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December 2022

Jazlyn Ray
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Johnny Wad Kennedy

High on Election Day adrenaline, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews shocked and titillated a panel of nebbish cohosts by offhandedly remarking that John F. Kennedy once visited a porn theater to blow off election-eve stress. “There’s something about the...

Lust in Translation

#OneMoreCoolThingJapanHasThatWeDon’t: a titty contest judged “from a female perspective.” Sadly, HUSTLER’s Japanese translators have been out sick all month, but between Twitter, YouTube and RocketNews24.com (a reliable source if there ever...

Well-Fucked Planet

Earth Day—a vapid, made-up holiday celebrated by self-congratulatory idiots who believe that turning organic baby food jars into candle votives and participating in drum circles will Make a Difference and Save the Planet. It’s easy to mock...

Hello, Slattern

 Like a lot of media, HUSTLER did not wake up in time to smell the funeral. Most of us came in to work on November 9, 2016, dazed and confused. “Donald Trump’s Victory Proves That America Hates Women,” announced Slate. “Donald Trump Is...

Mississippi Mud

Three cheers for the five bufuing freedom fighters who recently filed a federal class action lawsuit against Mississippi for its ass-backwards sodomy laws. (What is sodomy? We’re glad you asked! Strictly speaking, sodomy defines certain sex acts,...

Love Is a Battlefield

Sixty years too late for John F. Kennedy’s Profiles in Courage, we pay homage this month to folks who’ve braved shame and humiliation to get themselves to the emergency room, after an initial failure to exercise what some might call...

Name That Dick(tator)

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Big Pussies

Leave it to Donald Trump, aka Cheeto Jesus, aka The Face Without a Man, to ruin a perfectly wonderous word: pussy. In case you missed it (if you did, consider yourself blessed): A few weeks before the U.S. Presidential election, the Washington Post...

Fucking & Football

The word prostitution just doesn’t pack the moral outrage that it used to. So if you’re looking to upset people, try the phrase “sex trafficking.” Along with all the other dubious traditions that go along with Super Bowl Sunday, media...

The Orgasm Lady

Firliana Purwanti, who also goes by The Orgasm Lady, has worked hard over the past several years, empowering Indonesian women to embrace their sexuality. What’s the big deal? “Womyn” have been celebrating themselves and their goddamn orgasms...

Cornography

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach and Pamela Botox Anderson (collectively, from here on out, Teach ’n’ Tox) recently coauthored an editorial for Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal about the “dangers of pornography.” Where these two moral and intellectual...

Love Italian-Style

Grazie to Italy’s Supreme Court, which recently ruled that public masturbation is not a crime, so long as it’s not in the presence of minors. The ruling overturned a conviction by a lower court of a 69-year-old man identified as “Pietro L,”...

Be All You Can Be

Guess what, world? We’re not a bunch of babies who can’t handle it if the soldiers serving in our military don’t all present as John Wayne. The Pentagon recently announced that transgender troops on active duty may qualify for sex-reassignment...

Doll Ball

Maybe he couldn’t face another holiday alone. Perhaps she reminded him of the one who got away. Something inspired 55-year-old Christopher Wade to abduct a curvy brunette mannequin from a HUSTLER Hollywood store in Nashville, Tennessee, in the wee...

Vagina Demagogue

Our apologies—we really can’t wait to stop talking about Trump. But Gabriella Paiella’s piece for New York magazine, “Why Are Trump’s Hands Always Making the Symbol for ‘Vagina,’” posed a question too good to pass on. The piece was...

Olympic Glory

“Am I the only person who thinks the Walk of Nations, from above, looks like a giant vagina? #OpeningCeremony #Rio2016,” tweeted @JasonKorolenko. No, Jason, you were not. Sure, Olympic media coverage of female athletes was embarrassingly shitty...

Tell Us Something We Don’t Know

Having little else to do, journalists across the nation recently reported on a paper published by New York University researchers with this catchy title: “A Qualitative Investigation Comparing Psychosocial and...

Fully Erect

Identical naked Donald Trump statues were recently erected in cities across the United States, shocking and thrilling crowds in Seattle, New York, Cleveland, San Francisco and the City of Angels. Commissioned by the anarchist collective INDECLINE...

Drunk & Disorderly

It’s understandable that macho, dumb shits would find a job with the United States Secret Service (USSS) appealing: You get to carry a gun and wear sunglasses and a wire and shit. You’d think the elite law enforcement agency, under the auspices...

Holy Fuck, It’s Christmas!

 This just in: There is joy on earth. It’s on us to spread it around, and this time of year that means gifts. Sometimes it gets hard to figure out what goodies Old Saint Fatty should include in his sack of shit. So whether...

Rubber Rubbish

So long, jizz facials. If Proposition 60, a ballot measure going before Californians on November 8th, is voted in, your favorite cum queens will have to wear goggles, nose plugs and surgical masks if they don’t want to be exposed to lawsuits. The...

“Sorry I’m a Cunt!”

Dani Mathers don’t need no stinking publicist to go from low-ranking media celebrity (56th Playmate of the Year and a recurring role as “waitress” on The Bold and the Beautiful) to high-ranking internet hatebait. The surgically enhanced model...

Devil in Disguise

“Are we going to dress up?” asks one Satanic Temple member with the earnest enthusiasm of a Boy Scout marching in his first parade. It’s June 6, 2016—not quite 6.6.6, but close enough. The Los Angeles Chapter of the Satanic Temple is meeting...

Publicity! Stupidity!

“Free” porn hub xHamster doesn’t pay for content, but it sure spends on public relations. So far this year xHamster’s gotten widespread media coverage for: 1) announcing it was blocking all IP addresses from North Carolina until...