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March 2026

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Sex on the First Date?

Sex on the first date: yea or nay? Not you, dude. This one is for the ladies. Because unlike men, women are made to carry some unfortunate and patently unfair baggage when consenting to a hot fuck sans courtship. Safety, stigma, the disgusting state of male hygiene—honestly, is it really worth it? Vogue asked this...

A Very Vore Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving, Turkey Day, Black Friday Eve—whatever you want to call it, the holiday is first and foremost a food odyssey. Specifically, that succulent bird and all the mouthwatering trimmings you know and love. Personally, we’re thankful for fetish models and content creators like Miss Whitney Morgan. A cook in the bedroom and a whore in...

The Breeders

[Voice of Jerry Seinfeld] “What’s the deal with breeding?!” Seriously though, what does it mean to have a breeding kink, and how is it more than just a deliberate creampie surprise? As with any fetish, it’s open to interpretation. Some people actually want to get pregnant and have as many babies as possible; others use...

On this special holiday…

“On this special holiday, we are so very thankful to you, oh, Lord—especially for giving Alex Jones the ass-fucking he so richly deserves.”...

Senator Mitch McConnell Gets a Checkup

“Your prostate is in the Ted Cruz phase. It’ll itch, fester and annoy the hell out of you until you cut it out and get rid of the fucker.”...

I’m Letting You Off…

“I’m letting you off with a warning this time. And by ‘warning,’ I mean blowjob.”...

After taking golf lessons for two weeks, Paula felt ready…

After taking golf lessons for two weeks, Paula felt ready for her first round. But while out on the course the young woman was stung by a bee. The pain was so intense that Pau­la headed back to the clubhouse. On the way she ran into her instructor, Bill. Noticing her discomfort, the golf pro...

Betty went to the cemetery…

Betty went to the cemetery every Saturday to water the flowers on her husband’s grave. After the widow was finished, she always walked backward to her car. One day her friend Sally came along on the cemetery jaunt. As they were leaving the grave, Sally asked, “Why are you walking backward?” “When Harry was alive,”...

Question: How do you know when…

Question: How do you know when you’ve had a great blowjob? Answer: You have to burp the cocksucker to get your balls back....

Todd Went To His Psychiatrist…

Todd went to his psychiatrist and 11 exclaimed, “Doc, you’ve got to help me! My wife is unfaithful. Every Friday night she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she’ll fuck anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax,” the shrink advised. “Take a deep...

Alan Was Arrested For Embezzlement And…

Alan was arrested for embezzlement and thrown in jail. The first night he shared a cell with a huge redneck named Bubba. “Yo, little man, you got a choice,” Bubba grunted. “Choice of what?” Alan meekly asked. “You can be my husband or my wife,” the redneck proposed. After pondering the situation, Alan said, “I...

I Already Told You No Sex…

Grace said to James, her fiance, “I already told you no sex before marriage.” “But you had sex with Mike, Greg, Rex and Toby,” James pointed out. “I didn’t plan to marry those guys!” Grace shot back....

Dawn Told Her Doctor…

Dawn told her doctor, “My bottom hurts a lot right around the entrance.” “Young lady, your anus is an exit,” the doctor cited. “As long as you call it an entrance, it will hurt.”...

Democracy Is on Your Ballot

This year you get an extra vote for the 2024 Presidential election. Please vote wisely. I am not a member of the Democratic Party, but I will vote like one this year. The Republican Party has left me (and, I would argue, you) no other option. It has clasped hands, like Thelma and Louise, with...

Asshole of the Month: Dr. Mehmet Oz

If it’s true that prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, what would be the second oldest? There are many possible candidates, but a good wager would be snake oil salesman. Humanity has always been afflicted with a terrifying array of diseases and maladies; before modern medicine, dealing with them was the province of witch doctors,...

Caramel

“I wish to model nude in HUSTLER because I love my body and showing it off,” professes Caramel, 36, a “very bubbly, witty and assertive” stripper from Pulaski, Missouri. “I feel that nudity is a form of art through expression.” Yep, the 5-foot-4. 95-pound sweetie is a true-blue Show-Me Stater...

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