“Go ahead and leave, Maureen— but the fisting dildo stays!”
“Go ahead and leave, Maureen— but the fisting dildo stays!”...
Bits & Pieces
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“Where do babies come from? Well, son, they come from a big, dark, hairy, smelly place.”
“Where do babies come from? Well, son, they come from a big, dark, hairy, smelly place.”...
“At first I thought hell was great, but all you get are Trump’s Twitter feeds.”
“At first I thought hell was great, but all you get are Trump’s Twitter feeds.”...
“After the revelation that you were in a porno movie, the school board has no choice but to fire you from your teaching position. But before you go, would you sign our copies?”
“After the revelation that you were in a porno movie, the school board has no choice but to fire you from your teaching position. But before you go, would you sign our copies?”...
“President Trump today says he’s doing the work of two men…”
“President Trump today says he’s doing the work of two men…”...
2019 Was a Good Year for Sex
We live in a golden age of entertainment. Say what you will about the endless barrage of crappy remakes, superhero movie after superhero movie and the living nightmare that is Star Wars fandom, when you look past the noise and the flash, there are no shortage of amazing, challenging and innovative offerings to capture your...
“Goddamn! Who’s a girl got to fuck to get a promotion around this sorry-ass place?!”
“Goddamn! Who’s a girl got to fuck to get a promotion around this sorry-ass place?!”...
Two geezers
Two geezers, lifelong bachelors Sam and Gerard, were sitting on a park bench. As they were shooting the shit, several sexy female joggers passed by. They got Sam’s attention. “So how’s your sex life these days?” he asked. “Nothing special,” Gerard admitted. “I’m having what’s known as Social Security sex.” “Social Security sex?” Sam repeated,...
Make These Words Go Away
Dating is hard enough as it is without having to keep up with the ever-evolving and dignity-crushing lexicon of words that arise out of misguided necessity. Like, did I really need a word to capture the unique humility of someone disappearing from my life without explanation? Do we really need to get any more specific...
“I was a Never-Trumper…until I saw the size of this bank account.”
“I was a Never-Trumper…until I saw the size of this bank account.”...
A married man asked his best friend
A married man asked his best friend, “If I slept with your wife and got her pregnant, would that make the two of us relatives?” “No,” the friend snorted, “but it would make us even.”...
The Secret Language of Women
“Do you know who tells the truth? Drunks and children.” This all-too-true gem, dispensed by Erika Jayne from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (Season 9, Episode 20), is undeniably apt—save for one glaring omission: sex noises. Orgasms are a potent truth serum and a window into the soul. But as to the why and...
Highs and Lows
You know what they say: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And in pursuit of the almighty orgasm, you better believe that ingenuity has a way of flourishing in the face of obstacles. Obviously great sex is great because everyone is enjoying it, so when confronted by significant differences in height, it behooves us...
“Damn, Ann! Time to either buy a longer skirt or wear a bra-please!”
“Damn, Ann! Time to either buy a longer skirt or wear a bra-please!”...
Question: What do nail polish and panties have in common?
Question: What do nail polish and panties have in common? Answer: They both come off with alcohol....
An old lady had an appointment
An old lady had an appointment with a psychiatrist. She sat down and said, “Doctor, I think I might be a nymphomaniac. Can you help me?” “Yes, I can,” the shrink assured her. “But it will cost you $150 an hour.” The biddy frowned, then asked, “How much for the whole night?”...
Question: So what are blowjobs good for?
Question: So what are blowjobs good for? Answer: Population control....
Girl Meets Porn
It says a lot about the state of the entertainment industrial complex that an actor on a not-unpopular network TV show can leave mainstream behind to make more money and find greater fulfillment working in adult entertainment. Maitland Ward, you are the hero Gotham needs. The former Boy Meets World cast member spent the past...
Sex Doll Protocol
If you pay attention to international news, then you’ll occasionally catch a stark reminder or three of why Canada is not the bucolic Northern paradise you once imagined. Canada can be racist. Canada can be violent. And much like our own law enforcement, Canucks can be just as confused as us about how to properly...
“We can’t legislate morality. The Republicans would filibuster.”
“We can’t legislate morality. The Republicans would filibuster.”...
A priest and his chickens
A priest kept chickens at this village. One evening a cock went missing. At a mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, “Who has a cock?” All the men stood up. “I’m sorry,” the priest said. “I meant who has seen a cock?” All the women stood up. “No, no, no!” the priest snapped. “Who has...
Bret went into a pharmacy
Bret went into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The pharmacist told the young man, “They come in packs of three, nine or 12. How many will you be needing?” “Well,” Bret replied, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a little while now, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her...
“In closing, I hope all of you graduates will take advantage of the generous drug cartel bribes that will be offered to you, and remember: The kidnapping of rich gringo tourists can also be a lucrative side business.”
“In closing, I hope all of you graduates will take advantage of the generous drug cartel bribes that will be offered to you, and remember: The kidnapping of rich gringo tourists can also be a lucrative side business.”...
“Yes, they’re lovely, but you still can’t use them for collateral.”
“Yes, they’re lovely, but you still can’t use them for collateral.”...
