Bits & Pieces
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“I’m a fiscally responsible conservative Republican. Which one of you whores gives the cheaper blowjob?”
“I’m a fiscally responsible conservative Republican. Which one of you whores gives the cheaper blowjob?”...
“The wine is my blood. The bread is my flesh. The foot-long hot dog…well, you know.”
“The wine is my blood. The bread is my flesh. The foot-long hot dog…well, you know.”...
“Wow! Being able to earn a good living doing something you really enjoy has got to be SO rewarding!”
“Wow! Being able to earn a good living doing something you really enjoy has got to be SO rewarding!”...
“My heart is strong enough. It’s my stomach that I’m worried about.”
“My heart is strong enough. It’s my stomach that I’m worried about.”...
“Once upon a time we didn’t have a goddamn kid, and Mommy would be sucking Daddy’s dick right now, and he’d live happily ever after. The end.”
“Once upon a time we didn’t have a goddamn kid, and Mommy would be sucking Daddy’s dick right now, and he’d live happily ever after. The end.”...
“Hey, babe, did I ever tell you about an organ transplant I had a few years ago?”
“Hey, babe, did I ever tell you about an organ transplant I had a few years ago?”...
“Ah, now we’re making progress! You’re starting to open up to me!”
“Ah, now we’re making progress! You’re starting to open up to me!”...
“Arthur, you and Mr. Happy can stand there till Hell freezes over, but the hum-job store is closed!”
“Arthur, you and Mr. Happy can stand there till Hell freezes over, but the hum-job store is closed!”...
“Well, for starters, she can’t take criticism. All of my mistresses suck dick better than she does.”
“Well, for starters, she can’t take criticism. All of my mistresses suck dick better than she does.”...
“Seriously, hon-one day we’ll look back on this and LAUGH!”
“Seriously, hon-one day we’ll look back on this and LAUGH!”...
“I’m trying to romance you here, bitch! Farting in my face is not cool!”
“I’m trying to romance you here, bitch! Farting in my face is not cool!”...
“See, Jeb. It’s fun to be President!”
“See, Jeb. It’s fun to be President!”...
“What does it taste like? It tastes just like chicken, of course!”
“What does it taste like? It tastes just like chicken, of course!”...
Bulldog
Little Tommy went to his father and asked, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” “Well, son,” the father said. “Before sex, a woman’s vagina looks like a perfect pink rosebud covered with perfect perfumed dew drops.” “So,” asked the kid, “what does it look like after sex?” “Well, have you ever seen a bulldog...
Confessions
An extremely competitive married couple were playing golf one day. As they were waiting for the group in front of them to finish putting, the hubby turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I have a confession to make: A few years back, I had an affair with my secretary.” The wife said nothing, but...
American Bar Association
Question: Why does the American Bar Association prohibit lawyers from fucking their clients? Answer: To prevent clients from being billed for the same service twice....
Prayers
In church one morning, the preacher called out, “Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the altar.” So Leroy immediately got in line. When it was his turn, the good preacher asked him, “What would you like us to pray about for you?” Leroy replied, “Father, I need...
Gold Digger
Question: What is a gold digger’s favorite position? Answer: CEO....
Bad Tattoo
Sitting at a bar drinking beer, John and Nick struck up a conversation about women. “I always look for a woman with blond hair, shapely legs and a short skirt,” said Nick. “When I see a woman like that, I figure, now here’s a girl who knows what she wants and how to get it.”...
Part Viagra, Part Laxative
Question: What do you call a pill that’s part Viagra, part laxative? Answer: Easy come, easy go....
F.M.K.: The Kardashians
KIM: FUCK Sure, there’s a definite vapid vacancy there, but really, we’d be hard-pressed to think of a celebrity derriere we’d rather fuck. Of course it would be tempting to jam a dick into her mouth instead, just to shut her the hell up. CAITLYN: MARRY Poised to become a bigger financial success than Bruce...
Frankenfoot
Like what you see? Then this might just be your next sex toy. The Vajankle—fun to say, isn’t it?—is just what it seems, a severed, wrinkled left foot made bangable by the addition of a vagina molded into its stump. Custom-made by Sinthetics, a company better known for its hyperrealistic sex dolls and penises, the...
Club Girl: Dakota
“Living in Vegas is super exciting and fun 24/7,” raves Dakota, October’s crazy-cute Club Girl. “I love that I can get off work past midnight and still get a steak dinner.” When she’s not busy working at Larry Flynt’s HUSTLER Club, Las Vegas, Dakota likes to watch the amateur pole dancing contests. “One time a...
Scream Cream
“So what are you?” At the annual L.A. Heaven and Hell bash, now over 20 years strong, the answer is always “Slutty!” From scantily clad pirates to Freddy Krueger’s favorite wet dreams, XXX starlets vie to win World’s Sexiest Costume. The eye candy here never runs out, and the scariest thing you’ll encounter will be...
