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November 2025

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Wealthy 55-Year-Old Woman

A very wealthy 55-year-old woman had a heart attack and was rushed to a hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Upon seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” God replied, “No, you have another 33 years, two months and eight days to live.” While recovering, the woman realized that...

Nurse Jenny

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb,” one doc grumbled. “She does everything totally backwards. Last week I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every ten hours. She gave him ten milligrams every two hours. He nearly died!” “That’s nothing!” the second...

God Likes Women

Question:  How do we know that God likes women better than men? Answer: Multiple orgasms....

Marijuana Documentary

A HUSTLER reader sent us an interesting observation: “I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched that way.”...

Tequila and Salt

 HUSTLER Wisdom: When life hands you lemons, find someone with tequila and salt!...

Betty Sue

Charlie was watching TV when his wife walked up from behind and smacked him on the back of the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?!” Charlie grunted. His wife explained, “I found a piece of paper with Betty Sue written on it.” “Jeez, honey,” Charlie sighed. “Remember last week when I went...

Baseball and Politics

Question:  What’s the difference between baseball and politics? Answer: In baseball you’re out when you get caught stealing. ...

Three Old Women

Three old women were sitting on a park bench when a man suddenly jumped out and flashed them. Two of the biddies immediately had a stroke. The other one couldn’t quite reach. ...

Lesson in Fertility

Question:  What do you call having sex with a woman when she’s ovulating? Answer: A lesson in fertility. ...

Father Brian

A new priest, Father Brian, was nervous about hearing confessions, so he asked an older priest, Father Dennis, to sit in on his first sessions. After Father Brian heard several confessions, Father Dennis asked him to step out of the confessional booth for a few pointers. “Cross your arms over your chest and rub your...

Olaf Swenson

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a quick kick from a cow right to his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as Olaf could manage, he went to the doctor. “How bad is it, Doc?” he gasped. “I’m getting married next week, and my fiancée, Lena,...

Mathematical Help

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his assistant for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Georgia, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how...

Keep the Tip

Question: What did the leper say to the hooker? Answer: Keep the tip. ...

I Missed

A carpenter was about to put a nail into the church roof when he accidentally hit his thumb with the hammer. “Goddammit, I missed!” he yelped. From down below the church’s pastor fired back, “You shouldn’t say that! Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain!” “Why not, Reverend?!” the...

A Cockamamie Email

A retiree from Florida sent us a cockamamie email: The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Findings were just released by Statistics Canada and a United Nations health agency. They revealed that American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex once or...

Bigamy

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines bigamy as: two rites making a wrong. ...

Young Timmy

One night young Timmy walked into his parents’ bedroom, where his father was sitting on the side of the bed and sliding on a condom. Attempting to hide his erection and the rubber, the father bent over and pretended to be looking for something under the bed. “What are you doing, Dad?” Timmy asked. “Oh,...

Politician

Finishing a prepared statement, the blustering politician threw the press conference open for questions. “Is it true you were born in a log cabin?” one sarcastic reporter asked. “You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln,” the politician answered. “I was born in a manger.” ...

California and New Jersey

Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic-waste dumps? Answer: New Jersey had first choice....

Politician

Finishing a prepared statement, the blustering politician threw the press conference open for questions. “Is it true you were born in a log cabin?” one sarcastic reporter asked. “You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln,” the politician answered. “I was born in a manger.” ...

California and New Jersey

Question: Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey has the most toxic-waste dumps? Answer: New Jersey had first choice....

Celebrity Muff-Divers

DJ Khaled, that guy who will not stop shouting his name in every damn song, caused a bit of an uproar last spring when he casually declared on live radio that he does not partake in the eating of beaver. According to the rapper, there are “different rules for men” and “a woman should praise...

The Real Fake News: Mueller Witch Hunt Uncovers Coven

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A year and a half into the Special Counsel investigation of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 Presidential election, Robert Mueller and his team have revealed the existence of a large coven of witches with ties to the Trump campaign. “It’s no secret that Mueller’s team has issued over 100 criminal charges against more than...

Drive-Thru Sex

As if cuckoo clocks and chocolate weren’t enough of a contribution to global happiness, the Swiss have stepped up with a real third-act topper in the form of a safe and convenient solution for the sex work trade. Four words: drive-thru sex booths. Or is that three? While prostitution has been legal in Switzerland since...

Porn, The Great Equalizer

The grim truth of our reality is that we live in a world where Presidents pay off porn stars and no one bats an eyelash. So it’s a source of some comfort to see a similar turd of a human being get his comeuppance in the form of a giant triple-decker irony sandwich. The turd...

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