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October 2020

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Humor

Jokes

Killer jokes to die for!

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A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation was lying on a gurney in a hospital hallway. A man in a white coat approached her, lifted up her sheet and visually examined her naked body. He walked away and conferred with another guy in a white coat. The second man approached the patient and performed the same examination.

When a third man in white approached her, the impatient beauty remarked, “These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?”

The man shrugged and said, “Your guess is as good as mine. We’re just here to paint the halls.” 

Jeff watched in horror as his wife, Ally, sliced her tee shot through a window of a mansion adjacent to the golf course. “I warned you to be careful,” Jeff sneered. “Now we’ll have to go over there, apologize to the owner and find out how much that lousy drive is gonna cost us.”

The couple, rolling their golf bags, trudged up to the mansion and knocked on the front door. A sonorous voice said, “Come on in!”

When Jeff and Ally stepped inside, they saw chunks of glass scattered all over the floor and a broken antique bottle lying on its side. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the idiots who broke my window?”

“Uh, yes, we are,” Jeff admitted. “My wife and I are sorry about that.”

“No apology is necessary,” the other man declared. “I want to thank you. My name is Raj. I’m a ge nie, and I had been trapped in that bottle you broke for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give each of you a wish, but if you don’t mind, I’m going to keep the last one for myself.”

“We don’t mind!” Jeff exclaimed. “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!”

“No problem,” Raj assured him, “and I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life.

“So, young lady, what do you want?” Raj asked Ally.

She replied, “I’d like to own mansions in a dozen countries, complete with servants.”

“Consider it done,” Raj told her.

Jeff then asked, “What’s your wish?”

Raj’s eyes lit up. “Since I haven’t been with a woman for a thousand years, I’d like to have sex with your wife.”

Jeff looked at Ally and said, “Whaddaya think, honey? We’ll both have a fortune and all those houses.”

Ally responded, “Considering all that he’s given us, it’s the least I can do, dear.”

Ally and Raj went off to the bedroom. After hours of nonstop sex, he rolled over and asked Ally, “How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she gasped.

“No kidding,” her lover muttered. “Thirty-five, and you both still believe in genies.” 

Soon after the airliner had reached its cruising altitude, the pilot announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. Thank you for flying with us today. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and pleasant flight,” So sit back, relax and…. Omigod!”

There was complete silence for a few minutes. Then the pilot got back on the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m very sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

From the back of the plane a passenger yelled, “You should see the back of my pants!”

Question: What’s the difference between your wife and your Harley?

Answer: You might let your friends ride your wife. 

When Joe died, he went to hell and was immediately taken to a room filled with beautiful, voluptuous blondes and huge kegs of beer. Looking around, Joe saw a demon nearby and cried out, “You call this place hell?! This is my idea of heaven!”

“Not so fast, buddy,” the demon hissed. “The kegs all have holes in them, and the blondes don’t.” 

Mike and his fiancée, Karen, would soon be getting married, so his father sat him down for a little chat. “Son, let me tell you something,” Mike’s dad began. “On my wedding night in the honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here, try these on.’ Your mother did and said, ‘These are too big. I can’t wear them.’

“I cried out, ‘Exactly! I wear the pants in this family and always will.’ Ever since our wedding night your mother and I have never had any problems.”

Mike looked at his father and said, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

A few weeks later Mike and Karen were on their honeymoon and getting ready for bed. Mike took off his pants, handed them to Karen and ordered, “Try these on.”

While trying to put on her husband’s pants, Karen complained, “These are too large. They don’t fit me.”

“Exactly!” Mike bellowed. “I wear the pants in this family and always will. Don’t you ever forget that!”

Karen found a pair of her own pants and told Mike, “Here, try a pair of mine on.”

“I can’t get into your pants,” Mike said.

“Exactly!” Karen shot back. “And if you don’t change your smart ass attitude, you never will.”

Fred was confused when his doctor prescribed LSD for his constipation. But a few hours later Fred saw a fire-breathing dragon and shit his pants.

Question: Who’s going to miss Donald Trump the most after he leaves the White House?

Answer: Late-night comedians. 

Ralph returned from the doctor and gave his wife the bad news: “I only have 24 hours to live. Can we make love right now?” She agreed, and they rushed to the bedroom.

About six hours later Ralph and the missus were watching TV. “Honey, now I only have 18 hours to live,” Ralph reminded her. “Could we please do it one more time?” The wife was okay with that, and they had sex again.

Still later, as his wife was dozing beside him, Ralph looked at the alarm clock and realized he had only eight hours left. He nudged his wife’s shoulder. When she woke up, Ralph begged, “Honey, please, just one more time before I die.”

“Of course, dear,” she groaned, and the couple fucked a third time.

After this session Ralph’s spouse rolled over and fell fast asleep. Worried about his impending death, Ralph tossed and turned until he was running out of time. He tapped his bedmate and managed to rouse her. “Sweetheart, I only have four more hours,” Ralph whined. “Do you think we could make love again?”

“Listen, Ralph,” his wife snapped, “I have to get up in the morning! You don’t!”

You know you’re getting old when your wife invites you to run upstairs for hot sex, and you tell her she’ll have to choose because you can’t do both. 

Question: What is the minimum sentence for bigamy?

Answer: Two mothers-in-law. 

Question: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Answer: How do you breathe through that thing?

Two middle-aged spinsters were chatting. “George Johnson asked me out for a date,” Dorothy divulged. “I know you went out with him last week, Edna, so I wanted to talk with you about him before I give my answer.”

“I’ll tell you everything,” Edna said. “George showed up at my house punctually at 7 p.m., dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit, and handed me a beautiful bouquet. Parked at the curb was a limousine with a chauffeur, and off we went. First we had a marvelous dinner—lobster, French champagne, dessert and after-dinner drinks. Then George and I went to a movie. I was having such a good time, Dorothy, I could have just died from pleasure!”

“George seems like a very nice guy,” Dorothy remarked.

“Let me finish!” Edna snapped. “Once the limo got to my house, I asked George to come in, and he turned into an animal. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me three times!”

“Goodness gracious!” Dorothy gasped. “Are you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with George?”

“No, no, no,” Edna replied, smiling. “I’m just saying wear an old dress.” 

Three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man suddenly jumped out and flashed them. Two of the biddies immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn’t quite reach. 

Opponents of laws legalizing the recreational use of marijuana argue that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. Next they’ll be saying that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. 

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer, and Judy married again. She and Bob raised seven more kids. After Bob was killed in a car accident, Judy wed John and had five more children. By the time Judy died, she’d given birth to 25 children.

Standing before Judy’s coffin, the preacher thanked God for this loving woman. He then bellowed, “Lord, they are finally together!”

Two of Judy’s close friends were sitting next to each other at the funeral, and Ethel leaned over to ask Maggie, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

Maggie whispered, “I think he means her legs, Ethel, her legs.” 

The nurse assured Tony, “Of course I won’t laugh. I’m a professional. For 20 years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”

“Okay, then,” Tony said as he proceeded to drop his pants and shorts, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stifle a giggle, but it came out anyway. “I’m sorry,” she said, regaining her composure. “I don’t know what came over me. I promise it won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Tony replied. The nurse ran out of the room. 

A husband walked into the bedroom and found his wife packing a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m moving to Nevada,” his wife told him. “I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for free! ”

Later, before making her getaway, the wife walked back into the bedroom and saw her husband packing a suitcase. When she asked him where he was going, he snarled, “I’m coming too. I wanna see how you’ll live on $800 a year.” 

Question: How do we know that God likes women better than men?

Answer: Multiple orgasms. 

HUSTLER WISDOM:  Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. 

A sexy speech therapist named Carla was at an impasse with three male stutterers. Deciding it was time for drastic action, she announced, “I’ll give a blowjob to the man who can tell me where he was born without stuttering.”

Patrick quickly stood up and said, “B-b-b-boston.” He angrily shook his head and sat down.

James got up and went, “C-c-c-cleveland.” Disappointed, he slapped his own face and sat back down too.

Daniel stood up and told the therapist, “I’m from Miami.”

Carla dropped to her knees and made good on her promise. After finishing the BJ, she asked, “How was that?”

“B-b-b-beach.” 

A priest entered his donkey in a race, and it won. Pleased with the result, he entered his donkey in the next race. It won again. The local newspaper’s headline read, “Priest’s ass out front.”

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day’s headline read, “Bishop scratches priest’s ass.”

This was too much for the bishop. He demanded that the priest get rid of the donkey, and the priest decided to give it to a young nun in a nearby convent. Hearing about the sale, the newspaper ran a story with the headline “Nun has the best ass in town!”

Infuriated again, the bishop informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible. She sold it to a farmer for ten bucks. The next day’s headline read, “Nun sells ass for $10.”

This angered the bishop so much, he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and take it out to the countryside, where it could run wild. The next day the paper went with “Nun announces her ass is wild and free!”

The bishop had a massive heart attack and died and never, ever had to read a newspaper again.

Steven and Gwen had been dating for a month without any sex. When Steven asked Gwen if she was finally ready to put out, she responded, “No, honey. I told you I don’t believe in premarital sex.”

Steven exclaimed, “Who said anything about getting married?!”

You know you’re getting old when your wife invites you to run upstairs for hot sex, and you tell her she’ll have to choose because you can’t do both.

Question: What state has the biggest assholes?

Answer: Texas. Everything’s bigger in Texas!

An American touring Spain stopped at a bistro following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling platter being served at a neighboring table. Not only did it look scrumptious, but the aroma was also wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that dish you just served?”

“Ah, señor, you have excellent taste!” the waiter remarked. “Those are the testicles from the bullfight this afternoon. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the heck?! I’m on vacation. Please bring me an order.”

“I am so sorry, señor,” the waiter apologized. “We have only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each afternoon. If you come in early tomorrow and place your order, we will save you this delicacy.”

The next morning the American placed his order and went sightseeing. That evening he returned to the bistro and was served the one and only special entrée of the day. After a few bites, he inspected his platter and summoned the waiter. “These are delicious,” the American noted, “but they’re much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged and explained, “Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins.” 

Question: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

Answer: How do you breathe through that thing? 

A woman holding a baby girl was waiting for the pediatrician to come into the examining room for the infant’s first checkup. The doctor arrived and did a thorough exam.

Concerned about the infant’s low weight, he asked the woman, “Is she being bottle-fed or breastfed?”

“Breastfed,” she replied.

“Please strip down to your waist,” the doctor instructed.

The woman did so, and the doctor pinched both of her nipples, then pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts in a very professional manner. While motioning to the woman to get dressed, the doctor remarked, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” the woman snickered. “I’m the baby’s aunt, but I’m glad I came in.” 

Grandpa and Grandma were spending the night at the home of their grandson Robert and his family. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet, he asked Robert about using one of the blue pills.

“I don’t think you should take one, Grandpa,” Robert warned. “They’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How expensive?” Grandpa asked.

“Twenty dollars a pill,” Robert answered.

“I don’t care,” Grandpa muttered. “I’d still like to try one. I’ll hide the money under a pillow before we take off in the morning.”

After waking up the next morning, Robert walked into the empty guest room and found $120 under a pillow. He immediately called his grandfather and said, “I told you each pill was $20, not $120.”

“I know,” Grandpa replied. “The extra 100 bucks was from Grandma.”

A man told his wife, “I hope to die while having sex.”

To which his wife responded, “Well, at least it would be quick.”