Dating a Hooker
Dating a hooker is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you with disgust, but deep down inside they want some too. ...
Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Search
A Soldier and a Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he gasped, “Sister, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed, and a few moments later two military police officers approached her and asked, “Did you see a soldier running this way?” Pointing to her right, the nun replied, “He went...
Travis From Next Door
A husband stepped into the shower just as his wife, Suzie, was getting out. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Suzie quickly wrapped herself in a bath towel and ran downstairs. When she opened the door, there stood Travis, the next-door neighbor. Before Suzie could utter a word, Travis proposed, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that...
Small Tits
Question: What does it mean when a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after their first date? Answer: She had small tits....
Car Crash
Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. In the smashed vehicle the driver was howling in agony. One of the paramedics looked at him and said, “Please calm down, sir. At least you didn’t go through the windshield like your passenger.” The driver screamed back, “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”...
Pubic Hairs
HUSTLER Wisdom: If you ever feel powerless, keep this in mind: Just one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant. ...
Tom and Janice
Tom and Janice started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After going at it for a while, Tom finally got up and muttered, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.” “Me too!” Janice exclaimed. “You’ve been eating grass for the past 15 minutes.” ...
Unexpected Sex
The HUSTLER Dictionary defines unexpected sex as: a good thing to wake up to—unless you’re in prison....
Chucky the Rooster
When an old farmer named Lucas went to town to see a movie, the cashier asked, “What’s that on your shoulder, sir?” “That’s my pet rooster Chucky,” Lucas replied. “Wherever I go, Chucky goes.” “I’m sorry,” the cashier said, “but we don’t allow animals in the theater.” So Lucas dashed around the corner and stuffed...
Goldie
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida. Being a friendly young lady, she attempted to strike up a conversation with the handsome gentleman reading a book on the towel next to hers. “Hello, sir,” Goldie said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do,” the gent responded, giving Goldie a quick peek before returning to...
A Clergyman and a Streetwalker
Late one night a clergyman approached a streetwalker and asked, “What would your mother say if she saw you here doing this?” “She’d kill me!” the hooker exclaimed. “I’m on her corner!”...
New Password
A husband and wife were trying to create a password for their new computer. The husband typed “my penis,” and the wife fell to the floor laughing. The message on the screen read, “Error. Not long enough.”...
Mixed Emotions
The HUSTLER Dictionary defines mixed emotions as: having your teenage daughter win first prize in a sword-swallowing contest. ...
Alan and Sally
A conventioneer named Alan was in Chicago, where he met Sally in the hotel bar and invited her up to his room. After a few drinks the adorable twenty-something sat in his lap and whispered, “Would you like me to hug you?” “Sure,” Alan replied, pulling her closer. “And would you like me to kiss...
Like in the Movies
Joe and his girlfriend were having sex one night when she looked at him and demanded, “Make love to me like in the movies.” So Joe fucked her in the ass, pulled out and came all over her face and hair. The poor guy hasn’t seen the girl ever since. Guess they don’t watch the...
Hiking Money
A man came home from a long business trip and found his son riding a brand-new bicycle. “Who bought you that bike?” the father growled. “I did,” his son replied. “I bought it with the money I earned hiking.” “Hiking?!” the father bellowed. “Who pays anyone to go hiking?” “The deliveryman,” the boy explained. “Every...
Olav and Grete
Olav and Grete, Norwegian immigrants who’d been married for almost 30 years, were lying in bed one night. Grete leaned over and asked, “Olav, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years together?” “Not even once!” Olav exclaimed. “But have you been unfaithful?” “Well, er, yes,” Grete stammered. “But only three times.” “Three times?”...
Viagra and Disneyland
Question: How is Viagra just like Disneyland? Answer: You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride. ...
Golf Balls
Bill boarded a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a pretty blonde. As the bus rolled down the street, the girl kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally Bill muttered, “It’s golf balls.” The puzzled blonde continued to look at Bill, thinking...
Tits Are Proof
HUSTLER Wisdom: Tits are proof that a man can concentrate on more than one thing at a time. ...
Shaina
Shaina came home late one night and quietly opened the bedroom door. From under the blanket she saw four feet instead of just her husband’s pair. Thinking she’d caught Lou cheating on her, she took a baseball bat from the closet and starting whacking the blanket as hard as she could. Once Shaina was done,...
Stoned Driver
After California legalized the recreational use of marijuana, a city police department held a special training session to get officers up to speed on recognizing when a motorist might be driving while under the influence of weed. During the session an officer asked, “How are we supposed to distinguish a stoned driver from a drunk...
Eye Exam
During an eye exam, Joe’s doctor asked, “How’s your vision?” “It’s getting better,” Joe told him. “I have double vision now.” “How’s that getting better?!” the optometrist howled. With a sly grin, Joe replied, “I get to have sex with twins every night.” ...
Birthday Gift
Question: Why was the young man disappointed when he was given a sweater as a birthday gift? Answer: He’d been hoping for a screamer or a moaner. ...
Fucking Taxes
After Tony died and was judged, God told him he couldn’t go to heaven right away because he had sinned. “What did I do wrong?” Tony wondered. “You cheated on your taxes,” God replied. “To get into heaven, you will have to sleep with a 400-pound, butt-ugly woman for five years. Meet Denice.” Deciding this...
Farting Accident
Brenda farted while bending over to look at a diamond ring in a jewelry store. Embarrassed, she glanced around and saw a salesman standing behind her. “How may I help you?” he asked. Hoping he hadn’t heard her “accident,” Brenda gasped, “How much is this lovely ring?” “Ma’am, if you farted just looking at it,”...
Beef Strokenoff
Question: What do you call a masturbating cow? Answer: Beef strokenoff....
Postage Stamps
A twentysomething named Alicia went to her gynecologist. “What seems to be the problem?” he inquired. “Something is terribly wrong,” Alicia replied. “I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina.” The gyno took a peek, chuckled and said, “Those aren’t postage stamps, my dear. They’re the stickers on bananas.”...
Two Park Statues
There were two statues in a park, one depicting a nude man and the other a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for 100 years when one day an angel came down from the sky and brought the two statues to life. The angel told them, “As a reward for...
A Dead Guy
Question: What do you call a guy who doesn’t like having his dick sucked? Answer: Dead. ...
