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Harrowing Operation

A man woke up in the hospital after a harrowing operation. Full of dread, he asked the nurse, “Did things go okay?” “They saved your testicles.” The man let out a sigh of relief. Then the nurse handed him a plastic cup. “They’re here if you’d like to see them.”...
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The Wildest Party

After a wild office party Bill woke up with a terrible hangover. He rolled over and groaned to his wife, “What happened last night?” “You made an ass of yourself,” she said. “You even told your boss what you really think of him.” “Well, piss on him,” Bill shrugged. “You did,” said the wife. “That’s...
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Princess Killjoy

American’s sense of “victory” gets cheaper every day. Take former Gary Hart lap warmer Donna Rice Hughes. The president and CEO of Enough Is Enough (EIE), a nonprofit organization dedicated to making “the internet safer for children and families,” is claiming “huge victories.” Just what does EIE, at it for over two decades now, have...
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Grim Business

Yee-haw! If you’re in the funeral business, keep your eyes peeled on a lawsuit under review in the Lone Star State. Last year Texas health officials adopted a draconian statute requiring that “fetal remains” be disposed of by cremation or burial. Abortion providers say the law would force clinics to do business with funeral homes,...
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Strip Club Rules

According to Page Six, senior Trump campaign staff advisers Jason Miller and A.J. Delgado invited media from several networks to hang out at the Sapphire Las Vegas strip club the night before the final Presidential debate. No big deal! Trump won the election, and Miller was offered and accepted a White House communications director position....
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Trickle-Down Politics

According to an intelligence report released by BuzzFeed, the Russian government “has been cultivating, supporting and assisting Trump for at least five years,” and Trump and “his inner circle have accepted a regular flow of intelligence from the Kremlin, including on his Democratic and other political rivals.” That’s not the only flow Trump is said...
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Planet Porn

University students in search of a thesis, rejoice! For the third year Pornhub has gazed deeply into its navel and released analytics that shed XXX light on 2016. To wit: • Collectively, just on Pornhub, humans around the planet spent 4,599,000,000 hours—or 5,246 centuries—watching porn. Oh, the humanity! • Pornhub clocked 23 billion visits for...
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Saint Peter

Three women arrived at the pearly gates of heaven and were greeted by Saint Peter. “There will be a place for each of you once you’ve confessed your sins,” Saint Peter assured them. Turning gravely to the first woman, he asked, “What is your sin?” “I married one man, but loved another,” she admitted. “So...
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Doctor

“Doctor please kiss me,” the patient pleaded. “No,” the doctor snarled. “You’re a very beautiful woman, but kissing you is against my code of ethics.” “Please, Doc, just one kiss,” the patient insisted. “Sorry,” the doctor muttered. “It’s totally out of the question. I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”  ...
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Frustrated Lover

Frustrated by a new lover who refused to go down on her, Abby tried to reason with the guy. “Look, José,” she explained. “If God didn’t want you to eat pussy, why is it shaped like a taco?”...
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Earnings

A boss was confused about paying an invoice, so he called his assistant into his office. “Mary, you’re really good with numbers,” he said. “If I were to give you $27,500 and then deducted 13%, how much would you take off?” Mary thought about it for a moment and replied, “Everything but my earrings.”...
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Statue of Liberty

Question: Which American woman has had the most men inside her? Answer: The Statue of Liberty....
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Steve

As Steve began fucking his girlfriend in the ass for the first time, she screamed, “Stop! It hurts!” “You’re crazy!” Steve fired back. “It feels fucking great!”...
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Foreplay

Question: What does a loser call it when he makes a fist and kisses his knuckles? Answer: Foreplay....

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