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“We here at Fox News are successful because you, the viewers, are…”

“We here at Fox News are successful because you, the viewers, are gullible idiots, and we can say that because, well, you’re gullible idiots.”...

humor

While walking through a park, Toby noticed an eye-catcher sitting on a bench.

While walking through a park, Toby noticed an eye-catcher sitting on a bench. Stepping up to her, he remarked, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” “You just want to fuck me,” the gal snorted. “Wow!” Tony cried. “You’re smart too!”...

humor

“Oh, it’s Karen, my neighbor from across the hall.”

humor

“Don’t ever say I don’t take you anywhere!”

“Don’t ever say I don’t take you anywhere!”...

humor

“So this 600-year-old Noah dude builds this gigantic boat, and he puts a pair of every living creature on it. Then the whole planet gets flooded-but evolution is a ridiculous concept?”

“So this 600-year-old Noah dude builds this gigantic boat, and he puts a pair of every living creature on it. Then the whole planet gets flooded-but evolution is a ridiculous concept?”...

politics

Toxic Reality

So here we go again. Another grand electoral battle in the world’s most celebrated democracy decided by largely ignorant voters heeding the power of money to deceive. Effectively befuddling the public with false arguments and insignificant choices, the 2012 Presidential election resolved nothing while leaving the nation in dire straits. The reason is that the...

politics

We’re Not All Criminals and Terrorists

I was shocked and very pleased to see “Police Chiefs Urge Limits on Use of Drones” headlining a USA Today article. As more local police departments acquire—or anticipate “deputizing”— unmanned aircraft to conduct surveillance from our own skies, what could be troubling the mighty International Association of Chiefs of Police, whose members want to ride...

politics

Asshole of the Month: Greg Gutfeld

We weren’t sure Fox News’ late-night laxative had what it takes to be worthy of the world’s most feared award. But once we scratched his smarmy surface, we found enough shit to fill ten assholes. Greg Gutfeld got our attention with his potshots at HUSTLER’s publisher. “Larry Flynt is incapable of hypocrisy because he lacks standards...

politics

Going South

Are old white men genuinely nuts, or are they just throwing a collective tantrum? What is it about the Barack Obama Presidency that pushes so many of them over the edge? In this past election, white codgers—joined by some younger men who are dumb beyond their years—were exposed as the only major demographic group in...

politics

Asshole of the Month: Roy Moore

In America’s race for stupidest state, the results are in. Alabama is home to enough troglodytes to actually reelect Roy Moore as the state’s chief justice. This shit for brains with hair plugs was ousted by Alabama’s own Court of the Judiciary back in 2003 for blowing tons of taxpayer dollars on a hunk of...

politics

Who’s the Criminal?

What is the crime for which Bradley Manning faces life in prison after being tortured by his own government for two years? The Army private first class is charged with having “aided the enemy” in violation of the Espionage Act. But who is the “enemy” he aided, other than his fellow Americans, who were alerted...

politics

Don’t Let Your Face Turn You In

The science fiction I used to read years ago was only mildly adventurous and rather amusing compared to our government’s real-life bag of tricks. Did you know that high-tech wizardry is making us instantly and suspiciously recognizable to Big Brother? Brace yourself for “FBI’s Facial Recognition Is Coming to a State Near You,” a chilling...

politics

Earth First! Strikes Back

In 1990—23 years ago this month—Judi Bari was critically injured by a car bomb, and fellow activist Darryl Cherney was nearly blinded. The FBI and Oakland Police Department immediately accused the two environmentalists of bombing themselves. Who Bombed Judi Bari?—produced by Cherney and directed by Mary Liz Thomson—chronicles the activists’ ongoing investigation into the FBI’s...

politics

Wholesale Charade

Hallelujah! Every four years there’s a Presidential election, and We the People should be excited about this exercise of our Constitutionally guaranteed democratic rights. Wrong! It’s a pathetic charade that has nothing at all to do with the sort of republic of the free stakeholders that the founders of this nation had in mind when...

politics

Education Is Flunking

We know that the No Child Left Behind law—the lingering legacy of the George W. Bush Administration—requires standardized testing to measure elementary-school students’ proficiency in reading and math. But with emphasis placed on those learning tools, with a regimen of tests and more tests, many thousands of youngsters are deficient in history, civics, the arts...

politics

Asshole of the Month: Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee sees the world through the lens of a bizarre horror flick. Demons are everywhere, tempting him with buckets of deep-fried sin that only he and his band of white, male Christian warriors have the strength to resist. Some days the demons are whiny liberals who want equal rights for everyone. Other days they’re...

politics

Greedonomics

Let me tell you how screwed we are. Better yet, let me once again quote my favorite economist, the late Beatle John Lennon. I’ve frequently cited the words he sang in “Working Class Hero” because they make the most salient point concerning our devastated economy: “A working class hero is something to be/Keep you doped...

politics

Raping the Bill of Rights

Much to my dismay, I saw little notice, let alone celebrations, around the country on the recent 221st anniversary of the Bill of Rights. Those initial ten amendments to the Constitution guarantee our most essential individual liberties. But on the occasion the Wall Street Journal ran “U.S. Terrorism Agency to Tap a Vast Database of...

politics

Asshole of the Month: Mark R. Levin

This month’s addition to the asinine shitpile has such a twisted idea of patriotism, he’d sue the government if it tried to regulate fireworks that backfired on kids. As president of the notorious Landmark Legal Foundation, Mark R. Levin has positioned himself as the new ideologue behind the conservative push for a new hard-right, antiliberal,...

politics

Outsourcing Torture

If you are the least bit squeamish, don’t read “Globalizing Torture: CIA Secret Detention and Extraordinary Rendition,” an Open Society Justice Initiative report published by the Open Society Foundations. The OSF was established by philanthropist George Soros, one of the handful of the super rich still guided by a moral compass. Soros was a Hungarian...

politics

Congress Tunes Its “Instrument Of Villainy”

My most exciting memory of growing up in Boston during the Great Depression was learning how our independence was born. A pivotal event occurred in 1761 in a Boston courtroom. Lawyer James Otis Jr. spent nearly five hours arguing against extension of the “writs of assistance,” which British officials drew up themselves—like today’s FBI does—so...

politics

Asshole of the Month: Carmen Ortiz

Will dragging the name of U.S. Attorney for Massachusetts Carmen Ortiz through the shit bring back Internet martyr Aaron Swartz? No, but it’ll serve more justice than the poor guy ever got at the hands of this sadistic inquisitor. Ortiz is a bitter reminder that sometimes the good guys lose and the war must go...

politics

Killed!

If you’ve been swallowing mainstream news from CNN, Fox News, MSNBC or even the New York Times, you’re not getting the whole picture. Corporate-owned broadcasters and publishers suppress stories that threaten their profits and their cozy relations with secretive government agencies. Thanks to our friends at Project Censored, here’s our list of stories that Big...

politics

The FBI’s Accelerating War on Freedom

Among the chief celebrators of the Presidential reelection of the most voracious Big Brother in our history was the FBI, Barack Obama’s tireless partner in putting this country under ubiquitous surveillance. But like the master spy in the White House, the FBI’s head honcho has yet to be satisfied. Robert Mueller’s zeal has not waned...

politics

Orwellian Decision

Why did we go so crazy after 9/11? The idea that somehow our freedoms could be easily sacrificed, including those that our Constitution declared most fundamental to the survival of our republic, became the norm. This past February, more than a decade after attacks that would seem relatively minor in the histories of most war-torn...

politics

Humanizing ALL of America’s Murder Victims?

Dorothy Day, founder of the Catholic Worker Movement, was a nonviolent, direct-action enabler of social justice whom I was privileged to know. In New York City she organized the first civil-disobedience protest against U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War, and I was there protesting. Carrying on the late activist’s unflinching spirit is the Los Angeles...

politics

Asshole of the Month: Ted Cruz

In the proud tradition of our very own Graffilthy, let’s kick off this crapfest with a verse cribbed from a shithouse stall: “Here I sit, my buns a flexin’. Just gave birth to another Texan!” The Lone Star Stater this time is the Tea Party pile we like to call Turd Cruz. Now brace yourselves...

politics

Kiss Your Privacy Goodbye

Ever read the Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution? Probably not, or you—like most Americans—would not be so accepting of its demise as a pillar of the freedoms guaranteed to us by the Bill of Rights. The Fourth is the one that guarantees “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses,...

politics

Bold Move

Impressed by his insistent, often-solitary championing of civil liberties in the U.S. Senate, I twice wrote that Rand Paul should be our next President. But at that time I knew it was just a pipe dream because the Republican’s national name recognition was so low. Now, thanks to his filibuster during the Senate’s ultimate confirmation...

politics

Asshole of the Month: Pope Francis

With the mainstream media hailing the new pope as a cuddly, squeaky-clean messiah for the shamed and shit-stained Catholic Church, it looks like it’s up to HUSTLER—and a few diligent historians—to do the journalistic dirty work. Formerly known as Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio from Argentina, the new human hotline to heaven may have dropped his old...

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