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Sex Doll Brothel
Ever been with your girlfriend and thought, I wish she didn’t talk, didn’t smile, didn’t blink, didn’t move without assistance and didn’t ever go to the bathroom? Then you need a sex doll because no woman is going to put up with your insane bullshit. Luckily for you, the luxury doll moll is now available...
XXX Marks the Spot
It makes sense that Scots were the first to create an internet message board for outdoor hookups—because, really, what’s easier than lifting a kilt for a quickie, right? Horny exhibitionists in the Renfrewshire district in Scotland now use a forum similar to TripAdvisor to map out the best places to fuck and suck. The site...
Love American Style
America is known for excess. We do a lot of everything—shopping, eating, drinking, driving and shooting. The one thing we’re not doing a lot of lately is fucking. We’re just not putting up the fornication numbers like back in the day. According to research done for the Archives of Sexual Behavior, love American style has...
Monks on Meth
It takes one simple Google search to know that Buddhists live by “moral precepts,” otherwise known as restraints. Taboos include harming living things, sexual misconduct, lying or gossip and indulging in intoxicating substances. Monks get into the monk business knowing these principles: no vodka, no sex and, most importantly, no meth, buddy. The Associated Press...
“You’re saying the best things in life are free. Then how is she getting away with charging a hundred bucks for a blowjob?”
“You’re saying the best things in life are free. Then how is she getting away with charging a hundred bucks for a blowjob?”...
“That’s ridiculous, Senator McCain. You still have lots more useless years left in you!”
“That’s ridiculous, Senator McCain. You still have lots more useless years left in you!”...
“I want to meet an aggressive guy who will slam me up against a wall, press his body to mine and then lean in and whisper in my ear, ’I want to clean your apartment!’”
“I want to meet an aggressive guy who will slam me up against a wall, press his body to mine and then lean in and whisper in my ear, ’I want to clean your apartment!’”...
“Hey, little boy, wanna buy some candy?”
“Hey, little boy, wanna buy some candy?”...
“I musta passed three niggers driving to the bar tonight. Fucking Trump! I thought he was gonna take care of that shit!”
“I musta passed three niggers driving to the bar tonight. Fucking Trump! I thought he was gonna take care of that shit!”...
“Thank you for attending this teacher-parent conference. We need to discuss your son’s desire to grow up to be President of the United States.”
“Thank you for attending this teacher-parent conference. We need to discuss your son’s desire to grow up to be President of the United States.”...
Trump and Obama
Donald Trump and Barack Obama were getting haircuts and shaves at a D.C. barbershop. Their respective barbers finished at the same time, and each reached for some aftershave to put on his customer’s face. Trump shouted, “Hey, don’t put that shit on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!” Smiling at Trump,...
Blonde in the Cleaners
A blonde dropped off a skirt at the cleaners. On her way out the door the lady at the counter said, “Come again.” The blonde looked back and said, “No, it was toothpaste this time.” ...
Dead Guy
Question: What do you call a guy who doesn’t like having his dick sucked? Answer: Dead. ...
Joining a Baptist Church
An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and two young newlyweds wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor told them that new parishioners had to abstain from sex for four weeks. Everyone agreed. Four weeks later the couples returned. The pastor first asked the seniors if they’d been successful. “No problem at all,” the husband...
Phil and Mary
A married couple was at home watching TV one night. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and a porn channel. Mary became more and more annoyed. Finally she muttered, “For God’s sake, Phil, leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!” ...
Third Orgasm
Question: What does a woman say after her third orgasm? Answer: You mean you don’t know?! ...
Superman
Superman was bored one day and was flying around Metropolis when he spotted (with his X-ray vision) Wonder Woman in her apartment. She was lying in bed, naked as a jaybird, with her legs spread. In a flash, Superman swooped through an open window, made love to her and quicker than lightning flew off. “What...
Better Boners
Optogenetics is a new field of synthetic biology. How it works is that certain neurons and body processes are controlled using blue light. Basically, bacterial DNA that is susceptible to light is encoded into a virus that affects certain neurons. Once injected, the virus then allows those neurons to be turned on or off using...
Julia Roberts Forever… and Ever?
Every girl you have ever fucked has memorized that iconic scene in the 1990 box office smash hit Pretty Woman. In case you have been living under a rock, we’ll refresh your memory: Julia Roberts plays a gorgeous, sassy prostitute who nabs the affection of billionaire Richard Gere. With his credit card in hand, Roberts...
Another Shitty Day
When Gracie Henderson, a beautiful blond paramedic from New Caney, Texas, noticed her toilet was clogged, she scrambled to find a plunger. No luck. So Henderson decided to take the hands-on approach. The Texan reached her arm down the dreaded piss hole and wiggled her fingers around, searching for the log clog. A couple minutes...
A Very White White House
Rumors have been flying around the White House that press secretary Sean Spicer is close to being canned. Bill O’Reilly might be his replacement, arguably a downgrade, since at least Spicer is entertaining to watch. Amidst his daily snafus and miscommunications, one stands out as the most egregious. In April, on the first day of...
Pass the Joint, Hoser
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is a political heartthrob who makes Americans long for the days when we actually liked our leader. And now he’s down with the 420 crowd too. With legislation his Liberal Party recently introduced to Canadian Parliament, possessing small amounts of pot could be legal in Canada by next summer. As...
