“Make that a double. I’m being neutered today.”
“If you want to work at Hobby Haven, you have to abide by my religious beliefs.”
Bits & Pieces
Bridgerton’s Bedroom Boom
Driving in the snow is like eating pussy. If you don’t slow down and pay attention, you could slide into the asshole in front of you.
A big-city doctor was the guest of an isolated Native American tribe comprised solely of men. As they all shared a fine meal, the doctor finally got up the courage to inquire, “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
The tribe’s leader replied, “Just come down to the river tomorrow morning and we’ll show you.”
The next day the doctor showed up and saw the entire tribe gathered around a donkey. “Since you’re our guest,” the leader declared, “you get to go first.”
Not wanting to go against what he thought were tribal customs, the doctor kissed the donkey. Then he stepped behind the animal and began fucking it.
A few minutes later the leader shouted, “Hey, Doc, are you almost done?! We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women!”
Jenn was on her way to a gala event at a hotel when she noticed a Marine drill sergeant standing in the lobby. Having a thing for men in uniform, the flirtatious gal walked up to him and said, “Excuse me, Sergeant. You look so serious. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Marine gruffly replied. “I’m serious by nature.”
“I think you should lighten up,” Jenna advised. “Relax and enjoy yourself.”
Gazing at the stone-faced Marine, Jenna cooed, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but when’s the last time you had sex?”
“No wonder you’re so serious!” Jenna exclaimed. “No sex since 1955?! Well, I think you need to relax and enjoy yourself right now!”
Jenna took the jarhead’s hand and led him to a back room, where she proceeded to “relax” him—several times in fact. After catching her breath, she leaned against the drill sergeant’s bare chest and gasped, “Wow! You sure haven’t forgotten much since 1955!”
Glancing at his watch, the Marine muttered, “I hope not. It’s only 2130 now.”
A married couple were lying in bed together. “Last night I dreamed that I was at Walmart,” the wife remarked.
Her husband then said, “In my dream I was having sex with three women.”
“Was I one of them?” the wife asked.
“No,” her hubby grunted. “you were at Walmart.”
Question: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
Answer: A whore fucks everyone at a party. A bitch fucks everyone…except you.
HUSTLER Wisdom: Only in the Bible could a man stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.
On the couple’s wedding night the groom announced, “Honey, I have to confess, I’ve slept with many prostitutes before I met you.”
The bride fired back, “I knew I’d seen you somewhere before!”
Question: What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
Answer: A sunken chest and no booty.