Vacuum
Question: What does it mean when a man says, “Take a break, honey – you’re working too hard”? Answer: He can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner....
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Angel
“My wife’s an angel,” slurred a drunk to his buddy at the bar. “Lucky you,” said his buddy. “Mine’s still alive.”...
Special Olympics
Question: What’s better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Answer: Not being retarded....
“Of course there’s no God. Do you still think I’d be fucking little boys if there were?”
“Of course there’s no God. Do you still think I’d be fucking little boys if there were?”...
“But if you lock me up and throw away the key, how am I supposed to get out?”
“But if you lock me up and throw away the key, how am I supposed to get out?”...
“Since Republicans are against everything I do, I’m going to push the conservative agenda during my final two years just to fuck with them.”
“Since Republicans are against everything I do, I’m going to push the conservative agenda during my final two years just to fuck with them.”...
“These special orders get better every day!”
“These special orders get better every day!”...
“I’ve heard a lot of really rank things about you, Lindsay. Thank God they are all true!”
“I’ve heard a lot of really rank things about you, Lindsay. Thank God they are all true!”...
“You saw it! He was going for my weapon!”
“You saw it! He was going for my weapon!”...
“Dear, you are such a skilled doctor! Why not go to Africa and help out with that terribly deadly contagious Ebola outbreak!”
“Dear, you are such a skilled doctor! Why not go to Africa and help out with that terribly deadly contagious Ebola outbreak!”...
“Every weekend you go out drinking and forget you have a wife at home! It wouldn’t kill you to stop at the liquor store and get me a bottle!”
“Every weekend you go out drinking and forget you have a wife at home! It wouldn’t kill you to stop at the liquor store and get me a bottle!”...
“Sorry, that’s my annoying watch alarm! Yup. It’s been eight hours since I’ve licked a pussy!”
“Sorry, that’s my annoying watch alarm! Yup. It’s been eight hours since I’ve licked a pussy!”...
Greg
When Greg stumbled home at 3 a.m. Monday morning, his wife was furious. “How would you feel if you didn’t see me for two days?” she hollered. Greg couldn’t believe his luck. “That would be great!” Monday passed, and he didn’t see her. Tuesday and Wednesday passed too. On Thursday morning, the swelling went down...
Greek Army
Question: What’s the Greek Army motto? Answer: Never leave your buddy’s behind. ...
Guido
A Mafia godfather discovered that his bookkeeper, Guido, had cheated him out of $10 million. The bookkeeper was deaf, which was part of the reason he’d been hired in the first place. It was assumed that since Guido could hear nothing, he wouldn’t have to testify in court. When the godfather went to confront Guido...
Good Doctor
The good doctor pulled the bedsheet over the face of one of his patients, then went out in the hall to speak with the family. “How is he, Doc?” the patient’s wife asked anxiously. “Well,” the doctor replied, “he’s finally stable.”...
Frog
Nancy was walking down the street when she noticed a sign in a pet shop window that read, “Pussylicking frog – see inside!” Intrigued, Nancy stepped into the store to speak with the owner. “Hello,” she called out. “Bonjour!” replied the owner. ...
Fox
Question: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Answer: Marry her. ...
Fucking
Young Tommy asked his father, “Daddy, what is making love?” The father quickly answered, “I don’t know, son. I think it’s something your mother does when I fuck her.”...
