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September 2022

Scarlett Alexis
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Blond Ambition

Bakersfield, California. Home to those who struck it rich in the oil business, Basque immigrants and descendants of poor Oklahoman farmers who migrated during the Dust Bowl. More West Texas than West Coast. Famous for independent thinkers....

Ted’s XXX Adventure

Looking to get off and vomit simultaneously? XHamster has procured porn featuring Ted Cruz doppelganger Searcy Hayes, a 21-year-old from Natchez, Mississippi, discovered on the Maury Show. “She’s no stranger to heartache and pain,” talk show...

A Royal Proclamation

This hilarious Queen Elizabeth II gif has been floating around the Internet for months. Seems Her Majesty recently turned 90 and decided she’s finally old enough to tell the world exactly what she thinks of her pet peeves, like babies at dinner,...

Carmen Electrifies

Here at HUSTLER, we dig into shit, in this case Kocktails With Khloé, so you don’t have to. We’re not sure who’s responsible for greenlighting this, the latest spelling-challenged, televised turd to fall out of the Kardashian empire, but we...

Government Boobs

Is there a sale on intolerant boobs in New Hampshire? State Senator Nancy Stiles (Republican, natch!) was mortified when 54-year-old Heidi Lilley and 23-year-old Kia Sinclair went topless at Hampton Beach last year in support of #FreeTheNipple, a...

Hookers for Hillary

Brothel owner (and author! and reality TV star!) Dennis “My business is built on privacy and discretion” Hof likes attention, so his Hookers for Hillary campaign might seem like nothing more than a publicity grab for his Moonlite BunnyRanch....

Caligula Dot Com

The party is winding down at Zenefits, a human-resources tech startup once valued at $4.5 billion. Its CEO Parker Conrad resigned after concerns about the company’s failure to meet legal compliances and its party-down office culture. Translation:...

Porn Is Good for You

Ever since serial killer/knob Ted Bundy blamed hardcore pornography for fueling his horrendous crimes, many a misguided soul has taken it for granted that porn consumption leads to the objectification and devaluation of women. But according to a...

Trump’s Teenie Weenie

You know things are going badly for the GOP when even a Fox News focus group spits out words like “shameful,” “disappointing,” “despicable” and “disgusting” to describe the debate performance of Republican Presidential...

Truly Mortifying

The hundreds gathered at Thornhill Crematorium in Cardiff to mourn a man killed in a car accident were horrified to see hardcore porn projected during the funeral service. The X-rated footage appeared on a large screen and ran for nearly four...

Young John’s Schlong

“I can keep an erection almost indefinitely,” porn legend John Holmes told HUSTLER in 1983. “I can also keep an erection straddling a girl at the edge of a cliff, looking down at 300 feet of nothing, with my knees bleeding from the sandstone...

Club Girl: Shavelle Love

Shavelle declares. “It’s a place where anything goes. I love the heat. Traffic isn’t bad. Everything is open. Parking is never a problem. And there’s always a pool party somewhere!” According to Shavelle, the nightlife in Vegas...

Rooms With a View

Suspecting that she might be her generation’s Don McCullin, 17-year-old Jo Broughton wanted to change the world through photography. Thing is, she sucked at art school. “I was really bad,” she laughs. “Not attending properly, always late. A...

Furry Fury

Hey, furries, Tony the Tiger has had it up to here with your smutty tweets. The Kellogg cereal mascot tried being patient with the furry fans who flooded his official Twitter account with lewd, lascivious comments and requests for nude photos,...

Hap-Penis

The world’s first FDA-cleared penis implant is here. Yeah, yeah—we know, bigger isn’t better, and most women say they don’t care how big a dick is (according to a 2014 report based on a study of 26,437 women ages 18-65, 84% are “very...

Satan Is My Copilot

Even those who avoid the Trinity Broadcasting Network got a nice whiff of bullshit when a segment from Kenneth Copeland’s Believer’s Voice of Victory recently went viral. Copeland, truly one of today’s most repugnant holy rollers, sat down...

Somewhere, An Egret Cried

Pointing a gun at a Federal officer is a crime, but for almost a month, the government response to the antigovernment protest at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon was restrained, at least IRL. Sexual tensions at...

Club Girl: Melanie

After spending the last six months traveling back and forth between Minnesota and Las Vegas, our 25-year-old Club Girl decided to plant her high heels squarely in Sin City, where you can find her dancing at Larry Flynt’s HUSTLER Club, Las Vegas....

Mean Tweets

Obama’s done it; kids do it; even Canadians do it. It didn’t take long for Jimmy Kimmel’s segment “Celebrities Read Mean Tweets” to drip its way through pop culture. Thing is, most porn stars don’t give a shit what people think (just one...

XXX Mashup

There’s too much wanky guitar music to make it strictly educational, too much British accented voice-over to make it porn. A video clip titled “Camera Inside of the Vagina During Sex in Missionary Position” has been driving people nuts...

Pimp My Ride

Dutch parliament member Gert-Jan Segers got a stiff lesson in “If you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the question.” A member of the ChristenUnie, a socially conservative Christian political party, Segers has spent his career trying to...

Hot As Hell

New research from the National Bureau of Economic Research suggests that higher temperatures will hurt reproductive health by reducing both fertility and “coital frequency.” Hey, you can’t fool us—that means the hotter it gets, the less...

Club Girl: Onyx Muse

My regular customers always brighten up my night when they visit unexpectedly. When I connect with someone, we experience things together. Those memories are special, spiritual and therapeutic experiences that go beyond just getting a front-row seat...

Motherfuck

What makes us adore MILFs? Is it that certain grace a woman acquires with maturity? Is it the knowledge of pleasure and sexual experience she offers? Or is it simply the desire to feed some misplaced, milk-craving Oedipus complex? HUSTLER doesn’t...