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Pushin’ Cushions

Want to get paid to fuck? Well, then, baby, your ship has arrived. Welcome to the wonderful world of quality control. From the KUTV newsroom in Salt Lake City comes a story that could change your life. Sleep Standards is a sleeping research and advice company, and a few months ago they came out with...

humor

His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation

His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. They discussed the request and decided that whenever his family expanded, his pay would increase as well. After six children this got expensive, and the congregation held a meeting. A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued...

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Dad, is there a God?

humor

“Today the President fired the entire CIA…”

“Today the President fired the entire CIA for spreading fake news. The White House also ordered 300 cases of fortune cookies.”...

humor

You’ll love working here at the White House. President Trump doesn’t have a heart either.

“You’ll love working here at the White House. President Trump doesn’t have a heart either.”...

humor

“Baby, I can explain everything! It’ll take me a little time, but I can do it!”

“Baby, I can explain everything! It’ll take me a little time, but I can do it!”...

humor

“Hey, stable genius! Guess what you’re not getting anymore! That’s my great and unmatched wisdom!”

“Hey, stable genius! Guess what you’re not getting anymore! That’s my great and unmatched wisdom!”...

humor

“Did you know that Jesus died for your sins? Forgiveness should include a discount!”

“Did you know that Jesus died for your sins? Forgiveness should include a discount!”...

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“I agree with God-fearing conservative constituents, who believe that gay marriage is sinful and wrong – although the thought of two naked chicks getting it on does give me a boner!”

“I agree with God-fearing conservative constituents, who believe that gay marriage is sinful and wrong – although the thought of two naked chicks getting it on does give me a boner!”...

humor

“I’m depressed, Mickey. My mom cut me off. The next time I suck titties will be junior high!”

“I’m depressed, Mickey. My mom cut me off. The next time I suck titties will be junior high!”...

humor

“Welcome, Senators, to Congressional Training 101.”

“Welcome, Senators, to Congressional Training 101.”...

humor

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

Question: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? Answer: All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary....

humor

S3x Worker Superheroes

You know what would really help break up that quarantine boredom? A set of sexy-ass collectible trading cards to pore over. And what if, in purchasing said cards, you would be helping to support the LGBTQI and sex worker communities? Why, that would make you a goddamn hero. This pandemic has been a rough ride...

humor

The Doctor Is In!

File under “E” for effort? The University of Mississippi got a lesson in fact-checking in September when Ole Miss announced it would honor healthcare workers by adorning stadium drinking cups with workers’ images. Great idea, except for one teeny little oversight: No one realized that the photo they selected was actually of Steven Wolfe, aka...

humor

Better Sex Now

Remember growing up and always being told that the only limit to potential is your imagination? My friends, it’s time to tap into that creative wellspring. Health authorities are unequivocal in their pandemic guidelines: The safest sex right now is masturbation. Maybe you live with your partner, in which case, count your blessings. Alternately, Canadian...

humor

One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus…

One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus asking for a little brother. Santa wrote back and told the kid to send his mother....

humor

When Sex Isn’t Sex

As the world burns, those of us responsible enough to stay inside are binging the hell out of whatever the streaming platforms have to offer. Maybe you caught the recent TV adaptation of Get Shorty, available now on Netflix. Starring Ray Romano, the show has viewers talking—and not just about the solid writing and seamless...

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Hardcore & Chill

You know—just thinking out loud here—watching porn doesn’t have to be a uniquely solitary experience. If you’re a male reading this, you might be surprised to know how many women read HUSTLER. And if you’re a woman reading this, hi! Thanks for being awesome! We’ve reached a point in existence where porn is increasingly normalized...

humor

The Blooper Reel

Don’t you hate it when you spend all day preparing to carry out a fake home invasion only to find out that someone gave you the wrong address? And then, when you try to explain to the owner that it’s just an elaborate role-play fantasy, they still have the audacity to call the cops? Yeah,...

humor

What’s long hard and has cum in it?

Question: What’s long, hard and has cum in it? Answer: A cucumber, but we like the way you think....

humor

Jim’s wife was madder than hell.

Jim’s wife was madder than hell. “I can’t believe you’ve been having sex with prostitutes!” she screamed. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” Jim countered. “It’s not like I’ve been getting any from you lately.” “That’s your damn fault!” his wife snapped. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”...

humor

Frannie had been the Smiths’ maid for only a few months.

Frannie had been the Smiths’ maid for only a few months. Nevertheless, one morning she went up to Mrs. Smith—a gorgeous blonde in her late 20s—and said, “I’d like a pay raise.” “Why do you think you deserve a raise?” the lady of the house asked. “Three reasons,” Frannie replied. “First, I can cook better...

humor

Help! I pay more taxes than Donald Trump.

humor

A state trooper pulled over 87-year-old Agnes for speeding.

A state trooper pulled over 87-year-old Agnes for speeding. As he looked at her driver’s license, he noticed that a concealed-weapon permit was attached to it. Taken aback, the trooper couldn’t help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession now, ma’am?” In a crackly voice, Agnes replied, “I have a .45 automatic...

humor

Safe and Sexy

Yes, the world is falling apart at an exponential rate, but goddammit, we’re going to look sexy while it’s happening. No one really wants to wear a face mask all the time, but on the other hand, we’re kind of psyched to stay alive. So we wear our masks, and we make the best of...