A middle-aged man and his perpetually nagging wife went to Israel for a vacation. While in Jerusalem the woman suddenly died. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her body shipped home for $5,000.”

The husband thought things over and said, “You can ship her home.”

The bewildered undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife’s body back home when she could have a beautiful burial here, and it would cost only $150?”

“Long ago,” the husband replied, “a man died here in Jerusalem, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance with my wife.”

Just as a dentist leaned over a female patient to begin working on a tooth, he was startled.

“Excuse me, miss,” he gasped, “but those are my testicles you’re holding.”

“I know,” the gal replied sweetly. “So let’s be careful not to hurt each other, okay?”

For the topic of his Sunday sermon a minister chose creation. “Man came first,” he began.

Suddenly a woman at the back of the church shouted out, “Some things never fuckin’ change!”

A guy walked into a crowded bar. Waving an unholstered pistol, he yelled, “This is a .45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine, plus a slug in the chamber and I wanted to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”

A voice from the back of the bar called out, “You’re gonna need more ammo!”

A man went into a store and asked a salesclerk, “In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?”

The clerk replied, “Are you Polish?”

Clearly offended, the customer said: “Yes, I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked about salami, would you have asked me if I was Italian? Or if I had ordered bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked about kosher hot dogs, would you have asked me if I was Jewish?”

The clerk admitted, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

“Well, then,” the customer snarled, “why did you ask me if I was Polish when I asked about Polish sausage?”

The clerk retorted, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

After a lot of soul-searching a long-time cheater told his buddy, “My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.”

A cheating wife had just finished giving her lover the screwing of his life. As she was lighting a cigarette, her cell phone rang. A brief conversation ensued, and then she said, “Okay, dear. Bye.”

“Your husband?” her boyfriend asked.

“Yes,” she answered, giggling. “He said he’ll be home late because he’s playing poker with you and a few of the boys.”