“Fuck Eden! I’ll take penis over paradise any day of the week.”
“Fuck Eden! I’ll take penis over paradise any day of the week.”...
Bits & Pieces
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“I don’t remember his name, Sister—but he’s a heck of a salesman.”
“I don’t remember his name, Sister—but he’s a heck of a salesman.”...
“Hell, yeah, I like it straight, hard and up the ass! I’m a Republican girl who voted for Trump!”
“Hell, yeah, I like it straight, hard and up the ass! I’m a Republican girl who voted for Trump!”...
“Mr. Nordling, your wife has fallen into a coma. You see—completely unresponsive.”
“Mr. Nordling, your wife has fallen into a coma. You see—completely unresponsive.”...
Soaps Get Super Weird
If you’ve never given a shit about soap operas in the past, then prepare to have your world turnedupside-down with this incredible casting news. Remember the publicity campaign in June for the upcoming season of Black Mirror? It was an actual mirror with the caption, “Black Mirror 6th season. Live now, everywhere.” Terrifying, right? Still,...
(Un)faithfully Yours
The fight for human rights is a broad and complicated battle. Basic, inalienable freedoms many of us take for granted are constantly under attack by those who seek to silence and suppress. Democracy, reproductive rights, racial equality—even adultery. Sure, cheating may be ethically dubious, but it’s a choice any consenting adult should be allowed to...
DIY Lube
Olive oil? Yes. Sulphuric acid? No. It’s safe to say that everyone more or less has a grasp on the broad strokes of what can and can’t serve as lube. But there is a whole universe of products out there whose potential has yet to be fully actualized, and it seems we’ve only begun to...
“Hello, Larry Flynt?”
“Hello, Larry Flynt? I just want to thank you. My Albert has jerked off to your magazine every night for 46 years. If you ever stop publishing HUSTLER, I’m fucked!”...
This Shit is Bananas
The following is a sort of footnote to our overview of household products that can safely be used as lube (see “DIY Lube”). To be honest, it’s more of a warning: Despite what you’ve seen on Reddit, do not put your dick anywhere near a banana peel. The New York Post picked up on a...
Apocalypse Orgy
Blink and you missed it. A crudely photocopied, nondescript 8.5- by 11-inch flier, in black and white, with a picture of the Avengers. The accompanying text is so ludicrous, so obviously crazy, that one might find themselves reading it over and over again, caught in a vortex of “Huh?!” The city is Philadelphia, and the...
After a lot of soul-searching a long-time cheater told his buddy…
After a lot of soul-searching a long-time cheater told his buddy, “My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.”...
Pandemic Penis
Apologies for trotting out this old chestnut, but too much of a good thing is not always a good thing. Manhandling your penis should be kind of like how you treat alcohol: in moderation it’s fine, but if you down a bottle of tequila every day, then you are 100% going to die. Granted, death...
A man went into a store…
A man went into a store and asked a salesclerk, “In what aisle can I find Polish sausage?” The clerk replied, “Are you Polish?” Clearly offended, the customer said: “Yes, I am, but let me ask you something. If I had asked about salami, would you have asked me if I was Italian? Or if...
“Any chance I could sue Trump for stealing my intellectual property?”
“Any chance I could sue Trump for stealing my intellectual property?”...
A guy walked into a crowded bar. Waving an uholstered pistol…
A guy walked into a crowded bar. Waving an unholstered pistol, he yelled, “This is a .45-caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine, plus a slug in the chamber and I wanted to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!” A voice from the back of the bar called out, “You’re gonna need more ammo!”...
“I hated using this thing until I added the snack tray!”
“I hated using this thing until I added the snack tray!”...
Yeah, I saw it… but what’s he being punished for?
“Yeah, I saw it… but what’s he being punished for?”...
When I met your father, I knew he was the one, but I sure…
“When I met your father, I knew he was the one, but I sure had to suck a lot of strange dick before I got to him.”...
For the topic of his Sunday sermon a minister chose creation.
For the topic of his Sunday sermon a minister chose creation. “Man came first,” he began. Suddenly a woman at the back of the church shouted out, “Some things never fuckin’ change!”...
Just as a dentist leaned over a female patient…
Just as a dentist leaned over a female patient to begin working on a tooth, he was startled. “Excuse me, miss,” he gasped, “but those are my testicles you’re holding.” “I know,” the gal replied sweetly. “So let’s be careful not to hurt each other, okay?”...
A middle-aged man and his perpetually nagging wife went to Israel for a vacation.
A middle-aged man and his perpetually nagging wife went to Israel for a vacation. While in Jerusalem the woman suddenly died. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her body shipped home for $5,000.” The husband thought things over and said,...
No, Allen—doggy-style…
“No, Allen—doggy-style. That’s where you fuck me from behind!”...
A big-time executive came home and said to his wife…
A big-time executive came home and said to his wife, “I’ve been so busy, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.” The missus told him, “By the look on your face, you’re going. When you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”...
Teste Taste Test
Look, we’re all grown-ups here (unless we’re not, in which case, put this magazine back in your dad’s bedside drawer). Our bodies are our own, and you have the right to do whatever youwant with them, societal taboos de damned. We eat our boogers, we taste our sweat, we take joy in popping blackheads—sure, it’s...
“My wife started her own digital currency. It’s called Bitchcoin.”
“My wife started her own digital currency. It’s called Bitchcoin.”...
