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humor

Mental asylum

While being evaluated at a mental asylum, a new patient asked a psychiatrist, “How do you determine if a person needs to be institutionalized?” The shrink responded, “First we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket. Then we ask the patient to empty the bathtub.” “I guess I won’t...

humor

Question

Question: What do tofu and a dildo have in common? Answer: Both are excellent meat substitutes....

humor

“He’s been playing with the polygraph machine again.”

humor

“Oh, wow — that is one ragged hooker pussy! I guess I will allow that depreciation deduction.”

“Oh, wow — that is one ragged hooker pussy! I guess I will allow that depreciation deduction.”...

humor

“It was the only honest bone in my body…”

humor

“For crying out loud! There are more important things in life than having an orgasm. Speaking of which, get me a beer!”

“For crying out loud! There are more important things in life than having an orgasm. Speaking of which, get me a beer!”...

humor

“Oh, no, Doctor, I don’t want you to remove it! Just change the batteries!”

“Oh, no, Doctor, I don’t want you to remove it! Just change the batteries!”...

humor

“It’s against my personal principles: If I admit the truth, I would have lied in vain!”

“It’s against my personal principles: If I admit the truth, I would have lied in vain!”...

humor

“So what seems to be the problem?”

“So what seems to be the problem?”...

humor

“Sure, we could litigate this matter, or we could just club each other over the head until there’s a clear winner in this dispute.”

“Sure, we could litigate this matter, or we could just club each other over the head until there’s a clear winner in this dispute.”...

humor

“When President Trump is gone, he’s going to leave some big shoes to fill…”

“When President Trump is gone, he’s going to leave some big shoes to fill…”...

humor

“Sometimes I ask myself, ‘What would Larry Flynt do?’”

“Sometimes I ask myself, ‘What would Larry Flynt do?’”...

humor

“What if climate change is real, Mr. President?”

humor

“Hey, partner—I just got here, and I have looked everywhere! Where are the hookers?!”

“Hey, partner—I just got here, and I have looked everywhere! Where are the hookers?!”...

humor

“I didn’t forget our anniversary. I’m having sex, aren’t I?”

“I didn’t forget our anniversary. I’m having sex, aren’t I?”...

humor

“Of course you’re depressed. Donald Trump has stolen all of your best material.”

“Of course you’re depressed. Donald Trump has stolen all of your best material.”...

humor

“In my professional opinion, a relationship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.”

“In my professional opinion, a relationship is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.”...

humor

As you can see… when it comes to fucking the American people, size really doesn’t matter

humor

“Dude, your daughter gets, like, super wet. Can I borrow a couple towels for my van?”

“Dude, your daughter gets, like, super wet. Can I borrow a couple towels for my van?”...

humor

A bartender was getting ready to close for the evening when a man burst in and pulled out a gun.

A bartender was getting ready to close for the evening when a man burst in and pulled out a gun. “This is a robbery!” the intruder yelled. “Put all your money in a bag!” “Don’t shoot me!” the barkeep pleaded. “I’ll do whatever you say.” He stuffed all the money from the cash register into...

humor

“Send that motherfucker Trump in—I’ve been waiting for him.”

“Send that motherfucker Trump in—I’ve been waiting for him.”...

humor

“You know you’re getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.”

“You know you’re getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.”...

humor

“You’re a loyal Republican, Vernon. Just vote how you always do…out of hate, greed, bigotry and intolerance!”

“You’re a loyal Republican, Vernon. Just vote how you always do…out of hate, greed, bigotry and intolerance!”...

humor

“God is an imaginary friend of grown-ups.”

“God is an imaginary friend of grown-ups.”...

humor

A man was talking to his son, who was about to graduate from high school.

A man was talking to his son, who was about to graduate from high school. “Do you want to go to college?” “No,” the boy replied, ‘I want to be a pizza delivery guy or a plumber.” His dad yelped, “Stop watching porn, son!”...

humor

A 93-year-old man met a 79-year-old woman

A 93-year-old man met a 79-year-old woman at the senior center, and they ended up in bed. Three days later he noticed that his dick was developing a drip, so he decided to have a checkup. “Have you recently engaged in sex?” the doctor inquired. “As a matter of fact I have,” the 93-year-old proudly...