“Look, mister. If you don’t come up with some cash, this will be your last supper in this establishment!”
“…And do you, Chuck, bet half of everything you own that you will love this bitch forever?!”
“Okay, son, we’ve taught you everything we can. Now go… join the Republican Party!”
Bits & Pieces
Two hicks were looking through a mail-order catalog. “Look at these beautiful women!” Jed marveled. “The prices are reasonable too!”
Nick agreed and hollered, “I’m ordering one of these right now!”
Three weeks later Jed asked, “Has your woman been shipped to you yet?”
“No,” Nick replied, “but it shouldn’t be long now. Her clothes arrived yesterday.”
Here’s all you need to know to make you a believer in Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. Pfizer is the same pharmaceutical company that created Viagra. Logic then dictates that we can rely on the vaccine, because if Pfizer was able to raise the dead, it should certainly be able to protect the living.
A college freshman walked up to his father and announced, “I just lost my virginity.”
“That’s my boy!” the father exclaimed. “Let’s sit down and drink to celebrate!”
“I can’t sit down,” his son admitted. “It kinda hurts.”
Little Wanda asked her mother, “Can I take Lulu for a walk around the block?”
“No,” her mom sternly replied. “The dog’s in heat.”
“What does that mean?” the ten-year-old asked.
“Go ask your father,” her mother suggested.
Wanda found her dad in the garage and whimpered, “Mom said Lulu’s in heat and I should come ask you if I can take her for a walk around the block.”
“Bring Lulu here,” Wanda’s dad ordered.
After his daughter returned with the pooch, he soaked a rag with gasoline and rubbed Lulu’s backside to cover the scent. “Okay, you can go now, but keep her on the leash and only walk around the block one time.”
Wanda and Lulu took off, but a while later the girl came back empty-handed.
“Where’s Lulu?” her father asked.
“She ran out of gas halfway around the block,” Wanda answered. “But don’t worry. Another dog is pushing her home.”
While in rural Ireland, Tiger Woods pulled his BMW into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant, Paddy—who knew nothing about golf—came up to him and said, “Top o’ the morning to you, sir.”
Tiger said a polite hello and told Paddy he wanted to pump his own gas. Just as Tiger bent over to insert the nozzle, two golf tees fell out of his shirt pocket.
“What are those?” Paddy asked.
“They’re called tees,” Tiger explained. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving.”
“Fuck me!” Paddy shouted. “BMW thinks o’ everything!”
Question: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Answer: It isn’t hard.
Stark naked, a man stood in front of a full-length mirror. While admiring himself, he told his wife, “Look at that—180 pounds of pure dynamite.”
She looked at him and growled, “It’s a fucking shame about the two-inch fuse.”
Calvin went to his doctor for a physical. “Everything looks great,” the doctor told the 90-year-old. “But how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
“God and I are right,” Calvin replied. “He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on, and when I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“That’s incredible,” the doctor marveled. Later that day the doctor phoned Calvin’s wife Ethel. “Your husband is doing fine,” he assured her. “I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” Ethel crowed. “He’s pissing in the fridge again!”