The world’s first FDA-cleared penis implant is here. Yeah, yeah—we know, bigger isn’t better, and most women say they don’t care how big a dick is (according to a 2014 report based on a study of 26,437 women ages 18-65, 84% are “very satisfied” with their partner’s penis size). But we also know damn well that there’s a reason the original name for the new Penuma implant was The Hap-Penis. And there’s a reason James Elist, M.D., the Beverly Hills urologist who invented it, offers it in only three sizes: L, XL and XXL. So don’t mind us if we celebrate the option of adding an average two to two and a half inches of length and girth to whoever wants to spend $13,000 and can come out to Beverly Hills. (So far, Elist is the only doctor the FDA allows to perform the procedure.)
The good doctor says that you’ll be in and out of his office within an hour. You’ll get a general anesthetic. He’ll peel back the skin of your penis, slide in a Penuma silicone sleeve implant, pull your penis skin back up and over it and instruct you not to have sex for six weeks while things heal up. Then, if you’re like two-thirds of the men interviewed in a clinical report on the procedure, you’ll experience an increase in…self-confidence. Thanks, Dr. Elist!