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humor

Sitting in My Seat

George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham Clinton were on a plane together when it began to go down. The plane crashed, and the victims found themselves at the gates of Heaven. “Who are you?” boomed God to George Bush Senior. “I’m George Bush. I used to be President of the United States.” “Good,...
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George W. Bush on Roe v. Wade

Question: What was President George W. Bush’s position on Roe v. Wade? Answer: He didn’t care how the people got out of New Orleans....
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The Worst Part

A man finally decided to have a sex-change operation. Months later she was greeted by two of her friends. Both men congratulated her on her appearance and began questioning her about the most painful aspect of the grueling operation. “Lopping off your dick must have been the worst part,” one said, wincing. “Um,” she pondered,...
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There Is a God, And…

God became so fed up with the state of international affairs that He decided to destroy the world. So He gathered George Bush, Mikhail Gorbachev and Yitzhak Shamir and commanded each of them to tell their people in their own way. President Bush went on prime-time TV. “My fellow Americans, I have good news and...
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Mitt Romney

As a Mormon running for President of the United States, Republican candidate Mitt Romney decided to give a speech to allay fears that his religious beliefs would influence his decision-making as President. “I believe in my Mormon faith,” Romney began, “and endeavor to live by it. My faith is the faith of my father and...
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John Wayne Bobbit

Question: What’s worse than being married to John Wayne Bobbitt? Answer: Being divorced from O.J. “The Juice” Simpson....
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Jigsaw Puzzle

Vice President Dan Quayle excitedly told his wife, “Can you believe this, dear? I finished this jigsaw puzzle in only four months!” “Is that some kind of record, honey?” Marilyn asked. “It must be,” said the Vice President. “It says three to five years on the box.”...
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L.A. Riots

During all the commotion of the L.A. riots, an old woman was accosted by a thief. “I don’t have any money!” she insisted, but the mugger wasn’t buying it. He reached between her legs and began to feel her privates to see if she had anything stashed there. “Young man,” she cooed, “ I told...
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What’s the Difference?

Question: What’s the difference between Dan Quayle, George W. Bush and Jane Fonda? Answer: Jane went to Vietnam....
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Marital Advice

A woman wrote to her local newspaper seeking marital advice: “My husband is a born liar and philanderer. He has cheated on me from the start, and when I confront him, he just denies everything. The humiliation is unbearable because everyone knows he steps out on me. Also, after losing his job, he hasn’t bothered...
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The Creation of Man

Question: Why did God create man before he created woman? Answer: He didn’t want advice....
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The Birds and the Bees

A boy reached the age where he was growing curious about the birds and the bees, so when he and his father encountered two dogs humping in the park, his dad explained that the mutts were making puppies. One week later, in the middle of the night, the boy was having nightmares, ran into his...
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Relatives of Yours?

After a bitter argument, a couple drove several miles in silence, neither one of them wanting to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard full of mules, pigs and goats, the husband asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yes,” the wife replied. “In-laws.”...
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Dog x Cat

Question: What do you get when you cross a dog with a cat? Answer: An animal that humps your leg for a few minutes and then ignores you the rest of the day....
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Testosterone Pills

Young Agnes was put on testosterone pills to cure a mild hormone imbalance. Two weeks later she returned to the doctor for a checkup. “I’m a bit concerned,” Agnes told the physician. “Since you’ve put me on these pills, I’ve noticed some extra hair growth.” “Well, that’s to be expected,” smiled the doctor reassuringly. “It’s...
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Linoleum Tiles

Question: What do men have in common with linoleum tiles? Answer: Lay them properly and you can walk all over them forever....
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Holy Fuck, It’s Christmas!

 This just in: There is joy on earth. It’s on us to spread it around, and this time of year that means gifts. Sometimes it gets hard to figure out what goodies Old Saint Fatty should include in his sack of shit. So whether you’re seeking presents to start relationships or end them, we have...
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Rubber Rubbish

So long, jizz facials. If Proposition 60, a ballot measure going before Californians on November 8th, is voted in, your favorite cum queens will have to wear goggles, nose plugs and surgical masks if they don’t want to be exposed to lawsuits. The California Safer Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act put forward by...
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“Sorry I’m a Cunt!”

Dani Mathers don’t need no stinking publicist to go from low-ranking media celebrity (56th Playmate of the Year and a recurring role as “waitress” on The Bold and the Beautiful) to high-ranking internet hatebait. The surgically enhanced model made herself a household name the second she took a photo of an unsuspecting woman showering in...
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Devil in Disguise

“Are we going to dress up?” asks one Satanic Temple member with the earnest enthusiasm of a Boy Scout marching in his first parade. It’s June 6, 2016—not quite 6.6.6, but close enough. The Los Angeles Chapter of the Satanic Temple is meeting at social activist and comedian Steve Hill’s house in Palmdale in preparation...
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