“Yes, I like that—’guaranteeing freedom, justice and cheaply available handguns’!”
“Yes, I like that—’guaranteeing freedom, justice and cheaply available handguns’!”...
Bits & Pieces
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“The first thing you must do is totally detach yourself from reality. Go home and join the Republican Party!”
“The first thing you must do is totally detach yourself from reality. Go home and join the Republican Party!”...
“That’s for you, dear—just in case. Remember you said, ‘If Hillary gets elected, I’ll kill myself!'”
“That’s for you, dear—just in case. Remember you said, ‘If Hillary gets elected, I’ll kill myself!'”...
“Well, fuck you Delores, you fat middle-aged bitch! And, hey, your mother has been giving me blowjobs since the fucking day she moved in with us!”
“Well, fuck you Delores, you fat middle-aged bitch! And, hey, your mother has been giving me blowjobs since the fucking day she moved in with us!”...
“My philosophy for a happy life is simple. If I can’t hump it, eat it or fetch it, I piss on it!”
“My philosophy for a happy life is simple. If I can’t hump it, eat it or fetch it, I piss on it!”...
Condom Shopping
After his divorce, Larry found himself in the strange position of having to buy condoms, something he hadn’t had to do for over 30 years. Overwhelmed by the vast selection at his local drugstore, Larry turned to the man behind the counter for advice. The pharmacist took Larry through the contraceptive aisle, extolling the virtues...
Contractor
Question: What do you call a prostitute with her hand up her skirt? Answer: Self-employed....
Palestinian Sex Doll
An Israeli man went to visit his brother in the hospital. When he saw that his brother’s private parts were wrapped in large bandages, he exclaimed, “Benny! What happened to you?” His brother looked sheepish. “I went to a sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll. When I got home with...
Bathroom Conversation
John was in an airport restroom, sitting on a toilet when the guy in the next stall called out, “Hi! How the hell are you?” “Um, good, I guess,” said John. “So what are you up to?” asked the oth er man. Not wanting to appear unfriendly, John explained hesitantly, “I’m traveling to Phoenix on...
Boss Lady
Question: What’s the best part about having a female boss? Answer: You make more money than she does....
Volunteer
Jessica decided it would be nice to volunteer at nursing homes and hospitals. So she took her keyboard along to the local nursing home, where she sat at patients’ bedsides singing songs and telling jokes. Bidding the bedridden farewell, the young woman said, “I hope you get better.” Replied one elderly man, “I hope you...
Carcinogenic
Question: What is the most common cause of cancer in rats? Answer: Human researchers....
Stoya: Belle of the Ballroom
HUSTLER’s favorite New Yorker, Stoya, has a theory about why she was tapped to host the 2016 XBIZ Awards. “I have a little bit of a reputation for going ahead and saying things that are scandalous,” she confesses. “It seems like the past couple of years they’ve chosen hosts that get people talking.” She cites...
Club Girl: Kat Dior
“I love risk. And being nude in public, in broad daylight, is always a rush,” confesses our March Club Girl. “It wasn’t easy walking around in heels on a train track, but hey, I made it work.” And how! Appearing at Larry Flynt’s HUSTLER Club, Las Vegas for the past year, the 22-year-old says dancing...
Holy Fuck!
During Pope Francis’s three-day whirlwind visit to the U.S., the holy man shook hands with the prominent and the downtrodden, kissed babies, and spoke movingly about love, forgiveness and charity. He also met personally with hundreds of victims of sexual abuse—that is, he offered personal comfort and solace to a large group of Catholic bishops,...
Liberating Literature
It’s hard to imagine anyone, even a hot-blooded teenager, springing a boner while reading about a middle-aged woman finding a lump on her cervix. But that’s what keeps Tennessee mom Jackie Sims up at night. She’s on a mission to remove The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks from schools in Knox County. Deemed essential reading...
“Estelle, I just heard someone break in downstairs! Take off your clothes, go down there and scare that son of a bitch to death!”
“Estelle, I just heard someone break in downstairs! Take off your clothes, go down there and scare that son of a bitch to death!”...
“I wish my gramps could see this! He got lynched back in 1923 for looking sideways at some white girl. Now we get paid for fucking them!”
“I wish my gramps could see this! He got lynched back in 1923 for looking sideways at some white girl. Now we get paid for fucking them!”...
“Fox News is full of shit!”
“Fox News is full of shit!”...
“Wow! Breakfast in bed, again! Girl, if you’re not careful, you’re gonna spoil me!”
“Wow! Breakfast in bed, again! Girl, if you’re not careful, you’re gonna spoil me!”...
“When I was not much older than you, I made the decision to join the church and took a sacred vow of pedophilia.”
“When I was not much older than you, I made the decision to join the church and took a sacred vow of pedophilia.”...
“Mom! I think I’ve found that special someone!”
“Mom! I think I’ve found that special someone!”...
