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November 2025

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The Real Deal News: Climate Scientists Urge World to Freak the Fuck Out

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released a new report urging both world governments and citizens alike to “freak the fuck out.” The revised report predicts catastrophic climate change as early as 2040 if the world doesn’t start taxing carbon production and relying heavily on alternative sources of fuel, such...

Presidential Penises

In a think piece from September 2018, Guardian journalist Hadley Freeman asks the very important question of whether or not it’s okay to laugh at a penis—specifically the penis belonging to bloated autocrat Donald Trump, described by HUSTLER favorite Stormy Daniels as resembling “the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” The answer is yes, we can—nay,...

Sex On the Beach

With dead bodies stacking up faster than Garfield eats lasagna, city officials in Guadalajara, Mexico, decided that it might be a good idea to focus less on enforcing public decency statutes and instead channel resources towards stemming a cartel bloodbath. As reported by Teen Vogue, a recent council motion to modify municipal bylaws now makes...

The Real Fake News: Pence Heals Nation With Pizza Bagels

PITTSBURGH, PA—In the wake of the horrific violence at the Pittsburgh Tree of Life synagogue, Mike Pence made a pilgrimage to the Steel City in hopes of easing the nation’s pain. “In addition to the traditional offering of pizza bagels,” said a Pence aide, “the Vice President offered to help the Jewish community mourn by...

The Politics of Porn

It’s common knowledge that our government is overrun by alien lizard monsters and political affiliations mean less as we march headlong into the New World Order. But insofar as porn preference, it’s curious to see how both parties lean when it comes to their favorite fuck flicks and sex fantasies. A new study by those...

Boner Science

In the spirit of “masturbating will make you go blind” or the fabled “hairy palms” myth, “porn-induced erectile dysfunction” is the latest sexual bogeyman to haunt men who dare engage in the carnal twin sins of porn and self-love. Lucky for us libertines, medical professionals have valiantly stepped up to call bullshit on this fake-ass...

Long Story Short: How to Measure Your Penis

The way it’s debated, you’d think that dick size and the measurement thereof was akin to string theory and other hotly contested topics. But even particle physics is beholden to the facts. And so it is with unwavering objectivity that we set out to confirm once and for all how long/thick the “average” penis really...

The Real Fake News: White House Announces “Snitches Get Stitches” Policy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A White House increasingly in the grip of paranoia has issued a “Snitches Get Stitches” antileak policy, forcing staffers to sign a pledge stating that they will “keep Trump’s name out their mouth or get got like a little bitch.” “The phrase ‘get got’ is somewhat ambiguous,” says legal scholar and former gang member...

Audio Porn: Hard of Hearing

Sometimes all it takes is a faint smell to trigger a reaction and inspire arousal. Similarly, take away one sense, and the others step in to process stimuli. When it comes to porn, we experience the content primarily by watching it—but have you ever just listened? Total ear-gasm. This is the scintillatingly cerebral medium of...

Sex Workers Vote!

To say that sex workers have had a rough couple of years would be the understatement of the century. Persecuted and scapegoated since the dawn of the trade itself, folks who choose to use their bodies as they see fit have never had a voice—until maybe now? In a spot-on analysis by Rolling Stone, it’s looking...

Leo’s Wife

Leo’s wife, Debbie, was having issues in the bedroom. She finally told Leo that she couldn’t reach an orgasm because she got too hot when the couple had sex. They consulted a specialist, who suggested making sure that there was a steady supply of cool air in the bedroom. Not wanting to raise the electricity...

Repeat Offenders

Question: If jerking off were a crime, what would that make all men? Answer: Repeat offenders....

Three Gay Men

Three gay men died and were scheduled to be cremated. Their respective partners happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and they began discussing what they would do with the ashes. The first fellow said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane to scatter his ashes...

Do You Have a Minute

A man called out to his wife, “Honey, do you have a minute?” From another room she shouted back, “Jesus, Bill, we just had sex last month!”...

An Elephant

Question:  What comes in pints? Answer: An elephant....

Book for Men With Small Penises

A young man walked into a library and asked the female librarian, “Do you have that new book for men with small penises?” She looked for it on a computer and replied, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” “Yeah, that’s the one!” the guy exclaimed....

Two Nurses

Two nurses were giving a comatose woman a bed bath in her hospital room. One was washing the patient’s privates and noticed a slight twitch whenever she touched her pussy. Since the heartbeat monitor showed a positive response, she told the other nurse to try it, and sure enough there was movement and improved vital...

A Sack of Shit for a Sack of Shit

Some ideas are so simple, so perfect that you can’t help but be mad at yourself for not thinking of it first. Sometimes it’s a new spin on an existing product—an innovation that elevates the mundane to new heights of cultural relevance and artistic merit. Where the rest of us see a pile of dog...

Four Score & Seven Boners Ago

Fanfiction is a very broad term that encompasses all kinds of fantasy scenarios between characters, be they real or imagined. There’s gay Teen Wolf fanfic, Marvel Universe fanfic and reams of erotic scenarios based on the wizarding world of Harry Potter and friends. But there’s a dark side to every dream, and so we must contend with the...

The Real Fake News: Dozens Hospitalized With Giuliani Poisoning

ATLANTA, GA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is urging East Coast residents to avoid Rudolph Giuliani after an outbreak of mysterious illnesses was traced back to mucus secretions left by the President’s lawyer. Early signs of contamination include a rigid, Joker-like grimace, pathological lying, what doctor’s call “Nosferatu eyes,” and the uncontrollable urge to...

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