Late one night Pete and Vance were having beers at a bar when a touchy subject came up. “I don’t know what else to do,” Pete grumbled. “Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the drive-way, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take off my shoes, tiptoe up the stairs and get undressed in the bathroom. But as I ease into bed, my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”

Vance looked at his flustered buddy and said, “You’re taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the stairs, throw my shoes into the closet and jump into bed. Then I slap my wife on the ass and say, ‘Hi, honey. Are you as horny as I am?’ And she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Dave was recovering from a knee operation when his pal Tony dropped by. “How are you doing, dude?” he asked.

“I’m hanging in there,” Dave replied, “but do me a favor. Run up the stairs and get my slippers. My feet are freezing.”

Tony went up and saw Dave’s 19-year-old twin daughters lying on their beds. “Hi, girls,” he said. “Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you.”

“Prove it!” one of the twins exclaimed. Standing in the doorway, Tony shouted, “Hey, Dave! Both of them?!”

“Of course both of them,” Dave fired back. “What good is fucking one?!”

Question: How do you get Jehovah’s WItnesses to quickly scram when they come to your door?

Answer: Ask them if they came by for the orgy.

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife instead of calling her. He accidentally typed the wrong address, and the message was sent to a widow who had just returned home after her husband’s funeral.

Expecting condolences from her relatives and friends, the widow checked her emails. After reading the first queued message, she fainted.

A short while later one of her sons found the woman passed out. Then he noticed the computer monitor, which dis-played this message: “To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me. I’ve just checked in. How are you and the boys? This place is really nice, but I’m very lonely. I have made the necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. I’ll be expecting you, darling. I can’t wait to see you.”

Alan felt sorry for the psychiatrist he saw performing at a county fair. The shrink hypnotized seven men, then dropped his mic and yelled, “Fuck me!” What ensued will haunt Alan and hundreds of fairgoers for the rest of their lives.

While dining at a ritzy restaurant, Rex noticed a gorgeous young woman sitting alone at a nearby table. The dapper businessman summoned a waiter and asked him to send her an expensive bottle of merlot.

As the waiter delivered the wine, he pointed to Rex and said, “This is a gift from one of our regular patrons.”

The beauty looked over, then decided to write a note for the waiter to bring back to Rex: “For me to accept this bottle of wine, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and a seven-inch cock in your pants.”

After reading the note, Rex had the waiter deliver this message: “Just so you know, I have a Ferrari Testarossa, BMW 850iL and Mercedes 560SEL in my garage and 20 million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as gorgeous as you would I cut off three inches.”

Fred and Mary got married, but they couldn’t afford a honeymoon. So they spent their wedding night at Fred’s parents’ home. In the morning the groom’s kid brother Johnny was ready to head to school. Before leaving, he asked his mother if Fred and Mary were up yet.

“No,” she replied.

“Wanna know what I think?” Johnny asked.

“I don’t want to know what you think,” his mom replied. “Just go to school.”

When Johnny came home for lunch, he asked her, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

“No,” she told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“No, I don’t!” his mom snapped. “Eat your lunch and go back to school.”

As soon as Johnny came home after school, he again asked about Fred and Mary.

“They’re not up yet,” his mom told him.

“Wanna know what I think?”

“Okay, Johnny, tell me what you think.”

“Last night Fred came to my room and asked for some Vaseline, and I think I gave him my airplane glue!”