Bits & Pieces
Articles with unfiltered opinions
Search
Orgasms à la Carte
What do orgasms and ordering a delicious sandwich have in common? Pastrami-based fetishes notwithstanding, getting one should be a simple and shame-free experience (unless you’re at Arby’s, in which case you need help). “Tech Queen” Andrea Barrica leans heavily on the food metaphors, employing relatable analogies to articulate degrees of play and sexual satisfaction. As...
Under Her Thumb
You can learn a lot from a dominatrix. And if you are an aspiring sub who hopes to stay in her good graces, then you best bone up on how to please her. It begins with basic consideration and boundaries. For instance, a domme is not a therapist. Your session together may be therapeutic, but...
Yes, sir, I still have Mr. Simpson on hold…
“Yes, sir, I still have Mr. Simpson on hold…”...
Free-Range Sex
This just in: Camping equipment manufacturer says people who camp have lots of sex! No one loves a thinly-veiled corporate survey more than us, and this one is so dumb, we can’t not poke fun. According to YourTango. com, in a poll commissioned by a tent company, 90% of respondents said they had “more sex...
Hunt for Congress!
The New York Post, arguably the Ron DeSantis of newspapers, is a handy moral barometer, in that if you agree with what you read, then chances are, you’re a terrible person. By this logic, any person with an iota of empathy can see their artless smear jobs for what they are: lowbrow bigotry masquerading as...
Thanks. Yer a real fuckin’ patriot
“Thanks. Yer a real fuckin’ patriot.”...
Omigod! That’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen…
“Omigod! That’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Her hair, eyes, figure, legs—absolutely gorgeous! I’d love to shove my dick in her mouth.”...
Bubba got fired from his bingo-caller job…
Bubba got fired from his bingo-caller job. Apparently “a meal for two with a hairy view” is not the way to announce “69.”...
Carnal Currency
How does the anointed king of West Coast hip-hop and overpriced headphones celebrate his 57th trip around the sun? CASH. IN. THAT. CHIP! Hot on the heels of his mind-blowing Super Bowl halftime show all-star jam, Dre took to Instagram with a celebratory post that was definitely not an overshare in the slightest: “I’m feelin...
Actually, your grandmother is old-school—the best way to a man’s heart…
“Actually, your grandmother is old-school—the best way to a man’s heart is a blowjob!”...
That’s not what I meant when I said…
“That’s not what I meant when I said, ‘Assume the position!’”...
Aromatherapy
Hi, I’m the guy who writes Bits & Pieces. Who I am is of little importance. What matters is that I am a man with desires. One of those desires—nay, an obsession—is to bury my face between Jennifer Coolidge’s cheeks and feast upon her exquisite butthole. This is my dream, and I apologize for nothing....
Walt bumped into his ex-girlfriend Janice…
Walt bumped into his ex-girlfriend Janice, from whom he’d recently parted on bad terms. “I was having sex with another woman last night,” Walt announced, “but I was also thinking of you.” “Because you miss me?” Janice excitedly asked. “Nope,” Walt replied. “It stops me from coming too soon.”...
This is an outrage! Couldn’t you wait until I got home before starting?!
“This is an outrage! Couldn’t you wait until I got home before starting?!”...
And now the final application to your facial.
“And now the final application to your facial.”...
Did you hear about the night janitor who, thinking it was empty…
Did you hear about the night janitor who, thinking it was empty, walked into an executive’s office late one night? He scared the boss out of his secretary....
A young man walked into a pharmacy, grabbed some condoms and paid the clerk…
A young man walked into a pharmacy, grabbed some condoms and paid the clerk. Then he walked out the door, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thought this was weird, but figured that there wasn’t a law prohibiting wackos from having safe sex. The next day the customer returned to the pharmacy and again bought condoms and...
Little Johnny was late getting to school one day…
Little Johnny was late getting to school one day. “I’m sorry, Miss Evans,” he told the teacher. “I had to make my own breakfast this morning.” Miss Evans accepted his excuse, but decided to punish the tyke anyway. She ordered Johnny to stand in front of the classroom and answer some geography questions. “Tell us...
However, here we have a human brain that was exposed to repeated Republican bullshit.
“However, here we have a human brain that was exposed to repeated Republican bullshit.“...
Liza told her roommate Shelley…
Liza told her roommate Shelley, “My gynecologist recognized me at the supermarket this morning.” “You’re gonna have to start wearing longer skirts,” Shelly advised....
Asshole of the Month: Victoria Nuland
When Biden appointed Victoria Nuland to the third most powerful position in the State Department in January 2021, Medea Benjamin, the cofounder of CODEPINK and our premier antiwar activist, warned, “Most Americans have no idea that President-elect Biden’s pick for deputy secretary of state for political affairs is stuck in the quicksand of 1950s U.S.-Russia...
Chain of Fools
The pandemic exposed the U.S. supply chain debacle, but Wall Street greed and American stupidity perfected it. Finally! A story about “both sides” collectively fucking up. And lawmakers from both political parties will be needed to fix it, if that’s even possible. Corporate media doesn’t like to focus on it, but after a year of...
Miss Barbie Monroe
“I appreciate this opportunity to appear nude in my dream magazine,” declares Miss Barbie Monroe, 29, from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. “It’s sure to get my name out there and elevate my following. My goal is to be an iconic sex symbol in the adult industry, the exotic woman who men want...
