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November 2025

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The Porn Role

A starlet was arguing with her agent. “Of course I wanna be a big star, Lenny, but there are some things I just won’t do. Like the porn role that 75-year-old producer offered me.” “What did you tell him when he suggested the part?” asked Lenny. “I laughed right in his balls.”...

Big Pussies

Leave it to Donald Trump, aka Cheeto Jesus, aka The Face Without a Man, to ruin a perfectly wonderous word: pussy. In case you missed it (if you did, consider yourself blessed): A few weeks before the U.S. Presidential election, the Washington Post released a “hot mic” conversation between Trump and Access Hollywood dweeb Billy...

Mississippi Mud

Three cheers for the five bufuing freedom fighters who recently filed a federal class action lawsuit against Mississippi for its ass-backwards sodomy laws. (What is sodomy? We’re glad you asked! Strictly speaking, sodomy defines certain sex acts, say anal, oral and bestiality, as criminal. Generally speaking, it refers to anal intercourse—if you’re English, buggery, and...

Love Is a Battlefield

Sixty years too late for John F. Kennedy’s Profiles in Courage, we pay homage this month to folks who’ve braved shame and humiliation to get themselves to the emergency room, after an initial failure to exercise what some might call “good judgment.” ONE FOR THE TEAM Some women might be embarrassed about getting a huge...

Louise

Louise got home from work only to discover Henry stalking around the kitchen with a fly swatter. “Killed any yet?” she asked. “Yep,” answered Henry. “Two males and a female.” “How could you tell?” “Two were on a beer can, and one was on the fucking phone.”...

Louise

Louise got home from work only to discover Henry stalking around the kitchen with a fly swatter. “Killed any yet?” she asked. “Yep,” answered Henry. “Two males and a female.” “How could you tell?” “Two were on a beer can, and one was on the fucking phone.”...

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

A matchmaker agreed to find a bride for a young man, but when she brought along the prospective wife, he was horrified. “She’s ugly as sin,” the young man said. “Her hair is falling out, her eyes are crossed, and her teeth are brown!” “Why are you whispering?” asked the matchmaker. “She’s deaf too.”...

The Last Thing Jesus Said

Question: What was the last thing Jesus said to his disciples? Answer: “Everyone get on this side of the table if you want your picture taken.”...

I’d Rather Be the Papa

Governor Chris Christie was sentenced to prison for accepting bribes. He was put into a cell with the biggest, meanest-looking dude he’d ever seen. “We’re gonna fuck all night long,” the big guy said, smiling. “So, you wanna be the mama or the papa?” “Well, if I have to be one or the other, I’d...

Who Changes the Child?

A woman called her mother-in-law in the middle of the night. “Who changes the child if it poops itself? Is it the mom or the dad?” “It’s always the mom, honey,” said the mother-in-law. “Okay. Would you come over, please? Your son got drunk and shit his pants.”...

Four Sons

Four friends met for their 30- year high school reunion. Jane went to get drinks from the bar while her three pals discussed their children. John said his son studied economics, went into banking and became so rich that he gave his best friend a Ferrari. Mary shared that her son was a pilot who...

70-Year-Old Pussy

Question: What does 70-year-old pussy taste like? Answer: Depends....

Johnny Wad Kennedy

High on Election Day adrenaline, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews shocked and titillated a panel of nebbish cohosts by offhandedly remarking that John F. Kennedy once visited a porn theater to blow off election-eve stress. “There’s something about the whole ritual, like concession speeches, which I love—I’ve said that before—and crying when you lose…” Then, somewhat incoherently...

Lust in Translation

#OneMoreCoolThingJapanHasThatWeDon’t: a titty contest judged “from a female perspective.” Sadly, HUSTLER’s Japanese translators have been out sick all month, but between Twitter, YouTube and RocketNews24.com (a reliable source if there ever was one), we were able to piece the whole story together without dropping too many stitches. Young, nubile Japanese women dressed only in strategically...

Well-Fucked Planet

Earth Day—a vapid, made-up holiday celebrated by self-congratulatory idiots who believe that turning organic baby food jars into candle votives and participating in drum circles will Make a Difference and Save the Planet. It’s easy to mock environmental activists (not to mention fun), but among other undeniable, good shit they’ve accomplished since the first Earth...

Hello, Slattern

 Like a lot of media, HUSTLER did not wake up in time to smell the funeral. Most of us came in to work on November 9, 2016, dazed and confused. “Donald Trump’s Victory Proves That America Hates Women,” announced Slate. “Donald Trump Is About to Declare War on Women’s Bodies,” declared Gizmodo. Holy fuck! America...

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