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Stoned Driver

After California legalized the recreational use of marijuana, a city police department held a special training session to get officers up to speed on recognizing when a motorist might be driving while under the influence of weed. During the session an officer asked, “How are we supposed to distinguish a stoned driver from a drunk...

humor

Eye Exam

During an eye exam, Joe’s doctor asked, “How’s your vision?” “It’s getting better,” Joe told him. “I have double vision now.” “How’s that getting better?!” the optometrist howled. With a sly grin, Joe replied, “I get to have sex with twins every night.” ...

humor

Birthday Gift

Question: Why was the young man disappointed when he was given a sweater as a birthday gift? Answer: He’d been hoping for a screamer or a moaner. ...

humor

Fucking Taxes

After Tony died and was judged, God told him he couldn’t go to heaven right away because he had sinned. “What did I do wrong?” Tony wondered. “You cheated on your taxes,” God replied. “To get into heaven, you will have to sleep with a 400-pound, butt-ugly woman for five years. Meet Denice.” Deciding this...

humor

Farting Accident

Brenda farted while bending over to look at a diamond ring in a jewelry store. Embarrassed, she glanced around and saw a salesman standing behind her. “How may I help you?” he asked. Hoping he hadn’t heard her “accident,” Brenda gasped, “How much is this lovely ring?” “Ma’am, if you farted just looking at it,”...

humor

Beef Strokenoff

Question: What do you call a masturbating cow? Answer: Beef strokenoff....

humor

Postage Stamps

A twentysomething named Alicia went to her gynecologist. “What seems to be the problem?” he inquired. “Something is terribly wrong,” Alicia replied. “I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.” The gyno took a peek, chuckled and said, “Those aren’t postage stamps, my dear. They’re the stickers on bananas.”...

humor

Two Park Statues

There were two statues in a park, one depicting a nude man and the other a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for 100 years when one day an angel came down from the sky and brought the two statues to life. The angel told them, “As a reward for...

humor

A Dead Guy

Question: What do you call a guy who doesn’t like having his dick sucked? Answer: Dead. ...

humor

Phil and Mary Watch TV

A married couple were at home watching TV one night. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel. Mary became more and more annoyed. Finally she muttered, “For God’s sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!” ...

humor

Wife Wanted

Question: What happened when a lonely bachelor took out a classified ad reading “Wife Wanted”? Answer: The next day he received more than 200,000 responses saying “Take mine!”...

humor

Cabbie Gives Advice

A married man returned a day early from a business trip. While en route from the airport in a taxi, he told the driver, “I think that my wife is having an affair, and I want to catch her in the act. I’ll pay you an extra $100 if you’ll be my witness.” The cabbie...

humor

Cheap Parrot

Jennifer went into a pet store and spotted a parrot on sale for $25. “Why is this parrot so cheap?” she asked the shopkeeper. “Look, lady,” he said. “I’ll level with you. This bird used to live in a whorehouse, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” Jennifer decided to buy it anyway. She...

humor

When a Man Remembers

Question: What does it mean when a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after their first date? Answer: She had small tits. ...

humor

Toothpaste This Time

A blonde dropped off a skirt at the cleaners. On her way out the door the lady at the counter said, “Come again.” The blonde looked back and said, “No, it was toothpaste this time.”...

humor

Dorothy and Edna

Two middle-aged spinsters were chatting. “George Johnson asked me out for a date,” Dorothy divulged. “I know you went out with him last week, Edna, so I wanted to talk with you about him before I give my answer.” “I’ll tell you everything,” Edna said. “George showed up at my house punctually at 7 p.m.,...

humor

Worthless Bum

Karen confided to her friend Janice, “I gave a worthless bum a blowjob last night.” Shocked, Janice asked, “What about your marriage?” “Oh, my husband knows all about it,” Karen assured her. “He does?!” Janice yelped. “What did he say?” Karen replied, “He said, ‘Thank you.’ It was the first blowjob I’d given him in...

humor

Look at the Pictures

Question: What’s the difference between men and women? Answer: If you don’t know, you need to look at the pictures in this magazine. ...

humor

Finally Together

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer, and Judy married again. She and Bob raised seven more kids. After Bob was killed in a car accident, Judy wed John and had five more children. By the time Judy died, she’d given birth to 25 children. Standing before her...

humor

Speech Therapist

A sexy speech therapist named Carla was at an impasse with three male stutterers. Deciding it was time for drastic action, she announced, “I’ll give a blowjob to the man who can tell me where he was born without stuttering.” Patrick quickly stood up and said, “B-b-b-boston.” He angrily shook his head and sat down....

humor

Low-tech

Three women from different countries were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed her forearm, and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager,” the American explained. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.” A few minutes later a phone...

humor

Nympho in a Convent

Question: What do you call a nympho in a convent? Answer: Lost. ...

humor

Short-term Memory Loss

Opponents of laws legalizing the recreational use of marijuana argue that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. Next they’ll be saying that smoking weed causes short-term memory loss. ...

humor

Leery Husband

Leery husband: “Honey, where are you?” Wife: “At home, dear.” Husband: “Are you sure?” Wife: “Yes.” Husband: “Turn on the blender.” Wife: (Blender starts up.) RWRWRWR . Husband: “Okay, dear. Goodbye.” Another day. Leery husband: “Honey, where are you?” Wife: “At home, dear.” Husband: “Are you sure?” Wife: “Yes.” Husband: “Turn on the blender.” Wife:...

humor

Marrying a Nymphomaniac

Question: What’s the worst thing about marrying a nymphomaniac? Answer: In a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac doesn’t. ...

humor

Coming

HUSTLER Wisdom: Why is it called “coming” when you’re already there? ...

humor

Moving to Nevada

A husband walked into the bedroom and found his wife packing a suitcase. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I’m moving to Nevada,” his wife told him. “I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I’m doing for you for free!” Later that night, before making her getaway, the wife walked back into...

humor

AAA Penis

The nurse assured Tony, “Of course I won’t laugh. I’m a professional. In my 20 years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “Okay, then,” Tony said as he proceeded to drop his pants and shorts, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. It was the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control...

humor

Somebody Else Shot the Lion

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for a checkup and announced, “My 20- year-old wife is pregnant. Isn’t that amazing? What’s your opinion, Doc?” “Let me tell you a story,” the M.D. responded. “A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of a rifle. He walks into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts...

humor

Wipe Your Pecker

Question: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Answer: Wipe your pecker on the curtains. ...

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