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The Real Fake News: Benedict Arnold Is Innocent

“It was a 20-minute meeting mainly about adoptions and the weather. Nothing came of it.” —General Benedict Arnold WASHINGTON, D.C.—A “treasure trove” of new documents discovered in the National Archives reveals that notorious American traitor Benedict Arnold (1741-1801) did not after all collude with the British during the Revolutionary War. According to Presidential historian Kellyanne...
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Dick-ometrics

You’ve heard of biometrics, but one live-cam site is taking identification protocols far beyond retinal scans, into extremely intimate territory. CamSoda requests that its subscribers log in with their dick pic. In an interview with CNET, the website assures users that their dick-ometrics ID procedure is in fact very real—and accurate. They claim that your...
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Prison Perks

Rise of the machines? Seems like it was only a matter of time before drones made humans obsolete—specifically the brave men and women who keister drugs and SIM cards into penitentiaries. As reported by The Verge, a USA Today study found that drones have been used successfully to fly contraband into federal prisons over the...
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Royals Talk Dirty

Princess Diana was a living saint adored by millions. Then she was assassinated as part of an Illuminati conspiracy to assure Charles’ ascension to the throne. Or not. We may never know for sure. Until then we’ll just have to be satisfied with the recent revelation that His Royal Highness is a filthy phone sex...
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The Real Fake News: Donald Trump Cancels 2020 Election

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In shocking early morning tweets yesterday, President Trump announced that he was canceling the 2020 elections because “No useful purpose is served by going ahead with them, believe me. I am the most popular, successful, best qualified President in world history.” Trump’s announcement was greeted with ecstasy and gratitude everywhere, according to a Fox...
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The Titty Committee

Millennials, the most coveted marketing demographic on the block, are much maligned and oft misunderstood. What we do know is that they’re underemployed, overeducated and wizards at social media. And now another revelation: They’re just not that interested in boobs. It’s true: According to Pornhub, people between the ages of 18 and 24 are 19%...
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Man Down: Dick Drama

An erect penis can get into a lot of trouble under the wrong circumstances. No, you cannot break your dick, but there’s still a whole lot of horrible, cringe-worthy stuff that can happen to it with or without your help. A vacuum cleaner is not a toy—got it? Knowledge is your ally in protecting this...
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Panties For Profit

A former cleaner from London, England, is raking in the pounds. What’s her secret? Good old-fashioned grit, know-how and a knack for turning dirty laundry into cash money. Financial domination is well-worn territory, but the woman who goes by Yasmin Night and #KandiKaine may have broken new ground when she added toenail clippings to the...
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Blow, Baby, Blow

Hurricane relief just got a whole lot sexier. File under, “Only in Florida”: Hurricane victims left frustrated in the wake of Irma’s destruction were offered the sweet sexual relief they so desperately needed when FEMA “accidentally” advertised the number for a phone sex line. In an orgy of bad luck and zero second thought, the...
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The Greatest Show On Earth

 Is there anything scarier than a clown? Pennywise, the shape-shifting nightmare monster from Stephen King’s It, is terror personified, but add kink to the mix and suddenly the big top becomes a completely different kind of freak show altogether. So it was at a recent event hosted by Snctm, described as “the world’s most exclusive...
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The Real Fake News: Prayer Eliminates Gun Violence

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The obligatory outpouring of thoughts and prayers in the wake the largest mass-shooting in modern American history has achieved what many thought impossible: “Since the recent horrors we all witnessed in Las Vegas,” says FBI agent Tom Daniels, “we’ve recorded zero instances of gun-related homicides across America.” The lack of carnage, from gang-related shootings...
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Boob Goggles

Like flying cars or teleportation, virtual reality technology had yet to align with our expectations of life in 2018. But then a Swiss-based tech firm went and changed everything by developing the first ever boob goggles. According to The Mirror, this 3D technology—developed by the visionaries at Crisalix—is currently in use at select U.K. clinics....
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7-Inches for Planned Parenthood

When evil forces collude to oppress the innocent and vulnerable, we must resist and push back. This can be in the form of protest, civil disobedience, boycott and, in extreme cases, vinyl. Politicians and lawmakers hailing from the Ninth Circle of Hell have had their sights set on Planned Parenthood since, well, forever. If these...
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Celeb Fetish Files

Celebrities are people too. They laugh; they cry; they love and feel loss…and sometimes indulge in the sweet stank of a woman’s foot. U.K. heartthrob and all-around genius actor Idris Elba can speak to the latter, though perhaps not without blushing. When promoting the film The Mountain Between Us with Kate Winslet, the Titanic actress...

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