Bits & Pieces
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“You stand in stark contrast to everything that is good and decent. When can you start?!”
“You stand in stark contrast to everything that is good and decent. When can you start?!”...
“You weren’t a child of love. You were a child of ‘Bend over, bitch. I’m fucking you from behind!'”
“You weren’t a child of love. You were a child of ‘Bend over, bitch. I’m fucking you from behind!'”...
“The drinks cost the same. We just don’t talk about Trump.”
“The drinks cost the same. We just don’t talk about Trump.”...
“Unfortunately, your arteries are harder than your erections.”
“Unfortunately, your arteries are harder than your erections.”...
“The prick never pays any attention to me anymore cuz he’s always jerkin’ off to computer porn!”
“The prick never pays any attention to me anymore cuz he’s always jerkin’ off to computer porn!”...
“To tell you the truth, I’m more interested in older men.”
“To tell you the truth, I’m more interested in older men.”...
“That’s what he ordered for his last meal.”
“That’s what he ordered for his last meal.”...
“‘Thou shalt not kill’?! ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness’?!! ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’?! You can’t run a government like that!!!”
“‘Thou shalt not kill’?! ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness’?!! ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’?! You can’t run a government like that!!!”...
I don’t recognize the legitimacy of this federal government, but…
“I don’t recognize the legitimacy of this federal government, but they better not fuck with my Medicare and Social Security check!”...
Sign O’ the Times
We here at HUSTLER are fascinated by the sex lives of the British. Under the covers, they’re just so unabashed and raunchy, and yet outwardly everything appears so proper, perhaps due to those years of living under the chaste yolk of a strict monarchy. Anyway, a recently revealed scandal was just too cute not to...
Porn Goes Viral
If art is society’s mirror, then that goes double for porn in times of calamity. Like clockwork, we are already seeing the emergence of COVID-19-themed porn, and as you may have already guessed, it’s a bit weird. On the one hand, people are dying and this is a global crisis with no precedent in the...
A Hustler’s Always Prepared
We get it—you’re fed up. All you see and hear is coronavirus this, COVID-19 that, recession, Armageddon, blah blah blah. But this is important, so listen up, because HUSTLER cares about you. To quote the Bard, the readiness is all. But not all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer in the world will save you...
Marriage is all about semantics
“Marriage is all about semantics. Once they say ‘I do,’ it means ‘I don’t.’”...
While lying in bed one evening, a farmer was reading…
While lying in bed one evening, a farmer was reading, and his wife was knitting. The farmer looked up from the page of an animal-husbandry magazine and said, “Did you know that humans are the only species whose females achieve orgasm?” His wife looked at him wistfully, smiled and responded, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.” The...
Big Love, Small Package
In this age of fake news and Russian Twitter bots, one would certainly be forgiven for casting doubt on this totally legitimate news story. So please, try to keep an open mind as we attempt to explain Dinky One, the new dating site for guys with small dicks. Forget for a moment how derogatory the...
Just to lighten things up, I decided to begin…
“Just to lighten things up, I decided to begin tonight’s address with a little joke…”...
Mike went to apply for a job…
Mike went to apply for a job, and the interviewer asked him, “Are you allergic to anything?” “Yes, sir, caffeine,” Mike replied. “I can’t drink coffee.” “Okay,” the interviewer continued. “Have you ever been in the military?” “Yes, sir,” Mike answered. “I did one tour in Afghanistan.” “Great!” the human resources rep exclaimed. “That will...
Orgasm Stacking
There’s this weird intersection in humanity where people who are working themselves to an early grave are also trying to embrace a New Age lifestyle. Futile? Hey, at least they’re trying. And you have to give them credit for any attempt to maximize sex and pleasure despite the fact that we seem to be doomed...
Let me come in your ear
Tom said to his wife, “Let me come in your ear.” “No way!” she hollered. “I’ll go deaf if you come in my ear!” “That’s funny,” Tom countered. “I come in your mouth, and you never shut up.”...
Scent of a Woman
In a perfect world, we learn that Gwyneth Paltrow and her putrid Goop products are charged withmurder by boredom and she’s locked up in a Turkish septic tank for the rest of her life. Butuntil then we just have to keep on hating her and all her brand stands for, so strap in. Lately she’s...
A cheating wife had just finished…
A cheating wife had just finished giving her lover the screwing of his life. As she was lighting a cigarette, her cell phone rang. A brief conversation ensued, and then she said, “Okay, dear. Bye.” “Your husband?” her boyfriend asked. “Yes,” she answered, giggling. “He said he’ll be home late because he’s playing poker with...
Deal or No Deal
This article comes with a preface. It’s really more of a shout-out to all the hardworking reporters who maintain their commitment to uncompromising journalism. Thank you, especially those of you who know the value of a good kicker. This month we single out Scott Carroll of KATV in Arkansas. Not sure if he’s a crime...
“Happy anniversary, Carla! Now go fuck yourself!”
“Happy anniversary, Carla! Now go fuck yourself!”...
“Your ad on Craigslist said that you were shaved. I guess you meant just your pussy.”
“Your ad on Craigslist said that you were shaved. I guess you meant just your pussy.”...
