“Barkeep, I’ll have what he’s having!”
Bits & Pieces
No Meat, More Heat
The Future of Male Contraception
Senior citizens Jerry and Frida were engaging in oral sex.
“I can’t stay down here much longer,” Jerry muttered. “Your pussy stinks.”
“It’s my arthritis,” Frida said.
“Arthritis in your pussy?!” Jerry bellowed.
“No!” Frida yelled back. “The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can’t wipe my ass.”
Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark. Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.
The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The startled lad rolled it down and said, “Yes, Officer?”
“What are you doing?” the cop asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” the young man replied. “I’m reading today’s newspaper.”
Pointing to the blonde in the backseat, the policeman grunted, “And what’s she doing?”
“I believe she’s knitting a sweater,” the guy behind the wheel responded.
“How old are you?” the cop inquired.
“I’m 22, Officer.”
“And the girl—how old is she?”
The dude in the driver’s seat looked at his watch and said, “She’ll turn 18 in ten minutes.”
A man approached a gorgeous woman in a bar with the line, “Do you want to hear a joke about my johnson? Never mind. It’s too long.”
“Do you want to hear one about my pussy?” the woman retorted. “Never mind. You’ll never get it.”
A woman pregnant with triplets was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot three times in her belly. Saying it was too risky to operate, the doctor chose not to remove the bullets.
Sixteen years later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mother. “What’s wrong?” the mom asked.
“I was peeing, and a bullet came out,” the girl explained. So her mother told her what had happened 16 years earlier.
The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet, and the mom repeated the story about the bank robbery.
Later that evening the boy triplet went crying to his mother. “Let me guess,” she remarked. “You were peeing, and a bullet came out.”
“I wasn’t peeing,” the boy admitted. “I was jacking off, and I shot the dog!”
A young couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the boy, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the tyke sat down for breakfast, there was a huge stack of pancakes on the kitchen table. “Gee, Mommy, are these all for me?” the boy asked.
“Just take two,” his mother instructed. “The rest are for your father.”
Question: Do you know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
Answer: Women know that if a man will eat oysters, he’ll eat anything.
A very old woman named Agnes was walking through the park one afternoon when she heard a voice croak, “Pick me up. Pick me up.” She looked around and saw a frog squatting near her feet.
“Why should I pick you up?” Agnes asked. “You’re a frog.”
“That’s true,” the frog admitted, “but if you pick me up and kiss me, I’ll turn into a young, handsome prince who’s always ready for sex.”
Agnes gave it some thought, then picked up the frog and stuffed it in her purse. “Aren’t you going to kiss me so I can turn into a young, handsome prince and make passionate love to you?” the frog asked.
“Nope!” Agnes snorted. “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Question: What do you call a teenage boy who says he doesn’t masturbate?
Answer: A liar.