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humor

The Real Fake News: EPA to Crack Down on Environment

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid concern surrounding his recent appointment of a smoldering raccoon carcass to the EPA’s Science Advisory Board, EPA head Scott Pruitt has doubled down on his controversial leadership, calling for the “complete and total elimination of the environment by 2024.” “In the entire history of mankind, any person who’s ever died, ever, has had...
humor

Stoners & Boners

If you worry that too much pot is hindering your sex life, fret no more, because science has stepped up with some sweet vindication to offset your chronic paranoia. “Doctor, is marijuana responsible for my lackluster sexual performance?” The question comes up often enough that one physician decided to look into it and, oddly, found...
humor

Is Your Sex Toy Secure?

Before you invest in that vibrating Bluetooth butt plug, a word of warning: Use password protection, and don’t choose an idiot configuration like 0000 or 1234. Because the future is now, and anyone can hack into anything. See where this is going? Modern toys can be downright fun. Wires are such a nuisance, and sex...
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Let Porn Be My Armor

Resolving neighborly tensions is no fun. Some people choose mediation, while others leave passive-aggressive letters in the mailbox. Then there’s Donald Gene Gaither of Oklahoma, whose epic rampage makes Michael Douglas’s turn in Falling Down seem like a baby’s tantrum in comparison. Gaither, 49, who looks like Charlie Manson on a bad day, was arrested...
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Pan Pan, the Banging Panda

Unless you’ve been living under a rock in a cave on Mars, you’d know that March 16 is National Panda Day. And as you celebrate the majesty of nature’s bamboo-loving clowns, take a somber moment this year to remember an extraordinary bear who changed the goddamn world. The term “insatiable fuck machine” is thrown around...
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Michael & Rudy

Two men in their 40s, Michael and Rudy, croaked and found themselves together at the gates of heaven. “How did you get here?” Michael asked. “Hypothermia,” Rudy told him. “What happened to you?” “Long story,” Michael said. “I was sure my wife was screwing around on me, so I came home early from work one...
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An Old Farmer

An old farmer dropped his truck off at the mechanic for a tune-up. Told it would take a few hours, he decided to walk home. On the way he bought a bucket and a gallon of paint at the hardware store. The farmer stopped at the feed store next and picked up two live chickens...
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Turning Tricks

Trends in film may come and go, but hookers are forever. Some miss the mark (Heather Graham, The Hangover), while others are pure exploitation (Angel, 1984), but recent offerings have injected new life and dimension to this oft-misrepresented archetype. Just look at Maggie Gyllenhaal’s Golden Globe-nominated performance as Candy, the dead-on-the-inside prostitute from HBO’s The...
humor

On Bended Knees

Wedding photos: Is there anything worse? The forced romance, the manufactured moments…pass the gun. If only this worn-out medium had something less tired and predictable to offer, something to offset the mundane treacle of sunsets and longing glances. Dutch photographer Michael Klooster didn’t exactly invent the wedding blowjob, though he certainly helped make it a...
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Waterbeds Turn 50

That’s right, swingers—the waterbed has been around for five whole decades, and according to its inventor, Charlie Hall, the time is nigh for a comeback. “My theory is, there’s a whole generation that was spawned on a waterbed…they’re going to swim upstream like salmon and buy another one” (The Canadian Press). As Hall prepares to...
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Anal Is on the Menu

What a magical time to be into butt stuff! If you’re a guy who loves anal sex, then you’ll be heartened to know that more women than ever are taking it up the ass on a regular basis. A new survey by Bespoke Surgical reveals that one in four straight women enjoy anal sex on...
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The Real Fake News Bannon: Insane in the Membrane

SILICON VALLEY, CA—A more-disheveled-than-usual Steve Bannon, former top aide to President Trump, was seen yesterday pacing furiously by a Taco Bell dumpster, which he bitterly referred to as Trashvanka 2.0. At 12 feet away, onlookers reported the strong stench of stale sweat and burrito grease. “Look at all these wondrous shirts!” he howled, pawing feverishly...
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The Real Fake News: Zuckerberg Faces Facts

PALO ALTO, CA—Amid a chorus of growing concern surrounding the spread of fake news stories on Facebook during the 2016 Presidential election, and the potential for similar abuses in the coming 2018 midterms, Facebook cofounder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced plans to fight misinformation on the site. “We’ve formulated a three-prong approach to tackle...
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Baby-Birding

Redditor iPiPrince first suspected something was amiss when he tried the scrambled eggs. They looked okay, but for some reason tasted too… mushy. And then there was the smell—it seemed off. His girlfriend attributed it to fancy cheese, but the truth would prove far more disturbing. Turns out our unwitting boyfriend was totally unaware that...
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Pot Parties

The tectonic shift toward legal marijuana is bringing people together, with some dispensaries offering more than choice bud to their less inhibited customers. Let’s put it this way: Weed makes everything better—food, music, sex…especially sex. So it is at the Speakeasy Vape Lounge and Cannabis Club in Colorado Springs, where owner Jaymen Johnson recently hosted...
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Women on the March

There’s no denying the momentum of change as women worldwide marched again this January. As much a collective “Fuck you!” to Trump’s blithe misogyny as a declaration of war against the status quo, this collective show of strength and solidarity proved inspiring and hopeful. Any lingering concerns over maintaining last year’s momentum proved unfounded. According...
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Slope-side in South Korea

Sex and the Olympics go together like skiing and snow. And athletes did not disappoint at the recent Winter Games in Pyeongchang. Magnificent physical specimens with raging libidos long repressed by unrelenting training schedules grabbed at the opportunity to finally cut loose. But safety first: Competitors were provided with around 110,000 condoms. For the 2,925...
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Sex Toys For All

In theory the idea of receiving a free butt plug or Hitachi Magic Wand in the mail may seem like a dream come true, but in reality it can be kind of creepy. Such was the case for dozens of people across Canada and the U.S. who received X-rated parcels via online retail giant Amazon—toys...
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The Real Fake News: Assault Rifles Have Many Awesome Uses

FAIRFAX, VA—A group of unbiased scientists from the National Rifle Academy has conducted a study finally debunking the nefarious myth that assault rifles’ only use in American life is the wholesale slaughter of concert crowds and schoolchildren. “We surveyed upwards of seven people—who we’ve definitely never met before,” says lead NRA scientist Lane WaDierre, stroking...
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The Politics of Porn

Blame porn. That seems to be the response of desperate legislators eager to avoid being held accountable for their states’ problems. Let’s start with Kansas: Last February the state senate passed a resolution declaring pornography a public health crisis that “normalizes violence and abuse against women and children.” Problem is, that’s complete bullshit. According to...
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Bra & Order

It’s one thing for adult content to be viewed by your unsuspecting grandma, but you’d think a lawyer would have a pretty high threshold for nipples. Still, even parasites must have their limits. The human tapeworms of the Utah Bar Association feigned shock in March, when every lawyer in the state received a boobilicious image...

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