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“Happy anniversary, dear. I got my secretary to give me a blowjob so you wouldn’t have to.”

“Happy anniversary, dear. I got my secretary to give me a blowjob so you wouldn’t have to.”...

humor

“Father, it’s not that we don’t trust you with our children, but just to be on the safe side, we need to cut your balls off.”

“Father, it’s not that we don’t trust you with our children, but just to be on the safe side, we need to cut your balls off.”...

humor

“Oh, great…you’ll forgive Trump, but you won’t forgive me! ”

“Oh, great…you’ll forgive Trump, but you won’t forgive me! ”...

humor

“Why did I shoot him? Well, he’s black and, you know, yadda, yadda, yadda.”

“Why did I shoot him? Well, he’s black and, you know, yadda, yadda, yadda.”...

humor

“Sorry, Helen. I swear, I was only thinking about procreation. How I got turned around and my penis ended up in your mouth…heaven only knows!”

“Sorry, Helen. I swear, I was only thinking about procreation. How I got turned around and my penis ended up in your mouth…heaven only knows!”...

humor

PUTIN: PUTTING THE PU IN REPUBLICAN.

PUTIN: PUTTING THE PU IN REPUBLICAN....

humor

“‘Do nothing Congress’! What bullshit! I’ve collected over 2 million in lobbyist cash, held 18 fund-raisers, molested two pages and went on paid junkets to Paris, Bangkok and Maui!”

“‘Do nothing Congress’! What bullshit! I’ve collected over 2 million in lobbyist cash, held 18 fund-raisers, molested two pages and went on paid junkets to Paris, Bangkok and Maui!”...

humor

“What I like about Trump is, now my parents don’t bug me about becoming President anymore.”

“What I like about Trump is, now my parents don’t bug me about becoming President anymore.”...

humor

“Ted, we’ve been sent here on our Mormon mission to save these souls for Jesus. I say fuck that!”

“Ted, we’ve been sent here on our Mormon mission to save these souls for Jesus. I say fuck that!”...

humor

“You’re certainly blessed, son. Who would’ve thought this big, dumb son of a bitch in the White House would come along and make you look like a fucking genius as President.”

“You’re certainly blessed, son. Who would’ve thought this big, dumb son of a bitch in the White House would come along and make you look like a fucking genius as President.”...

humor

“You believe in ‘Let Trump be Trump.’ How about letting Stan be Stan?”

“You believe in ‘Let Trump be Trump.’ How about letting Stan be Stan?”...

humor

“Run for Congress. Then you won’t need courage or a brain.”

“Run for Congress. Then you won’t need courage or a brain.”...

humor

“This just in: Kellyanne Conway has taken the top spot from Ann Coulter in the ‘ignorant conservative blond cunt correspondent’ category.”

“This just in: Kellyanne Conway has taken the top spot from Ann Coulter in the ‘ignorant conservative blond cunt correspondent’ category.”...

humor

“They call it PMS because mad cow disease was already taken.”

“They call it PMS because mad cow disease was already taken.”...

humor

“It’s funny, really. Everybody said we were made for each other!”

“It’s funny, really. Everybody said we were made for each other!”...

humor

“What are my intentions? Sir, your daughter is the neighborhood slut. So what do you think my intentions are?”

“What are my intentions? Sir, your daughter is the neighborhood slut. So what do you think my intentions are?”...

humor

“Look at all the people who died this year from plane crashes, ferries sinking, landslides or gun violence. And you bitch about sucking a little dick?!”

“Look at all the people who died this year from plane crashes, ferries sinking, landslides or gun violence. And you bitch about sucking a little dick?!”...

humor

“In a startling event today at the conservative action caucus, actual bull feces spilled from the mouth of keynote speaker Newt Gingrich!”

“In a startling event today at the conservative action caucus, actual bull feces spilled from the mouth of keynote speaker Newt Gingrich!”...

humor

“…and I believe Jesus wants homosexuals to burn in hell! Democrats too!”

“…and I believe Jesus wants homosexuals to burn in hell! Democrats too!”...

humor

“Dear, you spend $200,000 a year on shit and don’t put out. My secretary gets $30,000 a year and sucks my dick. I’d say I’m getting a bargain!”

“Dear, you spend $200,000 a year on shit and don’t put out. My secretary gets $30,000 a year and sucks my dick. I’d say I’m getting a bargain!”...

humor

“When my father isn’t kissing me on the lips and groping my ass, he’s a perfectly normal dad.”

“When my father isn’t kissing me on the lips and groping my ass, he’s a perfectly normal dad.”...

humor

“If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart.”

“If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart.”...

humor

“I’m not moaning because I’m having an orgasm. I’m moaning because I’m not! ”

“I’m not moaning because I’m having an orgasm. I’m moaning because I’m not! ”...

humor

Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger

Question: Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger? Answer: They were trying to breed a bullet-proof Kennedy. ...

humor

Sliding Scale

Three friends were walking around town when they came across a prostitute soliciting on a street corner. Attracted by her good looks, they inquired about her rates. “Actually I operate on a sliding scale,” the hooker said. “You see, I charge $10 an inch.” The men accepted and went off to her apartment, where they...

humor

Dr. Smith

A flat-chested woman named Sally went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her tits. He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, ‘Scooby, dooby, doobies, I want bigger boobies.’” Sally did this every day faithfully, and after several months it worked. Her breasts were getting...

humor

Car Insurance

Question: Why do women pay less than men for car insurance? Answer: Women don’t get blowjobs while they’re driving. ...

humor

Father Ryan

Three nuns were walking around the convent. One used her hands to describe the tremendous cucumber she’d bought at the farmers market. The second nun, also with her hands, described the huge grapefruit she’d bought. The third nun, who was a little deaf, asked, “Are you talking about Father Ryan?” ...

humor

First Date

While on a first date a couple decided to park on a lovers’ lane. The fella leaned over and gave the girl a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and guided her hand to his penis. Furious, the girl opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just...

humor

Barbara

Barbara had been celibate for three long years when she stepped into a bar and announced, “If any man can guess the last time I had sex, he can fuck me!” “This morning!” Joe shouted. “Close enough,” Barbara said....

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