“I love a woman for her mind, as long as she always thinks about sex.”
“I love a woman for her mind, as long as she always thinks about sex.”...
Bits & Pieces
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“You can’t remember the date of our anniversary, but you never forget HUSTLER’S Anniversary Issue!”
“You can’t remember the date of our anniversary, but you never forget HUSTLER’S Anniversary Issue!”...
“Senator, there is a call on Line 2 from a Mr. Flynt.”
“Senator, there is a call on Line 2 from a Mr. Flynt.”...
“I can’t believe we’re all in agreement: Larry Flynt has done more to strengthen the First Amendment than John Ashcroft.”
“I can’t believe we’re all in agreement: Larry Flynt has done more to strengthen the First Amendment than John Ashcroft.”...
A Sexy Speech Therapist
A sexy speech therapist named Carla was at an impasse with three male stutterers. Deciding it was time for drastic action, she announced, “I’ll give a blowjob to the man who can tell me where he was born without stuttering.” Patrick quickly stood up and said, “B-b-b-boston.” He angrily shook his head and sat down....
Fighting For Peace
HUSTLER WISDOM: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. ...
How Do We Know That God Likes Women Better Than Men?
Question: How do we know that God likes women better than men? Answer: Multiple orgasms. ...
Moving to Nevada
A husband walked into the bedroom and found his wife packing a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m moving to Nevada,” his wife told him. “I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for free! ” Later, before making her getaway, the wife walked back into the bedroom and saw...
Never Laughed at a Patient
The nurse assured Tony, “Of course I won’t laugh. I’m a professional. For 20 years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “Okay, then,” Tony said as he proceeded to drop his pants and shorts, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control herself,...
Judy’s Legs
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer, and Judy married again. She and Bob raised seven more kids. After Bob was killed in a car accident, Judy wed John and had five more children. By the time Judy died, she’d given birth to 25 children. Standing before Judy’s...
Short-Term Memory Loss
Opponents of laws legalizing the recreational use of marijuana argue that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. Next they’ll be saying that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. ...
Three Elderly Women
Three elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man suddenly jumped out and flashed them. Two of the biddies immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn’t quite reach. ...
Wear An Old Dress
Two middle-aged spinsters were chatting. “George Johnson asked me out for a date,” Dorothy divulged. “I know you went out with him last week, Edna, so I wanted to talk with you about him before I give my answer.” “I’ll tell you everything,” Edna said. “George showed up at my house punctually at 7 p.m.,...
Elephant and the Naked Man?
Question: What did the elephant say to the naked man? Answer: How do you breathe through that thing?...
Minimum Sentence for Bigamy
Question: What is the minimum sentence for bigamy? Answer: Two mothers-in-law. ...
You Know You’re Getting Old
You know you’re getting old when your wife invites you to run upstairs for hot sex, and you tell her she’ll have to choose because you can’t do both. ...
“You know what they say about guys with big feet.”
“You know what they say about guys with big feet.”...
“I’m sorry we couldn’t get a military parade, Mr. President, but we did manage to throw together a parade with all of the women you’ve sexually harrassed over the years.”
“I’m sorry we couldn’t get a military parade, Mr. President, but we did manage to throw together a parade with all of the women you’ve sexually harrassed over the years.”...
“I think I’ve found the source of that pain in your ass.”
“I think I’ve found the source of that pain in your ass.”...
“Robert Mueller may have exonerated you on collusion, but I haven’t!”
“Robert Mueller may have exonerated you on collusion, but I haven’t!”...
Cho Headlines Minority Reportz
“I wanted to fuck Bristol Palin,” confessed Margaret Cho during April’s Ethnic AF Comedy Show at the Matrix Theatre in West Hollywood. She encountered the famous teen mom on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars and admitted, “I have this thing for conservative women.” The tattooed Korean-American Cho headlined the recent L.A. laughfest, featuring a diverse roster of...
Hot Button
Hot Button While some state governments are busy dismantling female reproductive rights and enabling rapists to sue their victims for child custody, other less-heinous elected officials are doing their part to make the world a little less shitty for women. In Washington state legislators have mandated the installation of panic buttons in “adult entertainment establishments,”...
The Real Fake News: Dems Introduce “Meh, What Can You Do?” Act
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As calls for impeachment grow around the country, and within the House Democratic caucus, House leadership has drafted a scathing nonbinding resolution they believe will send a far stronger message of meek subservience. “No one is above the law in this country,” said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD), “and this new, strongly worded...
