I don’t mind my husband getting three blowjobs a week from the neighbor.
“I don’t mind my husband getting three blowjobs a week from the neighbor. Saves me from doing it.”...
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The Stars Align for 2021
I think we can all agree that no one is going to miss 2020. As dumpster fires go, it was a doozy and one that we’d just as soon forget about as quickly as possible—except, of course, for the beautiful women in this industry, who gave us reasons to live. And so, with our eyes...
Celebrity Sex Shocker!
PHOTO BY TCD/PROD.DB/ALAMY Remember the glory days of movie sex scenes in the ’80s and ’90s? An Officer and a Gentleman, Color of Night, Sliver—not only was there lots of sex, but holy moly, do we ever feel for you if you accidentally watched the latter with your parents (damn you, Joe Eszterhas!). Times change,...
Your birthday?! Oh, shit. Sorry babe…
“Your birthday?! Oh, shit. Sorry, babe, I thought it was my birthday!”...
The Trump Administration fucked everything up!
“The Trump Administration fucked everything up!”...
Chicago Frees the Nipple
If you’re a red-blooded heterosexual man who lives in Chicago and loves him some boobies, then you, my friend, owe a deep debt of gratitude to the LGBTQ+ community, not to mention one transgender performer in particular. But of course, like anything the government gets its hands on, how the city came to relax its...
What Women Want: The XXX Edition
Every once in a while a Buzzfeed list will hit a little differently. This September we learned what women (hetero-cisgender) wished men knew about sex so that they didn’t have to keep reminding them all the time (ouch, but also true). And it’s shocking—appalling even—how men routinely fail to grasp even the most basic items...
Test Your Limits
If you’ve ever felt intrigued by BDSM but clueless about where you fit into the spectrum, your days of wondering are over. Behold, The BDSM Test! Think personality test, but way more fun. BDSM can be broken down into three distinct categories, or six individual components: bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism....
Zach’s wife yelled from upstairs, “Are you getting a shooting pain…
Zack’s wife yelled from upstairs, “Are you getting a shooting pain in your stomach, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it again and again?” “No!” Zach yelled back. “I feel fine!” “What about now?!” his wife hollered....
Edging Toward Ecstasy
As we head into what feels like the seventh consecutive year of self-isolation and social distancing, many of us are searching—desperately—for a way to mix things up in the ol’ rub ’n’ tug department. You’ve tried different lubes, your other hand…you even bit the bullet and bought a Fleshlight and/or Hitachi wand. So where do...
Who wasted the best porn name ever on a basketball career?
Question: Who wasted the best porn name ever on a basketball career? Answer: Magic Johnson....
At school a classmate told Tim that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret…
At school a classmate told Tim that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret. This makes it real easy to blackmail them by simply saying, “I know the whole truth.” When Tim got home, he decided to give it a try. As he was greeted by his mother, he said, “I know the...
Not the best student in Sunday school, April usually snoozed….
Not the best student in Sunday school, April usually snoozed through the class. One day the teacher called on the teen while she was sound asleep: “April, who created the universe?” When she didn’t stir, Bobby—the lad seated right behind her—took a pencil and jabbed April in the butt. “God Almighty!” April shouted. “Very good,”...
An old man was being tended to by a nurse…
An old man was being tended to by a nurse. “Give us a kiss,” he begged. “No!” the nurse responded. “Come on, sweetie, give us a kiss,” the patient begged. “No!” “Please?” the geezer persisted. “Look, Mr. Jones,” the nurse cooed. “I shouldn’t even be jacking you off.”...
A Wish Come True
Much like the United States, Canada is dealing with some pretty awful stuff right now. Systemic racism, police violence and COVID are very real realities north of the border, which makes it even more important to celebrate social justice victories when they occur. And so it is with much joy and solidarity that HUSTLER congratulates...
An 80-year-old man found his wife doing a handstand, stark naked…
An 80-year-old man found his wife doing a handstand, stark naked, against a wall. Shocked, he asked, “What the heck are you doing?” “I know you can’t get it up,” his horny missus explained. “Maybe you can drop it in.”...
“That was filthy, disgusting, and unbelievably perverted! How soon can you get it up again?!”
“That was filthy, disgusting, and unbelievably perverted! How soon can you get it up again?!”...
“It’s clear that we won’t win another Presidential election unless we can appeal to women, the elderly, students, blacks, Latinos, gays, the middle class, and the poor. So the question is: how do we effectively lie to all these people?”
“It’s clear that we won’t win another Presidential election unless we can appeal to women, the elderly, students, blacks, Latinos, gays, the middle class, and the poor. So the question is: how do we effectively lie to all these people?”...
“Okay, son, let’s say you are planning a big birthday party, and 100 children will be there. But 54 of the kids want chocolate ice cream, and 46 want strawberry. No one can agree, so the whole thing is called off. That’s how the goddamn Senate works.”
“Okay, son, let’s say you are planning a big birthday party, and 100 children will be there. But 54 of the kids want chocolate ice cream, and 46 want strawberry. No one can agree, so the whole thing is called off. That’s how the goddamn Senate works.”...
“She’s called a nun, because that’s how much dick she’s gonna get in her lifetime – none.”
“She’s called a nun, because that’s how much dick she’s gonna get in her lifetime – none.”...
“Young man, we are staunch conservatives, so I insist with our daughter that you use no contraceptives whatsoever.”
“Young man, we are staunch conservatives, so I insist with our daughter that you use no contraceptives whatsoever.”...
“You didn’t like that?! I thought guys loved facials!”
“You didn’t like that?! I thought guys loved facials!”...
“Well, okay. If you really want me to stay.”
“Well, okay. If you really want me to stay.”...
“Sorry, the new law says before you get an abortion you have to receive a transvaginal ultrasound, and a GOP state legislator gets to do the honors.”
“Sorry, the new law says before you get an abortion you have to receive a transvaginal ultrasound, and a GOP state legislator gets to do the honors.”...
“We all have confessions to make, my son. I happen to like molesting little boys. I can tell you that because you’ll be dead in ten minutes.”
“We all have confessions to make, my son. I happen to like molesting little boys. I can tell you that because you’ll be dead in ten minutes.”...
Asshole of the Month: Robert Jeffress
Psychologists and mental health professionals have long recognized the role of friends, spouses and relatives in enabling people troubled by alcohol and drug addiction, domestic violence and other bad behavior—they’re called codependents. After four years of Donald Trump, the most incompetent, dishonest buffoon to ever occupy the White House, we have to recognize a new...
Fake News at 11
The FCC is allowing your favorite local TV station to become Fox “News,” and you probably haven’t even noticed. “Our government rests in public opinion,” Abraham Lincoln once observed. “Whoever can change public opinion can change the government.” The point made by this nation’s first Republican President is one that today’s GOP has taken to...
Ellie Rose
“Wanna get to know an above-average girl next door who has class, personality and wit?” asks Ellie Rose, 21, an online college student from Garden Grove, California. “That’s little me in a nutshell.” Undressed or clothed, the 4-foot-11 pixie is a delight to look at, but what she has to...
Rhyan
“I’m playful, flirtatious and always looking for new experiences,” says Rhyan, 22, an office temp from Lakeland, Florida. “Nude modeling seemed intriguing. Besides, I never met a guy who didn’t want to see me naked. Now lots of men can. Thank you, HUSTLER!” The 5-foot-7 skin-mag rookie, a former high...
