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June 2024

Misha Cross and Agatha Vega
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Latest Politics

Asshole of the Month: Louie Gohmert

If you think George W. Bush is the most backward buffoon ever to come out of Texas, think again. Dubya’s reign may soon be upstaged by another inbred spawn of the Loon Star state— Republican Representative Louie Gohmert. A blunt-speaking darling of the Tea Party crowd, Gohmert’s reactionary philosophy is summed up in this statement:...

Asshole of the Month: Rafael Cruz

This month’s asshole is the only thing on this planet that could make us feel sorry for Ted Cruz. Sure, a lot of people have fucked up dads. But the Tea Partying U.S. Senator from Texas was cursed with one so deeply twisted, it snuffed out his spirit to rebel much like an abortionist tearing...

Asshole of the Month: Tucker Carlson

Yes, this month’s millionaire turd manufacturer is so blandly semi-idiotic, we had to drink a crate of rubbing alcohol and smoke all granny’s meth before we could work up a rage. Nevertheless, we suspect an examination of this particular sphincter might offer a very valuable lesson, namely: How to become a common whore. Carlson is...

Asshole of the Month: Mia Love

If you want to make people think you’re not racist, sexist or anti-immigrant, jump into bed with a black, first-generation piece of ass. That’s what the Republican Party did. Of course, the fact that you’re banging a black chick will gradually wear off, and eventually you’ll have to stop talking and acting like a sexist,...

Asshole of the Month: Andrea Tantaros

This month’s assholette is only 35 years old, which is like puberty for the true shit heel. Assholes get more bitter and twisted over the years, eventually piling up more hemorrhoids of hate than any ointment could ever remedy. This Fox News floozy is well on her way to that fate. But since she’s only...

Asshole of the Month: Brian Kilmeade

Well, isn’t this fucking typical? HUSTLER Magazine—aka Spread Vaginas Monthly—goes after some Fox News creep for being a sexist pig! Point taken. But unlike most of the world that hates this repugnant donkey dropping for his recent wife-beating joke, we’ve been detesting him for a long time and for a lot more than his casual...

Asshole of the Month: Dinesh D’Souza

As the current issue went to press, this month’s shit stain was weeping tears of phony contrition in a pathetic attempt to stay out of jail for violating campaign finance laws. Just in case the federal judge wimps out and lets him brainwash kids as “community service” rather than serve the time he deserves, we...

2014 Voter’s Guide

Goddamn, there sure are a lot of assholes trying to get elected these days! But the shit-fer-brains candidates already in office are even worse since they tend to be tougher to beat. Here’s our election-year manure pile of top 10 incumbent national threats you should NOT vote for on November 4th. That is, unless you...

Asshole of the Month: Rick Perry

At first glance you might think that Rick Perry, the Republican governor of Texas, is good-looking. A kind of Marlboro Man—the quintessential American cowboy. That probably explains why he’s been able to stay in office so long—since 2000, when he replaced George W. Bush. In fact, both men share that cowboy mystique. But if you...

Asshole of the Month: David Green

Since this month’s pile of manger manure couldn’t mind his own business and had to spend his senile years fucking with women’s rights, HUSTLER enlisted my help as a writer who actually knows something about uteruses and how they work since, unlike David Green, I actually have one. Brace yourself, David, to feel the righteous...
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