Bits & Pieces

Articles with unfiltered opinions

Cartoons

Illustrated monthly funnies

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Parodies

Unapologetic political satire

close slideout
Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
Magazine new arrow

May 2025

Featuring Tavia
Join HUSTLER Magazine trial promo image

Intro Offer:
3 days for only $0.99!

Search

Don’t Let Your Face Turn You In

The science fiction I used to read years ago was only mildly adventurous and rather amusing compared to our government’s real-life bag of tricks. Did you know that high-tech wizardry is making us instantly and suspiciously recognizable to Big Brother? Brace yourself for “FBI’s Facial Recognition Is Coming to a State Near You,” a chilling...

Earth First! Strikes Back

In 1990—23 years ago this month—Judi Bari was critically injured by a car bomb, and fellow activist Darryl Cherney was nearly blinded. The FBI and Oakland Police Department immediately accused the two environmentalists of bombing themselves. Who Bombed Judi Bari?—produced by Cherney and directed by Mary Liz Thomson—chronicles the activists’ ongoing investigation into the FBI’s...

Wholesale Charade

Hallelujah! Every four years there’s a Presidential election, and We the People should be excited about this exercise of our Constitutionally guaranteed democratic rights. Wrong! It’s a pathetic charade that has nothing at all to do with the sort of republic of the free stakeholders that the founders of this nation had in mind when...

Education Is Flunking

We know that the No Child Left Behind law—the lingering legacy of the George W. Bush Administration—requires standardized testing to measure elementary-school students’ proficiency in reading and math. But with emphasis placed on those learning tools, with a regimen of tests and more tests, many thousands of youngsters are deficient in history, civics, the arts...

Asshole of the Month: Mike Huckabee

Mike Huckabee sees the world through the lens of a bizarre horror flick. Demons are everywhere, tempting him with buckets of deep-fried sin that only he and his band of white, male Christian warriors have the strength to resist. Some days the demons are whiny liberals who want equal rights for everyone. Other days they’re...

Greedonomics

Let me tell you how screwed we are. Better yet, let me once again quote my favorite economist, the late Beatle John Lennon. I’ve frequently cited the words he sang in “Working Class Hero” because they make the most salient point concerning our devastated economy: “A working class hero is something to be/Keep you doped...

Raping the Bill of Rights

Much to my dismay, I saw little notice, let alone celebrations, around the country on the recent 221st anniversary of the Bill of Rights. Those initial ten amendments to the Constitution guarantee our most essential individual liberties. But on the occasion the Wall Street Journal ran “U.S. Terrorism Agency to Tap a Vast Database of...

Asshole of the Month: Mark R. Levin

This month’s addition to the asinine shitpile has such a twisted idea of patriotism, he’d sue the government if it tried to regulate fireworks that backfired on kids. As president of the notorious Landmark Legal Foundation, Mark R. Levin has positioned himself as the new ideologue behind the conservative push for a new hard-right, antiliberal,...

Outsourcing Torture

If you are the least bit squeamish, don’t read “Globalizing Torture: CIA Secret Detention and Extraordinary Rendition,” an Open Society Justice Initiative report published by the Open Society Foundations. The OSF was established by philanthropist George Soros, one of the handful of the super rich still guided by a moral compass. Soros was a Hungarian...

Congress Tunes Its “Instrument Of Villainy”

My most exciting memory of growing up in Boston during the Great Depression was learning how our independence was born. A pivotal event occurred in 1761 in a Boston courtroom. Lawyer James Otis Jr. spent nearly five hours arguing against extension of the “writs of assistance,” which British officials drew up themselves—like today’s FBI does—so...

Asshole of the Month: Carmen Ortiz

Will dragging the name of U.S. Attorney for Massachusetts Carmen Ortiz through the shit bring back Internet martyr Aaron Swartz? No, but it’ll serve more justice than the poor guy ever got at the hands of this sadistic inquisitor. Ortiz is a bitter reminder that sometimes the good guys lose and the war must go...

Killed!

If you’ve been swallowing mainstream news from CNN, Fox News, MSNBC or even the New York Times, you’re not getting the whole picture. Corporate-owned broadcasters and publishers suppress stories that threaten their profits and their cozy relations with secretive government agencies. Thanks to our friends at Project Censored, here’s our list of stories that Big...

The FBI’s Accelerating War on Freedom

Among the chief celebrators of the Presidential reelection of the most voracious Big Brother in our history was the FBI, Barack Obama’s tireless partner in putting this country under ubiquitous surveillance. But like the master spy in the White House, the FBI’s head honcho has yet to be satisfied. Robert Mueller’s zeal has not waned...

Orwellian Decision

Why did we go so crazy after 9/11? The idea that somehow our freedoms could be easily sacrificed, including those that our Constitution declared most fundamental to the survival of our republic, became the norm. This past February, more than a decade after attacks that would seem relatively minor in the histories of most war-torn...

Humanizing ALL of America’s Murder Victims?

Dorothy Day, founder of the Catholic Worker Movement, was a nonviolent, direct-action enabler of social justice whom I was privileged to know. In New York City she organized the first civil-disobedience protest against U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War, and I was there protesting. Carrying on the late activist’s unflinching spirit is the Los Angeles...

Asshole of the Month: Ted Cruz

In the proud tradition of our very own Graffilthy, let’s kick off this crapfest with a verse cribbed from a shithouse stall: “Here I sit, my buns a flexin’. Just gave birth to another Texan!” The Lone Star Stater this time is the Tea Party pile we like to call Turd Cruz. Now brace yourselves...

Kiss Your Privacy Goodbye

Ever read the Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution? Probably not, or you—like most Americans—would not be so accepting of its demise as a pillar of the freedoms guaranteed to us by the Bill of Rights. The Fourth is the one that guarantees “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses,...

Bold Move

Impressed by his insistent, often-solitary championing of civil liberties in the U.S. Senate, I twice wrote that Rand Paul should be our next President. But at that time I knew it was just a pipe dream because the Republican’s national name recognition was so low. Now, thanks to his filibuster during the Senate’s ultimate confirmation...

Asshole of the Month: Pope Francis

With the mainstream media hailing the new pope as a cuddly, squeaky-clean messiah for the shamed and shit-stained Catholic Church, it looks like it’s up to HUSTLER—and a few diligent historians—to do the journalistic dirty work. Formerly known as Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio from Argentina, the new human hotline to heaven may have dropped his old...

Stalkers Paradise

The snoopers are our new best friends? Unbelievable but true when, for the first time in human history, it is the norm for people to volunteer to be spied upon. Folks eagerly pay for the very apps that betray their privacy with a ruthless efficiency unmatched by the most oppressive tyrants of old. The secret...

Jazz Is Still Kickin’

I began reporting on jazz and knowing its key players in the late 1940s, also learning life lessons from them ever since. Tenor saxophonist Ben Webster advised, “Listen, kid, when the rhythm section ain’t making it, go for yourself!” I’ve done that in hassles with editors and wives. Obituaries for my favorite musical genre began...

Asshole of the Month: Ken Cuccinelli

What kind of absolute, total asshole tries to outlaw blowjobs? This one does. With his recent attempt to reinstate Virginia’s throwback “Crimes Against Nature” law, the state’s attorney general has once and for all declared himself the mortal enemy of all men. If Ken “The Cooch” Cuccinelli had his way, there’d be no oral sex,...

Immoral Values Republican

There’s hope yet for Larry Flynt. If a total sleazebag like Newt Gingrich can be embraced by the so-called Christian Right the way he has been in the Republican primaries, then a mere pornographer like Flynt should easily attain salvation or at least have a credible run for the Presidency. Even in his heyday, Larry...

Becoming A Lifelong Learner

All the growing furor about the vital need to reform education is based entirely on changing what happens in schools: making sure kids can go on to college, evaluating teachers to get rid of incompetents, broadening parents’ choices of schools. Does that mean that hordes of dropouts are doomed to poverty and uselessness? I’ve known...

These Are People Who Died

I read the obituaries every day. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. For my entire life, I have been afraid of death. I just can’t comprehend what it is like to not exist. My father, who was very wise, told me simply that I had been there already, before I was...

Asshole of the Month: Ann Coulter

When the name Ann Coulter is mentioned, a flood of words comes to mind: mean, angry, extremist, conservative, inflammatory, hideous, arrogant, male. Regarding that last adjective, we are speaking specifically of a male who is angry because he looks like a woman—sort of. You could throw the adjective ugly into the mix, but that’s probably...

Selling Out to Big Brother

The most sacred principle of American life, honored in our Constitution and throughout our history, is that of privacy—or as Larry Flynt puts it, “the right to be left alone.” But thanks to the information revolution, the government’s assault on privacy is now more pervasive, though largely invisible, than ever under any preexisting totalitarian government....

Military’s Invasion of Privacy

With more and more unmanned drones flying overhead, has the President or Congress told you that the U.S. Air Force, like the CIA, does not have the authority to conduct domestic “nonconsensual surveillance” unless the spying (so it says) is “accidental”? Secrecy scholar Steven Aftergood of the Federation of American Scientists dug up an Air...

Asshole of the Month: Darrell Issa

They say it takes a crook to catch a crook. Maybe that’s why the GOP chose Representative Darrell Issa (R-California) to head the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. This powerful committee is charged with investigating government operations (and looking for bad guys). You’re aware, no doubt, that Issa’s most recent target—having already chalked up...

Fukushima Radiation Slams Our Shores

On March 11, 2011, a massive earthquake and subsequent tsunami triggered a triple meltdown at the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant in Japan. An enormous amount of radiation was discharged by the calamity and continues to endanger mankind around the world. Now it’s been acknowledged that human error is to blame. In July 2012 a...

HUSTLER Picks

  • Brushing Up on Going Down: The Pros’ Guide to Eating Pussy
  • The Business of Pleasure: How to Succeed in Sex Work (by Really Trying)
  • Three Is a Magic Number