Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
The Real Fake News: Pence Heals Nation With Pizza Bagels
PITTSBURGH, PA—In the wake of the horrific violence at the Pittsburgh Tree of Life synagogue, Mike Pence made a pilgrimage to the Steel City in hopes of easing the nation’s pain. “In addition to...
Sex On the Beach
With dead bodies stacking up faster than Garfield eats lasagna, city officials in Guadalajara, Mexico, decided that it might be a good idea to focus less on enforcing public decency statutes and instead channel resources towards stemming a cartel...
Presidential Penises
In a think piece from September 2018, Guardian journalist Hadley Freeman asks the very important question of whether or not it’s okay to laugh at a penis—specifically the penis belonging to bloated autocrat Donald Trump, described by HUSTLER...
The Real Deal News: Climate Scientists Urge World to Freak the Fuck Out
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released a new report urging both world governments and...
Porn, The Great Equalizer
The grim truth of our reality is that we live in a world where Presidents pay off porn stars and no one bats an eyelash. So it’s a source of some comfort to see a similar turd of a human being get his comeuppance in the form of a giant...
Drive-Thru Sex
As if cuckoo clocks and chocolate weren’t enough of a contribution to global happiness, the Swiss have stepped up with a real third-act topper in the form of a safe and convenient solution for the sex work trade. Four words: drive-thru sex booths....
Celebrity Muff-Divers
DJ Khaled, that guy who will not stop shouting his name in every damn song, caused a bit of an uproar last spring when he casually declared on live radio that he does not partake in the eating of beaver. According to the rapper, there are...
The Real Fake News: Mueller Witch Hunt Uncovers Coven
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A year and a half into the Special Counsel investigation of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 Presidential election, Robert Mueller and his team have revealed the existence of a large coven of...
The Real Fake News: Miller Denies Santa Work Visa
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senior immigration policy adviser to President Trump, Stephen Miller, announced last week that Kris Kringle will not be given his usual Christmas Eve work visa to enter the United States....
Sasquatch Porn
Has Bigfoot erotica finally cracked the mainstream? This very specific literary genre was at the center of a political firestorm in July as Leslie Cockburn, a Democratic candidate for Virginia’s 5th Congressional District, outed her Republican...
68 Is the New 69
Mutual oral pleasure is great and all, but is 69ing really the be-all and end-all of sexual positions? Sometimes it’s almost too much, you know? Too hard to focus, too many distractions. So maybe try the 68 on for size—you may fall in love with...
Houston, We Have a Fuck Doll
Pranks, shenanigans, monkeyshines—they are the lifeblood of local news and the bane of cops everywhere. So it was a mixed blessing for media and law enforcement this summer when two Canadian men were arrested for releasing a...
Recycling Is Bad
You would assume that some things are so basic, so intuitive, so intrinsically linked to our very survival, they need not be explained: Don’t fight a bear, avoid drinking bleach, and never reuse a condom. Of course, some numbskull minority always...
Space Dick?
There are some pretty big dicks in Australia—or rather, from Australia, cough, Mel Gibson, cough—but only one you can see from space. And it’s resting comfortably between Hugh Jackman’s legs, dressed slightly to the left. Kidding! What...
The Real Fake News: Dems Resist Trump With Biting Interpretive Dance
WASHINGTON, D.C.—It’s a Sunday evening, and the typically calm Capitol is a cacophony of music, choreographed movement and a simmering sense of...
The Devirginizer
Face it, sex isn’t a cakewalk for everyone. Disabilities, anxieties—everyone comes to bed with their own baggage, and the pressure can be debilitating. But why go it alone when professional help is available? Say hello to sex surrogacy, a...
Jizz Facials
If you’re a fan of giving or receiving messy, sticky cum facials, then you’re gonna love what these two bloggers have to say about the health benefits of hot loads. Angela Nwosu, from Nigeria, shares sex tips on Facebook with her 50,000...
Gangbangs for All!
Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of women? Well, researchers at the University of Montreal apparently. Their study revealed a not-so-vanilla fantasy shared by many of the fairer sex. Published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine and reported...
Stop Right Fucking Now
What does your safe word say about you? A lot, apparently. A new survey (published by Bustle) from adult toy retailer Lovehoney asked 1,280 people about their go-to safe word. The results are in, and there’s a clear distinction between...
Condoms Are a Crime?
In the spirit of SESTA/FOSTA and the Trumped up pretext of fighting human trafficking, one Pennsylvania county has discarded sanity and criminalized condoms. I shit you not. That’s right, condoms are now “instruments of crime” according to the...
The Real Fake News: Devos Blames School Shootings on Schools
LYNCHBURG, VA—During a speech at Liberty University, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos ceased speaking in tongues long enough to identify three main obstacles to halting school shootings: the...
Warm Weenie Water: $38
People will buy anything. It’s like we’re allergic to money and can’t empty our wallets of it quickly enough. Shameless corporations exploit this, while postmodern artists use it to craft expensive punch lines. So it was for...
