A 93-year-old man met a 79-year-old woman at the senior center, and they ended up in bed. Three days later he noticed that his dick was developing a drip, so he decided to have a checkup.

“Have you recently engaged in sex?” the doctor inquired.

“As a matter of fact I have,” the 93-year-old proudly replied.

“Do you know where your partner is right now?” the doctor prodded.

“Yes, I do,” the geezer told him, “but why do you wanna know?”

“Because you’d better get over there,” the doctor advised. “You’re about to come!”

A bartender was getting ready to close for the evening when a man burst in and pulled out a gun. “This is a robbery!” the intruder yelled. “Put all your money in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot me!” the barkeep pleaded. “I’ll do whatever you say.” He stuffed all the money from the cash register into a bag and handed it over.

The crook snatched the loot, then put his gun to the bartender’s head. “Okay, give me a blowjob,” he demanded.

“I’ll do anything!” the barkeep insisted. “Just don’t shoot me!”

He quickly got on his knees and began sucking the holdup man’s pecker. After a few minutes, the guy got so excited from the blowjob that he dropped his weapon.

The bartender picked it up and handed it back to the robber. “Keep holding the damn gun!” he ordered. “One of my customers might walk in!”

Question: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

Answer: Both are excellent meat substitutes.

While  being evaluated at a mental asylum, a new patient asked a psychiatrist, “How do you determine if a person needs to be institutionalized?”

The shrink responded, “First we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket. Then we ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”

“I guess I won’t be here very long,” the new patient smugly remarked. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or cup.”

The psychiatrist just smiled and said, “You’re wrong. A normal person would pull the plug. So do you want a bed near the window?”

A man in his 40s and a younger woman were having a romantic dinner in an upscale restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. While taking an order at another table, the waitress noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, but the man didn’t seem to notice. He was staring straight ahead in a daze.

The waitress watched as the woman slid out of sight beneath the table. Thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, the waitress went over to the lovebirds’ table. “Pardon me, sir,” she said, “but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

The man calmly looked up at her and muttered, “No, she didn’t. My wife just walked in.”

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the procedure be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

After the operation the woman awoke from the anesthesia and found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she summoned the surgeon. “I thought I told you not to tell anyone about my surgery!” she snapped. “Where did these roses come from?!”

The doctor said that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt sad,” he explained, “because you went through all this by yourself. The second rose was from my nurse. She assisted me and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And the third rose?” the woman asked.

“That’s from a patient upstairs in the burn unit,” the surgeon replied. “He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

As  Professor Anderson was wrapping up class, he reminded his students about their final exam. “There will be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,” he sternly warned, “barring a serious medical condition or the death of a family member.”

A smartass male student stood up and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class burst into laughter.

Once the laughter subsided, Professor Anderson glared at the student and bellowed, “That’s not an excuse! You can use your other hand to write.”