Bits & Pieces
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“Honey, does this T-shirt make me look gay?”
“Honey, does this T-shirt make me look gay?”...
A Sack of Shit for a Sack of Shit
Some ideas are so simple, so perfect that you can’t help but be mad at yourself for not thinking of it first. Sometimes it’s a new spin on an existing product—an innovation that elevates the mundane to new heights of cultural relevance and artistic merit. Where the rest of us see a pile of dog...
Four Score & Seven Boners Ago
Fanfiction is a very broad term that encompasses all kinds of fantasy scenarios between characters, be they real or imagined. There’s gay Teen Wolf fanfic, Marvel Universe fanfic and reams of erotic scenarios based on the wizarding world of Harry Potter and friends. But there’s a dark side to every dream, and so we must contend with the...
The Real Fake News: Dozens Hospitalized With Giuliani Poisoning
ATLANTA, GA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is urging East Coast residents to avoid Rudolph Giuliani after an outbreak of mysterious illnesses was traced back to mucus secretions left by the President’s lawyer. Early signs of contamination include a rigid, Joker-like grimace, pathological lying, what doctor’s call “Nosferatu eyes,” and the uncontrollable urge to...
Circus of Depravity
Remember Wife Swap, the program where two women from diverse backgrounds traded families and homes for a couple weeks? As guilty pleasures go, the reality series was not totally without merit: Watching a Southern belle wake up at 3 a.m. to milk cows in the Midwest was equal parts schadenfreude and morbid curiosity. And compared to...
“I may have the right to remain silent, but I don’t think I have the ability!”
“I may have the right to remain silent, but I don’t think I have the ability!”...
“I firmly believe anal sex is something that should be between a man and a woman.”
“I firmly believe anal sex is something that should be between a man and a woman.”...
“We’d love to come by for dinner, mother, but we’re experimenting with Bob’s prostate tonight!”
“We’d love to come by for dinner, mother, but we’re experimenting with Bob’s prostate tonight!”...
“I never have to pay for sex. Instead, I have to beg. I’m married.”
“I never have to pay for sex. Instead, I have to beg. I’m married.”...
“You say ‘lying.’ I say I’m just being Presidential.”
“You say ‘lying.’ I say I’m just being Presidential.”...
“Geesh, maybe sometimes choice is a good thing.”
“Geesh, maybe sometimes choice is a good thing.”...
Hal and Ida
Hal and Ida were planning a second honeymoon to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Ida suggested, “Let’s go to the same places we did on our first honeymoon.” “Uh-huh,” Hal grunted. “And,” Ida continued, “we will do all the things that we did back then.” “Uh-huh,” Hal repeated, still paying little attention to his babbling...
A Dapper Dude
A dapper dude was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep his dong from getting sunburned, he placed a hat over his crotch. Soon a woman walked by and snickered, “If you were a gentleman, you’d lift your hat.” The sunbather raised an eyebrow and muttered, “If you weren’t...
Dark in Here
Mrs. Brown was having sex one afternoon while her husband was at work. Her 14-year-old son Richie came home early from school, saw what was going on in the bedroom and hid in the closet to watch. Then Mr. Brown came home, and Mrs. Brown scooted her lover into the closet, not realizing that Richie...
Jack and Manny
Jack and Manny were shooting the shit at a bar one night. “I went for a routine checkup today,” Jack told his pal. “Everything seemed to be going fine until I felt a finger going up my butt! You think I should change dentists?” ...
Sperm Bank
An unemployed man grumbled to the receptionist, “When I go to the blood bank, a nurse draws the blood for me.” The receptionist snapped, “That’s not how it works at a sperm bank.” ...
Florida: WTF
Florida, America’s sweaty ball sac (thank you, Patton Oswalt), earned its reputation as the most batshit crazy state in the union. And it continues to defend this dubious title, day after day, racking up insane headlines. There are columns and radio segments dedicated to the daily parade of depravity. In fact, stand-up comics would be...
Sad Little Weiner
Former congressman and human trainwreck Anthony Weiner has seen better days. He is reportedly back in New York after finishing his term in a Massachusetts prison where he may or may not have been passed around like a plate of hors d’oeuvres. Earlier this year Weiner was transferred out of the Federal Medical Center Devens...
Sex in the City
Nothing says sexy quite like cutting loose in…Morgantown, West Virginia? You see, this is what happens when you let a sex toy company use its own data to promote romantic tourism. It’s a pretty common marketing ploy. In this instance, sex toy company Lovehoney employs dubious methodology to suggest that the sexiness of a city...
A Blind Man
A blind man went into a restaurant and took a seat. The owner came to his table and asked, “Menu, sir?” “No,” the patron replied. “I’m blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks. I will smell it and order.” The confused owner found a dirty fork, and the blind man sniffed it, inhaling...
