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Four Sons

Four friends met for their 30- year high school reunion. Jane went to get drinks from the bar while her three pals discussed their children. John said his son studied economics, went into banking and became so rich that he gave his best friend a Ferrari. Mary shared that her son was a pilot who...
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70-Year-Old Pussy

Question: What does 70-year-old pussy taste like? Answer: Depends....
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Johnny Wad Kennedy

High on Election Day adrenaline, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews shocked and titillated a panel of nebbish cohosts by offhandedly remarking that John F. Kennedy once visited a porn theater to blow off election-eve stress. “There’s something about the whole ritual, like concession speeches, which I love—I’ve said that before—and crying when you lose…” Then, somewhat incoherently...
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Lust in Translation

#OneMoreCoolThingJapanHasThatWeDon’t: a titty contest judged “from a female perspective.” Sadly, HUSTLER’s Japanese translators have been out sick all month, but between Twitter, YouTube and RocketNews24.com (a reliable source if there ever was one), we were able to piece the whole story together without dropping too many stitches. Young, nubile Japanese women dressed only in strategically...
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Well-Fucked Planet

Earth Day—a vapid, made-up holiday celebrated by self-congratulatory idiots who believe that turning organic baby food jars into candle votives and participating in drum circles will Make a Difference and Save the Planet. It’s easy to mock environmental activists (not to mention fun), but among other undeniable, good shit they’ve accomplished since the first Earth...
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Hello, Slattern

 Like a lot of media, HUSTLER did not wake up in time to smell the funeral. Most of us came in to work on November 9, 2016, dazed and confused. “Donald Trump’s Victory Proves That America Hates Women,” announced Slate. “Donald Trump Is About to Declare War on Women’s Bodies,” declared Gizmodo. Holy fuck! America...
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Melania Trump

Melania Trump walked into the bedroom with a duck under her arm. Donald looked up in surprise. “Here’s the pig I fuck,” said the First Lady, looking down at the floor in shame. “Your English sucks,” her husband sniped. “That’s not a pig. That’s a duck.” “I wasn’t talking to you,” said Melania....
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What’s Worse?

Question: What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig? Answer: A woman who won’t do as she’s told....

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