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Farmer Sam

An elderly man named Sam lived alone on a large farm in Florida. One night he heard laughing and shouting coming from the pond behind his barn. The old farmer followed the voices and came across four beautiful young women skinny-dipping. Surprised and delighted, Sam coughed several times to make his presence known. Hearing him,...
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Bill Cosby

Question: Why can’t Bill Cosby get laid anymore? Answer: He’s already as fucked as he’s ever going to get....
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No Appetite

Mary asked her boyfriend Joe if he wanted any breakfast. “Bacon and poached eggs? A slice of bread? Grapefruit? Coffee?” Joe shook his head no. “It’s this Viagra,” he explained. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch she offered him soup and a cheese sandwich. Again he declined, blaming the erectile dysfunction...
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Locker Room

Three women were chatting in the gym locker room when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous colorful terms for male masturbation—jerking off, spank – ing the monkey, slapping the salami, burping the worm, wanking off, choking the chicken, pumping the python and so on— there weren’t any common phrases for...
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Good Head

Question: How do you know Trump followers give good head? Answer: They’ll swallow anything....
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Government Boobs

Is there a sale on intolerant boobs in New Hampshire? State Senator Nancy Stiles (Republican, natch!) was mortified when 54-year-old Heidi Lilley and 23-year-old Kia Sinclair went topless at Hampton Beach last year in support of #FreeTheNipple, a nationwide campaign intended to promote gender equality. “I think there is a time and a place for...
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Hookers for Hillary

Brothel owner (and author! and reality TV star!) Dennis “My business is built on privacy and discretion” Hof likes attention, so his Hookers for Hillary campaign might seem like nothing more than a publicity grab for his Moonlite BunnyRanch. Still, you’d be hard-pressed to find a more sincere Hillary Clinton for President supporter than sex...
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Caligula Dot Com

The party is winding down at Zenefits, a human-resources tech startup once valued at $4.5 billion. Its CEO Parker Conrad resigned after concerns about the company’s failure to meet legal compliances and its party-down office culture. Translation: Eight times out of ten, Zenefits employees didn’t possess required state licenses to sell insurance, but that didn’t...
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Porn Is Good for You

Ever since serial killer/knob Ted Bundy blamed hardcore pornography for fueling his horrendous crimes, many a misguided soul has taken it for granted that porn consumption leads to the objectification and devaluation of women. But according to a recent study published in The Journal of Sex Research, people who look at porn actually have healthier,...
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Trump’s Teenie Weenie

You know things are going badly for the GOP when even a Fox News focus group spits out words like “shameful,” “disappointing,” “despicable” and “disgusting” to describe the debate performance of Republican Presidential candidates. Asked to raise their hands if they thought the March 3rd debate helped their party, the entire all-white panel sat grimly,...
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Carmen Electrifies

Here at HUSTLER, we dig into shit, in this case Kocktails With Khloé, so you don’t have to. We’re not sure who’s responsible for greenlighting this, the latest spelling-challenged, televised turd to fall out of the Kardashian empire, but we hope that person lives with crippling guilt for the rest of his or her life....
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Not My Type

John approached a woman in a nightclub and said, “Would you like to dance?” “No, thanks,” the woman replied. “I don’t like this song. And even if I did, I still wouldn’t dance with you. I don’t mean to be rude, but you really aren’t my type.” “Huh?” John cleared his throat. “I think you...
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Much Prettier

A married couple was at a restaurant when a beautiful woman walked up to their table, leaned over and warmly kissed the husband. “Who was that?” the wife demanded angrily as the woman sauntered off. “That was my mistress,” her husband admitted candidly. “Your mistress? I want a divorce!” “Do you really want to give...
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Little Billy

Little Billy walked into a pharmacy and asked the lady behind the counter for a box of tampons. “Did your mom tell you what kind of tampons she wants?” the clerk asked. Billy shook his head. “They aren’t for my mother.” “Your sister?” “Nope. They’re for me,” he replied, smiling proudly. “Why on earth do...

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