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November 2025

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Pimp My Ride

Dutch parliament member Gert-Jan Segers got a stiff lesson in “If you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the question.” A member of the ChristenUnie, a socially conservative Christian political party, Segers has spent his career trying to prove that legalizing prostitution in the Netherlands has been a complete failure. Only thing is, he’s had...

Hot As Hell

New research from the National Bureau of Economic Research suggests that higher temperatures will hurt reproductive health by reducing both fertility and “coital frequency.” Hey, you can’t fool us—that means the hotter it gets, the less we’re getting laid, dammit! After crunching data from 1931 through 2010, researchers confirmed that U.S. birth rates peak in...

Club Girl: Onyx Muse

My regular customers always brighten up my night when they visit unexpectedly. When I connect with someone, we experience things together. Those memories are special, spiritual and therapeutic experiences that go beyond just getting a front-row seat to boobies.” Our 26-year-old May Club Girl loves shocking patrons. “Sometimes the guys mistakenly think I’ll be innocent...

Motherfuck

What makes us adore MILFs? Is it that certain grace a woman acquires with maturity? Is it the knowledge of pleasure and sexual experience she offers? Or is it simply the desire to feed some misplaced, milk-craving Oedipus complex? HUSTLER doesn’t have psychotherapists on staff to help us untangle these complex questions (which is probably...

Serving The Armed Services

For the past three years Mike Busey, founder of the Sausage Castle, a famed party house in Central Florida, has honored Veterans Day by sending pizza to veterans and active service members around the world. This year, inspired to do more, he called up his porn star friend Jenny Jizz. A mere 48 hours later...

Do You Have Dildos?

Well into her 80s, Gertie opened the front door of a sex shop and entered. Unsteady on her feet, the little old lady shuffled her way across the store to the counter. Finally arriving there, she gripped the counter for support and stared pleadingly at the sales clerk. “Dooo youuuu have d-d-d-illlldosss?” Gertie stuttered. The...

The Biggest Dick

Question: What can a wife say to make her husband both happy and sad at the same time? Answer: “Out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.”...

Sperm Bank Holdup

A gunman wearing a mask walked into a sperm bank and ordered the nurse to open the vault. “But, sir,” she said. “We’re just a sperm bank. There’s no money back there.” “Do it now,” he yelled. The nurse opened the vault, which was filled with test tube vials. “Take one and drink it,” demanded...

Bubba’s Application Form

An employment clerk in New Orleans was reviewing Bubba’s application form. Noting the figures “124” and “134” in the spaces reserved for “Age of Father, if Living,” and “Age of Mother, if Living,” he asked in amazement, “Hey, Bubba. Are your parents really that old?” “They would be, if living.”...

Letter From a Leper

Question: How do you know that you’ve received a letter from a leper? Answer: His tongue is on the envelope. ...

Heart-to-Heart

On her first visit home from college, Mary was having a heart-to-heart with her mother. “I have to tell you,” Mary confessed, “I lost my virginity the day I got there.” “It was bound to happen,” said her mother. “I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience for you.” “The first 11 guys...

Satan Is My Copilot

Even those who avoid the Trinity Broadcasting Network got a nice whiff of bullshit when a segment from Kenneth Copeland’s Believer’s Voice of Victory recently went viral. Copeland, truly one of today’s most repugnant holy rollers, sat down with fellow fork-tongue Jesse Duplantis to discuss why tax-free private jets are a church must: Televangelists need...

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