Dyslexic Satanist
Question: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? Answer: He sold his soul to Santa. ...
Bits & Pieces
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Sylvia and Marvin
Sylvia welcomed an escort service client named Marvin to her lakefront condominium in Chicago. He asked if she gave good handjobs. “You see this condo?” Sylvia re plied. “I bought it by giving good handjobs.” Marvin asked for one, and he was impressed. Then he asked Sylvia if she gave great blowjobs. “Look out the...
Sally and Sue
When Louie went to the carnival, he hit on Sally and Sue, a conjoined pair of performing midgets. After their last show, he invited the twins to his place, and they all got shit-faced. After fucking Sue, Louie started working on Sally. Meanwhile Sue whipped out a harmonica, stuffed it into her pussy and started...
Asshole With the Flashlight
A Catholic man stepped into the confessional booth and beseeched, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” “What did you do, my son?” the priest inquired. “Last night,” the man explained, “I was walking along the beach, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore because I’d heard that sometimes people go there...
Clitoris, Wedding Anniversary and Toilet
Question: What do a clitoris, wedding anniversary and toilet have in common? Answer: Men always miss them....
Jones Is Dead
A mortician was working late one night. While examining the corpse of Mr. Jones, which was about to be cremated, he made a startling discovery. The dead man had the biggest cock he’d ever seen. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jones,” the mortician commented. “I can’t allow such an impressive penis to be cremated. It must be...
Diapers and Politicians
Question: What do diapers and politicians have in common? Answer: They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. ...
Fighting for Peace
HUSTLER Wisdom: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. ...
50-Cent Piece
Question: What did the redneck do with his first 50-cent piece? Answer: He married her. ...
Wealthy 55-Year-Old Woman
A very wealthy 55-year-old woman had a heart attack and was rushed to a hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Upon seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God replied, “No, you have another 33 years, two months and eight days to live.” While recovering, the woman realized that...
Nurse Jenny
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb,” one doc grumbled. “She does everything totally backwards. Last week I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every ten hours. She gave him ten milligrams every two hours. He nearly died!” “That’s nothing!” the second...
God Likes Women
Question: How do we know that God likes women better than men? Answer: Multiple orgasms....
Marijuana Documentary
A HUSTLER reader sent us an interesting observation: “I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched that way.”...
Tequila and Salt
HUSTLER Wisdom: When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!...
Betty Sue
Charlie was watching TV when his wife walked up from behind and smacked him on the back of the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?!” Charlie grunted. His wife explained, “I found a piece of paper with Betty Sue written on it.” “Jeez, honey,” Charlie sighed. “Remember last week when I went...
Baseball and Politics
Question: What’s the difference between baseball and politics? Answer: In baseball you’re out when you get caught stealing. ...
Three Old Women
Three old women were sitting on a park bench when a man suddenly jumped out and flashed them. Two of the biddies immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn’t quite reach. ...
Lesson in Fertility
Question: What do you call having sex with a woman when she’s ovulating? Answer: A lesson in fertility. ...
Father Brian
A new priest, Father Brian, was nervous about hearing confessions, so he asked an older priest, Father Dennis, to sit in on his first sessions. After Father Brian heard several confessions, Father Dennis asked him to step out of the confessional booth for a few pointers. “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your...
Olaf Swenson
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a quick kick from a cow right to his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as Olaf could manage, he went to the doctor. “How bad is it, Doc?” he gasped. “I’m getting married next week, and my fiancée, Lena,...
Mathematical Help
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his assistant for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how...
Keep the Tip
Question: What did the leper say to the hooker? Answer: Keep the tip. ...
I Missed
A carpenter was about to put a nail into the church roof when he accidentally hit his thumb with the hammer. “Goddammit, I missed!” he yelped. From down below the church’s pastor fired back, “You shouldn’t say that! Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain!” “Why not, Reverend?!” the...
A Cockamamie Email
A retiree from Florida sent us a cockamamie email: The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Findings were just released by Statistics Canada and a United Nations health agency. They revealed that American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex once or...
Bigamy
The HUSTLER Dictionary defines bigamy as: two rites making a wrong. ...
Young Timmy
One night young Timmy walked into his parents’ bedroom, where his father was sitting on the side of the bed and sliding on a condom. Attempting to hide his erection and the rubber, the father bent over and pretended to be looking for something under the bed. “What are you doing, Dad?” Timmy asked. “Oh,...
Politician
Finishing a prepared statement, the blustering politician threw the press conference open for questions. “Is it true you were born in a log cabin?” one sarcastic reporter asked. “You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln,” the politician answered. “I was born in a manger.” ...
California and New Jersey
Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic-waste dumps? Answer: New Jersey had first choice....
Politician
Finishing a prepared statement, the blustering politician threw the press conference open for questions. “Is it true you were born in a log cabin?” one sarcastic reporter asked. “You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln,” the politician answered. “I was born in a manger.” ...
California and New Jersey
Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic-waste dumps? Answer: New Jersey had first choice....
