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Ted

After 15 long years, Ted finally escaped from prison and broke into a house looking for money and guns. Finding a young couple asleep, he forced the man out of bed and tied him to a chair. Then he secured the woman’s arms to the bedposts, climbed on top of her and began nuzzling her...
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Harry

Harry and Fred were called to the morgue to identify their buddy Joe’s body. When the mortician pulled back the sheet, Harry and Fred struggled to recognize Joe’s charred, disfigured remains. “Hard to say. He’s pretty well burnt up,” winced Harry. “Can you turn him over?” asked Fred. So the mortician rolled the corpse over....
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Homeless

A homeless man strode into a bank and told the teller, “I want to open a goddamn checking account.” “Excuse me?” asked the woman. “I said I want to open a motherfucking checking account!” “I’m sorry, sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.” “I’m not leaving without a fucking...
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Dictionary

The HUSTLER Dictionary defines religious war as a violent disagreement over who has the better imaginary friend.   ...
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Divorces

Question: Why do divorces cost so damn much? Answer: Because they’re worth it.   ...
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Unemployment

Question: What’s the worst thing about the rising unemployment rate? Answer: It’s hard to fuck your girlfriend when her husband’s always home....
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Find The Fuckers

Brooklyn-based Ghost+Cow Films confess that Drone Boning was never intended to be jerkoff material. With its soaring ambient music and breathtaking fly-overs of scenic vistas, the first skin flick filmed entirely by drones is reminiscent of a car commercial, with fewer cars and lots more ruts. Intending to provoke thought and a few laughs about...
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Ivy League Anal

Harvard—privileged pit of ripe, crimson assholes. But sphincters can be so confusing. Frustrated in their efforts to master rear entry, students called on the institution to offer a class in the “exciting yet often misunderstood pleasure” that us common folk just call butt-fucking. Part of Harvard’s annual sex week, What What in the Butt: Anal...
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Royal Pain

The British are coming! Or maybe not. New regulations laid before Parliament ban all manner of fun from smut produced in Limeyland. Female ejaculation, face sitting and fisting top a list that also forbids spanking, watersports, verbal abuse, “role-playing as non-adults”—whatever the fuck that means—humiliation and whipping. Sadly, the legislation makes no mention of prohibiting...
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Sale

Out shopping with his wife, Morty picked up a case of beer and placed it in their grocery cart. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” asked his wife. “They’re on sale,” he shrugged. “Only $10 for 24 cans. It’s a bargain.” “Put them back. We can’t afford it,” insisted his wife. They continued...
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Tastes Funny

Harry went to his doctor, only to find that his regular male practitioner had been replaced by a stunning female. Harry gawked at her, then felt self-conscious in his paper gown. His new doctor smiled and told him, “There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m a professional. I’ve seen it all before. Just...
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Mother Daughter

Spotting a fantastic-looking older woman sitting at the bar, John thought, Not bad. I wonder if she has a daughter. A few minutes later, to his surprise, the woman approached him. “I couldn’t help notice you staring at me,” she said. “You wouldn’t happen to be interested in a mother-daughter thing, would you?” Stunned, John...
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Boots

A man came home sporting a new pair of cowboy boots. He anticipated admiring compliments from his wife, but she appeared not to even notice. That same evening he marched into the bedroom naked except for the fancy footwear. “It’s time you paid attention to what my dick is pointing at,” he said, striking a...

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