Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Search
Celebrity Muff-Divers
DJ Khaled, that guy who will not stop shouting his name in every damn song, caused a bit of an uproar last spring when he casually declared on live radio that he does not partake in the eating of beaver. According to the rapper, there are “different rules for men” and “a woman should praise...
The Real Fake News: Mueller Witch Hunt Uncovers Coven
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A year and a half into the Special Counsel investigation of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 Presidential election, Robert Mueller and his team have revealed the existence of a large coven of witches with ties to the Trump campaign. “It’s no secret that Mueller’s team has issued over 100 criminal charges against more than...
Drive-Thru Sex
As if cuckoo clocks and chocolate weren’t enough of a contribution to global happiness, the Swiss have stepped up with a real third-act topper in the form of a safe and convenient solution for the sex work trade. Four words: drive-thru sex booths. Or is that three? While prostitution has been legal in Switzerland since...
Porn, The Great Equalizer
The grim truth of our reality is that we live in a world where Presidents pay off porn stars and no one bats an eyelash. So it’s a source of some comfort to see a similar turd of a human being get his comeuppance in the form of a giant triple-decker irony sandwich. The turd...
The Real Deal News: Climate Scientists Urge World to Freak the Fuck Out
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—The United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has released a new report urging both world governments and citizens alike to “freak the fuck out.” The revised report predicts catastrophic climate change as early as 2040 if the world doesn’t start taxing carbon production and relying heavily on alternative sources of fuel, such...
Presidential Penises
In a think piece from September 2018, Guardian journalist Hadley Freeman asks the very important question of whether or not it’s okay to laugh at a penis—specifically the penis belonging to bloated autocrat Donald Trump, described by HUSTLER favorite Stormy Daniels as resembling “the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” The answer is yes, we can—nay,...
Sex On the Beach
With dead bodies stacking up faster than Garfield eats lasagna, city officials in Guadalajara, Mexico, decided that it might be a good idea to focus less on enforcing public decency statutes and instead channel resources towards stemming a cartel bloodbath. As reported by Teen Vogue, a recent council motion to modify municipal bylaws now makes...
The Real Fake News: Pence Heals Nation With Pizza Bagels
PITTSBURGH, PA—In the wake of the horrific violence at the Pittsburgh Tree of Life synagogue, Mike Pence made a pilgrimage to the Steel City in hopes of easing the nation’s pain. “In addition to the traditional offering of pizza bagels,” said a Pence aide, “the Vice President offered to help the Jewish community mourn by...
The Politics of Porn
It’s common knowledge that our government is overrun by alien lizard monsters and political affiliations mean less as we march headlong into the New World Order. But insofar as porn preference, it’s curious to see how both parties lean when it comes to their favorite fuck flicks and sex fantasies. A new study by those...
Boner Science
In the spirit of “masturbating will make you go blind” or the fabled “hairy palms” myth, “porn-induced erectile dysfunction” is the latest sexual bogeyman to haunt men who dare engage in the carnal twin sins of porn and self-love. Lucky for us libertines, medical professionals have valiantly stepped up to call bullshit on this fake-ass...
Long Story Short: How to Measure Your Penis
The way it’s debated, you’d think that dick size and the measurement thereof was akin to string theory and other hotly contested topics. But even particle physics is beholden to the facts. And so it is with unwavering objectivity that we set out to confirm once and for all how long/thick the “average” penis really...
The Real Fake News: White House Announces “Snitches Get Stitches” Policy
WASHINGTON, D.C.—A White House increasingly in the grip of paranoia has issued a “Snitches Get Stitches” antileak policy, forcing staffers to sign a pledge stating that they will “keep Trump’s name out their mouth or get got like a little bitch.” “The phrase ‘get got’ is somewhat ambiguous,” says legal scholar and former gang member...
Audio Porn: Hard of Hearing
Sometimes all it takes is a faint smell to trigger a reaction and inspire arousal. Similarly, take away one sense, and the others step in to process stimuli. When it comes to porn, we experience the content primarily by watching it—but have you ever just listened? Total ear-gasm. This is the scintillatingly cerebral medium of...
Sex Workers Vote!
To say that sex workers have had a rough couple of years would be the understatement of the century. Persecuted and scapegoated since the dawn of the trade itself, folks who choose to use their bodies as they see fit have never had a voice—until maybe now? In a spot-on analysis by Rolling Stone, it’s looking...
“You always think the worst, Helen. No, I am not calling you from a bar!”
“You always think the worst, Helen. No, I am not calling you from a bar!”...
“Hey, Hannity, scoot your nose over a couple inches. I wanna wipe my ass.”
“Hey, Hannity, scoot your nose over a couple inches. I wanna wipe my ass.”...
Leo’s Wife
Leo’s wife, Debbie, was having issues in the bedroom. She finally told Leo that she couldn’t reach an orgasm because she got too hot when the couple had sex. They consulted a specialist, who suggested making sure that there was a steady supply of cool air in the bedroom. Not wanting to raise the electricity...
Repeat Offenders
Question: If jerking off were a crime, what would that make all men? Answer: Repeat offenders....
Three Gay Men
Three gay men died and were scheduled to be cremated. Their respective partners happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and they began discussing what they would do with the ashes. The first fellow said, “My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane to scatter his ashes...
Do You Have a Minute
A man called out to his wife, “Honey, do you have a minute?” From another room she shouted back, “Jesus, Bill, we just had sex last month!”...
An Elephant
Question: What comes in pints? Answer: An elephant....
Book for Men With Small Penises
A young man walked into a library and asked the female librarian, “Do you have that new book for men with small penises?” She looked for it on a computer and replied, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.” “Yeah, that’s the one!” the guy exclaimed....
Two Nurses
Two nurses were giving a comatose woman a bed bath in her hospital room. One was washing the patient’s privates and noticed a slight twitch whenever she touched her pussy. Since the heartbeat monitor showed a positive response, she told the other nurse to try it, and sure enough there was movement and improved vital...
