“I don’t think you need psychiatric help at all. Your head is in the right place!”
“I don’t think you need psychiatric help at all. Your head is in the right place!”...
Bits & Pieces
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“If we’re going to win this election, we’ll need honesty, imagination, compassion and money. Unfortunately, all we have is money.”
“If we’re going to win this election, we’ll need honesty, imagination, compassion and money. Unfortunately, all we have is money.”...
Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist was telling dumb blonde jokes onstage when a member of his audience, a young fair-haired woman, stood up to complain. “I’ve heard just about enough of your dumb blonde jokes,” she shouted. “What makes you think you can stereotype women this way? Tell me, what does the color of a person’s hair have...
Whiskers
When she turned 70, Gladys decided to go through some old boxes. She climbed up into the attic, her cat Whiskers following at her heels. In one of the boxes Gladys found a lamp. She started polishing it and whoosh—out popped a genie offering her three wishes. Immediately Gladys wished to live in a beautiful...
The Dentist
“I’ve fallen head over heels in love with my dentist,” Bambie confided to her best friend. “I’m going to propose to him tonight!” Her friend’s jaw dropped. “What the fuck!” she exclaimed, astonished. ” You’re beautiful, you’re young, and you have dozens of men who worship the ground you walk on. You could have absolutely...
Nudist Beach
Question: How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach? Answer: It’s not hard....
Vacation
Billybob and his best friend Luther were talking. Billybob said, “I reckon I’m about ready for a vacation. This time I’m gonna do it different. Last few years I been taking your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went and Earlene got pregnant. Then you told...
Total Loser
Feeling depressed and anxious, a man went to see a noted psychiatrist. “I know exactly what your problem is,” said the doctor after hearing the man’s life story. “It’s a simple matter of low self-esteem.” “Oh?” the man responded hopefully. “Don’t worry,” said the psychiatrist. “It’s very common among total losers.”...
Truly Mortifying
The hundreds gathered at Thornhill Crematorium in Cardiff to mourn a man killed in a car accident were horrified to see hardcore porn projected during the funeral service. The X-rated footage appeared on a large screen and ran for nearly four minutes before staff was able to shut off the video. Wishing to remain anonymous,...
Young John’s Schlong
“I can keep an erection almost indefinitely,” porn legend John Holmes told HUSTLER in 1983. “I can also keep an erection straddling a girl at the edge of a cliff, looking down at 300 feet of nothing, with my knees bleeding from the sandstone surface. I come on cue.” Holmes might have been exaggerating, but...
Club Girl: Shavelle Love
Shavelle declares. “It’s a place where anything goes. I love the heat. Traffic isn’t bad. Everything is open. Parking is never a problem. And there’s always a pool party somewhere!” According to Shavelle, the nightlife in Vegas is the best in the world. “Bars are open 24/7. And people come here from all over the...
Rooms With a View
Suspecting that she might be her generation’s Don McCullin, 17-year-old Jo Broughton wanted to change the world through photography. Thing is, she sucked at art school. “I was really bad,” she laughs. “Not attending properly, always late. A complete misfit.” Thinking work experience might help, an instructor sent her to photographer Steve Colby’s studio in...
Furry Fury
Hey, furries, Tony the Tiger has had it up to here with your smutty tweets. The Kellogg cereal mascot tried being patient with the furry fans who flooded his official Twitter account with lewd, lascivious comments and requests for nude photos, spankings and bondage sessions. Even the most innocent tweet seemed to enflame perverted responses....
Hap-Penis
The world’s first FDA-cleared penis implant is here. Yeah, yeah—we know, bigger isn’t better, and most women say they don’t care how big a dick is (according to a 2014 report based on a study of 26,437 women ages 18-65, 84% are “very satisfied” with their partner’s penis size). But we also know damn well...
“You have erectile dysfunction and Alzheimer’s…so just forget about it.”
“You have erectile dysfunction and Alzheimer’s…so just forget about it.”...
“I have terrible news, sweetheart. Your father screamed at me that he’d rather be dead than see some Democratic cunt in the White House! Then he pulled out his pistol and shot himself…five times!”
“I have terrible news, sweetheart. Your father screamed at me that he’d rather be dead than see some Democratic cunt in the White House! Then he pulled out his pistol and shot himself…five times!”...
“Press one for more options.”
“Press one for more options.”...
“Y’all may as well abort this shit, since some fucking racist cop’s just gonna pop 20 caps in his ass 16 years from now!”
“Y’all may as well abort this shit, since some fucking racist cop’s just gonna pop 20 caps in his ass 16 years from now!”...
“Cialis doesn’t work! Viagra doesn’t work! Herbal medicines don’t work! You know what works? An 18-year-old slut! *That’s* what works!”
“Cialis doesn’t work! Viagra doesn’t work! Herbal medicines don’t work! You know what works? An 18-year-old slut! *That’s* what works!”...
“I gotta hand it to you, babe. Every time I think of leaving you, you talk me out of it!”
“I gotta hand it to you, babe. Every time I think of leaving you, you talk me out of it!”...
“We’ve got them coming and going, bud! We sell guns to good people that want to protect their families and we sell guns to the nutjobs and crooks that the honest folks want to shield themselves from! Just keep voting Republican!”
“We’ve got them coming and going, bud! We sell guns to good people that want to protect their families and we sell guns to the nutjobs and crooks that the honest folks want to shield themselves from! Just keep voting Republican!”...
“He wasn’t menacing or wearing a hoodie or playing loud music. I shot him because he’s black.”
“He wasn’t menacing or wearing a hoodie or playing loud music. I shot him because he’s black.”...
“Fox News—delivering the news as we see it. Not necessarily as it is.”
“Fox News—delivering the news as we see it. Not necessarily as it is.”...
“It’s a good thing Der Führer is not alive to witness the Volkswagen scandal. It has brought such shame to Germany!”
“It’s a good thing Der Führer is not alive to witness the Volkswagen scandal. It has brought such shame to Germany!”...
“I suggest a trial separation…”
“I suggest a trial separation…”...
