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The Real Fake News: Miller Denies Santa Work Visa
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senior immigration policy adviser to President Trump, Stephen Miller, announced last week that Kris Kringle will not be given his usual Christmas Eve work visa to enter the United States. “This administration will no longer tolerate invaders from the north taking our jobs,” said Miller at a press conference. “There is no reason an...
“If you weren’t such a fucked-up piece of limp-dicked shit, you could help me understand why nobody likes me!”
“If you weren’t such a fucked-up piece of limp-dicked shit, you could help me understand why nobody likes me!”...
“Other men invent the club..the wheel…but you invent ticklers, dildos, love lube, porno pictures…”
“Other men invent the club..the wheel…but you invent ticklers, dildos, love lube, porno pictures…”...
Now we know how Herman Cain came up with his “nine-nine-nine” bullshit.
Now we know how Herman Cain came up with his “nine-nine-nine” bullshit....
“That’s weird, babe. Why does your pussy taste like peanut butter?”
“That’s weird, babe. Why does your pussy taste like peanut butter?”...
“It’s okay, Melania. This is a very bad thing, but I’m the President of the United States, and I can make this all better. I hereby pardon myself.”
“It’s okay, Melania. This is a very bad thing, but I’m the President of the United States, and I can make this all better. I hereby pardon myself.”...
“You know very well ‘what girl’…”
“You know very well ‘what girl’…”...
“Miss Campbell, send in someone who laughed at me in high school.”
“Miss Campbell, send in someone who laughed at me in high school.”...
“Jennifer, I’m leaving you for another woman. Just give me a few days to find one.”
“Jennifer, I’m leaving you for another woman. Just give me a few days to find one.”...
“Dad, have you thought of a nice spot to scatter Mom’s ashes?”
“Dad, have you thought of a nice spot to scatter Mom’s ashes?”...
“It’s a miracle, Ellen! I haven’t had an erection in ten years. Then little Mary from next door stops by, and wham! The Lord sure works in mysterious ways!”
“It’s a miracle, Ellen! I haven’t had an erection in ten years. Then little Mary from next door stops by, and wham! The Lord sure works in mysterious ways!”...
“I fired Flynn, Spicer, Priebus, Scaramucci, Price and Bannon. Don’t worry, Kellyanne, your position in the Oval Office is safe.”
“I fired Flynn, Spicer, Priebus, Scaramucci, Price and Bannon. Don’t worry, Kellyanne, your position in the Oval Office is safe.”...
“And before I pronounce you man and wife, I’d like the congregation to know that I will no longer conduct ceremonies couples write themselves.”
“And before I pronounce you man and wife, I’d like the congregation to know that I will no longer conduct ceremonies couples write themselves.”...
“I often feel like nobody pays any attention to me.”
“I often feel like nobody pays any attention to me.”...
“The only person Trump won’t fire is Jared Kushner, and that’s saying something, since he fucks Trump’s daughter in the ass and makes her suck his dick.”
“The only person Trump won’t fire is Jared Kushner, and that’s saying something, since he fucks Trump’s daughter in the ass and makes her suck his dick.”...
“My husband suffers from erectile dysfunction, Doctor. Fortunately, this isn’t my husband.”
“My husband suffers from erectile dysfunction, Doctor. Fortunately, this isn’t my husband.”...
“Honey, it’s home.”
“Honey, it’s home.”...
“Everybody wants to use the Trump urinal!”
“Everybody wants to use the Trump urinal!”...
“I have reason to believe that being a Republican can turn you gay. You see, I didn’t turn gay until I turned Republican.”
“I have reason to believe that being a Republican can turn you gay. You see, I didn’t turn gay until I turned Republican.”...
“It was very nice of you to fill in for your sister while she’s out of town.”
“It was very nice of you to fill in for your sister while she’s out of town.”...
“I changed my mind about being a born-again Christian. I don’t wanna belong to a religion that waterboards my ass at the very beginning.”
“I changed my mind about being a born-again Christian. I don’t wanna belong to a religion that waterboards my ass at the very beginning.”...
“I don’t know if we should cook her or fuck her.”
“I don’t know if we should cook her or fuck her.”...
“The food’s awful, but the morphine is fantastic.”
“The food’s awful, but the morphine is fantastic.”...
“I always thought I’d be the first to go, old friend…”
“I always thought I’d be the first to go, old friend…”...
“My guest this evening is someone who has turned an enjoyable hobby into a profitable business!”
“My guest this evening is someone who has turned an enjoyable hobby into a profitable business!”...
“But he’s my best friend!”
“But he’s my best friend!”...
“I’ve assembled a panel of experts and will get back to you shortly with their recommendations.”
“I’ve assembled a panel of experts and will get back to you shortly with their recommendations.”...
“I guess you is old enough to know, Leon. Your daddy died when you was a baby in a terrible lethal injection accident.”
“I guess you is old enough to know, Leon. Your daddy died when you was a baby in a terrible lethal injection accident.”...
“Slut is such an ugly word… I prefer behaviorally challenged.”
“Slut is such an ugly word… I prefer behaviorally challenged.”...
