Bits & Pieces
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself…and a four-year Trump Presidency. That’s some scary shit!”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself…and a four-year Trump Presidency. That’s some scary shit!”...
“I’ve spent five long years looking for my ex-wife’s killer. Haven’t found anybody that’ll do it yet.”
“I’ve spent five long years looking for my ex-wife’s killer. Haven’t found anybody that’ll do it yet.”...
“I just don’t like vibrators. They always chip my teeth!”
“I just don’t like vibrators. They always chip my teeth!”...
Bill didn’t believe in reincarnation until he came back as a tampon.
Bill didn’t believe in reincarnation until he came back as a tampon....
“Okay…but if you want to have a press conference, you’ll have to release some journalists from prison.”
“Okay…but if you want to have a press conference, you’ll have to release some journalists from prison.”...
“We’re going for the insanity defense, so wear your ‘Make America Great Again’ Trump hat.”
“We’re going for the insanity defense, so wear your ‘Make America Great Again’ Trump hat.”...
“Sorry, I never sniff ass on the first date.”
“Sorry, I never sniff ass on the first date.”...
“I tried to surprise the ol’ lady and wake her up with some oral sex—but she gagged on it and almost threw up!”
“I tried to surprise the ol’ lady and wake her up with some oral sex—but she gagged on it and almost threw up!”...
“Some daughter you are—you only come to see me when you want money!”
“Some daughter you are—you only come to see me when you want money!”...
Seatbelt
Question: What gets longer when pulled, fits between a set of tits, inserts neatly into a hole and works best when jerked? Answer: A seatbelt. ...
Jury Trials
Jury trials are scary. Who wants to put their fate in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty? ...
Miss Foyt
The members of a company’s board of directors were called into an emergency meeting and took their seats at a conference table. The last to be summoned was Ted, the junior member, who was instructed to remain standing. The chairman looked him in the eye and asked, “Have you ever had sex with my secretary,...
Young Men Today
An old lady complained to her 20-yearold grandson, “I find that the young men of today aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.” The wiseass snarled, “That’s because now they’re not trying to fuck you, Grandma!” ...
Death by Dick
Richard Patterson, 65, was recently acquitted of second-degree murder after trial arguments pointed to the fact that his partner’s death was an accident—poor woman might have choked on his prick. Where else could this craziness have happened but in Florida (birthplace of bath-salt abuse). After all, the Sunshine State let Casey Anthony free. The real...
Spoiler Alert: Jackie O Loved Money
When will Americans end their obsession with Jackie O? Never. The iconoclastic First Lady has forever been fawned over for being beautiful, soft-spoken, graceful and elegant. Jackie O was so perfect, it’s hard to even imagine her stooping to mundane acts like gargling or pissing. (It’s widely believed that if Jackie O did urinate, she...
The Real Fake News: Trump Seeks Asylum in Russia
As the likelihood of President Trump’s impeachment grows, a new shock leak from the White House reveals that he is desperately seeking political asylum in Moscow. “It’s what we call the Edward Snowden Project, or ESP,” an anonymous source in the White House states. “Vladimir Putin has made it very clear that political asylum will...
Audition for Prison
A man in Kansas, named Mario Antoine, has admitted to tricking dozens of women into having sex with him by pretending to be a porn mogul. Not only was he duping women by promising them stardom and payment, but when they complained that he wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain, he blackmailed them...
Flavor of Love
Mankind Pharma, makers of Manforce condoms, has cornered the prophylactic market in India with flavored condoms. According to the online magazine Quartz, flavored rubbers account for nearly half of India’s condom sales. In a country that seems fairly conservative and not too open when it comes to discussing sex, it’s interesting that such a kinky...
