that she wanted some arsenic.

“What for?” he asked.

“I want to kill my husband,” Iris replied.

“Sorry, I can’t do that,” the pharmacist informed her.

Iris quickly reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. She handed it to the pharmacist.

“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription,” he said.

Mel was in a bar when he saw a guy holding a gigantic cigarette lighter. He went up to him and asked, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The patron replied, “See that fella playing the piano? He’s a genie, and he’ll grant you one wish.”

Mel ambled over to the piano player and requested, “I want a million bucks!”

All of a sudden the bar was filled to overflowing with a million ducks. Confused and disappointed, Mel staggered back to the dude with the huge lighter and muttered, “That genie is a little hard of hearing, isn’t he?”

“No kidding!” the other barfly bellowed. “Ya think I wanted a 14-inch Bic?!”

HUSTLER Wisdom: If you talk to God, they say you’re religious. If God talks to you, they call you insane.

During a checkup, Cliff bragged to his doctor and a nurse that despite being 80 years old, he could still have sex three times a night. After the doctor left, the nurse said, “I hope I’m not being too forward, but I’d love to have sex with you, sir. Let’s go back to my place.”

The geezer liked that idea. Upon arriving at her home, the nurse led Cliff to her bed, and they had an hour of hot, passionate sex. Afterward Cliff said, “If you think that was good, let me sleep for an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I’m sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my cock in your right hand.”

The nurse was perplexed, but she murmured, “Okay.”

Cliff dozed for an hour and woke up. He and the nurse then had better sex than before. “That was great!” Cliff roared. “But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have even better sex than that. All you have to do is—”

“I know, sir,” the nurse interjected. “You want me to hold your cock and balls again.”

As Cliff promised, the next round of sex was mind-blowing. Once it was over, the exhausted nurse asked, “Does holding your cock and balls stimulate you that much?”

Cliff replied, “No, not at all. But the last time I had sex with a nurse, she stole my wallet while I was sleeping.”

A young female golfer’s tee shot sliced badly and hit a man about to take his own shot from an adjoining hole. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground and rolled around in agony.

Being a doctor, the woman rushed over to the guy and offered to relieve his pain. Reluctantly he agreed. The gal took his hands away from his crotch, unzipped his pants and stuffed her right hand inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes, then asked, “How does that feel?”

The man looked up and replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken.”

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation was lying on a gurney in a hospital hallway. A man in a white coat approached her, lifted up her sheet and visually examined her naked body. He walked away and conferred with another guy in a white coat. The second man approached the patient and performed the same examination.

When a third man in white approached her, the impatient beauty remarked, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man shrugged and said, “Your guess is as good as mine. We’re just here to paint the halls.” 

Jeff watched in horror as his wife, Ally, sliced her tee shot through a window of a mansion adjacent to the golf course. “I warned you to be careful,” Jeff sneered. “Now we’ll have to go over there, apologize to the owner and find out how much that lousy drive is gonna cost us.”

The couple, rolling their golf bags, trudged up to the mansion and knocked on the front door. A sonorous voice said, “Come on in!”

When Jeff and Ally stepped inside, they saw chunks of glass scattered all over the floor and a broken antique bottle lying on its side. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the idiots who broke my window?”

“Uh, yes, we are,” Jeff admitted. “My wife and I are sorry about that.”

“No apology is necessary,” the other man declared. “I want to thank you. My name is Raj. I’m a ge nie, and I had been trapped in that bottle you broke for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give each of you a wish, but if you don’t mind, I’m going to keep the last one for myself.”

“We don’t mind!” Jeff exclaimed. “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!”

“No problem,” Raj assured him, “and I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life.

“So, young lady, what do you want?” Raj asked Ally.

She replied, “I’d like to own mansions in a dozen countries, complete with servants.”

“Consider it done,” Raj told her.

Jeff then asked, “What’s your wish?”

Raj’s eyes lit up. “Since I haven’t been with a woman for a thousand years, I’d like to have sex with your wife.”

Jeff looked at Ally and said, “Whaddaya think, honey? We’ll both have a fortune and all those houses.”

Ally responded, “Considering all that he’s given us, it’s the least I can do, dear.”

Ally and Raj went off to the bedroom. After hours of nonstop sex, he rolled over and asked Ally, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she gasped.

“No kidding,” her lover muttered. “Thirty-five, and you both still believe in genies.” 

Soon after the airliner had reached its cruising altitude, the pilot announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Thank you for flying with us today. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and pleasant flight,” So sit back, relax and…. Omigod!”

There was complete silence for a few minutes. Then the pilot got back on the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

From the back of the plane a passenger yelled, “You should see the back of my pants!”

Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your Harley?

Answer: You might let your friends ride your wife. 

When Joe died, he went to hell and was immediately taken to a room filled with beautiful, voluptuous blondes and huge kegs of beer. Looking around, Joe saw a demon nearby and cried out, “You call this place hell?! This is my idea of heaven!”

“Not so fast, buddy,” the demon hissed. “The kegs all have holes in them, and the blondes don’t.” 

Mike and his fiancée, Karen, would soon be getting married, so his father sat him down for a little chat. “Son, let me tell you something,” Mike’s dad began. “On my wedding night in the honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here, try these on.’ Your mother did and said, ‘These are too big. I can’t wear them.’

“I cried out, ‘Exactly! I wear the pants in this family and always will.’ Ever since our wedding night your mother and I have never had any problems.”

Mike looked at his father and said, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

A few weeks later Mike and Karen were on their honeymoon and getting ready for bed. Mike took off his pants, handed them to Karen and ordered, “Try these on.”

While trying to put on her husband’s pants, Karen complained, “These are too large. They don’t fit me.”

“Exactly!” Mike bellowed. “I wear the pants in this family and always will. Don’t you ever forget that!”

Karen found a pair of her own pants and told Mike, “Here, try a pair of mine on.”

“I can’t get into your pants,” Mike said.

“Exactly!” Karen shot back. “And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.”

Fred was confused when his doctor prescribed LSD for his constipation. But a few hours later Fred saw a fire-breathing dragon and shit his pants.

Question: Who’s going to miss Donald Trump the most after he leaves the White House?

Answer: Late-night comedians. 

Ralph returned from the doctor and gave his wife the bad news: “I only have 24 hours to live. Can we make love right now?” She agreed, and they rushed to the bedroom.

About six hours later Ralph and the missus were watching TV. “Honey, now I only have 18 hours to live,” Ralph reminded her. “Could we please do it one more time?” The wife was okay with that, and they had sex again.

Still later, as his wife was dozing beside him, Ralph looked at the alarm clock and realized he had only eight hours left. He nudged his wife’s shoulder. When she woke up, Ralph begged, “Honey, please, just one more time before I die.”

“Of course, dear,” she groaned, and the couple fucked a third time.

After this session Ralph’s spouse rolled over and fell fast asleep. Worried about his impending death, Ralph tossed and turned until he was running out of time. He tapped his bedmate and managed to rouse her. “Sweetheart, I only have four more hours,” Ralph whined. “Do you think we could make love again?”

“Listen, Ralph,” his wife snapped, “I have to get up in the morning! You don’t!”

You know you’re getting old when your wife invites you to run upstairs for hot sex, and you tell her she’ll have to choose because you can’t do both. 

Question: What is the minimum sentence for bigamy?

Answer: Two mothers-in-law. 

Question: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Answer: How do you breathe through that thing?