Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
Question: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? Answer: All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary....
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S3x Worker Superheroes
You know what would really help break up that quarantine boredom? A set of sexy-ass collectible trading cards to pore over. And what if, in purchasing said cards, you would be helping to support the LGBTQI and sex worker communities? Why, that would make you a goddamn hero. This pandemic has been a rough ride...
The Doctor Is In!
File under “E” for effort? The University of Mississippi got a lesson in fact-checking in September when Ole Miss announced it would honor healthcare workers by adorning stadium drinking cups with workers’ images. Great idea, except for one teeny little oversight: No one realized that the photo they selected was actually of Steven Wolfe, aka...
Better Sex Now
Remember growing up and always being told that the only limit to potential is your imagination? My friends, it’s time to tap into that creative wellspring. Health authorities are unequivocal in their pandemic guidelines: The safest sex right now is masturbation. Maybe you live with your partner, in which case, count your blessings. Alternately, Canadian...
One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus…
One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus asking for a little brother. Santa wrote back and told the kid to send his mother....
When Sex Isn’t Sex
As the world burns, those of us responsible enough to stay inside are binging the hell out of whatever the streaming platforms have to offer. Maybe you caught the recent TV adaptation of Get Shorty, available now on Netflix. Starring Ray Romano, the show has viewers talking—and not just about the solid writing and seamless...
Hardcore & Chill
You know—just thinking out loud here—watching porn doesn’t have to be a uniquely solitary experience. If you’re a male reading this, you might be surprised to know how many women read HUSTLER. And if you’re a woman reading this, hi! Thanks for being awesome! We’ve reached a point in existence where porn is increasingly normalized...
The Blooper Reel
Don’t you hate it when you spend all day preparing to carry out a fake home invasion only to find out that someone gave you the wrong address? And then, when you try to explain to the owner that it’s just an elaborate role-play fantasy, they still have the audacity to call the cops? Yeah,...
What’s long hard and has cum in it?
Question: What’s long, hard and has cum in it? Answer: A cucumber, but we like the way you think....
Jim’s wife was madder than hell.
Jim’s wife was madder than hell. “I can’t believe you’ve been having sex with prostitutes!” she screamed. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” Jim countered. “It’s not like I’ve been getting any from you lately.” “That’s your damn fault!” his wife snapped. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”...
Frannie had been the Smiths’ maid for only a few months.
Frannie had been the Smiths’ maid for only a few months. Nevertheless, one morning she went up to Mrs. Smith—a gorgeous blonde in her late 20s—and said, “I’d like a pay raise.” “Why do you think you deserve a raise?” the lady of the house asked. “Three reasons,” Frannie replied. “First, I can cook better...
A state trooper pulled over 87-year-old Agnes for speeding.
A state trooper pulled over 87-year-old Agnes for speeding. As he looked at her driver’s license, he noticed that a concealed-weapon permit was attached to it. Taken aback, the trooper couldn’t help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession now, ma’am?” In a crackly voice, Agnes replied, “I have a .45 automatic...
Safe and Sexy
Yes, the world is falling apart at an exponential rate, but goddammit, we’re going to look sexy while it’s happening. No one really wants to wear a face mask all the time, but on the other hand, we’re kind of psyched to stay alive. So we wear our masks, and we make the best of...
“I’m angry and stupid. I need to be armed.”
“I’m angry and stupid. I need to be armed.”...
“Ah’m tired of gettin’ in touch with my feelings!”
“Ah’m tired of gettin’ in touch with my feelings! I wanna get in touch with mah wife’s pussy!”...
“She’s not bad. The attic may be empty, but the basement is full.”
“She’s not bad. The attic may be empty, but the basement is full.”...
“We here at Fox News are successful because you, the viewers, are…”
“We here at Fox News are successful because you, the viewers, are gullible idiots, and we can say that because, well, you’re gullible idiots.”...
While walking through a park, Toby noticed an eye-catcher sitting on a bench.
While walking through a park, Toby noticed an eye-catcher sitting on a bench. Stepping up to her, he remarked, “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.” “You just want to fuck me,” the gal snorted. “Wow!” Tony cried. “You’re smart too!”...
“Don’t ever say I don’t take you anywhere!”
“Don’t ever say I don’t take you anywhere!”...
“So this 600-year-old Noah dude builds this gigantic boat, and he puts a pair of every living creature on it. Then the whole planet gets flooded-but evolution is a ridiculous concept?”
“So this 600-year-old Noah dude builds this gigantic boat, and he puts a pair of every living creature on it. Then the whole planet gets flooded-but evolution is a ridiculous concept?”...
Toxic Reality
So here we go again. Another grand electoral battle in the world’s most celebrated democracy decided by largely ignorant voters heeding the power of money to deceive. Effectively befuddling the public with false arguments and insignificant choices, the 2012 Presidential election resolved nothing while leaving the nation in dire straits. The reason is that the...
We’re Not All Criminals and Terrorists
I was shocked and very pleased to see “Police Chiefs Urge Limits on Use of Drones” headlining a USA Today article. As more local police departments acquire—or anticipate “deputizing”— unmanned aircraft to conduct surveillance from our own skies, what could be troubling the mighty International Association of Chiefs of Police, whose members want to ride...
Asshole of the Month: Greg Gutfeld
We weren’t sure Fox News’ late-night laxative had what it takes to be worthy of the world’s most feared award. But once we scratched his smarmy surface, we found enough shit to fill ten assholes. Greg Gutfeld got our attention with his potshots at HUSTLER’s publisher. “Larry Flynt is incapable of hypocrisy because he lacks standards...
Going South
Are old white men genuinely nuts, or are they just throwing a collective tantrum? What is it about the Barack Obama Presidency that pushes so many of them over the edge? In this past election, white codgers—joined by some younger men who are dumb beyond their years—were exposed as the only major demographic group in...
Asshole of the Month: Roy Moore
In America’s race for stupidest state, the results are in. Alabama is home to enough troglodytes to actually reelect Roy Moore as the state’s chief justice. This shit for brains with hair plugs was ousted by Alabama’s own Court of the Judiciary back in 2003 for blowing tons of taxpayer dollars on a hunk of...
Who’s the Criminal?
What is the crime for which Bradley Manning faces life in prison after being tortured by his own government for two years? The Army private first class is charged with having “aided the enemy” in violation of the Espionage Act. But who is the “enemy” he aided, other than his fellow Americans, who were alerted...
