Bits & Pieces

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Humor

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

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A macho man married a gorgeous younger woman and quickly laid down the law: “I’ll come home whenever I want to, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I’ll expect a scrumptious dinner every night, unless I tell you that I won’t be coming home. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing with my buddies whenever I feel like it, and don’t give me a hard time about that. These are the rules. Are you okay with them, dear?”

“They’re all fine with me,” his wife affirmed. “Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re home or not!”

Question: What are those tiny bumps around a woman’s nipples?

Answer: It’s Braille for suck here.

Question: Why do most men have a foot fetish?

Answer: Because they lost their virginity to a sock.

A Russian soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment later two military police officers ran up, and one gasped, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

Pointing to her left, the nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the officers dashed off, the sol­dier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough. You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.”

“I understand completely,” the nun remarked.

“I hope I’m not being rude,” the soldier added, “but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun confessed, “If you’d looked a bit higher, you would’ve seen a great pair of balls. I don’t wanna go to Ukraine either.”

A kindergarten teacher gave her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they admired. “What a great picture,” she told one little boy. “Who is it?”

“That’s my dad,” he said proudly.

“Tell me about your father,” the teach­er requested. “What’s he like?”

The kid shrugged, then replied, “Beer and pussy.”

Jon and Bret were on trial for drug possession. The judge declared, “I’d like to give you both a second chance. I want you to help others quit. Come back on Monday, and I’ll pass judgment then.”

On Monday the judge asked Jon, “How did you do?”

“Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs,” he proudly announced.

“That’s wonderful!” the judge ex­claimed. “How’d you do that?”

“I used a diagram with two circles,” Jon explained. “I said the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little one was their brain after.”

“Very admirable,” the judge said. “Not guilty.” Then he turned to Bret and asked, “How did you do?”

“Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs.”

“Amazing!” the judge bellowed. “Tell me how!”

“I also drew a diagram with two cir­cles,” Bret replied. “All I did was point to the smaller circle and say, ‘This is your asshole before you go to prison.’”

An 80-­year­-old man snarled, “Arth­ritis is the cruelest disease.”

“Even crueler than cancer?” his bud­dy queried.

“You bet,” the geezer muttered. “It makes all of your joints stiff except the right one.”

An exhibitionist was waiting in line to board an airplane. When the guy got to the female agent examining tickets, he opened his coat and exposed himself.

“I’m sorry, sir,” the agent murmured. “You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.”

Question: How is nonalcoholic beer like a vibrator without batteries?

Answer: It fills you up nicely, but without the buzz.

After his wife was seriously injured in an automobile accident, Clay donated blood to help keep Emma alive. She recovered, but a few years later the couple were close to a divorce.

During one of their frequent shouting matches, Clay demanded, “I want my fucking blood back!”

Fuming, Emma threw a tampon at him and shrieked, “I’ll pay you monthly!”

One evening Mrs. Smith cooked deer steaks and served them to her husband and their two children. While they were eating, Mr. Smith thought it would be fun to have the kids guess what type of meat was on their plates.

“Is it beef,” little Katie asked, “or pork?”

“Nope,” Mr. Smith replied. “It’s neither.”

Willy whined, “Heck, Dad, we don’t know what it is.”

“I’ll give you a clue,” Mr. Smith said, smiling lovingly at his wife. “It’s something Mommy sometimes calls me.”

“Spit it out, Willy!” Katie screamed. “It’s asshole!”

Gail got naked and asked her husband, “What turns you on more, Joe—my pretty face or my sexy body?”

After looking up and down at his 59-year-old wife, Joe muttered, “Your sense of humor.”

A drunkard was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs of the Catholic church and into the nave, where he stumbled from pew to pew. He eventually found a confessional booth and stepped inside.

Meanwhile a priest had been observing the tipsy fellow’s travails. Figuring the man was in need of assistance, the priest entered his side of the confessional. His concern was rewarded by a lengthy silence. Finally he piped, “May I help you, my son?”

“You sure can,” the drunkard mumbled from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper over there?”

Question: What does the weather and a pussy have in common?

Answer: When it’s wet, you should go inside.

Tom was looking out his window one night as an elderly couple staggered up to the wire fence behind his apartment building. Much to his surprise, the old lady lifted her skirt, and the old man dropped his trousers. As he moved in, his partner leaned against the fence.

Suddenly the two seniors were having the most furious sex Tom had ever seen. Twenty minutes later they were still going at it. Tom, a recent retiree, wanted to find out if the lovebirds could tell him something about sex and aging.

By the time he met up with the randy old-timers, they were lying on the grass and gasping for breath. “Excuse me,” Tom said, “but you two were amazing. How could you keep going for so long at your age?”

The old man replied, “Last year we discovered this here electric fence.”

Julie was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother during her first visit home since starting college.

“Mom, I have to tell you,” she nervously announced, “I lost my virginity last weekend.”

“I’m not surprised,” her mother admitted. “It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience.”

“Well, yes and no,” Julie explained. “The first eight guys felt fantastic, but after them my pussy got really sore.”

Question: What do a mother’s breasts and a train set have in common?

Answer: Both are intended for kids, but it’s the father who always ends up playing with them.

Nick said to his best friend Alex, “Close your curtains the next time you’re boning your wife. All the neighbors were laughing their asses off at you last night.”

“The joke is on those nosy bastards,” Alex responded. “Shit, I wasn’t even at home last night.”

A priest and a rabbi were sitting together on an intercity bus. After discussing current events, sports and the weather, the conversation turned to religion.

“I can’t believe you don’t eat pork,” the priest remarked. “Have you ever tasted it, even just once?”

“Well, I admit that I once did try a small piece of bacon,” the rabbi recalled.

“And what did you think?” the priest prodded.

The rabbi replied, “Not nearly as good as pussy.”

A civil engineer died and went to hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he start designing and constructing things to improve the place.

One day God called Satan and asked, “How’s it going down there?”

“We’re doing great,” Satan replied. “We’ve now got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. There’s no telling what our amazing civil engineer is going to come up with next.”

God was horrified. “What?!” he bellowed. “You’ve got a civil engineer? That’s a big mistake. He should never have been sent down there! You know that all civil engineers go to heaven. Send him up here immediately!”

“No way,” Satan insisted. “I like having him on the staff. I’m keeping the guy.”

“Send him back up here or I’ll sue,” God demanded.

“Yeah, right,” Satan snorted. “So where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Poking her head from the bathroom of the hotel’s honeymoon suite, a young bride cooed, “Honey, would you like me to wear my new black teddy?”

Sighing, her impatient husband grunted, “I would like nothing better.”

Question: What do a hurricane, tornado, fire and divorce have in common?

Answer: They are four ways you can lose your house.

Liza told her roommate Shelley, “My gynecologist recognized me at the supermarket this morning.”

“You’re gonna have to start wearing longer skirts,” Shelly advised.

Little Johnny was late getting to school one day. “I’m sorry, Miss Evans,” he told the teacher. “I had to make my own breakfast this morning.”

Miss Evans accepted his excuse, but decided to punish the tyke anyway. She ordered Johnny to stand in front of the classroom and answer some geography questions. “Tell us where the Canadian border is,” Miss Evans asked him.

“In bed with my mommy!” Johnny shrieked. “That’s why I had to make my own fuckin’ breakfast this morning!”

Did you hear about the night janitor who, thinking it was empty, walked into an executive’s office late one night? He scared the boss out of his secretary.

A young man walked into a pharmacy, grabbed some condoms and paid the clerk. Then he walked out the door, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thought this was weird, but figured that there wasn’t a law prohibiting wackos from having safe sex.

The next day the customer returned to the pharmacy and again bought condoms and walked away laughing. This really piqued the pharmacist’s interest. What’s so damn funny about buying condoms? he mused.

The pharmacist told the clerk. “If that weirdo ever comes back, I want you to follow him and see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the following day the guy came back, bought condoms and cracked up as he headed for the door. “Okay, go follow him,” the pharmacist instructed.

An hour later his employee came back. “Where did that weirdo go?” the pharmacist asked.

“Your house,” the clerk replied.

Walt bumped into his ex-girlfriend Janice, from whom he’d recently parted on bad terms. “I was having sex with another woman last night,” Walt announced, “but I was also thinking of you.”

“Because you miss me?” Janice excitedly asked.

“Nope,” Walt replied. “It stops me from coming too soon.”

Bubba got fired from his bingo-caller job. Apparently “a meal for two with a hairy view” is not the way to announce “69.”

A husband and wife were sitting in the office of a marriage counselor. “Let’s begin with something the two of you have in common,” the counselor said.

The husband immediately muttered, “Well, neither of us sucks dick.”

A married couple was sound asleep when the phone rang. The husband rolled over, grabbed the phone and said, “Hello.” He listened to the caller and then growled, “How the hell am I supposed to know? It’s 300 miles from here.” Angrily he slammed down the phone, waking up his wife.

“Who was that?” she asked.

“The asshole didn’t say,” hubby muttered. “He wanted to know if the coast was clear.”