Bits & Pieces
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Royals Talk Dirty
Princess Diana was a living saint adored by millions. Then she was assassinated as part of an Illuminati conspiracy to assure Charles’ ascension to the throne. Or not. We may never know for sure. Until then we’ll just have to be satisfied with the recent revelation that His Royal Highness is a filthy phone sex...
The Real Fake News: Donald Trump Cancels 2020 Election
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In shocking early morning tweets yesterday, President Trump announced that he was canceling the 2020 elections because “No useful purpose is served by going ahead with them, believe me. I am the most popular, successful, best qualified President in world history.” Trump’s announcement was greeted with ecstasy and gratitude everywhere, according to a Fox...
The Titty Committee
Millennials, the most coveted marketing demographic on the block, are much maligned and oft misunderstood. What we do know is that they’re underemployed, overeducated and wizards at social media. And now another revelation: They’re just not that interested in boobs. It’s true: According to Pornhub, people between the ages of 18 and 24 are 19%...
Man Down: Dick Drama
An erect penis can get into a lot of trouble under the wrong circumstances. No, you cannot break your dick, but there’s still a whole lot of horrible, cringe-worthy stuff that can happen to it with or without your help. A vacuum cleaner is not a toy—got it? Knowledge is your ally in protecting this...
Panties For Profit
A former cleaner from London, England, is raking in the pounds. What’s her secret? Good old-fashioned grit, know-how and a knack for turning dirty laundry into cash money. Financial domination is well-worn territory, but the woman who goes by Yasmin Night and #KandiKaine may have broken new ground when she added toenail clippings to the...
Blow, Baby, Blow
Hurricane relief just got a whole lot sexier. File under, “Only in Florida”: Hurricane victims left frustrated in the wake of Irma’s destruction were offered the sweet sexual relief they so desperately needed when FEMA “accidentally” advertised the number for a phone sex line. In an orgy of bad luck and zero second thought, the...
The Greatest Show On Earth
Is there anything scarier than a clown? Pennywise, the shape-shifting nightmare monster from Stephen King’s It, is terror personified, but add kink to the mix and suddenly the big top becomes a completely different kind of freak show altogether. So it was at a recent event hosted by Snctm, described as “the world’s most exclusive...
The Real Fake News: Prayer Eliminates Gun Violence
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The obligatory outpouring of thoughts and prayers in the wake the largest mass-shooting in modern American history has achieved what many thought impossible: “Since the recent horrors we all witnessed in Las Vegas,” says FBI agent Tom Daniels, “we’ve recorded zero instances of gun-related homicides across America.” The lack of carnage, from gang-related shootings...
Boob Goggles
Like flying cars or teleportation, virtual reality technology had yet to align with our expectations of life in 2018. But then a Swiss-based tech firm went and changed everything by developing the first ever boob goggles. According to The Mirror, this 3D technology—developed by the visionaries at Crisalix—is currently in use at select U.K. clinics....
7-Inches for Planned Parenthood
When evil forces collude to oppress the innocent and vulnerable, we must resist and push back. This can be in the form of protest, civil disobedience, boycott and, in extreme cases, vinyl. Politicians and lawmakers hailing from the Ninth Circle of Hell have had their sights set on Planned Parenthood since, well, forever. If these...
Celeb Fetish Files
Celebrities are people too. They laugh; they cry; they love and feel loss…and sometimes indulge in the sweet stank of a woman’s foot. U.K. heartthrob and all-around genius actor Idris Elba can speak to the latter, though perhaps not without blushing. When promoting the film The Mountain Between Us with Kate Winslet, the Titanic actress...
The Real Fake News: EPA to Crack Down on Environment
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid concern surrounding his recent appointment of a smoldering raccoon carcass to the EPA’s Science Advisory Board, EPA head Scott Pruitt has doubled down on his controversial leadership, calling for the “complete and total elimination of the environment by 2024.” “In the entire history of mankind, any person who’s ever died, ever, has had...
Stoners & Boners
If you worry that too much pot is hindering your sex life, fret no more, because science has stepped up with some sweet vindication to offset your chronic paranoia. “Doctor, is marijuana responsible for my lackluster sexual performance?” The question comes up often enough that one physician decided to look into it and, oddly, found...
Is Your Sex Toy Secure?
Before you invest in that vibrating Bluetooth butt plug, a word of warning: Use password protection, and don’t choose an idiot configuration like 0000 or 1234. Because the future is now, and anyone can hack into anything. See where this is going? Modern toys can be downright fun. Wires are such a nuisance, and sex...
Let Porn Be My Armor
Resolving neighborly tensions is no fun. Some people choose mediation, while others leave passive-aggressive letters in the mailbox. Then there’s Donald Gene Gaither of Oklahoma, whose epic rampage makes Michael Douglas’s turn in Falling Down seem like a baby’s tantrum in comparison. Gaither, 49, who looks like Charlie Manson on a bad day, was arrested...
Pan Pan, the Banging Panda
Unless you’ve been living under a rock in a cave on Mars, you’d know that March 16 is National Panda Day. And as you celebrate the majesty of nature’s bamboo-loving clowns, take a somber moment this year to remember an extraordinary bear who changed the goddamn world. The term “insatiable fuck machine” is thrown around...
Michael & Rudy
Two men in their 40s, Michael and Rudy, croaked and found themselves together at the gates of heaven. “How did you get here?” Michael asked. “Hypothermia,” Rudy told him. “What happened to you?” “Long story,” Michael said. “I was sure my wife was screwing around on me, so I came home early from work one...
An Old Farmer
An old farmer dropped his truck off at the mechanic for a tune-up. Told it would take a few hours, he decided to walk home. On the way he bought a bucket and a gallon of paint at the hardware store. The farmer stopped at the feed store next and picked up two live chickens...
