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She Can Cook

Ted opened his front door to a knock from a police officer. “Is there a problem, Officer?” Ted asked the solemn-faced cop. “Are you Theodore Cole?” “Yes.” “Do you have any recent pictures of your wife?” Ted found a picture and handed it to the officer. After looking at the photo, the officer said, “I’m...

25th Anniversary

To celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary, John took his wife Mary to the hotel where they’d honeymooned all those years ago. As Mary was undressing, she gazed at John fondly and asked, “That night when you saw me standing naked in front of you for the first time, what were you thinking?” “That all I...

Boring Sex Life

In an attempt to spice up their boring sex life, a wife bought herself a pair of crotchless panties. She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the couch opposite her husband. At strategic moments, she uncrossed her legs enough times that finally her husband noticed. “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” he...

Divorced Men

Question: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: Who knows? They never get to keep the house....

My Bloody Valentine

Chocolates? Candy? Jewelry? How about murder? Read our list of the worst Valentine’s Days. Ever. And be grateful for that shitty Whitman’s Sampler from CVS. • Juan Manuel Navarro and Ignacia Manriquez had three children together when Juan suddenly ended the relationship in 1993. Then Juan decided he wanted her back. Ignacia wasn’t into it....

Club Girl

Shelby Sparks was earning a degree in journalism and creative writing at Penn State when she took a pole dancing class, just for fun. She was good. Really good. So she entered a few competitions, and shortly after was on her way to Las Vegas to pursue competitive pole dancing to her heart’s content. “I...

Gun Crazy

Praise the Lord and pass the ammo! So goes the pretzel logic of Spike’s Tactical, a Florida gun manufacturer selling a “Christian-themed” assault rifle. Dubbed “The Crusader,” the AR-15 is etched with a Knights Templar Cross and shield (you know, the kind carried into battle by medieval crusaders) and Biblical verse: “Blessed be the Lord,...

Trump’s A Rump

Proving that he’s not one to learn from experience, Donald Trump has struck out twice now on attempts to co-opt popular music for his campaign. First The Donald blasted “Rockin’ in the Free World” at his Presidential bid kickoff event, a dick move that prompted a quick response from a pissed-off Neil Young: “Donald Trump...

Condom Shopping

After his divorce, Larry found himself in the strange position of having to buy condoms, something he hadn’t had to do for over 30 years. Overwhelmed by the vast selection at his local drugstore, Larry turned to the man behind the counter for advice. The pharmacist took Larry through the contraceptive aisle, extolling the virtues...

Contractor

Question: What do you call a prostitute with her hand up her skirt? Answer: Self-employed....

Palestinian Sex Doll

An Israeli man went to visit his brother in the hospital. When he saw that his brother’s private parts were wrapped in large bandages, he exclaimed, “Benny! What happened to you?” His brother looked sheepish. “I went to a sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll. When I got home with...

Bathroom Conversation

John was in an airport restroom, sitting on a toilet when the guy in the next stall called out, “Hi! How the hell are you?” “Um, good, I guess,” said John. “So what are you up to?” asked the oth er man. Not wanting to appear unfriendly, John explained hesitantly, “I’m traveling to Phoenix on...

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