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Hear, Hear! In Praise of Aural Sex
Audio porn has been around for a while. It can be hot as hell and both a welcome diversion and powerful alternative to video. But whereas once there was maybe only a handful of decent audio options, content is now exploding at an exponential rate. Listen closely as we round up the best of aural...
A wife exclaimed, “Honey, the vacuum isn’t sucking!”
A wife exclaimed, “Honey, the vacuum isn’t sucking!” “Frustrating, isn’t it?” her hubby snorted....
HUSTLER Wisdom: If you get an email with the subject “Knock, knock”…
If you get an email with the subject “Knock, knock,” don’t open it. The message is from a Jehovah’s Witness working at home....
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate…
If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A—has intimacy issues; B—is frigid; or C—needs to sit somewhere else on the bus....
Did you hear about the guy who gave up smoking, drinking and sex?
Did you hear about the guy who gave up smoking, drinking and sex? He didn’t live longer; time just went by much slower....
Pushin’ Cushions
Want to get paid to fuck? Well, then, baby, your ship has arrived. Welcome to the wonderful world of quality control. From the KUTV newsroom in Salt Lake City comes a story that could change your life. Sleep Standards is a sleeping research and advice company, and a few months ago they came out with...
His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation
His wife was expecting a baby, so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. They discussed the request and decided that whenever his family expanded, his pay would increase as well. After six children this got expensive, and the congregation held a meeting. A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued...
“Today the President fired the entire CIA…”
“Today the President fired the entire CIA for spreading fake news. The White House also ordered 300 cases of fortune cookies.”...
You’ll love working here at the White House. President Trump doesn’t have a heart either.
“You’ll love working here at the White House. President Trump doesn’t have a heart either.”...
“Baby, I can explain everything! It’ll take me a little time, but I can do it!”
“Baby, I can explain everything! It’ll take me a little time, but I can do it!”...
“Hey, stable genius! Guess what you’re not getting anymore! That’s my great and unmatched wisdom!”
“Hey, stable genius! Guess what you’re not getting anymore! That’s my great and unmatched wisdom!”...
“Did you know that Jesus died for your sins? Forgiveness should include a discount!”
“Did you know that Jesus died for your sins? Forgiveness should include a discount!”...
“I agree with God-fearing conservative constituents, who believe that gay marriage is sinful and wrong – although the thought of two naked chicks getting it on does give me a boner!”
“I agree with God-fearing conservative constituents, who believe that gay marriage is sinful and wrong – although the thought of two naked chicks getting it on does give me a boner!”...
“I’m depressed, Mickey. My mom cut me off. The next time I suck titties will be junior high!”
“I’m depressed, Mickey. My mom cut me off. The next time I suck titties will be junior high!”...
“Welcome, Senators, to Congressional Training 101.”
“Welcome, Senators, to Congressional Training 101.”...
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
Question: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? Answer: All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary....
S3x Worker Superheroes
You know what would really help break up that quarantine boredom? A set of sexy-ass collectible trading cards to pore over. And what if, in purchasing said cards, you would be helping to support the LGBTQI and sex worker communities? Why, that would make you a goddamn hero. This pandemic has been a rough ride...
The Doctor Is In!
File under “E” for effort? The University of Mississippi got a lesson in fact-checking in September when Ole Miss announced it would honor healthcare workers by adorning stadium drinking cups with workers’ images. Great idea, except for one teeny little oversight: No one realized that the photo they selected was actually of Steven Wolfe, aka...
Better Sex Now
Remember growing up and always being told that the only limit to potential is your imagination? My friends, it’s time to tap into that creative wellspring. Health authorities are unequivocal in their pandemic guidelines: The safest sex right now is masturbation. Maybe you live with your partner, in which case, count your blessings. Alternately, Canadian...
One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus…
One day a little boy sent a letter to Santa Claus asking for a little brother. Santa wrote back and told the kid to send his mother....
When Sex Isn’t Sex
As the world burns, those of us responsible enough to stay inside are binging the hell out of whatever the streaming platforms have to offer. Maybe you caught the recent TV adaptation of Get Shorty, available now on Netflix. Starring Ray Romano, the show has viewers talking—and not just about the solid writing and seamless...
Hardcore & Chill
You know—just thinking out loud here—watching porn doesn’t have to be a uniquely solitary experience. If you’re a male reading this, you might be surprised to know how many women read HUSTLER. And if you’re a woman reading this, hi! Thanks for being awesome! We’ve reached a point in existence where porn is increasingly normalized...
The Blooper Reel
Don’t you hate it when you spend all day preparing to carry out a fake home invasion only to find out that someone gave you the wrong address? And then, when you try to explain to the owner that it’s just an elaborate role-play fantasy, they still have the audacity to call the cops? Yeah,...
What’s long hard and has cum in it?
Question: What’s long, hard and has cum in it? Answer: A cucumber, but we like the way you think....
