Heaven
Question: Why are only 30% of women admitted into heaven? Answer: Any more and it’d be pure hell....
Bits & Pieces
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Tim the Midget
Tim, a midget from Texas, had a constant pain in his groin area, so finally he went to see a doctor. The sympathetic doctor agreed to take a look. He asked the little dude to drop his pants, hop up on the examination table and stand tall. Then he put one finger under the midget’s...
What’s the Difference…?
Question: What’s the difference between Trump’s hair and a wet raccoon? Answer: A wet raccoon has a soul, a brain and isn’t a racist, sexist pig....
The Priest and the Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were hearing confessions together. They listened to three women confess to committing adultery three times. The priest told each woman to say ten Hail Marys and to put $10 in the collection plate. Then the rabbi took over so the priest could use the restroom. A Catholic woman came in...
Nancy Reagan: An Oral History
Ronald Reagan called her “Mommy.” White House staffers referred to her as “Mrs. President.” Rat Pack actor Peter Lawford considered her Hollywood’s greatest cocksucker. Those are some of the nicer things people called Former First Lady Nancy Reagan, who died this year at 94. Google “Nancy Reagan Bitch” and the sea of nearly half a...
Pussy Power
Monster tentacle rape? Fine. Schoolgirls molested on public transportation? Love it. Women’s faces covered in gobs of random dude semen? Bring it on! But data that could be used to generate a “manko” model? Punishable by law. “Japan’s view of pussy is really weird,” artist Megumi Igarashi, who goes by Rokudenashiko (“good-for-nothing girl”), notes in...
Club Girl: Sonya Jade
Just 4-11 and weighing under 100 pounds, this 35-year-old Las Vegas native may be petite, but she knows how to throw her weight around, both in the kitchen and on the stripper pole. Before manning the stoves full-time at Larry Flynt’s HUSTLER Club, Las Vegas, Sonya appeared there regularly as a dancer. While she loved...
If Trump, Then Canada
Commentator Pat Buchanan (yes, he lives—if you consider writing political screed about how unfair life is for rich white bastards like him, living) may call Donald Trump “The Great White Hope,” but for thousands of U.S. citizens, their only hope is a romantic prospect holding a valid Canadian passport. Maple Match, a dating site that...
She’ll Take Incredibly Awkward for $200
Jeopardy! has televised its share of uncomfortable moments over its 32- year run, but the game show sunk to new depths when host Trebek turned to journalist/celebrity contestant Lara Logan and said, “Lara Logan, a few years ago in Egypt, on what was supposed to be a happy occasion, you were violently sexually assaulted…. What...
“It’s like I’ve been trying to tell you, girl, men are nothing but dogs.”
“It’s like I’ve been trying to tell you, girl, men are nothing but dogs.”...
“Don’t worry about your small hands, baby. You’re huge where it counts to me—your bank account.”
“Don’t worry about your small hands, baby. You’re huge where it counts to me—your bank account.”...
“It’s a new commemorative stamp celebrating the demise of the Republican Party.”
“It’s a new commemorative stamp celebrating the demise of the Republican Party.”...
“I am NOT asking you to swallow your pride! I’m asking you to swallow MY pride!”
“I am NOT asking you to swallow your pride! I’m asking you to swallow MY pride!”...
“We need your help! There are concerns that there may not be enough rich white men, racists and frustrated stupid people to get Donald elected.”
“We need your help! There are concerns that there may not be enough rich white men, racists and frustrated stupid people to get Donald elected.”...
“He seemed like such a nice man! We had no idea that our neighbor was a serial killer. Hell, I could have given him a list!”
“He seemed like such a nice man! We had no idea that our neighbor was a serial killer. Hell, I could have given him a list!”...
“Dad, we need to have a man-to-man. You gotta fuck Mom better! She keeps stealing the batteries out of my toys to put in her vibrator.”
“Dad, we need to have a man-to-man. You gotta fuck Mom better! She keeps stealing the batteries out of my toys to put in her vibrator.”...
“I went to the fights last night, and a Trump rally broke out.”
“I went to the fights last night, and a Trump rally broke out.”...
Where’s Dorothy?
A Republican, a Democrat and Bill Clinton were traveling through Nebraska when a tornado picked up their car and tossed it miles into the air. When the car finally landed back on the ground, the three men were amazed to discover that they’d been transported to Oz. “I’m going to ask the Wizard for courage,”...
How to Make Holy Water
Question: How do you make holy water? Answer: Boil the hell out of it....
Legal Wages
The Department of Labor suspected that Smith, a fishing boat owner in Duluth, Minnesota, wasn’t paying his workers legal wages. A government agent was sent to the seaport city to investigate the fisherman. “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” the agent demanded. “Well, there’s Clarence, my hired hand....
