“Happy anniversary, Carla! Now go fuck yourself!”
Bits & Pieces
Deal or No Deal
Scent of a Woman
A cheating wife had just finished giving her lover the screwing of his life. As she was lighting a cigarette, her cell phone rang. A brief conversation ensued, and then she said, “Okay, dear. Bye.”
“Your husband?” her boyfriend asked.
“Yes,” she answered, giggling. “He said he’ll be home late because he’s playing poker with you and a few of the boys.”
Tom said to his wife, “Let me come in your ear.”
“No way!” she hollered. “I’ll go deaf if you come in my ear!”
“That’s funny,” Tom countered. “I come in your mouth, and you never shut up.”
Mike went to apply for a job, and the interviewer asked him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
“Yes, sir, caffeine,” Mike replied. “I can’t drink coffee.”
“Okay,” the interviewer continued. “Have you ever been in the military?”
“Yes, sir,” Mike answered. “I did one tour in Afghanistan.”
“Great!” the human resources rep exclaimed. “That will give you five extra points toward employment.” Then he inquired, “Are you disabled in any way?”
Mike told him, “Yes, sir, I am. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles.”
The guy from HR grimaced, then announced, “Okay, you’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on reporting for work at that time moving forward.”
Mike was puzzled. “If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don’t you want
me here until 10?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer explained. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”
While lying in bed one evening, a farmer was reading, and his wife was knitting. The farmer looked up from the page of an animal-husbandry magazine and said, “Did you know that humans are the only species whose females achieve orgasm?”
His wife looked at him wistfully, smiled and responded, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”
The farmer frowned for a minute, then exclaimed, “Okay!” He got up, put on his coveralls and left his wife rather confused.
About a half hour later he returned. Tired and sweaty, he declared, “Well, dear, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t have orgasms, but the way that damn pig is always squealing, how the fuck can I tell?”
A man was talking to his son, who was about to graduate from high school. “Do you want to go to college?”
“No,” the boy replied, ‘I want to be a pizza delivery guy or a plumber.”
His dad yelped, “Stop watching porn, son!”
A 93-year-old man met a 79-year-old woman at the senior center, and they ended up in bed. Three days later he noticed that his dick was developing a drip, so he decided to have a checkup.
“Have you recently engaged in sex?” the doctor inquired.
“As a matter of fact I have,” the 93-year-old proudly replied.
“Do you know where your partner is right now?” the doctor prodded.
“Yes, I do,” the geezer told him, “but why do you wanna know?”
“Because you’d better get over there,” the doctor advised. “You’re about to come!”
A bartender was getting ready to close for the evening when a man burst in and pulled out a gun. “This is a robbery!” the intruder yelled. “Put all your money in a bag!”
“Don’t shoot me!” the barkeep pleaded. “I’ll do whatever you say.” He stuffed all the money from the cash register into a bag and handed it over.
The crook snatched the loot, then put his gun to the bartender’s head. “Okay, give me a blowjob,” he demanded.
“I’ll do anything!” the barkeep insisted. “Just don’t shoot me!”
He quickly got on his knees and began sucking the holdup man’s pecker. After a few minutes, the guy got so excited from the blowjob that he dropped his weapon.
The bartender picked it up and handed it back to the robber. “Keep holding the damn gun!” he ordered. “One of my customers might walk in!”
Question: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
Answer: Both are excellent meat substitutes.