Bits & Pieces

Articles with unfiltered opinions

Cartoons

Illustrated monthly funnies

Jokes

Dirty jokes for your dirty mind

Parodies

Unapologetic political satire

close slideout
Latest HUSTLER Magazine cover issue
Magazine new arrow

November 2025

Join HUSTLER Magazine trial promo image

Intro Offer:
3 days for only $0.99!

Search

Sliding Scale

Three friends were walking around town when they came across a prostitute soliciting on a street corner. Attracted by her good looks, they inquired about her rates. “Actually I operate on a sliding scale,” the hooker said. “You see, I charge $10 an inch.” The men accepted and went off to her apartment, where they...

Dr. Smith

A flat-chested woman named Sally went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her tits. He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, ‘Scooby, dooby, doobies, I want bigger boobies.’” Sally did this every day faithfully, and after several months it worked. Her breasts were getting...

Car Insurance

Question: Why do women pay less than men for car insurance? Answer: Women don’t get blowjobs while they’re driving. ...

Father Ryan

Three nuns were walking around the convent. One used her hands to describe the tremendous cucumber she’d bought at the farmers market. The second nun, also with her hands, described the huge grapefruit she’d bought. The third nun, who was a little deaf, asked, “Are you talking about Father Ryan?” ...

First Date

While on a first date a couple decided to park on a lovers’ lane. The fella leaned over and gave the girl a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and guided her hand to his penis. Furious, the girl opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just...

Barbara

Barbara had been celibate for three long years when she stepped into a bar and announced, “If any man can guess the last time I had sex, he can fuck me!” “This morning!” Joe shouted. “Close enough,” Barbara said....

Tom & Enid

The two 90-year-olds had been dating for a few weeks when Tom told Enid, “Tonight’s the night we have sex.” And so they did. As they were lying in bed afterward, Tom thought to himself, My God! If I had known she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her. Meanwhile...

Politicians

HUSTLER Wisdom: The only problem with politicians is that 99% of them give the rest a bad name. ...

Turner Brown

A short guy named Clancy stepped into an elevator, looked up and saw a hulk of a man standing next to him. Noticing the little fella staring at him, the behemoth grunted, “Seven feet, 350 pounds, 12-inch penis, three-pound testicles, Turner Brown.” Clancy fainted and collapsed on the elevator floor. The big man knelt down...

Pregnant Woman and a Lightbulb

Question: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb. ...

Diagnostic Computer

While standing in line in the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. Guess I’d better see a doctor.” “You don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike assured him. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore on the corner. Give it a urine sample, and the gizmo...

Golf Problems

Two friends were on the golf course. “I wish my wife had never taken up golf,” one of them grumbled. “She spends so much time practicing these days, she only makes love to me once a week.” “You’re lucky,” his buddy remarked. “She’s cut some of us off altogether.”...

Carla and Fran

Two wives, Carla and Fran, had a girls’ night out and got drunk at a bar. Too shitfaced to drive, they started walking home, but soon had to pee. So they went into a cemetery, but had nothing to wipe with. Carla used her panties, while Fran grabbed a wreath from a gravestone. The next...

HUSTLER Picks

  • Brushing Up on Going Down: The Pros’ Guide to Eating Pussy
  • The Business of Pleasure: How to Succeed in Sex Work (by Really Trying)
  • Three Is a Magic Number