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First Date

While on a first date a couple decided to park on a lovers’ lane. The fella leaned over and gave the girl a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and guided her hand to his penis. Furious, the girl opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just...

humor

Barbara

Barbara had been celibate for three long years when she stepped into a bar and announced, “If any man can guess the last time I had sex, he can fuck me!” “This morning!” Joe shouted. “Close enough,” Barbara said....

humor

Tom & Enid

The two 90-year-olds had been dating for a few weeks when Tom told Enid, “Tonight’s the night we have sex.” And so they did. As they were lying in bed afterward, Tom thought to himself, My God! If I had known she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her. Meanwhile...

humor

Politicians

HUSTLER Wisdom: The only problem with politicians is that 99% of them give the rest a bad name. ...

humor

Turner Brown

A short guy named Clancy stepped into an elevator, looked up and saw a hulk of a man standing next to him. Noticing the little fella staring at him, the behemoth grunted, “Seven feet, 350 pounds, 12-inch penis, three-pound testicles, Turner Brown.” Clancy fainted and collapsed on the elevator floor. The big man knelt down...

humor

Pregnant Woman and a Lightbulb

Question: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb. ...

humor

Diagnostic Computer

While standing in line in the company cafeteria, Jack said to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. Guess I’d better see a doctor.” “You don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike assured him. “There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore on the corner. Give it a urine sample, and the gizmo...

humor

Golf Problems

Two friends were on the golf course. “I wish my wife had never taken up golf,” one of them grumbled. “She spends so much time practicing these days, she only makes love to me once a week.” “You’re lucky,” his buddy remarked. “She’s cut some of us off altogether.”...

humor

Carla and Fran

Two wives, Carla and Fran, had a girls’ night out and got drunk at a bar. Too shitfaced to drive, they started walking home, but soon had to pee. So they went into a cemetery, but had nothing to wipe with. Carla used her panties, while Fran grabbed a wreath from a gravestone. The next...

humor

Dating a Hooker

Dating a hooker is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you with disgust, but deep down inside they want some too. ...

humor

A Soldier and a Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he gasped, “Sister, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed, and a few moments later two military police officers approached her and asked, “Did you see a soldier running this way?” Pointing to her right, the nun replied, “He went...

humor

Travis From Next Door

A husband stepped into the shower just as his wife, Suzie, was getting out. Suddenly the doorbell rang. Suzie quickly wrapped herself in a bath towel and ran downstairs. When she opened the door, there stood Travis, the next-door neighbor. Before Suzie could utter a word, Travis proposed, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that...

humor

Small Tits

Question: What does it mean when a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after their first date? Answer: She had small tits....

humor

Car Crash

Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. In the smashed vehicle the driver was howling in agony. One of the paramedics looked at him and said, “Please calm down, sir. At least you didn’t go through the windshield like your passenger.” The driver screamed back, “You haven’t seen what’s in her mouth!”...

humor

Pubic Hairs

HUSTLER Wisdom: If you ever feel powerless, keep this in mind: Just one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant. ...

humor

Tom and Janice

Tom and Janice started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After going at it for a while, Tom finally got up and muttered, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.” “Me too!” Janice exclaimed. “You’ve been eating grass for the past 15 minutes.” ...

humor

Unexpected Sex

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines unexpected sex as: a good thing to wake up to—unless you’re in prison....

humor

Chucky the Rooster

When an old farmer named Lucas went to town to see a movie, the cashier asked, “What’s that on your shoulder, sir?” “That’s my pet rooster Chucky,” Lucas replied. “Wherever I go, Chucky goes.” “I’m sorry,” the cashier said, “but we don’t allow animals in the theater.” So Lucas dashed around the corner and stuffed...

humor

Goldie

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida. Being a friendly young lady, she attempted to strike up a conversation with the handsome gentleman reading a book on the towel next to hers. “Hello, sir,” Goldie said. “Do you like movies?” “Yes, I do,” the gent responded, giving Goldie a quick peek before returning to...

humor

A Clergyman and a Streetwalker

Late one night a clergyman approached a streetwalker and asked, “What would your mother say if she saw you here doing this?” “She’d kill me!” the hooker exclaimed. “I’m on her corner!”...

humor

New Password

A husband and wife were trying to create a password for their new computer. The husband typed “my penis,” and the wife fell to the floor laughing. The message on the screen read, “Error. Not long enough.”...

humor

Mixed Emotions

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines mixed emotions as: having your teenage daughter win first prize in a sword-swallowing contest. ...

humor

Alan and Sally

A conventioneer named Alan was in Chicago, where he met Sally in the hotel bar and invited her up to his room. After a few drinks the adorable twenty-something sat in his lap and whispered, “Would you like me to hug you?” “Sure,” Alan replied, pulling her closer. “And would you like me to kiss...

humor

Like in the Movies

Joe and his girlfriend were having sex one night when she looked at him and demanded, “Make love to me like in the movies.” So Joe fucked her in the ass, pulled out and came all over her face and hair. The poor guy hasn’t seen the girl ever since. Guess they don’t watch the...

humor

Hiking Money

A man came home from a long business trip and found his son riding a brand-new bicycle. “Who bought you that bike?” the father growled. “I did,” his son replied. “I bought it with the money I earned hiking.” “Hiking?!” the father bellowed. “Who pays anyone to go hiking?” “The deliveryman,” the boy explained. “Every...

humor

Olav and Grete

Olav and Grete, Norwegian immigrants who’d been married for almost 30 years, were lying in bed one night. Grete leaned over and asked, “Olav, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years together?” “Not even once!” Olav exclaimed. “But have you been unfaithful?” “Well, er, yes,” Grete stammered. “But only three times.” “Three times?”...

humor

Viagra and Disneyland

Question: How is Viagra just like Disneyland? Answer: You have to wait an hour for a three-minute ride. ...

humor

Golf Balls

Bill boarded a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a pretty blonde. As the bus rolled down the street, the girl kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally Bill muttered, “It’s golf balls.” The puzzled blonde continued to look at Bill, thinking...

humor

Tits Are Proof

HUSTLER Wisdom: Tits are proof that a man can concentrate on more than one thing at a time. ...

humor

Shaina

Shaina came home late one night and quietly opened the bedroom door. From under the blanket she saw four feet instead of just her husband’s pair. Thinking she’d caught Lou cheating on her, she took a baseball bat from the closet and starting whacking the blanket as hard as she could. Once Shaina was done,...

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