While dining at a ritzy restaurant, Rex noticed a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a nearby table. The dapper businessman summoned a waiter and asked him to send her an expensive bottle of merlot.

As the waiter delivered the wine, he pointed to Rex and said, “This is a gift from one of our regular patrons.”

The beauty looked over, then decided to write a note for the waiter to bring back to Rex: “For me to accept this bottle of wine, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and a seven-inch cock in your pants.”

After reading the note, Rex had the waiter deliver this message: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarossa, BMW 850iL and Mercedes 560SEL in my garage and 20 million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as gorgeous as you would I cut off three inches.”

Fred and Mary got married, but they couldn’t afford a honeymoon. So they spent their wedding night at Fred’s parents’ home. In the morning the groom’s kid brother Johnny was ready to head to school. Before leaving, he asked his mother if Fred and Mary were up yet.

“No,” she replied.

“Wanna know what I think?” Johnny asked.

“I don’t want to know what you think,” his mom replied. “Just go to school.”

When Johnny came home for lunch, he asked her, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

“No,” she told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“No, I don’t!” his mom snapped. “Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

As soon as Johnny came home after school, he again asked about Fred and Mary.

“They’re not up yet,” his mom told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“Okay, Johnny, tell me what you think.”

“Last night Fred came to my room and asked for some Vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane glue!”

Chet was lying on the examination table when the female doctor asked, “How’s your libido?”

“My what?!” Chet exclaimed.

“Libido,” the doc repeated. “Do you feel like having sex?”

“Okay,” Chet replied, “but we’ll have to be quick. My wife is waiting in the car.”

A man went to the police station and asked to speak with the burglar who’d broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” the desk sergeant gruffly informed him.

“No, no, no!” the man hollered. “I need to know how the guy got into my house without waking up my wife! I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Morris told his girlfriend, “I want a quickie.”

“As opposed to what?!” she snapped.

One evening, thinking he was being funny, Joey said to his wife Maria, “We should start washing your clothes in SlimFast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt.”

Maria wasn’t amused, and she wouldn’t let such a nasty comment go unnoticed.

The next morning Joey grabbed a pair of boxers out of his dresser drawer. What the heck is this? he thought as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook the boxers loose before putting them on.

“Maria,” he hollered, “why did you put baby powder in my underwear?!”

Giggling, his wife replied, “It’s not baby powder…it’s Miracle Grow.”

A reporter for a local TV station was interviewing 82-year-old Ethel who’d just married for the fourth time. After delving into her backstory and what it felt like being a bride again at her age, the reporter asked, “What is your new husband’s occupation?”

“He’s a funeral director,” Ethel replied.

Finding that strangely interesting, the reporter went on, “What did your other husbands do for a living?”

Ethel took a few moments to reflect on her previous mates. “I married a banker when I was 19,” she recalled, “a circus ringmaster when I was 42 and a preacher when I was 66.”

Astonished, the reporter then asked, “Why did you marry men with such diverse careers?”

Ethel smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”