Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
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“I can’t keep shit in my stomach.”
“I can’t keep shit in my stomach.”...
“Oh, baby—your big ol’ titties get me so hot!”
“Oh, baby—your big ol’ titties get me so hot!”...
“There’s a good reason why Republicans don’t support Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage or raising the minimum wage. We don’t give a shit.”
“There’s a good reason why Republicans don’t support Obamacare, immigration reform, gay marriage or raising the minimum wage. We don’t give a shit.”...
“I know you love her and you wanna save your marriage, but if I were you, I wouldn’t waste another dime on this little bitch!”
“I know you love her and you wanna save your marriage, but if I were you, I wouldn’t waste another dime on this little bitch!”...
“Aw, shit, it’s my husband! You’d better roll over and play dead!”
“Aw, shit, it’s my husband! You’d better roll over and play dead!”...
“Sexual technique is a lot like real estate—location…location…location!”
“Sexual technique is a lot like real estate—location…location…location!”...
“A policeman was shot by a black teenage boy today, so the police are looting and burning these stores…”
“A policeman was shot by a black teenage boy today, so the police are looting and burning these stores…”...
“During my final year as President, I’ll be using a special ‘Republicans-only’ sign language expert when addressing Congress.”
“During my final year as President, I’ll be using a special ‘Republicans-only’ sign language expert when addressing Congress.”...
“No, no. What I said was that I’d warn you if SOMEONE was coming…”
“No, no. What I said was that I’d warn you if SOMEONE was coming…”...
Adam & Eve
Adam and Eve had just finished fucking for the very first time. Adam was lying, content, in the soft grass of Eden when suddenly God appeared. “Well, my son,” the Lord said, “how didst thou like sex?” “Oh!” Adam exclaimed. “It was incredible! I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed it.” “And what didst...
Donald Trump
Question: What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra? Answer: He grows taller....
Out For a Drive
An elderly man was out for a drive when he received a phone call from his new young wife. “Dean, please be very careful,” she said. “I just heard on the radio that some idiot out there is driving the wrong way on the freeway.” “Are you kidding me?” he said. “There are hundreds of...
The Firing Squad
Three coalition soldiers—an American, a Brit and a Frenchman —were captured by their common enemy and made to face a firing squad. The American soldier was up first. As he stood against the wall, he looked behind the firing squad and shouted, “Flood!” When the militants turned to look, he ran away, escaping death. The...
New Yorkers
Question: Why are New Yorkers’ dicks always so sore? Answer: Because they’re Yankees....
Mental Hospital
Ralph and Edna, patients in a mental hospital, often took walks together. One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool when, without warning, Ralph took a running leap and jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped into the water and pulled...
Gifts For Your Naughty List
TWERKING BUTT Whoever opens this box on Christmas is sure to be impressed by your exquisite taste and refinement. Made of patented Cyberskin, the TwerkingButt is a tech nological miracle. It’s so lifelike! But wait, there’s more—the TwerkingButt features not four, not five, but six “sensual massage settings,” a “body temperature” control (though technically speaking,...
Club Girl: Avery
Avery, December’s featured dancer, has a soft spot for men who know what they want and ask for it—politely. “I’ve been dancing at HUSTLER Las Vegas since May,” says the 24-year-old beauty. “It’s the first and only gentlemen’s club I’ve ever worked at. It took me awhile to get up the nerve to ask a...
Hardcore Funny
Rejoice, die-hard fans of dirty jokes and raw, raunchy cartoons. Our sidekicks at HUSTLER HUMOR have worked their asses off in Larry Flynt’s fun factory to churn out a superfunny edition that will leave you in stitches. Share the gags with your buddies at work. Enjoy the irreverent laughs, the biting satire. Pick up the...
Bad Santas
Let the 2014 arrests across the U.S. be a lesson to bad Santas everywhere—Santa suits are not invisibility cloaks. Still, a pistol-packing Santa in Solana Beach, California, was able to evade authorities after sticking up a Chase Bank and making off with an undisclosed amount of cash. Described by witnesses as having acne-scarred red cheeks...
“Apparently, a person armed with automatic weapons simply walked into the National Rifle Association headquarters and opened fire! The media have no details at this point, and we are left with just the obvious sweet irony of it!”
“Apparently, a person armed with automatic weapons simply walked into the National Rifle Association headquarters and opened fire! The media have no details at this point, and we are left with just the obvious sweet irony of it!”...
“I really apologize for this whole burn, pillage and rape thing, but we have a reputation to maintain. So…pussy, butthole or both?”
“I really apologize for this whole burn, pillage and rape thing, but we have a reputation to maintain. So…pussy, butthole or both?”...
