Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
The Real Fake News: EPA to Crack Down on Environment
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amid concern surrounding his recent appointment of a smoldering raccoon carcass to the EPA’s Science Advisory Board, EPA head Scott Pruitt has doubled down on his controversial leadership,...
Stoners & Boners
If you worry that too much pot is hindering your sex life, fret no more, because science has stepped up with some sweet vindication to offset your chronic paranoia. “Doctor, is marijuana responsible for my lackluster sexual performance?” The...
Boob Goggles
Like flying cars or teleportation, virtual reality technology had yet to align with our expectations of life in 2018. But then a Swiss-based tech firm went and changed everything by developing the first ever boob goggles. According to The Mirror,...
The Real Fake News: Prayer Eliminates Gun Violence
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The obligatory outpouring of thoughts and prayers in the wake the largest mass-shooting in modern American history has achieved what many thought impossible: “Since the recent horrors we...
The Greatest Show On Earth
Is there anything scarier than a clown? Pennywise, the shape-shifting nightmare monster from Stephen King’s It, is terror personified, but add kink to the mix and suddenly the big top becomes a completely different kind...
Blow, Baby, Blow
Hurricane relief just got a whole lot sexier. File under, “Only in Florida”: Hurricane victims left frustrated in the wake of Irma’s destruction were offered the sweet sexual relief they so desperately needed when FEMA “accidentally”...
The Titty Committee
Millennials, the most coveted marketing demographic on the block, are much maligned and oft misunderstood. What we do know is that they’re underemployed, overeducated and wizards at social media. And now another revelation: They’re just not that...
Man Down: Dick Drama
An erect penis can get into a lot of trouble under the wrong circumstances. No, you cannot break your dick, but there’s still a whole lot of horrible, cringe-worthy stuff that can happen to it with or without your help. A vacuum cleaner is not a...
Panties For Profit
A former cleaner from London, England, is raking in the pounds. What’s her secret? Good old-fashioned grit, know-how and a knack for turning dirty laundry into cash money. Financial domination is well-worn territory, but the woman who goes by...
Royals Talk Dirty
Princess Diana was a living saint adored by millions. Then she was assassinated as part of an Illuminati conspiracy to assure Charles’ ascension to the throne. Or not. We may never know for sure. Until then we’ll just have to be satisfied with...
The Real Fake News: Donald Trump Cancels 2020 Election
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In shocking early morning tweets yesterday, President Trump announced that he was canceling the 2020 elections because “No useful purpose is served by going ahead with them,...
Glitch Porn
Is it scrambled pay-per-view sex? Corrupt video? An acid flashback? Introducing glitch porn, a new lo-fi obsession in an HD world. Gritty, grainy and distorted, glitch porn borrows heavily from vaporwave, an internet art form that fetishizes late...
Long Live Sex!
Do you know what telomeres are? They are about to improve your sex life. If at times it seems like getting your lady into bed involves cajoling or bargaining or standing on your fucking head, then this news is for you. Turns out all you need is...
The Real Fake News: Benedict Arnold Is Innocent
“It was a 20-minute meeting mainly about adoptions and the weather. Nothing came of it.” —General Benedict Arnold WASHINGTON, D.C.—A “treasure trove” of new documents discovered in the National...
Dick-ometrics
You’ve heard of biometrics, but one live-cam site is taking identification protocols far beyond retinal scans, into extremely intimate territory. CamSoda requests that its subscribers log in with their dick pic. In an interview with CNET, the...
Prison Perks
Rise of the machines? Seems like it was only a matter of time before drones made humans obsolete—specifically the brave men and women who keister drugs and SIM cards into penitentiaries. As reported by The Verge, a USA Today study found that...
Fap to the Future
Porn lovers, our prayers have finally been answered—no longer must we lay our dignity on the line to masturbate in front of the computer screen. Relax and enjoy your wank without the constant fear of someone walking in on you, because minimeyes...
The Real Fake News: Pillory Hillary?
It’s been nearly a year since President Clinton was elected to office by a landslide in both the popular vote and Electoral College. Her victory came easy after the FBI found strong evidence of Russian collusion on...
ISIS Crisis
ISIS was plunged into disarray today after a leading Muslim cleric announced that martyrs dying for Allah will not be rewarded with 72 virgins, but with just one 72- year-old virgin. According to the Akhand of Swat, known widely as “the Sage of...
Death by Dick
Richard Patterson, 65, was recently acquitted of second-degree murder after trial arguments pointed to the fact that his partner’s death was an accident—poor woman might have choked on his prick. Where else could this craziness have happened but...
Spoiler Alert: Jackie O Loved Money
When will Americans end their obsession with Jackie O? Never. The iconoclastic First Lady has forever been fawned over for being beautiful, soft-spoken, graceful and elegant. Jackie O was so perfect, it’s hard to even...
The Real Fake News: Trump Seeks Asylum in Russia
As the likelihood of President Trump’s impeachment grows, a new shock leak from the White House reveals that he is desperately seeking political asylum in Moscow. “It’s what we call the Edward Snowden...
