“God, I hate to sound like an ungrateful asshole, but it is boring as a motherfucker up here!”
“The American public hated your last speech… but Saturday Night Live wants to purchase it for a comedy sketch.”
“So this 600-year-old Noah dude builds this gigantic boat, and he puts a pair of every living creature on it. Then the whole planet gets flooded-but evolution is a ridiculous concept?”
“Don’t ever say I don’t take you anywhere!”
Bits & Pieces
Safe and Sexy
The Blooper Reel
While walking through a park, Toby noticed an eye-catcher sitting on a bench. Stepping up to her, he remarked, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”
“You just want to fuck me,” the gal snorted.
“Wow!” Tony cried. “You’re smart too!”
A state trooper pulled over 87-year-old Agnes for speeding. As he looked at her driver’s license, he noticed that a concealed-weapon permit was attached to it. Taken aback, the trooper couldn’t help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession now, ma’am?”
In a crackly voice, Agnes replied, “I have a .45 automatic in the glove compartment.”
The trooper then asked if Agnes had any other weapons, and she readily admitted, “There’s a Glock 9mm in the center console.”
“Is that all?” the officer asked.
“Well, I do keep a .38 Special in my purse,” Agnes owned up.
Finally the astonished trooper asked, “What are you afraid of, ma’am?”
Smiling, the little old lady clucked, “Not a fucking thing!”
Frannie had been the Smiths’ maid for only a few months. Nevertheless, one morning she went up to Mrs. Smith—a gorgeous blonde in her late 20s—and said, “I’d like a pay raise.”
“Why do you think you deserve a raise?” the lady of the house asked.
“Three reasons,” Frannie replied. “First, I can cook better than you.”
“Who told you that?” Mrs. Smith wanted to know.
“Mr. Smith,” the maid responded. “Second, I clean better than you do.”
“And who told you that?” Mrs. Smith snarled.
“Mr. Smith,” Frannie repeated. “And third, I’m better in bed than you are.”
“I suppose my husband said that too,” Mrs. Smith muttered.
“No, the gardener told me,” Frannie confided.
“Okay,” Mrs. Smith huffed, “how much do you want?”
Jim’s wife was madder than hell. “I can’t believe you’ve been having sex with prostitutes!” she screamed. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” Jim countered. “It’s not like I’ve been getting any from you lately.”
“That’s your damn fault!” his wife snapped. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”
Question: What’s long, hard and has cum in it?
Answer: A cucumber, but we like the way you think.
One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus asking for a little brother. Santa wrote back and told the kid to send his mother.
Question: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
Answer: All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. They discussed the request and decided that whenever his family expanded, his pay would increase as well. After six children this got expensive, and the congregation held a meeting.
A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued as the assembled discussed how much the pastor’s additional offspring were costing the church and could potentially cost in the future. After listening to the congregation for about an hour, the pastor stood up.
“Children are a gift from God,” he said, “and my wife and I will take as many gifts as He gives us.”
Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew a little old lady struggled to stand. Finally, in a frail voice, she cackled, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
The entire congregation chimed, “Amen.”