“Can’t make the game tonight, Bill. I’m under house arrest!”
“Can’t make the game tonight, Bill. I’m under house arrest!”...
Bits & Pieces
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Strongman
The owner of a local bar believed himself to be the strongest man around. To prove it, the bar offered a standing $2,000 bet: The owner would squeeze a lemon until all of its juice ran out into a glass, then toss the juiced lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more...
Wisconsin Trees
Question: Why do trees in Wisconsin lean to the south? Answer: Because Minnesota blows and Illinois sucks....
Definitely Maybe
A third-grade teacher said, “Class, today I would like one of you to use definitely in a sentence.” A little girl raised her hand and said, “The sky is definitely blue.” “Not exactly,” the teacher corrected. “Sometimes the sky is gray, and at night it’s black. Can anyone else use the word definitely in a...
Irishman Vs. Mormon
An Irishman was seated next to a Mormon on a flight from London. When the plane reached cruising altitude, the flight attendant came around to take drink orders. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant asked the Mormon if he’d like a drink. The Irishman...
Mentally Challenged Rape Suspect
Question: How do you recognize a mentally challenged rape suspect? Answer: He steps out of the police lineup and shouts, “That’s the girl!”...
Pimp My Ride
Dutch parliament member Gert-Jan Segers got a stiff lesson in “If you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the question.” A member of the ChristenUnie, a socially conservative Christian political party, Segers has spent his career trying to prove that legalizing prostitution in the Netherlands has been a complete failure. Only thing is, he’s had...
Hot As Hell
New research from the National Bureau of Economic Research suggests that higher temperatures will hurt reproductive health by reducing both fertility and “coital frequency.” Hey, you can’t fool us—that means the hotter it gets, the less we’re getting laid, dammit! After crunching data from 1931 through 2010, researchers confirmed that U.S. birth rates peak in...
Club Girl: Onyx Muse
My regular customers always brighten up my night when they visit unexpectedly. When I connect with someone, we experience things together. Those memories are special, spiritual and therapeutic experiences that go beyond just getting a front-row seat to boobies.” Our 26-year-old May Club Girl loves shocking patrons. “Sometimes the guys mistakenly think I’ll be innocent...
Motherfuck
What makes us adore MILFs? Is it that certain grace a woman acquires with maturity? Is it the knowledge of pleasure and sexual experience she offers? Or is it simply the desire to feed some misplaced, milk-craving Oedipus complex? HUSTLER doesn’t have psychotherapists on staff to help us untangle these complex questions (which is probably...
Serving The Armed Services
For the past three years Mike Busey, founder of the Sausage Castle, a famed party house in Central Florida, has honored Veterans Day by sending pizza to veterans and active service members around the world. This year, inspired to do more, he called up his porn star friend Jenny Jizz. A mere 48 hours later...
“Even though I’ve voted against parental leave for federal employees, blocked bills mandating paid maternity and sick leave and want to cut billions in child case subsidies, I feel time with my family is valuable!”
“Even though I’ve voted against parental leave for federal employees, blocked bills mandating paid maternity and sick leave and want to cut billions in child case subsidies, I feel time with my family is valuable!”...
“No, you don’t have to swallow it…but must you spit it on my neighbor?”
“No, you don’t have to swallow it…but must you spit it on my neighbor?”...
“One turned out to be a lousy President, and the other one turned out to be a lousy candidate for President. Where did we go wrong?”
“One turned out to be a lousy President, and the other one turned out to be a lousy candidate for President. Where did we go wrong?”...
“It sure is shitty being a black man. We’s either gunned down by racist cops or married to fat, ugly white bitches no one else wants.”
“It sure is shitty being a black man. We’s either gunned down by racist cops or married to fat, ugly white bitches no one else wants.”...
“Of course I had to seek foreign contributions. No one who knows me will give me money.”
“Of course I had to seek foreign contributions. No one who knows me will give me money.”...
“Holy fuck! We just got a $2-million contribution from the Koch brothers!”
“Holy fuck! We just got a $2-million contribution from the Koch brothers!”...
“I was attracted to you the moment I laid eyes on it…”
“I was attracted to you the moment I laid eyes on it…”...
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Annie having an imaginary friend. Hell, you have Jesus!”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with Annie having an imaginary friend. Hell, you have Jesus!”...
Do You Have Dildos?
Well into her 80s, Gertie opened the front door of a sex shop and entered. Unsteady on her feet, the little old lady shuffled her way across the store to the counter. Finally arriving there, she gripped the counter for support and stared pleadingly at the sales clerk. “Dooo youuuu have d-d-d-illlldosss?” Gertie stuttered. The...
The Biggest Dick
Question: What can a wife say to make her husband both happy and sad at the same time? Answer: “Out of all of your friends, you have the biggest dick.”...
