“When will all the haters and fools out there realize that having a relationship with Russia is a good thing?!”
“We named him Candy. We wanted a name that was consistent with our religious beliefs.”
“It’s easy being a politician once you let go of your grip on reality.”
“We here at KLFP are not going to insult your intelligence! We know you can always tune in to Fox News for that!”
Bits & Pieces
Sex Doll Protocol
Girl Meets Porn
Bret went into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist told the young man, “They come in packs of three, nine or 12. How many will you be needing?”
“Well,” Bret replied, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a little while now, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her folks, and then we’re going out. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky before I take her home.”
“I don’t have all day,” the pharmacist fumed.
“Okay, you’d better give me the 12-pack,” Bret said. “Once this girl’s had me, she’ll want it all the time.” He paid for the condoms and took off.
Later that evening Bret sat down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He immediately asked if he might give the blessing, and they agreed. He began reciting a prayer and continued it for several minutes.
His girlfriend leaned over and whispered, “You never told me you were such a religious person.”
Bret whispered back, “You never told me your dad was a pharmacist.”
A priest kept chickens at this village. One evening a cock went missing. At a mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, “Who has a cock?”
All the men stood up.
“I’m sorry,” the priest said. “I meant who has seen a cock?”
All the women stood up.
“No, no, no!” the priest snapped. “Who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”
Half the women stood up.
“Oh, for heaven’s sake!” the exasperated priest cried out. “Who has seen my cock?!”
All the nuns stood up.
Question: So what are blowjobs good for?
Answer: Population control.
An old lady had an appointment with a psychiatrist. She sat down and said, “Doctor, I think I might be a nymphomaniac. Can you help me?”
“Yes, I can,” the shrink assured her. “But it will cost you $150 an hour.”
The biddy frowned, then asked, “How much for the whole night?”
Question: What do nail polish and panties have in common?
Answer: They both come off with alcohol.
A married man asked his best friend, “If I slept with your wife and got her pregnant, would that make the two of us relatives?”
“No,” the friend snorted, “but it would make us even.”
Two geezers, lifelong bachelors Sam and Gerard, were sitting on a park bench. As they were shooting the shit, several sexy female joggers passed by.
They got Sam’s attention. “So how’s your sex life these days?” he asked.
“Nothing special,” Gerard admitted. “I’m having what’s known as Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?” Sam repeated, confused. “What the hell is that?!”
“You know,” Gerard explained. “I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”
Senior citizens Jerry and Frida were engaging in oral sex.
“I can’t stay down here much longer,” Jerry muttered. “Your pussy stinks.”
“It’s my arthritis,” Frida said.
“Arthritis in your pussy?!” Jerry bellowed.
“No!” Frida yelled back. “The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can’t wipe my ass.”