Bits & Pieces

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October 2021

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Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Back to Humor

His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. They discussed the request and decided that whenever his family expanded, his pay would increase as well. After six children this got expensive, and the congregation held a meeting.

A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued as the assembled discussed how much the pastor’s additional offspring were costing the church and could potentially cost in the future. After listening to the congregation for about an hour, the pastor stood up.

“Children are a gift from God,” he said, “and my wife and I will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew a little old lady struggled to stand. Finally, in a frail voice, she cackled, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

The entire congregation chimed, “Amen.”

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A—has intimacy issues; B—is frigid; or C—needs to sit somewhere else on the bus.

Did you hear about the guy who gave up smoking, drinking and sex? He didn’t live longer; time just went by much slower.

If you get an email with the subject “Knock, knock,” don’t open it. The message is from a Jehovah’s Witness working at home.

A wife exclaimed, “Honey, the vacuum isn’t sucking!”

“Frustrating, isn’t it?” her hubby snorted.

A lawyer wrote a letter to his wife, a college math professor. “My dear Janie,” it began. “I value you as a good wife, but now that you’re 57 years old, you can no longer satisfy certain needs of mine. Therefore, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret why I will be spending this evening at the Hilton with my 18-year-old secretary. Please don’t be upset. I promise to be home before midnight.”

When the lawyer came home, he found a letter on the dining room table. “My dearest husband,” it began. “I read your letter, and I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you also are 57 years old. I am informing you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students. He’s on the tennis team, so he’s very virile and, like your secretary, 18 years of age. As a successful lawyer with an excellent grasp of math, you should understand that we are in the same situation, although with one significant difference: 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.”

While walking behind his wife, Mort muttered, “Your ass is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine.” The woman didn’t utter a peep.

Bedtime came around, and Mort was hankering to get it on, but his wife wasn’t in the mood. “I’m not starting the old washing machine for such a small load,” she whined. “You’ll have to do it by hand.”

While shooting the shit, a young man told his new friend, “I think my wife is cheating on me.”

“What gave you that idea?” the other guy asked.

“We moved from New York to L.A. and still have the same deliver boy.”

Chet went to his doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra, but the doc told him that he couldn’t allow a double dose. “Why not?” Chet snarled.

“Because it’s not safe,” the doctor cautioned.

“But I need it really bad,” Chet insisted.

“Why do you need a double dose so badly?” the doctor wanted to know.

“My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday,” Chet explained, “my ex-wife is coming home on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

Finally relenting, the doctor said, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so I can check to see if there were any side effects.”

On Monday morning, Chet—his right arm in a sling—dragged himself back to the doctor’s office. “What happened to you?” the doc wondered.

Chet exclaimed, “No one showed up!”

A married man stepped into a confessional booth one Saturday afternoon.

“Father, it has been a month since my last confession,” he admitted, “and I had sex with Nookie Green twice since then.”

The priest told the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go and say three Hail Marys.”

A few minutes later another married guy entered the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.”

“Who, my son, is this Nookie Green?” the priest inquired.

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replied.

“Very well,” the priest sighed. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead-gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every male in the church fell upon her as she sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was emerald green and very short, and she wore shiny, emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasped as the beauty sat down, her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn’t wearing panties. Turning to the altar boy, the priest whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The altar boy couldn’t believe his ears, but managed to whisper, “No, Father. I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes.”

A senior citizen took his wife to be tested. Two days later he got a call from the doctor. “I’m sorry to inform you that your wife’s test results were mixed up with another patient’s,” the doctor said. “We’re not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer’s disease.”

“So what am I supposed to do?” the geezer asked.

“Take your wife for a long walk and leave her,” the doctor advised. “If she finds her way home, don’t open the door.”

A big-time executive came home and said to his wife, “I’ve been so busy, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

The missus told him, “By the look on your face, you’re going. When you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”

A middle-aged man and his perpetually nagging wife went to Israel for a vacation. While in Jerusalem the woman suddenly died. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her body shipped home for $5,000.”

The husband thought things over and said, “You can ship her home.”

The bewildered undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife’s body back home when she could have a beautiful burial here, and it would cost only $150?”

“Long ago,” the husband replied, “a man died here in Jerusalem, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance with my wife.”

Just as a dentist leaned over a female patient to begin working on a tooth, he was startled.

“Excuse me, miss,” he gasped, “but those are my testicles you’re holding.”

“I know,” the gal replied sweetly. “So let’s be careful not to hurt each other, okay?”

For the topic of his Sunday sermon a minister chose creation. “Man came first,” he began.

Suddenly a woman at the back of the church shouted out, “Some things never fuckin’ change!”

A guy walked into a crowded bar. Waving an unholstered pistol, he yelled, “This is a .45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine, plus a slug in the chamber and I wanted to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!”

A voice from the back of the bar called out, “You’re gonna need more ammo!”

A man went into a store and asked a salesclerk, “In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?”

The clerk replied, “Are you Polish?”

Clearly offended, the customer said: “Yes, I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked about salami, would you have asked me if I was Italian? Or if I had ordered bratwurst, would you have asked me if I was German? Or if I’d asked about kosher hot dogs, would you have asked me if I was Jewish?”

The clerk admitted, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

“Well, then,” the customer snarled, “why did you ask me if I was Polish when I asked about Polish sausage?”

The clerk retorted, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

After a lot of soul-searching a long-time cheater told his buddy, “My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.”

A cheating wife had just finished giving her lover the screwing of his life. As she was lighting a cigarette, her cell phone rang. A brief conversation ensued, and then she said, “Okay, dear. Bye.”

“Your husband?” her boyfriend asked.

“Yes,” she answered, giggling. “He said he’ll be home late because he’s playing poker with you and a few of the boys.”

Tom said to his wife, “Let me come in your ear.”

“No way!” she hollered. “I’ll go deaf if you come in my ear!”

“That’s funny,” Tom countered. “I come in your mouth, and you never shut up.”

Mike went to apply for a job, and the interviewer asked him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

“Yes, sir, caffeine,” Mike replied. “I can’t drink coffee.”

“Okay,” the interviewer continued. “Have you ever been in the military?”

“Yes, sir,” Mike answered. “I did one tour in Afghanistan.”

“Great!” the human resources rep exclaimed. “That will give you five extra points toward employment.” Then he inquired, “Are you disabled in any way?”

Mike told him, “Yes, sir, I am. A bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles.”

The guy from HR grimaced, then announced, “Okay, you’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m., and plan on reporting for work at that time moving forward.”

Mike was puzzled. “If the work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., why don’t you want
me here until 10?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer explained. “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”

While lying in bed one evening, a farmer was reading, and his wife was knitting. The farmer looked up from the page of an animal-husbandry magazine and said, “Did you know that humans are the only species whose females achieve orgasm?”

His wife looked at him wistfully, smiled and responded, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”

The farmer frowned for a minute, then exclaimed, “Okay!” He got up, put on his coveralls and left his wife rather confused.

About a half hour later he returned. Tired and sweaty, he declared, “Well, dear, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t have orgasms, but the way that damn pig is always squealing, how the fuck can I tell?”

A man was talking to his son, who was about to graduate from high school. “Do you want to go to college?”

“No,” the boy replied, ‘I want to be a pizza delivery guy or a plumber.”

His dad yelped, “Stop watching porn, son!”

A 93-year-old man met a 79-year-old woman at the senior center, and they ended up in bed. Three days later he noticed that his dick was developing a drip, so he decided to have a checkup.

“Have you recently engaged in sex?” the doctor inquired.

“As a matter of fact I have,” the 93-year-old proudly replied.

“Do you know where your partner is right now?” the doctor prodded.

“Yes, I do,” the geezer told him, “but why do you wanna know?”

“Because you’d better get over there,” the doctor advised. “You’re about to come!”

A bartender was getting ready to close for the evening when a man burst in and pulled out a gun. “This is a robbery!” the intruder yelled. “Put all your money in a bag!”

“Don’t shoot me!” the barkeep pleaded. “I’ll do whatever you say.” He stuffed all the money from the cash register into a bag and handed it over.

The crook snatched the loot, then put his gun to the bartender’s head. “Okay, give me a blowjob,” he demanded.

“I’ll do anything!” the barkeep insisted. “Just don’t shoot me!”

He quickly got on his knees and began sucking the holdup man’s pecker. After a few minutes, the guy got so excited from the blowjob that he dropped his weapon.

The bartender picked it up and handed it back to the robber. “Keep holding the damn gun!” he ordered. “One of my customers might walk in!”

Question: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

Answer: Both are excellent meat substitutes.

While  being evaluated at a mental asylum, a new patient asked a psychiatrist, “How do you determine if a person needs to be institutionalized?”

The shrink responded, “First we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket. Then we ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”

“I guess I won’t be here very long,” the new patient smugly remarked. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or cup.”

The psychiatrist just smiled and said, “You’re wrong. A normal person would pull the plug. So do you want a bed near the window?”

A man in his 40s and a younger woman were having a romantic dinner in an upscale restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. While taking an order at another table, the waitress noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, but the man didn’t seem to notice. He was staring straight ahead in a daze.

The waitress watched as the woman slid out of sight beneath the table. Thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, the waitress went over to the lovebirds’ table. “Pardon me, sir,” she said, “but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

The man calmly looked up at her and muttered, “No, she didn’t. My wife just walked in.”

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the procedure be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

After the operation the woman awoke from the anesthesia and found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she summoned the surgeon. “I thought I told you not to tell anyone about my surgery!” she snapped. “Where did these roses come from?!”

The doctor said that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. “I felt sad,” he explained, “because you went through all this by yourself. The second rose was from my nurse. She assisted me and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.”

“And the third rose?” the woman asked.

“That’s from a patient upstairs in the burn unit,” the surgeon replied. “He wanted to thank you for his new ears.”

As  Professor Anderson was wrapping up class, he reminded his students about their final exam. “There will be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,” he sternly warned, “barring a serious medical condition or the death of a family member.”

A smartass male student stood up and asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class burst into laughter.

Once the laughter subsided, Professor Anderson glared at the student and bellowed, “That’s not an excuse! You can use your other hand to write.”